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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I should tell her?

55 replies

Lostgirl78 · 02/11/2021 07:04

OK. I don't know the best way to describe what's happening.

My sister is married. They've just bought a lovely big house in an expensive city. They moved in two weeks ago. My DD and I are up to visit for a few days.

My sister has always been moody and difficult. I think she suffers from stress or anxiety or something. I can't put my finger on it.

They have two boys. My sister doesn't work. The kids are at school now. Her husband has an excellent job. My sister hasn't worked for a decade.

She spends all her time cleaning, organising, complaining that nobody else is doing things right, shouting at everyone, getting stressed about mess (but it could just be that someone has left a book out because they're reading it or something), moaning about how much she hates her friends, other family members, neighbours, people in general. She is extraordinarily judgemental and has a weird very high moral code. She won't accept lies of any kind (even little fibs from my 4-year-old kid!). She is very very righteous about everything.

We're not allowed to talk too loud. She suggested my four-year-old was deaf yesterday because of the volume of her voice. She's not. She's just a joyful little girl.

She hates her MIL. The woman is annoying, I'll grant her that, but my sister will analyse EVERY little thing she does and want to talk about it in great detail. Our conversations are only ever bitching about her. Her MIL just gave them a lot of money to help buy this house.

She speaks to her husband like shit. She calls him the C-word in front of the kids. Full-on verbal abuse and he takes it. Sometimes he shouts back, but I think he just thinks it's easier to apologise and agree with her. I had a quiet chat with him last night (because she stormed off to bed without eating dinner with us because even though he's taken two weeks off work to get the house set up, he hasn't done the jobs she wanted doing). He said it's even worse than this when I'm not here.

Anyway, the whole situation is unbelievable and I don't know if I've been able to give a full picture here. I love my sister so much. I want the best for her. But I think she might need help. I don't know if I should suggest it. What can I do? She has moments of "clarity" where she's so kind and funny and my best friend. She's very loyal.

My biggest fear is that I'm a single mum and she's my only relative. If anything were to happen to me, she'd get my DD. Everything looks wonderful on the surface. It's an Instagram-worthy life. But it's so toxic and hostile.

Any suggestions? How can I help her?

OP posts:
5thnonblonde · 02/11/2021 07:06

She doesn’t sound happy- could you gently start there and see if she responds?

Cherrysoup · 02/11/2021 07:08

I think you can support her dh to leave and take the kids! She’s a classic abuser. Sorry, OP, she sounds controlling and horrible. Possibly in need of medicated help.

StoneofDestiny · 02/11/2021 07:09

Was she ever any different?
First, talk to her and find out if she recognises her behaviour is unstable. Talk to her about getting help.
Put it in your will you do not want your child brought up by her and consider other outcomes.

millenialblush · 02/11/2021 07:14

She sounds deeply unhappy, does she reflect on her own behaviour and apologise? Or does she think she's always in the right?

If the first then she needs to seek help. If the latter then imagine what you would be saying to her if you'd witnessed her husband treating her in the way she's treating him.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/11/2021 07:14

If she calls him a c* infromt of the kids this is abusive. I am not sure what to do it other than change your will so that you express you dont want her to have your kids and why. I would start documenting everything in case her husband needs support at any stage. Was there any abuse in your family when you were growing up? Does she have any mental health issues or diagnoses such as personality disorders? Has she always been like this? Its tricky if she is a SAHP as she would likely get custody so it might be that he stays as this is his only way of ensuring long term contact with the kids.

Its difficult as if you call her out on it is sounds like she is likely to fly off the handle and push you away rather than listen to what you are saying. Have you tried gently talking to her saying something like you don't think she is happy and her kids will pick up on if and asked what you can do to support her?

