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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Buying house with DFiance

65 replies

GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 19:28

This is our situation and I think it's I should be able to have a say.

Fiancé and I, been together 12 years. Engaged 8. Have a 6year old DD. We are renting in nice (probably is expensive) area.

When I met DF we were 19 and his mum persuaded him and his best friend to buy a house as a buy to let investment. Then probably 5 years later DF, his DM and an investor she works with bought a property 3 ways to buy to let.

The first house sold and the money paid off a few debts, some went to savings. Since then after clearing a few debts my DF has been saving approx ÂŁ600 a month so when the last house sells we will have the money made from that as well as approx ÂŁ15k in savings to even put to the deposit or depending of what we get from the house sale buy furniture etc etc.

The house we live in is lovely but very small 2 up 2 down cottage. We all love it but it is frustratingly small.

I said that before we buy a house together we need to get married. This was always the plan but we just never got around to it. Registry office style wedding is what we always discussed. As I want to know should anything happen me and my DD will be financially okay. This has now gone out of the window, and he's wanting to buy the house we're in as likely a good investment.

When I say I'd like to look around, perhaps a few villages on for a bigger house he says well you've not saved any money. So I have no say.

Now the only reason he's saved anything is because we use his wage (less savings) to pay bills. My salary is then split each month for spending money.

Aibu to think this isn't 100% fair?

OP posts:
GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 19:53

Just giving it a hopeful bump.

OP posts:
RhodaDendron · 02/11/2021 19:59

Goodness me yanbu. He’s being outrageous.

Tempusfudgeit · 02/11/2021 20:00

Stick to your guns.

SickAndTiredAgain · 02/11/2021 20:01

So your salary is spent by both of you every month, and his salary is partially spent by both of you (on bills) and the rest put into savings that he says are now specifically his?
No, that absolutely isn’t fair. He doesn’t get to share finances on your salary but not on his.

Chloemol · 02/11/2021 20:10

@SickAndTiredAgain

So your salary is spent by both of you every month, and his salary is partially spent by both of you (on bills) and the rest put into savings that he says are now specifically his? No, that absolutely isn’t fair. He doesn’t get to share finances on your salary but not on his.
This, with bells on

He only saved because you spent Therefore half of those savings each month are yours

If he doesn’t like it tell him he has to rethink the finances and you will pay half the bills, and keep what’s left of your salary, and he can do the same

Chelyanne · 02/11/2021 20:11

It's his money and you get no say, he's being an arsehole.

ArtfulScreamer · 02/11/2021 20:28

Men are often quite black and white in their thinking without seeing the bigger picture. My DH pays the majority of our household bills and I do savings and holidays but the savings are absolutely our joint savings as without him covering all the bills there would be no savings.

GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 20:31

I thought so. If I push it, to save the argument he just quickly agrees and apologises but the fact it keeps coming up, he clearly still thinks this.

OP posts:
sbhydrogen · 02/11/2021 20:32

@RhodaDendron

Goodness me yanbu. He’s being outrageous.
Yep, most definitely outrageous.
JoyceTempleSavage · 02/11/2021 20:38

How much is your salary compared to his?

Merryoldgoat · 02/11/2021 20:39

He’s an arsehole. I wouldn’t want to stay with him to be honest.

yoyo1234 · 02/11/2021 20:42

The savings should be both of yours . I think you are right to push for a say in where you live and to share money earned as a family however unfortunately you have probably have minimal rights to these things as not married (you quite rightly have a right to child maintenance if you split). I think you are in a difficult place.

Viviennemary · 02/11/2021 20:42

Get rid of the selfish greedy tosser.

TractorAndHeadphones · 02/11/2021 20:43

It doesn’t matter how much is in savings - how much are you both contributing from your individual salaries? Whats thé ratio of your salaries?

And finally if you’re to be married he can’t just buy a house without your consent. It’s your marital home!

myheartskippedabeat · 02/11/2021 20:44

Do
Not get married

GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 20:46

@JoyceTempleSavage

How much is your salary compared to his?
I'm ok 25k pa and be 48k I think but he does over time and can get up to an extra k a month.
OP posts:
Travis1 · 02/11/2021 20:46

@GingerWhingerAreet

I thought so. If I push it, to save the argument he just quickly agrees and apologises but the fact it keeps coming up, he clearly still thinks this.
Time to change how you manage your money then OP. Get a savings account in just your name and start to split the bills in ratio to income.
billy1966 · 02/11/2021 20:48

Well now you know what he thinks OP.

He things you will accept this behaviour.

Unfortunately you have been a mug.

All savings in HIS name?

Of course he thinks its his.🙄

Sorry OP but he's streets ahead of you.
Flowers

GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 20:50

We used to both put 1k into joint account (where the bills leave) then I just started putting 900 in because it it wasn't fair and he upped his to 1300 but I was still left with less than this new arrangement. I'm happy with splitting my salary now as it means I'm left with more than I was Grin but going forward i know nothings really in my name etc. Even if we did buy this house that's too small, I said well I won't put my name on it and he was like okay fine Confused

OP posts:
GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 20:50

@billy1966

Well now you know what he thinks OP.

He things you will accept this behaviour.

Unfortunately you have been a mug.

All savings in HIS name?

Of course he thinks its his.🙄

Sorry OP but he's streets ahead of you.
Flowers

I can't even disagree. I just don't know how to go forward...
OP posts:
eosmum · 02/11/2021 20:51

Reminds me of the saying “what’s yours is mine, and what’s mine’s me own”. He’s being very cheeky.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/11/2021 20:52

Why haven’t you got married for so long?

He doesn’t see you as a partner, I can’t see him seeing you as a wife Sad

DroopyClematis · 02/11/2021 20:53

Sorry if I'm not understanding.

He owns properties.
You don't.
You're currently renting between you.

He pays the bills.

You're supplementing this by way of food etc?

You're in a predicament here.

GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 20:55

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why haven’t you got married for so long?

He doesn’t see you as a partner, I can’t see him seeing you as a wife Sad

I couldn't be bothered as much as he couldn't. We have always just been happy as is, neither of us want a big expensive wedding. But it's only until house buying has been on the card I've thought we probably should be married. Now he's saying well that's just incase we break up and all for the wrong reasons. Which I kind of agree with but I don't really see any other point of being married.
OP posts:
GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 20:57

@DroopyClematis

Sorry if I'm not understanding.

He owns properties.
You don't.
You're currently renting between you.

He pays the bills.

You're supplementing this by way of food etc?

You're in a predicament here.

Bills come out of joint and he puts in to cover then and food. My salary we split for spending money. Going out, family meals, hair, nails etc
OP posts:
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