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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To consider breaking up over where to raise our (future) kids?

86 replies

babayagoo · 03/11/2021 14:32

Kids are still a long way off for us, but we’ve discussed where we’d like to raise them and it’s caused more than a few rows!

When do have LOs, we each, selfishly, want to raise them near our own families, who live 4.5 hours apart.

We’ve considered a “compromise” of living halfway between the two families, but even that feels a bit pants. We want the LOs to have the kind of close relationships we had with our own families growing up, and we know that’s hard to pull off if kids don’t see people regularly. Plus we know it’s so much easier with nearby family support (both of ours would be great for this).

What makes it even harder is that none of the areas in between our respective hometowns have good job particularly good prospects, so we’d have to rely on decent WFH jobs. Which probs isn’t that unlikely tbf.

Honestly this is starting to give me a bit of a wobble. I love my SO to pieces, but I love my family too and the idea of raising my own family far from them makes me feel so sad. I know it’s the same for my SO.

We’re kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It’s hard to know if I’m just being melodramatic, or if this is a valid thing to consider breaking up over. The problem is, the idea of breaking up makes me feel just as sad as raising kids away from my family.

Some perspective from people a bit further on in life would be good! I’m only in my late 20s and it’s hard to know which I’ll regret less in the future — ending things with a SO I love, or raising kids at least a 2hr drive from my parents, who I’m v close to.

AIBU? Loads of people raise kids away from their families and seem fine, so idk why I’m getting so worked up about it!!!

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 03/11/2021 14:39

If you want to raise children near your parents then you'd be best moving near them and finding a job and partner in that locality. Most married couples don't move to be nearer relatives just because they have children. People who have that mindset usually stay close to their parents. Mine were 8 hours away. My job, husband and friends/ free time stuff were important then. My parents never lived near their parents though so trips to visit grandparents occasionally seemed normal to me, plus both my parents were working when I had my son.

jagoda · 03/11/2021 14:39

Where do you live and work now, in relation to families?

If neither of you is prepared to compromise on this it seems like a deal breaker for you, albeit an unusual one.

Most people I know raised their children a long way from parents, sometimes in different countries, so it seems odd to me but that's irrelevant. It's how you both feel that counts.

DappledThings · 03/11/2021 14:44

We grew up hours from both sets of grandparents. When we had DC PIL were about 90 mins away And my parents more like 4.5 hours. PIL have moved to us now. DC have a great relationship with both sets of grandparents.

PIL see them more often but in short doses. My parents see them less often but for longer. So they get more bedtimes and story times and a kind of more intense amount of time. Both types of contact have positives.

Parents on the doorstep is a nice to have, it isn't essential and it's totally possible to still foster great relationships at a distance.

LittleOwl153 · 03/11/2021 14:44

Where do you live now in relation to where you want to be? If you can't agree then no it is not going to work long term is it?

HazelandChacha · 03/11/2021 14:46

There are always posters on MN saying how they have no one near them, no family support, no one to look after the kids in an emergency and how hard it is.

We live 100 miles round trip from DM and, although not a huge distance, it was a struggle sometimes wrestling kids in the car to visit every week & always having to travel/her travelling. It would be really hard if it had been 2 hours. We live 300+ miles from PIL so they hardly saw DC.

Living in the middle doesn’t sound a great option if there aren’t any realistic job options. If you would have to travel to move in the middle, why not just stay where you are now?

Cuddlemuffin · 03/11/2021 14:46

Tbh if it's really that important to you then you might end up resenting your OH if you decide to compromise and live near his family and visa versa. I wouldn't bother with somewhere in the middle no where near anyone. Who is going to be doing most of the parenting in terms of parental leave and compromising with work? Whoever that is shoul probably get more of a say of whine they want support from. If neither of you want to compromise then it's probably time to call it a day and move back closer to home to find someone with a similar mindset to you. If you can decide who you want to live closer to just make sure you have a decent spare room for the other set of grandparents to stay in. If possible it might be worth actually speaking to your parents about as they may want less involvement with grandchildren than you think. We moved back to my home town to be closer to my mum and she's not very helpful at all as she's so busy with work and social life...she thought it was a fab idea but didn't make any difference to how often we see her in relality as she has lotsmif commitments x

Chikapu · 03/11/2021 14:48

Yes, you're being melodramatic to consider breaking up with someone you love to pieces for the sake of hypothetical children.

