DD & DM bond - please help me navigate this

[ImNotCalledBen]

Hi everyone, I’m desperate for advice so if you manage to get to the end, I’ll be very grateful.

DD is 2 and we will be visiting my parents soon for a fortnight. They live some distance away and there are other factors meaning we don’t see each other often but when we do, it’s always for a longish time. (about 2 weeks on average, let’s say every 4 months or so, give or take).

DD has always had a very strong bond with DM, right from birth. There were times it was only her who could soothe DD when she was tiny. From about 6/7m old, she’s been showing signs of preference for DM when she was around, which was reassuring given the long stretches we go without seeing each other. But I’ve always had a niggling feeling. And that’s where the issue lies. I really don’t know if this is me being jealous, selfish or just damn right unreasonable and stupid! Feel free to tell me if so.

We have a very ordinary day to day life just me, DD and DH. Ordinary routine, no major issues with sleep or food, we both work, DD goes to nursery part time etc. But when we visit my parents or them us, DD is a different child. We have been cosleeping from birth and she will scream the house down to sleep with Nana. She won’t let me make her food, bathe her, dress her, she doesn’t run to me when she is hurt and doesn’t seem to need my presence whatsoever. I am her primary caregiver as DH works long hours and there doesn’t seem to be any change to her behaviour towards him during this time.

I’m dreading this upcoming trip as she is verbal now, she’s been asking for Nana and last time we saw them over the summer (she was 1.5) it was very difficult (for me). I tried to persevere with her bedtime routine (the main sticking point) but I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I’m so so torn! On one hand I feel like there’s no harm in her wanting to sleep with Nana, DM is brilliant with her and I trust her 100%. On the other hand I get so frustrated and I just want to be able to put her to bed like any other times.

I know DM does feed into this to some extent as she absolutely dotes on DD and will also come in to our room in the middle of the night when DD is crying for her saying she can’t bear to hear her cry and to take over, or she’ll drop what she is doing to give her lunch and change the nappy if that’s what DD wants. And if I say no, don't, I just feel mean and feel like I'm making DD cry for no good reason and I feel selfish for trying to assert myself.

Ugghh, I don’t know. Can someone please help me? I really need someone to come along and tell me how not to feel so rubbish about this and to give me a virtual slap & shake as I feel IABU in the way I feel.

Also, what am I going to do on the next trip? Honestly, how would you handle this? Am I going to just play along and let them do what they want or shall I try and “force” myself onto DD? But that’s really selfish, isn’t it? I mean I know these are only holidays, it’s not like this is an every day thing so do I just let this go? Also, why can’t I just chill about this? DH thinks I should be grateful for the break but to me it feels a bit more than that...

Thanks if you managed to get to the end!

Your DM comes into your room in the night to take over??!!
Blurred boundaries.

I could have written this post 16 years ago! MIL loved both of my children deeply. DS2 shared such a close bond, if she stayed over he would always get in her bed at some point during the night. Later on he would stay with nanny in school holidays, Cried when she went home etc. They were so, so close and both absolutely adored each other. It didn’t worry me, to be honest. Once DS2 became a teen he became closer to me & DH. Sadly, MIL has passed away, and we all miss her greatly, so I am pleased they spent those precious, early years with as much time together as possible. You are still mum, try not to let it worry you and enjoy the break.

My DD (now 4) has a strong bond with my DM.

I'm a single parent so I view it as an opportunity for me to have a break when we're with them. From day 1, I've encouraged DM do key bits of DD's routine like bath, bedtime story, mealtimes etc.

Sometimes I'll say 'I'd like to do bedtime tonight' and DM will step back willingly.

I suppose this is the thing - if you were to say to your DM that you want to do bathtime this evening (after a run of her doing it), will she respect that? If yes, I don't think there's an issue.

It's the novelty for both of them. Your daughter doesn't prefer your mum to you, your mum doesn't think she's a better mum than you.

