Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I should tell her?

55 replies

Lostgirl78 · 02/11/2021 07:04

OK. I don't know the best way to describe what's happening.

My sister is married. They've just bought a lovely big house in an expensive city. They moved in two weeks ago. My DD and I are up to visit for a few days.

My sister has always been moody and difficult. I think she suffers from stress or anxiety or something. I can't put my finger on it.

They have two boys. My sister doesn't work. The kids are at school now. Her husband has an excellent job. My sister hasn't worked for a decade.

She spends all her time cleaning, organising, complaining that nobody else is doing things right, shouting at everyone, getting stressed about mess (but it could just be that someone has left a book out because they're reading it or something), moaning about how much she hates her friends, other family members, neighbours, people in general. She is extraordinarily judgemental and has a weird very high moral code. She won't accept lies of any kind (even little fibs from my 4-year-old kid!). She is very very righteous about everything.

We're not allowed to talk too loud. She suggested my four-year-old was deaf yesterday because of the volume of her voice. She's not. She's just a joyful little girl.

She hates her MIL. The woman is annoying, I'll grant her that, but my sister will analyse EVERY little thing she does and want to talk about it in great detail. Our conversations are only ever bitching about her. Her MIL just gave them a lot of money to help buy this house.

She speaks to her husband like shit. She calls him the C-word in front of the kids. Full-on verbal abuse and he takes it. Sometimes he shouts back, but I think he just thinks it's easier to apologise and agree with her. I had a quiet chat with him last night (because she stormed off to bed without eating dinner with us because even though he's taken two weeks off work to get the house set up, he hasn't done the jobs she wanted doing). He said it's even worse than this when I'm not here.

Anyway, the whole situation is unbelievable and I don't know if I've been able to give a full picture here. I love my sister so much. I want the best for her. But I think she might need help. I don't know if I should suggest it. What can I do? She has moments of "clarity" where she's so kind and funny and my best friend. She's very loyal.

My biggest fear is that I'm a single mum and she's my only relative. If anything were to happen to me, she'd get my DD. Everything looks wonderful on the surface. It's an Instagram-worthy life. But it's so toxic and hostile.

Any suggestions? How can I help her?

OP posts:
larkstar · 02/11/2021 18:11

@Lostgirl78 what do you think is at the root of it - is it a diagnosable medical condition like OCD, anxiety, depression or something to do with her upbringing, early life experience or the situation (relationship, job, etc) she is in now?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 02/11/2021 18:20

What was your childhood like?

HollowTalk · 02/11/2021 18:26

She sounds bored and depressed and takes her low mood out on everyone else. She'd get a bit of a shock if she got a job - someone would pull her up on the way she talked. I feel for her family and frankly dread to think of the sort of MIL she'd make herself.

arcof · 02/11/2021 18:27

She needs therapy and medication. Please encourage this.

Original poster
Lostgirl78 · 02/11/2021 18:27

After a bit of research today, I was thinking OCPD. It seems to describe her very well. But it's a Google diagnosis.

We had a very loving, strong mother who did everything she could to make us happy (and she still does). We were very very hard up as youngsters but quite wealthy as teens. Our father was an argumentative alcoholic. He didn't physically abuse us, but there was often a lot of trouble and upset. All the way through until I was 18. Then my mum chucked him out and we all went no contact and changed our names.
My sister is very nostalgic as well. Christmas has to be perfect. Family traditions and games and food MUST be passed onto our kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostgirl78 · 02/11/2021 18:29

Also, she's very careful about who she acts like this in front of. Only a few people know about it. Family, some close friends, exes.

She can behave in front of her friends, neighbours, other parents.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/11/2021 18:30

@Lostgirl78

Also, she's very careful about who she acts like this in front of. Only a few people know about it. Family, some close friends, exes.

She can behave in front of her friends, neighbours, other parents.

Then her behaviour is mostly a choice.
muddyford · 02/11/2021 18:36

Consider appointing a legal guardian, other than your sister, so that if you died your child would not go to her.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 02/11/2021 18:36

Control freak tendencies can stem from a chaotic childhood. Obviously her behaviour st the moment is completely unacceptable but sounds like she needs some help

Original poster
Lostgirl78 · 02/11/2021 18:45

Yes, I would say our childhood was somewhat chaotic at times, but our mother gave us constant, strong love. I think things were extra bad when my sister was in her young teens. My mum was stressed with family business, grandparents ill, dad really playing up. I have blocked a lot of it. I have a shit memory, but my sister remembers everything.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 02/11/2021 18:48

@Lostgirl78

Also, she's very careful about who she acts like this in front of. Only a few people know about it. Family, some close friends, exes.

She can behave in front of her friends, neighbours, other parents.