Excited101 · 03/11/2021 14:48

I think you’d be utterly crazy to end a perfectly great relationship over this op, I’ll be honest. But then I’m going at it as a 35 year old who only a year ago got in a relationship, having been single for 7 years, (before that was only in a relationship for 2years).

However, if this is actually, genuinely a deal breaker, maybe you don’t live each other as much as you think you do, after all!

JennieLee · 03/11/2021 14:48

I think it partly depends on the input you would like. My daughter and her husband live near his parents, at least 3;hours drive away. We mainly see our grandchild via Zoom. My daughter's mother-in-law does huge amounts of childcare. Think four long days a week. I am enjoying the freedom of being able to work and explore various interests after years of looking after children and parents.

It is an odd thing to argue about at this stage and probably symptomatic of other differences you have.

Saoirse82 · 03/11/2021 14:54

You can still have a really close relationship with grandparents even if they don't live locally. For instance I had a granny in England (I'm in Ireland) and one 2 miles away. Saw irish granny several times a week and great close relationship with her, saw English granny 4 or 5 times a year and had a wonderfully close relationship with her too. It didn't matter that I didn't see one grandmother as much as the other I had an equally close relationship with both and loved them both the same. I can understand where you're coming from of course but as long as your children get quality time with both sets of grandparents it won't matter where you are based. I think if you decide to live in the same town as one set of GPs then you need to factor in other set of grandparents coming to stay for holidays etc.

Joybot · 03/11/2021 14:57

You are not unreasonable- this article actually helped me in the past with a dilemma!

www.huffpost.com/entry/relationship-advice_b_1603032

SVRT19674 · 03/11/2021 15:04

My parents are from different countries, and my maternal grandmother was one of the most important persons in my life and lived 2.5 hours on a plane away. It is the quality of the time they spend with you. We lived 6 hours by road from our nearest relative, and I have moved again and we are raising our child away from our respective home towns. You do it, full stop. This reminds me of a friend of mine who moved to be near her mother who has way too much social life to be with her grandkids very often, they were no better off.

MRex · 03/11/2021 15:06

live near DH's family and it's great; if we lived nearer my family then we'd see more of them, but DS loves them and knows they are his people. When you marry, you join each other's families; it was a revelation to me to find I had a new set of parents, I'm not sure why I hadn't expected it, but all being well you might change your own mind more than you think over time. You should both ideally want to spend time with both families to make this work.

A compromise could be that you decide you will live near one or the other family, with decent transport options to get to the other family, but you will pick the place together based on where will be the best home for you all. You'll live in your home and enjoy (or not) your jobs. In working out where to live, you should be considering work, house prices and schooling as well as who else lives nearby. Then also an agreed holiday time with the other family every year so you all have some quality time together. You can't rely on family childcare, not everyone is able or willing when the time comes, it doesn't mean they don't love you all and ideally don't make that a factor.

Greentomatoes21 · 03/11/2021 15:08

I live near my family but my husband's family live a short flight away. His mum comes to visit roughly every 8 weeks. Our children adore her and have a very close relationship. I know it's easy for me to say because I'm the one near my family, but I wanted to point out that it is possible to have a very close relationship with family even if they're not on your doorstep.

BridgeFarmKefir · 03/11/2021 15:09

We don't have this problem but that's because my husband's parents are dead...

FWIW we live 3 hours from my parents and my daughter still has a great relationship with them. I always knew I'd have to manage childcare on my own so it's never felt like an issue.

If you really love your SO this isn't worth breaking up over. You're going to have bigger challenges when kids do come along tbh.

JudgementalCactus · 03/11/2021 15:11

What are the odds that you would be able to find someone who:

  1. Is as good a partner as your current one
  2. Lives in the limited area around your family you are willing to consider and is happy to stay there
  3. Is not incompatible with you in some other way
  4. Wants kids on your timeline

And find him before your fertile window closes?

Good men don't grow on trees.
And it takes a reasonable amount of time to know someone enough to committ to a baby with them, say 2 years?

