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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying house with DFiance

65 replies

GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 19:28

This is our situation and I think it's I should be able to have a say.

Fiancé and I, been together 12 years. Engaged 8. Have a 6year old DD. We are renting in nice (probably is expensive) area.

When I met DF we were 19 and his mum persuaded him and his best friend to buy a house as a buy to let investment. Then probably 5 years later DF, his DM and an investor she works with bought a property 3 ways to buy to let.

The first house sold and the money paid off a few debts, some went to savings. Since then after clearing a few debts my DF has been saving approx £600 a month so when the last house sells we will have the money made from that as well as approx £15k in savings to even put to the deposit or depending of what we get from the house sale buy furniture etc etc.

The house we live in is lovely but very small 2 up 2 down cottage. We all love it but it is frustratingly small.

I said that before we buy a house together we need to get married. This was always the plan but we just never got around to it. Registry office style wedding is what we always discussed. As I want to know should anything happen me and my DD will be financially okay. This has now gone out of the window, and he's wanting to buy the house we're in as likely a good investment.

When I say I'd like to look around, perhaps a few villages on for a bigger house he says well you've not saved any money. So I have no say.

Now the only reason he's saved anything is because we use his wage (less savings) to pay bills. My salary is then split each month for spending money.

Aibu to think this isn't 100% fair?

OP posts:
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 02/11/2021 21:00

Sounds like he's covering his financial arse.

If he doesn't get married then you're not entitled to half his savings, houses etc if you divorce

You played right into his hands by saying you'd not buy the house you're currently in, this way he gets you to pay towards it and you'd not be entitled to anything if you split, name not on the mortgage and you're not married - win win for him

Seems you're good enough to have kids with, contribute towards the bills to enable him to save but not good enough to marry or be in a financial partnership

Chamomileteaplease · 02/11/2021 21:00

You can understand him wanting to ringfence some of the investment of a new house but he doesn't seem to get that you are now a team Sad and the least of this means that you get a say in where you live Shock.

Embracelife · 02/11/2021 21:05

He earns twice as much
But doesn't pay twice as much for bills

DroopyClematis · 02/11/2021 21:06

Absolutely, he's covering his arse.

But if you were in his position, wouldn't you?

MN is full of threads and posts telling women to cover themselves or to go to a solicitor to ring fence their assets.

The fact that your partner has hinted at this speaks volumes.
He's reluctant.
Think you need a rethink on this relationship.

Original poster
GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 21:08

Non of this comes as a shock to me and I'm quite confident that if I put my food down I will get my way. But even I'm not sure what's for the best. Is it marriage?

OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 02/11/2021 21:08

PS
One of his properties is with his mum.
You'll be hard pressed to grab any of that one!
Just saying.

LittleOwl153 · 02/11/2021 21:11

So you are earning 50% of what he earns or 33% of the total household income (it will be slightly different when tax etc is taken into account).

On that basis you should be paying no more than 33% of the bills and costs and should have your own savings. I'd stop paying him half your salary for spending money and start putting that into savings for yourself- he can spend the money he has squirreled away at your expense. (Unless he agrees to halve the savings in each name as you would have if you shared all income as a family with a child as clearly without your contribution he wouldn't have them.)

Original poster
GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 21:12

@DroopyClematis

PS One of his properties is with his mum. You'll be hard pressed to grab any of that one! Just saying.
That's a whole other thread. She's giving him her share of profit. If he buys the cottage she's in (with a gifted deposit from her) as she's too old for a mortgage. Then when she pops it that's supposedly our daughters. She not too long ago walked out on his dad so has buy to let's but has no money really as a lot are in negative equity etc.

It's all rather complicated to me, hence why I've just gone along with it for so long. We have a nice life...only recently started to think I should probably protect number one. As without him, I'd be struggling!!

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 02/11/2021 21:12

Yeah and definitely do not allow him (and his mother) to dictate where you live!!

Original poster
GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 21:13

@LittleOwl153

So you are earning 50% of what he earns or 33% of the total household income (it will be slightly different when tax etc is taken into account).

On that basis you should be paying no more than 33% of the bills and costs and should have your own savings. I'd stop paying him half your salary for spending money and start putting that into savings for yourself- he can spend the money he has squirreled away at your expense. (Unless he agrees to halve the savings in each name as you would have if you shared all income as a family with a child as clearly without your contribution he wouldn't have them.)

