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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD & DM bond - please help me navigate this

64 replies

ImNotCalledBen · 02/11/2021 01:44

Hi everyone, I’m desperate for advice so if you manage to get to the end, I’ll be very grateful.

DD is 2 and we will be visiting my parents soon for a fortnight. They live some distance away and there are other factors meaning we don’t see each other often but when we do, it’s always for a longish time. (about 2 weeks on average, let’s say every 4 months or so, give or take).

DD has always had a very strong bond with DM, right from birth. There were times it was only her who could soothe DD when she was tiny. From about 6/7m old, she’s been showing signs of preference for DM when she was around, which was reassuring given the long stretches we go without seeing each other. But I’ve always had a niggling feeling. And that’s where the issue lies. I really don’t know if this is me being jealous, selfish or just damn right unreasonable and stupid! Feel free to tell me if so.

We have a very ordinary day to day life just me, DD and DH. Ordinary routine, no major issues with sleep or food, we both work, DD goes to nursery part time etc. But when we visit my parents or them us, DD is a different child. We have been cosleeping from birth and she will scream the house down to sleep with Nana. She won’t let me make her food, bathe her, dress her, she doesn’t run to me when she is hurt and doesn’t seem to need my presence whatsoever. I am her primary caregiver as DH works long hours and there doesn’t seem to be any change to her behaviour towards him during this time.

I’m dreading this upcoming trip as she is verbal now, she’s been asking for Nana and last time we saw them over the summer (she was 1.5) it was very difficult (for me). I tried to persevere with her bedtime routine (the main sticking point) but I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I’m so so torn! On one hand I feel like there’s no harm in her wanting to sleep with Nana, DM is brilliant with her and I trust her 100%. On the other hand I get so frustrated and I just want to be able to put her to bed like any other times.

I know DM does feed into this to some extent as she absolutely dotes on DD and will also come in to our room in the middle of the night when DD is crying for her saying she can’t bear to hear her cry and to take over, or she’ll drop what she is doing to give her lunch and change the nappy if that’s what DD wants. And if I say no, don't, I just feel mean and feel like I'm making DD cry for no good reason and I feel selfish for trying to assert myself.

Ugghh, I don’t know. Can someone please help me? I really need someone to come along and tell me how not to feel so rubbish about this and to give me a virtual slap & shake as I feel IABU in the way I feel.

Also, what am I going to do on the next trip? Honestly, how would you handle this? Am I going to just play along and let them do what they want or shall I try and “force” myself onto DD? But that’s really selfish, isn’t it? I mean I know these are only holidays, it’s not like this is an every day thing so do I just let this go? Also, why can’t I just chill about this? DH thinks I should be grateful for the break but to me it feels a bit more than that...

Thanks if you managed to get to the end!

OP posts:

RavingAnnie · 02/11/2021 01:52

I think it's lovely that your daughter has such a great bond with her grandma. That's something to be nurtured. It so in DS like you just go for holidays and you don't see your DM all the time which is probably why your daughter is excited and wanting to see her and be with her. I'd let it happen personally and enjoy the break! Let your mum take over for the time you are there. Your mum and DD will love it and firm a great bond and everything will go back to normal when you are back at home.

Josette77 · 02/11/2021 01:54

I would just relax and let your mum handle her since they adore each other. Enjoy the space and downtime.

Aorh · 02/11/2021 01:57

I totally get why it makes you feel bad, what do you mean by “it feels a bit more than that?”

Personally, I’m of the opinion you should generally avoid standoffs with a toddler unless it’s necessary. She’ll get upset, you’ll all get upset when you have a completely viable alternative At some point, this will change on its own.

It might hurt, but try to embraces the break if you can. Your mum sounds lovely, and although it’s ultimately your call, if I were your mum, I would really struggle to hear her crying for me and not come.

Doona · 02/11/2021 01:59

Tbh it sounds wonderful! Let your mother do everything and take a breather for a while.

urbanbuddha · 02/11/2021 02:06

Your DM is on the wrong team. She needs to have your back sometimes. "Mummy says it's time for bed now. Shall I read you a story?"
It's great that she has a close relationship with your DD but her role isn't to replace you but to support you. She needs to step back a bit.