You have time for a few failed relationships before your mid thirties, but it's all a gamble. And the more time passes the more desperate you're going to get. When was the last time you had to do the whole dating thing? It's a long and grueling process for most women.

Kids can be close to grandparents who live 2h away. We have cars and phones and videocalls. Maybe your parents can retire and move closer to you?

WarmWinterSun · 03/11/2021 15:13

OP, I think it’s sensible to think about this now if it’s that important to you. If you are both fixed on this, then obviously compromise will be needed. My family is incredibly important to me but I compromised and we live near DH’s family. I made peace with this but it wasn’t easy. My parents are now moving to live nearby and I’m delighted. But I was willing to live further away from them even though it was a sacrifice. If you neither of you would be willing to make that type of a compromise, then maybe the relationship doesn’t have the depth and strength that is needed. If you feel you can walk away, he may not be the right person for you in the long run.

ditalini · 03/11/2021 15:13

My brother's kids live in the same town as my parents and see them a lot (almost always for childcare reasons).

We live further away, so when we visit it's for a weekend or several days and sometimes my two stay with my parents on their own for a bit. We often go on holiday with them (brother's family tends to go away with SIL's family).

My brother's children love my parents, but I'd say that on balance mine are closer to them oddly.

Winter2020 · 03/11/2021 15:14

I wouldn’t go for living in the middle of the two sets of parents as when you have children in school you will always be torn which direction to visit in the limited holidays.

Live near one set - perhaps the ones that can help the most or the area you prefer and then when holiday times come the other set are your priority to visit.

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 15:18

What happens if you move to your family and your family move away?

We live a 5 min walk away from my in-laws which is great as they've been a massive help when we've needed them but they're moving 90 minutes away from us now.

My friends moved 2 hours away to be closer to both their families. Within months one set of parents moved 3 hours further away (they'd already planned this but not discussed it with their children).

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/11/2021 15:18

Most married couples don't move to be nearer relatives just because they have children.

I’ve found the opposite. Lots of people do move nearer their families what you when they have children.

Triffid1 · 03/11/2021 15:19

While many of these posters are showing that living near family is not absolutely necessarily for a close relationship, I personally think that if this is a deal breaker for you and/or you OH then yes, you may have to consider breaking up. if you can't even imagine not being close by to your parents when you have your own children, then you are going to resent your OH massively.

The only thing I would say is think very carefully about whether your ideal of living close to your family and having a life like you had growing up is practical, even if your OH is willing to move. Consider whether your parents would like to be that close? Are you 100% sure that they don't have plans to move away when they retire? Obviously, be realistic - what happens if they die suddenly? If after you take all these things into consideration you still feel like moving to be closer to your OH's family is an unbearable thought and he feels the same way in reverse, then yes, you should break up.

lochmaree · 03/11/2021 15:19

we grew up living about a 6.5hr drive from both sets of grandparents (they lived very close together) and it was fine, mum's mum used to come and stay when my dad was off on detachment (military) and we used to visit them in the holidays.

We now have one DS and live 600 miles from my family and 200 miles from my DHs family. visiting my family is either a domestic flight with an hours drive either side or 12 hours driving time. DS is 2 soon and seems to be gaining more recognition of both sets of families. we'd like to live closer to my family but my DHs family are difficult and even DH doesn't want to live close to them so it makes that decision easier.

ittakes2 · 03/11/2021 15:20

I think if you have to ask that question you already have your answer. I am very close to my mum and three sisters...my mum still at the age of 70 plus is very active in helping my sister's young family.
When I met my husband I accepted that my family lived 24hrs flight time away and 20 plus years later I don't regret my decision. You are already worrying about a few hours drive. I don't think this man is the one if you are even questioning whether you should split up over this. It looks like maybe he is not right for you.

Blueskiesoutthere · 03/11/2021 15:29

Don't think you should break up, but I would say it would be more sensible to move nearer your family as when you have a baby it is probably your mother that you will want the support of. I would hope DP would see the logic in this!

However, lots of people don't live close to family and everyone survives so in reality just cross that bridge when it comes! You might find that PIL decide to move nearer to you!

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