That's helpful. Thank you.
OP posts:
hotmeatymilk · 02/11/2021 21:17

Even if we did buy this house that's too small, I said well I won't put my name on it and he was like okay fine
Well, that’s stupid. Why would you cut off your nose to spite your face?

He sounds like a shitbag tbh.

DrManhattan · 02/11/2021 21:56

What a prick.
At least you know why he doesn't want to get married.

parietal · 02/11/2021 22:03

you need to argue that marriage is about inheritance and tax, not about potentially breaking up.

if you are unmarried and he dies suddenly, you have to pay inheritance tax and things get v complicated.

if you are married and one partner dies suddenly, at least the house & money is OK.

that is a stronger argument than protecting your money in case of a breakup.

Original poster
GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 22:08

@parietal

you need to argue that marriage is about inheritance and tax, not about potentially breaking up.

if you are unmarried and he dies suddenly, you have to pay inheritance tax and things get v complicated.

if you are married and one partner dies suddenly, at least the house & money is OK.

that is a stronger argument than protecting your money in case of a breakup.

This is just what I needed, thanks!
OP posts:
DrManhattan · 02/11/2021 22:21

Why on earth would you have to present an argument for him to marry you?
Feel bad for you

Original poster
GingerWhingerAreet · 02/11/2021 22:27

@DrManhattan

Why on earth would you have to present an argument for him to marry you? Feel bad for you
Because he's tight and doesn't want to pay for it! Out of our savings....I'm not putting up with it any longer so somethings got to change.
OP posts:
yoyo1234 · 03/11/2021 02:20

"Even if we did buy this house that's too small, I said well I won't put my name on it and he was like okay fine"

This is playing into his hands. At least if you do get your names on the deeds this is a way you would have a claim on an asset. Please get some claim on something.

Flittingaboutagain · 03/11/2021 03:18

Hi OP. Legal protection is a very good reason to get married prior to buying the house yes. I am having a Registry office wedding shortly for this reason.

timeisnotaline · 03/11/2021 03:27

Aibu to think this isn't 100% fair?
This is 100% not fair. Next pay, keep £600 for your savings and tell him there’s a deficit he will have to make up to meet the bills as you’ve taken what he’s said on board and decided to be more financially savvy so you’re done paying household bills so he can save.
Then did you take time off for mat leave? Send him the bill for a nanny for a year to boost your starting savings. Tell his this is all his idea and he’s made it clear what you need to do to be taken seriously as a copartner, and thank him for enlightening you on this topic.

What a douche.

Billandben444 · 03/11/2021 06:25

I agree with all the above but would add that it's unwise to guarantee his mum will leave her house to your children as she may need to sell it for care home fees or run off with a trapeze artist and leave it to him. Tell fiancé you need to get married for tax purposes, insist your name is on any property you buy to live in and then forget this hiccup and move on.

Squeezita · 03/11/2021 06:29

Where are the savings now? In his account?

I’d be getting half transferred to me ASAP.

MissBPotter · 03/11/2021 06:56

So basically you earn half of what he does but you give him spending money each month. Then he saves £600 a month for himself? Then tells you that you have to agree to buy whatever property he wanted because you have no savings…. But his savings should be at least half yours! This has to be one of the worst arrangements I’ve seen on MN! I would ask for half the savings to be transferred to your account. If he refuses to do this I’m not sure where you stand though. I don’t think I’d want to marry someone who did this to me. Next month start saving £800 per month. He can cover the rest since he’s been basically bankrolled by you for years.

Sparklfairy · 03/11/2021 07:04

@SickAndTiredAgain

So your salary is spent by both of you every month, and his salary is partially spent by both of you (on bills) and the rest put into savings that he says are now specifically his? No, that absolutely isn’t fair. He doesn’t get to share finances on your salary but not on his.
This sums it up perfectly. He's using you.

A registry office wedding doesn't cost much. But I have a feeling that he likes the status quo as is and won't want to share his money so you can protect yourself Sad

PurBal · 03/11/2021 07:17

he’s tight and doesn’t want to pay for it a wedding costs less than £100 (think it’s £57 in 2021) to be legally married, don’t need the big fancy party.

Naunet · 03/11/2021 07:19

Demand half the savings OP, this man is playing you.

He’s keeping all the savings for himself, he thinks that gives him the power to dictate where you live, and you saying you wouldn’t put your name on it is probably music to his ears, it’s all his then isn’t it? He’ll never marry you, couldn’t risk you be entitled to anything. If this relationship was to end, you’d be walking away with nothing, whilst he gets to buy himself a house. I’d be furious, I couldn’t love such a selfish man.