Original poster

ImNotCalledBen · 02/11/2021 02:15

@urbanbuddha

Your DM is on the wrong team. She needs to have your back sometimes. "Mummy says it's time for bed now. Shall I read you a story?" It's great that she has a close relationship with your DD but her role isn't to replace you but to support you. She needs to step back a bit.

This is that niggling feeling exactly. I just feel like a spare wheel when we are together and as you say, replaced. But then I remind myself that it's only for the 10 days or so, it's not every day. They live on a different continent. Or does that not matter? See, I did say I was really torn on this...

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/11/2021 02:16

Can you change your mindset around to see it as a positive? (genuine question.)

You get some time off to chill and your DD and DM get to enjoy time together?

If you don't want them to have a close relationship then don't visit.

milissa · 02/11/2021 02:18

Your DM needs to step back. Coming in when she hears her cry at night and you're with her? No...she's with mummy/daddy and your DM appearing is undermining your role as her parent. Things like that need to stop.

Otherwise if you're happy to I would let your DM lead on some stuff if it works, but not to have her intervene when you have it covered. Toddlers kick off, it's in their nature, but they can't always have what they want. It will be more painful to start with until your DD learns that but she is capable of learning that.

Original poster

ImNotCalledBen · 02/11/2021 02:21

@Aorh

I totally get why it makes you feel bad, what do you mean by “it feels a bit more than that?”

I mean it feels more as in it feels more serious to me than just "enjoying the break" as DH puts it. I struggled with PND and it took me time to bond with DD and I think it all comes down to that, isn't it? Feeling like I wasn't there for her emotionally at the very beginning and now she prefers someone else over me. So this is my issue really, I can't "punish" them for it...

And also a factor too that DM tries to compensate the lack of time they spend together by literally being at DDs back and call all day. But as you say, there really is no point in arguing with a toddler over who will dress her or give her a bath!!

OP posts:

Original poster

ImNotCalledBen · 02/11/2021 02:30

@milissa

This is a really good, balanced view, thank you! I'm absolutely happy for her to lead on stuff - I hate cooking for example and DM loves it, she also has the patience for DD to potter around and pretend help her with ingredients. Nappy changes, yeah, go right ahead! But as you say, appearing when I'm trying to deal with an issue and trying to take over (whether with good intentions or not) is really difficult and I end up retreating just to avoid any more drama but it does make me feel rubbish.

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 02/11/2021 03:03

Yeap, just be glad that your dd has another person in this world that loves her and she feels safe with.

My dd was very clingy and, being a single mother, I was terrified of dying as I did not know how she would have coped.

Doona · 02/11/2021 03:04

The way she's forming relationships with other people shows how well you're raising her. She feels secure and affectionate, and that's perfect. She expresses what she wants, a bit forcefully because she's young, but that's fantastic too. You should feel proud, you're obviously doing great with her.

Doona · 02/11/2021 03:13

Coyoacan, same! I had fantasies of a kindly grandma when my babies were small and they wouldn't be left. Maybe it's not as great as my imagination made it though.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 02/11/2021 03:13

Novelty is a big factor with toddlers.
Your just boring old mum who she doesn’t even need to worry about not being there when she needs you.
Because she know down to her bones that you will be. Your her safe ever present person who she has a secure attachment to.

So you don’t get the fuss and hoopla of the novelty that is nana who is overcompensating for their time apart by letting her do whatever she likes.

SausageSizzle · 02/11/2021 03:46

Honestly, the way I would deal with this is by sleeping in, enjoying a drink in front of the TV over bedtime while someone else deals and taking a good book. If your DM doesn't mind, I would literally pretend I had a full-time nanny and enjoy the fantasy .

