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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a bit of effort prior to a first date (Online dating)

81 replies

Acey68 · 02/11/2021 09:12

How much effort / communication would you expect before meeting someone for the first time?
Have a date planned for Thursday but starting to feel a bit underwhelmed by lack of effort although potentially this is the norm!
He asked me out last week and we settled for Thursday. There has been a bit of contact since then but over the weekend we were messaging Saturday morning and then he just stopped responding (He ignored me asking how his day was going). Still no reply by the evening the following day, so I popped him another message asking if he was ok? That also went unanswered for another day. After having 2 messages ignored over 2 days I just assumed I was being ghosted so said to him, are we still on for Thursday, no worries if not- just need to know. He responded straight away saying Yes Thursday is still good but no apology or explanation of lack of response. I said ok great, a couple of messages back and forward again, I asked him how his work day was going yesterday at 12pm and nothing back since. Would this put you off or am I really expecting to much here?

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 03/11/2021 05:22

@BlackberrySky

I hate "how's your day?" messages from anyone. It's so open ended and if I'm honest comes across as a bit lazy from the sender, as in, they send something very quick because they want contact, but it requires detail back.
I agree with this. One friend of mine regularly sends “any news there?” messages and it really irritates me. She’s basically saying “I’m bored, entertain me!”. I’ve taken to answering with one word such as no/nope/nothing etc but she still hasn’t got the hint.
Original poster
Acey68 · 03/11/2021 12:38

Thanks all. Interesting to see different perspectives! No reply since Monday afternoon and no mention of any plans for tomorrow night.
At what point do I assume it's not happening. Or has that past already? If it's not happening I'll book my usual gym class lol! So would be good to know, but equally don't want to be messaging him asking again.

OP posts:
starrynight87 · 03/11/2021 12:40

I would wait for him, if no contact before the date day, don't go.

pollyroo · 03/11/2021 12:48

@hotmeatymilk

He ignored me asking how his day was going). Still no reply by the evening the following day, so I popped him another message asking if he was ok? Oh God, I’d be ghosting you at this point. You haven’t even gone on a date! You had a date planned for Thursday, why do you need confirmation in triplicate? You’re pestering him and looking for boyfriend-level daily banal chit-chat, but you don’t yet know if you’ve got chemistry, he’s got bad breath, is he rude to waiters, does he pay for rounds, etc. Calm down.
This OP. With bells on ⬆️

You are coming across needy AF.
Can't stand all that polite "How is your day going" saga bollocks when you don't even know the person. Chill your beans!

cantseethelight82 · 03/11/2021 12:52

If he messages now with details, you're setting yourself up for future interactions, don't wait for him! Make your own plans and show him you're not sitting around waiting on him clicking his fingers

Ponoka7 · 03/11/2021 13:08

I'm wondering if he thought that you were on a date when he called, rather than with a friend. Don't be kept waiting. Phone or text today and if no reply, come tomorrow be busy. This is too messy a start.

Original poster
Acey68 · 03/11/2021 14:46

@Ponoka7

I'm wondering if he thought that you were on a date when he called, rather than with a friend. Don't be kept waiting. Phone or text today and if no reply, come tomorrow be busy. This is too messy a start.
Hmm not sure if I have already given him enough chances to come through with a plan. Should I really be messaging him again asking what's going on? Monday morning he told me we were still good for Thursday, but that's all I've had- no time, no place, nothing set up beyond a day to meet and feel like if he was really that bothered I wouldn't need to chase!
OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 03/11/2021 14:50

@Ponoka7

I'm wondering if he thought that you were on a date when he called, rather than with a friend. Don't be kept waiting. Phone or text today and if no reply, come tomorrow be busy. This is too messy a start.
No no no NO!! DO not phone or text, for goodness sake.

Book your gym class. If he does come through with details for tomorrow, say "sorry, but it's too late now, I have other plans".

You may add "I could make Friday at x pm". If you want to. Though I wouldnt...