5thnonblonde · 02/11/2021 07:15

Oh sorry- I thought this was a change in behaviour. Hmm, if she’s always been moody perhaps you’re best off distancing yourself and supporting her SH

Original poster
Lostgirl78 · 02/11/2021 07:16

She's always been a bit OCD. She's not diagnosed or anything, so I don't mean any offense to those who have it, but that's how I'd describe it. It's not a phobia of germs or anything, but it all has to be done her way. She can't ever relax unless everything is in its place.

And I think she's always been a bit judgey.

But it's just getting worse and worse. I've been here since Friday and I'm going home tomorrow. I feel very angsty and teary. I'm just worried to death.

She cares very much about the kids, but it's hot and cold. So they do all the after-school activities and have the best food and she runs around after them... but then will lose it if one of them isn't holding their fork properly. They have the best of everything, but they can't leave a mark on the table. It's just aggro all the time.

I think the kids totally accept this as normal. One of them is a very sensitive little soul and the other is a bit of a terror, to be honest. He's only six though.

I tried to talk to her last night but she said I never support her and nobody listens to her. I do nothing but listen to her.

OP posts:
R0tational · 02/11/2021 13:56

She may have some kind of anxiety or personality disorder - emotional dysregulation. Definitely say something - poor DH.

Restart10 · 02/11/2021 14:05

She might have some deep issues but this doesn't change the fact that she sounds incredibly abusive! She is abusive to her husband and children, please don't minimize this as her being moody. That home must be deeply unhappy with everyone on edge around her. I agree with pp about supporting her dh into leaving, you should be more concerned about her children than her.

Yogawankonobi · 02/11/2021 14:29

Have you ever spoken to her about her behaviour?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/11/2021 14:33

I’m sure you love her but she’s abusing her children and her husband is so beaten down he’s letting her.

I wouldn’t bother trying to talk to her but I would urge him to strongly consider the well-being of their kids and to leave her. They should be his priority. Even if he doesn’t want better for himself - he’s a boiled frog, it happens after being a punching bag for years - he should be wanting better for them.

Whatever her issues they’re her responsibility to get help with. She’s behaving in a toxic disgusting way and causing massive damage to two children whose home should be a sanctuary, not a battle ground.

You need to find someone else you want as your DD’s legal guardian.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/11/2021 14:35

As for all the “aww she sounds unhappy bless her” posts. FFS. Maybe she is. But that’s hardly the central point is it Hmm

DrManhattan · 02/11/2021 14:37

Reminds me of I AM VICTORIA that was on the other week

RudestLittleMadam · 02/11/2021 14:40

Swearing at him and calling him names is abusive. As it’s often in front of the children she’s abusing them as well. It’s not acceptable, even if she’s a “nice” person some of the time. Plenty of abusers can be and are pleasant some of the time.

She sounds unhappy, as others have said but in all honesty, do you think she will listen to you if you talk to her about it? I sympathise btw OP- it’s awful watching other people behave this way and destroy their loved ones.

KateTheEighth · 02/11/2021 14:50

"I think the kids totally accept this as normal. One of them is a very sensitive little soul and the other is a bit of a terror, to be honest. He's only six though."

Of course they accept this as normal. They don't know any different. This is their life.

They are being brought up in an abusive home. Their mother is abusive.

How will she react if you speak to her?

Justilou1 · 02/11/2021 14:50

Those kids can’t be happy. It’s not an emotionally or psychologically safe house for them to be in with someone so highly critical, labile and who calls their father abusive names. She needs psychological help and they probably all do, tbh. I would actually contact their school and discuss confidentially, maybe even SS, so she can get the help she needs. She isn’t going to accept it willingly I suspect.

HouseOfFire · 02/11/2021 15:01

My biggest fear is that I'm a single mum and she's my only relative. If anything were to happen to me, she'd get my DD Well put something in place so she doesnt go to your sister.
Do you have any good friends who would step on the offchance that something happens

pantsandpringles · 02/11/2021 15:03

She needs serious psychological help. It does sound like ocd, because I have it and it's taken years (despite being a quiet, chilled person) to not feel pure anger when things aren't put back in their place, or done the "right" way. There's an order that things have to be done in, and if it's not like that, then my stress levels hit the roof, because it won't feel/look/taste right or not have the same effect.

