To consider breaking up over where to raise our (future) kids?

[babayagoo]

Kids are still a long way off for us, but we’ve discussed where we’d like to raise them and it’s caused more than a few rows!

When do have LOs, we each, selfishly, want to raise them near our own families, who live 4.5 hours apart.

We’ve considered a “compromise” of living halfway between the two families, but even that feels a bit pants. We want the LOs to have the kind of close relationships we had with our own families growing up, and we know that’s hard to pull off if kids don’t see people regularly. Plus we know it’s so much easier with nearby family support (both of ours would be great for this).

What makes it even harder is that none of the areas in between our respective hometowns have good job particularly good prospects, so we’d have to rely on decent WFH jobs. Which probs isn’t that unlikely tbf.

Honestly this is starting to give me a bit of a wobble. I love my SO to pieces, but I love my family too and the idea of raising my own family far from them makes me feel so sad. I know it’s the same for my SO.

We’re kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It’s hard to know if I’m just being melodramatic, or if this is a valid thing to consider breaking up over. The problem is, the idea of breaking up makes me feel just as sad as raising kids away from my family.

Some perspective from people a bit further on in life would be good! I’m only in my late 20s and it’s hard to know which I’ll regret less in the future — ending things with a SO I love, or raising kids at least a 2hr drive from my parents, who I’m v close to.

AIBU? Loads of people raise kids away from their families and seem fine, so idk why I’m getting so worked up about it!!!

You may find that children would be as close to the faraway family. That's because they'd see them for more intensive time.

So the closer relatives they might see for three hours a fortnight, but the more distant ones for all the waking hours of one weekend, once every two months. That's how it's worked with various families I know.

It requires the parent whose family are nearby to be committed to frequent visits to their in laws, including maybe every other Christmas and so on. And also an agreement on whether you'd move if the distant set of grandparents need help but the near ones were well. Plus a real confidence that the marriage will last.

Aside from grandparents though what about your wider families?
Do you or OH have brothers or sisters in your hometown?
Would potential children have more aunties/uncles/cousins in one town over the other?
I think you should also look at which town would have more family support in general
xxx

A friend of mine broke up with her (at the time) great love, because she’s Irish and wanted to move back home to Ireland to raise her family. Her SO had initially agreed, but his parents were older and in the end he changed his mind because he didn’t want to move so far away from them (London). It was heartbreaking watching two people so in love break up, but they felt it was the only option.
She’s now back in Ireland with a husband two children, and he’s met someone else in the UK and settled down too.
For what it’s worth, my husband and I are a good 4/5 hour drive away from our families, and our kids have amazing relationships with their grandparents and aunts etc. As pp have said, there’s a lot more extended visits and quality time. But, it is hard not being able to pop round for dinner/a cup of tea. We are lucky to have built up a great support network where we are, but it took time.

We have raised our children away from our families and it was so hard. I was always envious of friends who had help on tap.

Now they are older and more independent, I am still sad as I'd love to spend more time with my family, popping in for a chat or going out together.

I am the main carer too, being part time. If I had my time again, I would want to stay closer to my family. Having said that, the opportunities around here are better for my children so not all bad.

Who is most likely to be the main carer? They should decide.

If you really love each other so much, it shouldn't matter where you live as long as it's together. If you're that committed you'll compromise as neither of you will be able to imagine living without the other.

With all dues respect op i think you would ve bonkers to break uo with your dp over this ..have a very rare from me.
You don't even have kids yet!

I can see the predicament, but I can't imagine leaving my DH over this. We moved away from both our families as we needed to, we're a team and it worked out fine, both amour families are still able to support a lot. Where do you live now? I suppose the hard thing here is one of you will "win" so the other May end up resentful.

Well everyone is different. You get people who would move to the other side of the world to be with the person they love..and then you get people like you who value their hometown and being close to family more.

Persoanlly I can't understand the logic of giving up the person I love and makes me happy for some hypothetical future where you meet someone equally great, makes you equally happy and who is willing to move to your hometown and have kids with you....but then I'm probably the type who would move across the world. Personal connections and genuine, non toxic relationships are precious and the most important to me. I'll always be close to and feel connected to my mum even if living far away.

What is roughly halfway? If it’s something like Birmingham where there are lots of jobs then I’d consider that first before splitting up.

If you’re in a loving relationship I think you’d be mad to throw that away over hypothetical DC who don’t even exist yet.

I’ve several female friends in their thirties who would love to have a nice partner; they’ve been single for years and can’t find one. Don’t assume if you break up you’ll find another.

If I were you, I’d base it on job prospects- better jobs mean more money to see family, more money to buy in childcare and it just makes your life easier.

Millions of families manage well with little to no family support. If your DPs are still youngish could they visit you a fair bit while any DC are small? If so then you may be able to manage fine without them living nearby.

I didn’t grow up living close to either set of GPs. We managed fine and I was still really attached to them.

I personally think you're being quite wise to consider this beforehand - I didn't and it caused a LOT of issues. We ended up living in my husband's hometown (well home-mountain as it's the middle of nowhere with no actual town for quite a few miles) I massively regret not moving before they were born. His family are very nice but they aren't in a position to offer any help with childcare and my family are much more hands on and supportive so it would have been hugely more practical to move to where I'm from and much less isolating when I was a SAHM as there's lots more to do and it's just a nicer place. However, when I raised it when my DC were babies he point blank refused to move and at that stage I didn't have the economic means to go myself so was ultimately trapped. It was NOT a happy time as you can imagine.

If both families are likely to offer help then moving to some random spot in the middle would be cutting your nose off. You'd benefit much more being close to one of them. If you really can't reach a consensus then I don't think it's crazy to end it before you're in too deep as it's likely to remain a huge bone of contention and may ultimately be a thing that triggers separation in the future which would be much worse with DC - which is exactly what's happening in my life right now.