I don't want to discount your concerns but it's highly unlikely that your DD is connecting back to you having PND and 'punishing' you for it. Many young children go though a stage of rejecting one of other parent and it has nothing to do with how secure their bond is. They're learning that they can have and express a preference and trying this out on those around them.

workwoes123 · 02/11/2021 05:45

Hi OP

I had almost exactly your situation - doted on first grandchild, grand parents living in another country so we only saw them for 10-14 day holidays 2/3 times a year, together 24/7 throughout that time. My mum and my DS absolutely doted on each other and she was basically his slave 😂. She was definitely making up for lost time by cramming all the spoiling in.

Honestly ? I was absolutely delighted to let her do bed, baths, playtime, story time - you name it! It was the closest DH and I got to a holiday in the early days as I was a SAHM and he was working ft.

I think you are correct in identifying the source of your anxiety as guilt or a hangover from your PND. But I’m equally certain that your daughter is just loving the novelty of having granny at her beck and call. Children need lots of different positive relationships in their lives, and this is definitely one to nurture. It does grate sometimes, when you’re wrestling with a grumpy toddler and granny swoops in to save the day! I chose to interpret as my mum supporting me - not as a competition: it takes a village.

Pancakeorcrepe · 02/11/2021 05:48

Being a bit spoilt by grandma is one of the great joys in life, and a privilege not afforded to all.
I get that it’s hard for you but it is so lovely for your daughter that she has someone like that in her life.
Choose your battles, I would leave this one be and focus on the positive side of it. Not that you aren’t right, maybe some small adaptations could be attempted such as grandma not coming in during the night.

SlugRose · 02/11/2021 05:52

The way I think of it is that you are her constant. She takes you for granted and that is how it should be to be honest, she knows you are always there so is enjoying the novelty of grandma.

That's how I cope with it anyway! I totally get it though x

Blondebakingmumma · 02/11/2021 05:53

Can you change the situation by letting her stay with grandma for 2 days while you and hubby stay elsewhere (think romantic getaway).
That way it’s not a competition between the two of you together. Have a lovely meal with your family when you arrive and pick up, or go out for a meal so you are still spending time with your parents.

Wagglerock · 02/11/2021 06:12

Does your DM want to come and form a strong bond with my two?! I'd absolutely embrace it, I'd be out every night! They've got a good bond, your mum is ok with it, you trust her, just let her crack on. It's the novelty of having a person willing to do their bidding I think.

We see both sets of GP weekly and my FIL doesn't even get to sit down before DS has whisked him off to play some game. They're as thick as thieves and it's lovely to see.

Iwab82 · 02/11/2021 06:18

I think it's lovely that your child has such a great relationship with your mum. You might feel better if you actively encourage it rather than fighting it. Your mum lives in a different continent, make the most of it when you see her.

Iwonder08 · 02/11/2021 06:28

OP, I would take a different way given it is a rare occasion. Give yourself a break and outsource 100% of childcare to your mum for these 10 days/year. Let her sleep with jana, let nana do early waking, lunches, bath etc. You enjoy late lie in, have a lazy cup of coffee, go out for dinner. Have a holiday.
10 days with a different routine won't do any damage

shylatte · 02/11/2021 06:43

Honestly OP you are so lucky you have someone who is so invested in your dd and who she loves so much in return. Personally I would treat this time for you as a holiday. My SIL is originally from a culture where the daughter returns home to her family (with her dc) and the GPS do everything. This happens once or twice a year and SIL always looks forward to it. The dc have a very close bond to the GPS. I'm very jealous.

Cofifeefee · 02/11/2021 06:46

I think you should embrace it. She's her grandmother, why wouldn't you want your daughter to have a lovely relationship with her.

I completely disagree with the PP that says your mum has to step back. She sees her so rarely, it's not like she's interfering in parenting decisions on a daily basis. It's a holiday, sleeping with GM is a treat, let her have it.

Yusanaim · 02/11/2021 06:50

I'm a DGM - sleep with 2 year old? - it's hard getting babies into a routine of bed time /sleep - I would try hard to not over-rule DM.
Is DGM always as unaware of your feelings or wishes?

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