It's very difficult to live with (I've also got EUPD, with BPD traits, dysthemia and anxiety)

But every second of every day I am checking myself and slowly it's lost its grip on me. To the point I can let my partner tidy up at night once my toddler is asleep and I know things won't be put in their "homes" , but that's OK because nothing bad will happen. I can leave the hoovering for a couple of days because social services won't come and take my daughter away because there's crumbs on the floor.

Weirdly, when playing with her, getting messy with sand, paint, playdough etc has never been an issue. If she is smiling and happy, I don't care if paint gets a bit on the floor or if a sandy toddler trail has been left over the house.

pantsandpringles · 02/11/2021 15:04

Also, forgot to add I'm on strong meds now which helps

fantasmasgoria1 · 02/11/2021 15:13

I have eupd and I in no way behave like this. I wiah people would not always suggest a personality disorder every time a person behaves badly.

casinoroyale4ever · 02/11/2021 15:30

It does sound as though she needs mental health help to me, I'd be inclined to say that you're supporting her by saying that.

BurntTheFuckOut · 02/11/2021 16:01

Christ. She sounds like my mother, a verbally abusive, controlling, neurotic dickhead who should never have had children.

BirdyBirdyTweetTweet · 02/11/2021 17:48

Does she not realise how lucky she is and how difficult potentially her life would be as a struggling single mum ??? I know money does not equate happiness but she need a wake up call.

Original poster
Lostgirl78 · 02/11/2021 18:06

I think it's hard for me to accept her as being abusive. I know she adores her children and would do anything for them. It's almost as if her moods are beyond her control. I'm still hoping something can be done about it. Coping strategies or therapy or meds! She would be so upset if she thought she was abusive. I'm sure her intentions aren't bad.

Today, nothing was mentioned about last night's meltdown. She woke up and was pleasant all day. She bent my ear about her MIL for a couple of hours and although it stressed me out, I wonder if she a part of her enjoys bitching about her. She thrives off it somehow. It's as if she has no other topics of conversation. I suppose she doesn't. She doesn't have any hobbies.

I tried to reason with her today about MIL. Sometimes, we have to accept things in life. It's her husband's mother. She only has to see her a few days a year. I would say it's verging on paranoia, to be honest. She thinks everything the woman does is done to go against her. Almost like she's being persecuted or something. I explained that she only has a few choices: ignore her, tell her or deal with it. But that going on and on and on (and on) about it isn't actually changing anything. I don't know. All I know is that she's enormously anxious... and she believes what she's saying.

I'm really stuck. I do want to help her.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/11/2021 18:10

@Lostgirl78

I think it's hard for me to accept her as being abusive. I know she adores her children and would do anything for them. It's almost as if her moods are beyond her control. I'm still hoping something can be done about it. Coping strategies or therapy or meds! She would be so upset if she thought she was abusive. I'm sure her intentions aren't bad.

Today, nothing was mentioned about last night's meltdown. She woke up and was pleasant all day. She bent my ear about her MIL for a couple of hours and although it stressed me out, I wonder if she a part of her enjoys bitching about her. She thrives off it somehow. It's as if she has no other topics of conversation. I suppose she doesn't. She doesn't have any hobbies.

I tried to reason with her today about MIL. Sometimes, we have to accept things in life. It's her husband's mother. She only has to see her a few days a year. I would say it's verging on paranoia, to be honest. She thinks everything the woman does is done to go against her. Almost like she's being persecuted or something. I explained that she only has a few choices: ignore her, tell her or deal with it. But that going on and on and on (and on) about it isn't actually changing anything. I don't know. All I know is that she's enormously anxious... and she believes what she's saying.

I'm really stuck. I do want to help her.

Can you suggest she sees the gp to talk things through? Or if they can afford it to seek counselling?
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