AIBU to think I should tell her?

[Lostgirl78]

OK. I don't know the best way to describe what's happening.

My sister is married. They've just bought a lovely big house in an expensive city. They moved in two weeks ago. My DD and I are up to visit for a few days.

My sister has always been moody and difficult. I think she suffers from stress or anxiety or something. I can't put my finger on it.

They have two boys. My sister doesn't work. The kids are at school now. Her husband has an excellent job. My sister hasn't worked for a decade.

She spends all her time cleaning, organising, complaining that nobody else is doing things right, shouting at everyone, getting stressed about mess (but it could just be that someone has left a book out because they're reading it or something), moaning about how much she hates her friends, other family members, neighbours, people in general. She is extraordinarily judgemental and has a weird very high moral code. She won't accept lies of any kind (even little fibs from my 4-year-old kid!). She is very very righteous about everything.

We're not allowed to talk too loud. She suggested my four-year-old was deaf yesterday because of the volume of her voice. She's not. She's just a joyful little girl.

She hates her MIL. The woman is annoying, I'll grant her that, but my sister will analyse EVERY little thing she does and want to talk about it in great detail. Our conversations are only ever bitching about her. Her MIL just gave them a lot of money to help buy this house.

She speaks to her husband like shit. She calls him the C-word in front of the kids. Full-on verbal abuse and he takes it. Sometimes he shouts back, but I think he just thinks it's easier to apologise and agree with her. I had a quiet chat with him last night (because she stormed off to bed without eating dinner with us because even though he's taken two weeks off work to get the house set up, he hasn't done the jobs she wanted doing). He said it's even worse than this when I'm not here.

Anyway, the whole situation is unbelievable and I don't know if I've been able to give a full picture here. I love my sister so much. I want the best for her. But I think she might need help. I don't know if I should suggest it. What can I do? She has moments of "clarity" where she's so kind and funny and my best friend. She's very loyal.

My biggest fear is that I'm a single mum and she's my only relative. If anything were to happen to me, she'd get my DD. Everything looks wonderful on the surface. It's an Instagram-worthy life. But it's so toxic and hostile.

Any suggestions? How can I help her?

She's an abuser. You need to try to protect her kids by supporting her DH to leave her.

You say she adores the kids. What about DH? Does she love him....sounds like she is trying to drive him away?

@fantasmasgoria1

I have eupd and I in no way behave like this. I wiah people would not always suggest a personality disorder every time a person behaves badly.

Same

This sounds like quite extreme anxiety and she’s obviously very unhappy, and unfortunately as said she is also abusive. The behaviours could be linked but it’s not an excuse. Her children could end up developing anxiety as well. I think you need to raise it with her but from experience of someone quite similar, she could well fly off the handle and become incredibly angry and defensive so you need to be prepared for that.

From experience, I don’t think you should speak to her. I don’t think you can without it rebounding on you and potentially endangering the kids. My mum was very much like her and she had us very well-trained to protect her. She was emotionally and psychologically abusive, and at times extremely physically abusive. She had labile moods, obsessive behaviours, fixations on various things like remodeling the house, throwing out all her clothes and getting new ones, giving away our belongings because they didn’t suit her aesthetics, social climbing, etc. She had no genuine identity of her own. The moment anyone got a whiff that things were anything other than Disney Movie perfect, those people were removed from our life. (I had ten broken arms by the time I was nine and she had people believing I had brain damage to explain that one.) In the interests of the kids safety, I firmly believe that you need to go over her head to the school, to her GP, to Social Services, etc… (Not with the intention of having the kids removed, but with the intention of having the right help forced upon her.) The problem with people like your sister is that EVERYONE is in such a heightened state of fear that nobody takes action, and this works for her. Her DH will be playing two roles. He will be both a helplessly resentful, powerless enabler and when called upon to stand up and be accountable, it will be apparent that he is a sneaky puppeteer that is actually hiding behind her and also has a sick pathology of his own. (Bet he married a clone of his mum…) Regardless, DS is using the MIL as a focus/excuse, but she is angry and obsessed with everything and everyone - because she is actually powerless and terrified (like a quivering, snarling little dog that is likely to try and rip your face off if you try and console it).