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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a bit of effort prior to a first date (Online dating)

81 replies

Acey68 · 02/11/2021 09:12

How much effort / communication would you expect before meeting someone for the first time?
Have a date planned for Thursday but starting to feel a bit underwhelmed by lack of effort although potentially this is the norm!
He asked me out last week and we settled for Thursday. There has been a bit of contact since then but over the weekend we were messaging Saturday morning and then he just stopped responding (He ignored me asking how his day was going). Still no reply by the evening the following day, so I popped him another message asking if he was ok? That also went unanswered for another day. After having 2 messages ignored over 2 days I just assumed I was being ghosted so said to him, are we still on for Thursday, no worries if not- just need to know. He responded straight away saying Yes Thursday is still good but no apology or explanation of lack of response. I said ok great, a couple of messages back and forward again, I asked him how his work day was going yesterday at 12pm and nothing back since. Would this put you off or am I really expecting to much here?

OP posts:
shakingmytambourineatyou · 02/11/2021 09:49

If my partner texted me that much about nothing, I would block him. And we've been married for years!

shakingmytambourineatyou · 02/11/2021 09:52

Just saw your update, OP. You want a relationship, he wants casual x

Original poster
Acey68 · 02/11/2021 09:56

The call was at about 2pm. Would this pass at a booty call? He also knew I was busy over the weekend which was why we didn't plan the date for then, so I didn't get the impression it was a booty call but maybe I'm being naive here!

OP posts:
WheelieBinPrincess · 02/11/2021 09:57

Yes, if he was bored and drinking on a weekend afternoon and knew you’d be out and drinking too absolutely yes.

BlackberrySky · 02/11/2021 09:58

I hate "how's your day?" messages from anyone. It's so open ended and if I'm honest comes across as a bit lazy from the sender, as in, they send something very quick because they want contact, but it requires detail back.

hotmeatymilk · 02/11/2021 11:17

If my partner texted me that much about nothing, I would block him. And we've been married for years!
Grin I dumped a LTR for sending “Nothing much happening in my day, a bit boring, how’s yours?” emails. His first post-dumping contact was “I miss being able to send you nothing-much chit-chat, wonder if we could do that as friends.” Gah!

Cantfindausernamethatsnottaken · 02/11/2021 11:25

Make sure you meet in a busy public place.You actually sound over invested in a stranger.

TurnUpTurnip · 02/11/2021 11:29

Oh no don’t double (triple?) text when you haven’t had a response 🤦🏻

Original poster
Acey68 · 02/11/2021 11:32

Yes think I just need to chill out a bit and leave him to come to me. If I don't hear anything then that's my answer!

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 02/11/2021 18:24

I think you are right.

KayKayWat · 02/11/2021 18:44

Usually all the chat is the precursor to a date. To try and qualify if you want to meet them. Once you've arranged a date it's better IMO to not overdo the chit chat. It's like getting invited to a job interview and continuing trying to sell yourself before they even meet you.

TractorAndHeadphones · 02/11/2021 18:59

If someone really wants to meet you they’ll be keen to lock down times/places. The ones who left it vague either ghosted, or never texted back, or did it so last minute that it’s obvious I was never high on their list. Sorry OP

TractorAndHeadphones · 02/11/2021 19:00

Write him off in your own mind and carry on

Notonthenewrug · 02/11/2021 19:04

I'm going against what most of the others have said, but if someone blanked my messages then I would write them off. I hate the way dating seems to have gone, mostly online and dating multiple people at once. I'm a bit of an old romantic though 🤣

WhatAShilohPitt · 02/11/2021 22:22

Oh ffs, bin this loser off. Nobody is so busy that they can’t apologise when they do finally get round to replying. ‘Sorry Acey! Hectic week at work! Yes, all good for tomorrow!’
^ that took me four seconds. He’s just rude and thoughtless.

Konstantine8364 · 02/11/2021 22:40

I'm OLD and if it was the other way round I would have unmatched you. Basic rule, dont message again until they have messaged back! Ether they will message you in their own time or they aren't interested

nanny2012nanny · 03/11/2021 00:05

He’s got a girlfriend hence the radio silence on weekend

MadeItOut21 · 03/11/2021 03:11

You're expecting way too much. I would be put off by someone expecting so much engagement before meeting the first time. OLD is not some fairytale where you find this amazing pen pal who ends being a young Tom Hanks etc.

The effort comes after your first date, you might meet and hate each other. And he probably has other dates which is why he's busy, when I was on OLD I had series of dates. Don't put all your eggs in one basket and all that.

Avarua · 03/11/2021 03:51

Ugh I hate texting and I really hate how's your day style texting. I guess I just find messages like that moderately annoying, like it needs something back that I don't want to give. I'm busy, FFS, leave me alone. That's how I feel. Face to face, great, happy to spend time.

Meet up, see if you like him enough. Get married, have babies, whatever. Then bore him with your boring texts all you want!

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 03/11/2021 04:02

I hate "how's your day going" messages from anyone expect DH. It's fine coming from him because I can actually be 100% honest and I know he is asking because he genuinely cares. Neither of these things is true with someone you haven't met.

If I was single and OLD, I would probably ignore those kinds of messages, or just give a 1 word response. I would arrange a first date, with a time and a place, and then I wouldn't get in touch again, except perhaps to confirm the night before that the date was going ahead.

MimiDaisy11 · 03/11/2021 04:02

I used to find small talk so tiring on online dating. I would only exchange a message or two and then meet up. In fact I often asked to meet up in my first message and if they got back to agree that would be basically it. I liked meeting people face to face - you can judge them better that way and see if there’s chemistry.

RunningScarabbed · 03/11/2021 04:24

I think it's rude of him not to answer back at all. If he doesn't like texting, why not say so or just keep it brief but polite? I'd assume someone wasn't interested in me if he completely ignored my friendly texts.

I'd back off but still meet him face to face, because you can tell so much about someone that way. I'd be prepared for disappointment, though, in case this means you're incompatible.

RunningScarabbed · 03/11/2021 04:32

Btw, I met DH online, back before texting was really a thing. We got to know one another through chats and emails, long before we were able to meet in person. Wouldn't work for everyone, but just to say that not everyone would run screaming after a few texts or waits to meet in person before investing time in learning about the other person.

SunshineCake1 · 03/11/2021 05:06

The clues are there already. The oi is awful. How dare you not jump to his demands. Yet ok to ignore your texts...

Jennifer2r · 03/11/2021 05:13

"How's your day going" before I've met someone is an instant block. You might as well send a text saying PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

I want to date an adult who has things going on in their own life. If it was my husband of many years perhaps I'd feel differently.

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