To consider breaking up over where to raise our (future) kids?

[babayagoo]

Kids are still a long way off for us, but we’ve discussed where we’d like to raise them and it’s caused more than a few rows!

When do have LOs, we each, selfishly, want to raise them near our own families, who live 4.5 hours apart.

We’ve considered a “compromise” of living halfway between the two families, but even that feels a bit pants. We want the LOs to have the kind of close relationships we had with our own families growing up, and we know that’s hard to pull off if kids don’t see people regularly. Plus we know it’s so much easier with nearby family support (both of ours would be great for this).

What makes it even harder is that none of the areas in between our respective hometowns have good job particularly good prospects, so we’d have to rely on decent WFH jobs. Which probs isn’t that unlikely tbf.

Honestly this is starting to give me a bit of a wobble. I love my SO to pieces, but I love my family too and the idea of raising my own family far from them makes me feel so sad. I know it’s the same for my SO.

We’re kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It’s hard to know if I’m just being melodramatic, or if this is a valid thing to consider breaking up over. The problem is, the idea of breaking up makes me feel just as sad as raising kids away from my family.

Some perspective from people a bit further on in life would be good! I’m only in my late 20s and it’s hard to know which I’ll regret less in the future — ending things with a SO I love, or raising kids at least a 2hr drive from my parents, who I’m v close to.

AIBU? Loads of people raise kids away from their families and seem fine, so idk why I’m getting so worked up about it!!!

We never really had the option of living neither any of our parents without lifestyle compromises we weren’t prepared to make. My parents lived in different rural areas with very limited job options. My husband grew up in a council flat in an area where private ownership is completely unaffordable.
Sometimes you just have to compromise. We can’t live near either family, so we live somewhere that’s good for us in other ways (better for jobs, better house prices, nearer the coast, better transport links, good school options etc).

‘Living near’ not ‘neither’.

I really do mean this as kindly as possible, but if you're considering breaking up over how close the children you aren't yet ready to have will be to their grandparents, there might be other issues in your relationship. You seem very wedded to a picture in your head and neither of you are willing to be flexible about it: if it isn't achievable it doesn't mean the entire relationship is worthless.

I really do understand wanting to be near family, and wanting your children to have a great relationship with them. I think everyone with a vaguely functional family wants this. But as others have made clear, there are so many ways to foster that relationship besides being on the doorstep.

There's also the fact that your parents' lives aren't static either. I've got many friends whose parents saw retirement as an opportunity to move somewhere new, and so were very far away from their grandkids rather than just down the road; others choose move nearer once the babies are born. You don't know what their plans are; given that you don't know when your kids will arrive, you can't guess what needs and wants your parents might have at that time, either as people getting older or people living their best life after raising their own family and working a career.

I just think all you can do is live life your own way, in a place you want to be rather than somewhere diplomatically half-way from everything. Most of all I think you need to trust that everyone involved will be keen to facilitate the grandparent/grandchild relationship, so wherever you go it will be OK.

My compromise would be living near an excellent school and have lots of extra curriculum activities available for dc. You don't need to take them everywhere, but it is nice to be able to take them to dance, karate, swimming class if they show interest.

Either way, we live in a globalised world. People move everyday out of the country. Are you certain people on either side are planning on staying long term where they are? What would happen if your dm got headhuntered and asked to relocate? Or your parents retire? Or his parents develop caring needs but refuse help from others, except family (my grandmother did this)?

I would choose place close to work and beat place to raise dc I could afford.

Go by where the best work it. Our parents expected us to leave for university and then settle elsewhere (as they did in the 1940s and 50s by the way). In fact my mother found her own mother so difficult I think she tried to minimise visits and that was about 40 mins drive away! So it probably just depends on family culture.

We used to take our children to Yorkshire and Newcastle (from London) about 3 times a year to see the 2 sets of grandparents and it worked out fine. sometimes the grandparents came down - may be twice a year on average.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Most married couples don't move to be nearer relatives just because they have children.

I’ve found the opposite. Lots of people do move nearer their families what you when they have children.

Yes I agree - they move once they want kids because they think the grandparents will provide free childcare.

If this is a deal breaker for you, then I agree that you should break up now, and move back to your home town NOW. There's no guarantee that the next person you meet is going to be any more amenable to moving halfway across the country for you either.

Personally, I think you'd be mad to give up a great relationship over this, but obviously everyones priorities are different.

I think there are many really really good reasons to be close to family when you have kids.

I also think one of the big things that can create a successful marriage is wanting to live the same, or at least a similar, lifestyle.

It seems like you both value the same things in this, so that is something! I guess the question is, if it comes down to it, can you find a way to compromise? Is it likely that there will be changes in the parents situation - how old will they be? Might some of them be in a home, or be looking to move closer to where their grandkids are? (I have a friend who moved close to his wife's family - his mum and dad, who were divorced, both moved there too over the course of a few years.) Where is it more plausible for you to work? What about schools, other lifestyle issues?

Some of these things might clear themselves up over the years and make one choice obvious.

@DaisyDozyDee

We never really had the option of living neither any of our parents without lifestyle compromises we weren’t prepared to make. My parents lived in different rural areas with very limited job options. My husband grew up in a council flat in an area where private ownership is completely unaffordable. Sometimes you just have to compromise. We can’t live near either family, so we live somewhere that’s good for us in other ways (better for jobs, better house prices, nearer the coast, better transport links, good school options etc).

We've had a similar experience to @DaisyDozyDee. We had to move for job opportunities, we didn't want to be far away from both sides of the family, but being able to be financially self-sufficient was also important. My DH received a good job offer in our current location and tbh, I was initially annoyed that he wanted to accept it, but everything's worked out long term. You make new friends and do the best you can to see family.