Seems like a classic abuser to me, regulating her outbursts to those people she feels can't or won't defend themselves.

As to the MIL issue if she's soooo awful why did your sister accept money for the fancy Instagram worthy house from her? Wasn't so awful that her cash wasn't accepted. Look we can all sit here and Google what mental health issues she has or how awful your childhood was but in the meantime young children are growing up in an abusive home and they should be the priority here, you sister needs to sort herself out but I guess you don't want to confront her and be the target of her abuse. Support her DH in getting those DC away from her into an abuse free home.

TractorAndHeadphones · 02/11/2021 18:51

So glad to see a a fair amount pointing out that she’s an abuser.

If it was a man no talk about going to the GP needing therapy or medication straight up ABUSE, LTB.

You must support her H to LTB. Her.

DrSbaitso · 02/11/2021 18:53

Abusers never think they are abusive.

What do you think your childhood was like for her?

I'm sure you could get something put in place legally to make someone else your child's guardian if anything happened to you.

PaperDreamsHoney · 02/11/2021 18:55

Your sister sounds a lot like a relative of mine - persecution complex, nitpicking ridiculous things, angry outbursts. This relative of mine had serious unresolved trauma. It doesn't excuse absuing other people, but it could explain some of it. You say yourself she likely remembers more than you do.

Could you possibly use it as an opening, maybe talk about seeking some support yourself to process some things that happened and ask her if she'd join you or do similar herself?

Royalbloo · 02/11/2021 19:30

You can't help her unless she decides she needs help. Tolerate or avoid, or say what you think when the events happen?

I tried the last one and she went no contact. Hey Ho....

saleorbouy · 02/11/2021 19:38

She sounds like a highly strung fun sponge that needs to have an introspective look at her relationships with her DC and long suffering DH.
Maybe she should ponder that if she thinks that everyone she knows has flaws then maybe she is the common denominator.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/11/2021 19:39

Honestly, I would support her DH in leaving with the DC. Even if she does need help, that help can come when they are safely away. In fact, it may be the 'wake up call' for her to get the help she needs and if she only has to concentrate on her own self that may be a good thing, too.

You can try to talk to her, but I have a feeling it will fall on deaf ears, or worse, it will result in a massive 'explosion' and a rift that may not be healed for quite some time.

Hopeisallineed · 02/11/2021 19:45

@Lostgirl78 there’s a recent thread on here where the OP’s husband demonstrated similar traits to how you have described your sister behaving. (Using the c word, shouting, losing temper etc) almost without exception, posters agreed he was being abusive. TBH I can’t see much difference between the behaviours. These children shouldn’t be privy to hearing such language, especially not directed at their father, whom I’m sure they love and adore. Sounds heartbreaking, it’s not the way you speak to someone you love.

Sexnotgender · 02/11/2021 19:47

Those poor children. They must be living on their nerves waiting to be screamed at for some perceived misdemeanour.

Your sister is absolutely abusive. She needs help but her DH needs to leave with the children.

paloma2 · 02/11/2021 19:50

Would she see a doctor if you strongly suggested it? She sounds mentally ill.

BurntTheFuckOut · 02/11/2021 19:55

She is being abusive, who calls their partner a cunt in front of their kids whilst screaming and shouting, and that’s probably not even the worst of it.

She isn’t like it around others because she chooses not to be, and to keep the facade up.

Common abusive tactics.

Her moods aren’t in her control? Fgs.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 02/11/2021 20:09

OP, I grew up in a house with a parent like this. Nothing was ever good enough. The house was never tidy enough, we didn't speak well enough, hold our forks correctly, sit up straight, or other perceived flaws that really had nothing to do with us and everything to do with his need for control. He'd shout at my Mum and belittle her. I have very conflicted feelings about it all because my Dad can also be very loving and soft. BUT our house wasn't somewhere me or my brother felt safe. We were constantly waiting for the next outburst. I remember tensing up when I heard his key in the door. Both of us have grown up very anxious people and it has not been good for our mental health. Please do something to help your nieces and nephews.

DroopyClematis · 02/11/2021 20:09

I'm with PPs, , if she can control it , depending on the situation, then her behaviour is controlling and , therefore, abusive.
Her children should not be exposed to this behaviour and is a serious safeguarding issue.

She needs to know this. Her children's school need to know this too.

I'm so very sorry to hear that you're in this situation, more so her children and partner.
How awful.

chlorineirene · 02/11/2021 20:24

She sounds bored, frustrated, unfulfilled and depressed

She needs a career or hobby or something to fill up her mind

3scape · 02/11/2021 20:31

There are so many behaviours you describe that emphasise this is her choice. She chooses to "behave" to an audience, everything is perfect and enviable to the outside world, then she's really a controlling abusive utter witch about everything. The DH and kids will be better off without her.