AutumnTreesBloom · 03/11/2021 21:58

@Acey68

Thanks all. Interesting to see different perspectives! No reply since Monday afternoon and no mention of any plans for tomorrow night. At what point do I assume it's not happening. Or has that past already? If it's not happening I'll book my usual gym class lol! So would be good to know, but equally don't want to be messaging him asking again.
Book your gym class. It's a bit odd he hasn't spoken to you about sorting plans, time, place etc. I wouldn't waste my time. It's literally Thursday tomorrow. How last minute is he wanting to leave it?
Ibizafun · 03/11/2021 22:49

Please let this one go, he’s obviously not in the zone or just doesn’t know how to behave. After my divorce I went on quite a few dates but one of them booked a restaurant in a beautiful hotel as if it came to anything we would always remember our first date somewhere lovely. He is now my dh and puts the same effort into our marriage and everything he does.

Hankunamatata · 03/11/2021 22:54

Friend always arrange to meet her OLD in coffee shop near work and straight after work. They can see real you, you see if its it's worth a second date with bit more effort.

Hankunamatata · 03/11/2021 22:55

She got rid of loads of time wasters and creeps

Sunsetdive · 03/11/2021 23:05

I'd have ditched him after the 'oi' - he's rude.
Book your gym class, and don't message him again.

MyAnacondaMight · 03/11/2021 23:10

"How's your day going" before I've met someone is an instant block. You might as well send a text saying PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

Yep.

Taoneusa · 03/11/2021 23:14

Hmm, no. Not responding to my messages, and texting “Oi” when he wants a response.

I’d feel he wants it on his terms, he’s dominant rather than reciprocal.

Not my cup of tea.

IslaPineappple · 03/11/2021 23:15

Don't text him. Go to the gym.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 04/11/2021 02:59

Just book your gym class. If he gets in touch then he'll just have to fit in around the plans you have already made, or do it another day. He can't expect you to wait around and not do anything until he's decided to grace you with his presence. Don't do it.

Fireflygal · 04/11/2021 03:40

The first meet isn't a date, it's a meet.

I don't think he should have phoned you without prior arranging so that's a red flag. Speaking before is sensible but only if arranged and agreed beforehand

He probadly has other meets planned so don't be overinvested until you actually meet.

Squeezita · 04/11/2021 03:51

Let us know how it goes ☺️

Mermaidwaves · 04/11/2021 04:19

I'm going to go against the grain here and say he sounds really half arsed! I would expect a bit more from a potential date than he is giving and the fact he's been so vague about Thursday (today) without making actual plans with you is crap and really lacklustre.

He's not showing much interest here so I would make your plans as usual but I suspect this one will fizzle out. You can do better than this one OP, good luck Flowers

bembridge11 · 04/11/2021 04:22

There are no rules per se. You should do what feels comfortable for you. I think it is rude of him to ignore your messages. Especially when he thought it was acceptable to call you!
Anyway. See how the date goes. Hard to pre-judge thing too much before you have actually met in real life

TheFoz · 04/11/2021 04:51

This one sounds like a time waster. I wouldn’t waste my time meeting him. Book your gym class.

Aprilx · 04/11/2021 06:28

@Acey68

Thanks all. Interesting to see different perspectives! No reply since Monday afternoon and no mention of any plans for tomorrow night. At what point do I assume it's not happening. Or has that past already? If it's not happening I'll book my usual gym class lol! So would be good to know, but equally don't want to be messaging him asking again.
Well it’s Thursday now, so if you haven’t already, I would book the gym class. I don’t think he was flaky early on, I think he got red flags with you pestering him every day with “how are you” and “are you ok”, to someone you have never even met is really over the top. It is weird him ringing you too, I can’t work out what that was about.

I would leave this one alone now. Next time don’t try to force the daily chit chat until you have actually met.

Baconking · 04/11/2021 07:08

He sounds like a complete waste of time.

icelollycraving · 04/11/2021 07:23

Hope you booked the gym. OLD is pretty brutal, it’s not for everyone. If I didn’t hear back from someone, I wouldn’t chase. Him calling on the weekend was him having had a few drinks and seeing if you were around. He’s looking for casual, you clearly are looking for something more relationshipy. Don’t be surprised if you get a call in a week though, just don’t answer.
I think you’ve looked too keen. Mostly in OLD, people are dating lots and there are new profiles all the time. I felt like it was a full time job and that was years ago!