If we'd stayed in our old area, I think we'd be more financially strapped than we are now, and that causes another set of problems.

Is the age and health of your respective parents relevant? What about how willing or available they would be to help out? They might not be as keen as you think.

My parents were brilliant grandparents to my dc but have suffered ill health in recent years and haven’t looked after any of their grandchildren for a long time. Exh’s parents are fitter and younger but not interested.

I'm really close to my family and my ex-husband was not particularly close to his (although they get on fine, he's just not a very family person). We lived in a few different places at varying distances from family. It didn't work because he just wasn't that in to family so he didn't like spending time with mine anymore than he did with his. So be careful before you break up this relationship thinking that a future partner might be happier closer to your family and not bother so much about his ... realistically there are a lot of ways that this wouldn't work. If you really are set on bringing up children close to your family, probably the only option is to move close to your family and find a partner who already lives locally. It may or may not be as good a relationship as you have with your current partner. It depends how desperate you are to be close to your family and whether that outweighs the relationship you have already.

How committed are you to this person? Maybe you should break up, you both sound bonkers and unable to compromise.

I think if you are going to be a SAHM then I would push for being close to your parents if they are the sort to be helpful with children
My parents were amazing with my kids growing up
I live 10 mins walk from my mum & dad who have now passed away but it was hugely helpful to be that close the last few years
My sister and nieces are a 10 min drive away as well
I’m lucky that my DH dosent bother much with his family and gets on fine with mine 😂

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Most married couples don't move to be nearer relatives just because they have children.

I’ve found the opposite. Lots of people do move nearer their families what you when they have children.

I think this is very true for a lot of people.

OP,

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

What I wouldn't do is go ahead and have children when you are not happy with the decision and hope it works out.

A lot of resentment happens from that.

In a similar situation the person giving birth to the children gets to choose but with the provisio that the other family can visit very regularly.

Will both parents be working?
Who will be doing the likely lions share of childcare and mental load.

Don't expect to eventually get over being 4.5 hours away from family and friends if that is really what you want.

A cool head is needed.

Although you’re between a rock and a hard place, I don’t think breaking up would even be an option.

Assuming you want to live near your parents, you’d have to move back there asap in order to find someone. And anyone you did find would probably never match up to your current guy given you’re still in love with him. For what it’s worth, I lived 500 miles away from both sets of my grandparents and loved them all to bits.

Living somewhere in the middle is pointless, but a sensible choice that's not smack on one doorstep or the other can make a big difference. For example we're planning to move back to where I'm from, but half an hour south of my ideal location, trimming the journey for visitors (and also £££ cheaper).

I'm also planning to stick to WFH roles whilst building consultancy work, and we're buying a house big enough for guests to stay in a semi-annexe.

Another important factor is age - my parents are a decade plus older than my husband's, and we'll likely be retired when his parents are older. We also live near the in laws now, so we want to live in my location for a while.

But the real clinching factor is that where I'm from is a much, MUCH better place to raise kids. The city we live in will be a great place to bring our kids for long weekend/HT type visits to do all the things you can't do in my area.

Be smart about this and you don't have to see it as one choice or the other.

Why wouldn't you raise your children where you live now?

Living on my PILs' doorstep would be far more of a deal-breaker for me than living away from my parents.

Fortunately, my DH thinks the same (and feels the same about my parents) so we've agreed to maintain a minimum 2 hour distance from both sets of parents.

I imagine our parents are quite relieved too as they still get to see DS frequently but there's no chance or expectation of them being pressed into service as unpaid babysitters.

Personally for me, 2 hours from each sounds like the dream and not a compromise, apart from the job situation.

There are always posters on MN saying how they have no one near them, no family support, no one to look after the kids in an emergency and how hard it is.

Over the years I've known plenty of people who have no family to look after their kids in an emergency - guess what? They make friends with people they meet whether neighbours, colleagues, people they meet by chance, people from a group of some sort and they end up with someone who will and actually does look after their kids in an emergency.

If this is all a way off yet, then unless it's an absolute deal breaker for you, I'd stay together (assuming all is basically well otherwise) and keep talking.

Also, remember that the other people involved have agency, and conversely, no one knows what is around the corner.

When DH and I were about your age we had a lot of conversations about if we'd ultimately want to stay where we were (London) or move nearer to either set of parents - both at different points of a triangle and some 7-8 hours from each other. But my parents moved overseas around when my first child was born. (We ended up moving near to in-laws a few years later.)

I'd say the kids, teens now, have pretty good relationships with all the grandparents, but aren't noticeably closer to the ones around the corner. Same with cousins - one set a stone's throw away, others a six-hour drive - but the relationships are actually not dissimilar.

Lots of good replies, one other question is why did you move away from your parents in the first place? That goes for your dp too?

I sympathise as I never saw myself living and raising children away from my family but moved to DH's home country before having kids. DS obviously sees my in-laws more often, but has spent some lovely quality time with my family on visits and seems equally close to both sides. I do have some regrets especially on birthdays, Christmas etc, but on balance, life would be way more stressful in the expensive little corner of England I am from. Do consider the reality of how your day to day life would be but ywnbu if you decide being close to your family is the most important thing to you. I hope you and your partner can work something out that you are both happy with.

I think this is a bit odd OP. I don't get it tbh.

Unless you are worried you wouldn't cope with motherhood and your mum wanted to do XYZ amount of childcare then that would be different.

There's no guarantees in life and I think you have over thought this. Are both sets of parents retired? Realistically how much input would you like from your parents...

Once you have your own kids you become your own little family.

@TremoloGreen

How committed are you to this person? Maybe you should break up, you both sound bonkers and unable to compromise.

Quite

I would never have raised a child away from my mum, but then we were close and always lived relatively close to eachother by an hour or so.

So for me it would be a dealbreaker.