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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he needs to pay for 7 weeks here?

77 replies

TeamSpike · 02/11/2021 17:09

Exh pays maintenance for Dd monthly. He calculated it and we don't go through csa. He's got a new job where his payday has changed from 10th to 30th of the month. So he paid me last on 10th Oct and has said he doesn't need to pay now until 30th Nov. So I have asked whether he will be paying 7 weeks worth as that's how long it is between payment dates. He says he doesn't have to because its still a monthly payment it's just on a different date.
AIBU to think he does need to pay the 7 weeks worth?

OP posts:
hawtpot · 02/11/2021 19:48

It's a shame Op it really is.

I had to change the date my loan payment came out of my account as my pay day changed. I see this as something similar, I'm still paying X amount a month but the date has been pushed back a couple of weeks from the 1st to the 21st

ChikiTIKI · 02/11/2021 19:50

I think you're still getting 12 payments a year and so under the circumstances I would leave it. If he moves jobs again and his salary payment moves to an earlier date in the month, I would expect your payments to come in earlier and for the first one in that scenario not to be reduced.

Noavocado · 02/11/2021 19:54

Is there anyway you can change other direct debits to a later date in the month?

Hardybloodyhar · 02/11/2021 19:59

I'd the 10th of October payment covers 1-31 October and the 30 November payment covers 1-30 November it's a cash flow issue.
If you were married and he changed jobs in the scenario you'd have a tight cashflow period, the same as you will now. Can you get a payment extension on any utilities due in the period?

MrsCardone · 02/11/2021 20:03

I wouldn't rock the boat, tbh. If you can manage for that 2 weeks, just leave it. You don't want to risk him suddenly wanting contact.

Original poster
TeamSpike · 02/11/2021 20:05

I'm looking at what I can do re bills now. It's not just that though, it's food shopping as well

OP posts:
TotallySuper · 02/11/2021 20:10

@TeamSpike

I'm looking at what I can do re bills now. It's not just that though, it's food shopping as well
Would you qualify for a food bank?
Original poster
TeamSpike · 02/11/2021 20:14

Possibly. I've not looked into it before

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/11/2021 20:16

If he pays you the same amount every month then I think he is right as its 12 payments - one for each month doesn't matter if its the 10th or 30th.

on practical front if you have monthly direct debits you could request the payment dates are moved to 30th

JetRocket · 02/11/2021 20:18

Ah OP tough situation.

YANBU he should pay….but do you want to risk opening the can of worms? I personally wouldn’t. I’d not want to risk him trying to gain access.

CaroHart · 02/11/2021 20:23

Yanbu. He should be paying you to suit your convenience and your child's wellbeing, not his. If going through CSA starts him looking for access, fight it with everything you have. Supervised access is a joke, and there are many cases of an abuser carrying out abuse while being "supervised". The supervisor is putting on the kettle, or going to the loo, or just looking in the other direction.
If he doesn't pay, threaten to take him to court and make a fuss about it.

Chocolatewheatos · 02/11/2021 20:24

If you can survive without it. I'd take a 3 week non payment over any chance he may think he has a right or chance to meet her. No way would I want him anywhere near her.

Not saying its right, but I wouldn't rock the boat tbh.

TurnUpTurnip · 02/11/2021 20:25

I would leave it but then I don’t claim any maintenance at all, best not to rely on it tbh, you’re not suppose to hence why it doesn’t affect benefits etc

CaroHart · 02/11/2021 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Noavocado · 02/11/2021 20:34

@CaroHart seriously did you need to say that. I'm sure the OP has had enough mental images of what he did. Talk about bloody insensitive.

erinaceus · 02/11/2021 21:16

One thing to do is to just keep this in mind, so that if his payday changes back to earlier in the month in the future he moves the date he pays you earlier as well rather than pushing it later again.

starsparkle08 · 02/11/2021 21:18

Given your circumstances I would not push for the money - leave well alone to ensure peace of mind in him not coming after access . It’s not worth making yourself ill with anxiety .

My ex pays £75 per month and was very abusive to me . He has no contact and there’s no way I’m requesting more money as my anxiety would be awful. My sons 10 now and I still get palpitations thinking of him

Original poster
TeamSpike · 02/11/2021 21:38

@starsparkle08

Given your circumstances I would not push for the money - leave well alone to ensure peace of mind in him not coming after access . It’s not worth making yourself ill with anxiety .

My ex pays £75 per month and was very abusive to me . He has no contact and there’s no way I’m requesting more money as my anxiety would be awful. My sons 10 now and I still get palpitations thinking of him

You're right. I do suffer with anxiety as well. I started having panic attacks a couple of years ago because I was terrified I was going to die suddenly and Dd would end up with him. Irrational but anxiety tends to be!
OP posts:
caketiger · 02/11/2021 23:15

IMHO he needs to pay all of oct's contribution on Oct 7th, all of Novembers at the end of November.

ImUninsultable · 02/11/2021 23:50

He's right. He pays monthly. Doesnt matter if there is a longer gap because the payment date changes. You're you're getting a payment each month and once it goes round a full year, you'll have has the full amount due to you.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/11/2021 23:55

Op have you got a will in case?

Also are you claiming all you can re benefits? You're surviving on the whim of a guy who could just stop paying one day. You really need to look and see if you're entitled to tax credits etc

Original poster
TeamSpike · 03/11/2021 07:36

@SleepingStandingUp

Op have you got a will in case?

Also are you claiming all you can re benefits? You're surviving on the whim of a guy who could just stop paying one day. You really need to look and see if you're entitled to tax credits etc

I haven't got a will. Yes I'm claiming everything I can at the moment
OP posts:
londonrach · 03/11/2021 07:43

You right but in your situation I wouldn't rock the boat. I wouldn't want him asking for contact.

whynotwhatknot · 03/11/2021 10:38

Its shit but probably not worth going through cms they'll take at least a month to sort it anyway

CaroHart · 03/11/2021 21:19

@noavocado I wasn't trying to be insensitive. I have worked with victims of child sexual abuse for years, and see how the crimes committed against children tend to get sanitised and minimised by euphemistic phrases such as "downloading images". I was pointing out the reality of what this man did, and why it would be important for OP to really fight against him having access.

We don't do children any favours by downplaying the seriousness of the crimes against them, and if OP or anybody else has disturbing images in their minds about it, it's because of what he did, not because of what I wrote. I'm fairly shocked that MN removed my post. Are we now protecting ourselves from knowing the reality of what children have to endure? How fragile.