Maybe if you let her do your mums head in a bit your mum would back off? "Yeah sure nana can make your lunch, I'm going for a nap mum." Over and over till your mum actually feels a bit like "go ask your mum." But like someone else said. Your mum should not interfere when you're with her. Maybe just "it's fine mum, go back to bed, we've got it, you're not helping."

Don't let it get to you, it's not a dig at you. They just love eachother and that is great and shows that you're doing a great job.

All is fine. But I can imagine it would be upsetting. But this will change over time probably. But your dd sleeping with your mil? No. That's a no for me

I would have a few rules and then let everything else slide. For example my kids (5 and 9) can’t talk over their grandparents because that does my nut!
I stopped them having their food cut up. My daughter would ask for her food to be cut up and as a grandparent reached for her plate I would say ‘no you have to try yourself first’.
A few times it felt a bit harsh to stop grandparent in their tracks but they understood why I was doing it.

It’s finding a line between learning bad habits and being a bit spoilt!

@urbanbuddha

Your DM is on the wrong team. She needs to have your back sometimes. "Mummy says it's time for bed now. Shall I read you a story?" It's great that she has a close relationship with your DD but her role isn't to replace you but to support you. She needs to step back a bit.

I agree with this. My DD and DM had a similar bond but she lives much closer so it was a constant issue. It was the frustration more than anything for me. Not a massive issue when they are small but the teenage years were the worst as DD just had to pick up her phone for Dm to come running and undermine me. Personally it has caused real problems and I don’t see my mum as much as I should

Do they live somewhere nice? I think you should grit your teeth, hand DD over and swan off to a spa/resort hotel with DH for a few days...

I had this with my MIL when my kids were little. I hated it and it made me cry several times. However, now I look back and I should have appreciated it. My children know who their mother is, they love me and I am secure in that fact. It is hard when they are little though, I do empathise.

Personally I would let your DD have time with your mum. Let her take over a put your feet up. They don't see each other often. Saying that, if you want her to go to bed or any other firm boundaries, tell your mum upfront.

I had a similar issue when DS was that age. He always preferred Gran - she was fun, had time to play, was more lax with rules etc . It used to drive me mad but mostly I gritted my teeth and said nothing.
Now DS is 16 and Gran is just a boring old woman who he has to be nagged to spend time with. It breaks my heart that my beloved mum who was adored so much, is now sidelined in favour of Xbox and mates.

I think that grandparents know that this is what generally happens, and that adoring little kids don’t stay adoring for ever, so they want to make the most of it.
I’d try to enjoy it and make the most of a break.

To be honest I think you need to ask one question alone.

Is your daughter safe and happy when you visit your DM?

If so, I wouldn’t be looking to impose changes.

I remember my DS in particular being like this with my mum when he was tiny. I never, ever tried to step in between their bond because I could see how happy it made him.

He grew up, and that bond remained. When my DM was elderly he used to visit her and sit holding her hand. Now it is me with his DC and he is happy for me to have a really strong bond with his children (obviously with DDIL’s blessing too) because he remembers how much it meant to him.

Your DD is lucky to have a DGM who loves her so much, and whom she loves. Don’t try and damage the relationship just because you’re jealous.

Let them spend as much time together as they want to, and enjoy watching their relationship. Enjoy the break, and relax.

Your DD is clearly secure in her relationship with you, and is just enjoying spending time with someone else that she loves and doesn’t see often.

Coming in when she was crying might seem a bit overstepping, but it’s so ridiculous to be sitting there making a toddler cry because you won’t let her spend time with her granny. It’s a pointless tantrum to make her have

Apart from coming into the bedroom in the middle of the night, which I'd put a stop to for privacy reasons, I'd let them crack on with it. My DD has a strong bond with my DM and has done since birth and now that my DD is almost a teenager it's wonderful to see how close they still are. My DD goes to stay and they go out shopping together and spend the entire time nattering and it doesn't bother me in the slightest, I'm just pleased my DD feels able to share stuff with my DM that she might feel weird talking to me about. Kids need relationships with adults they can trust that aren't their parents.

It doesn't sound like your DD and DM get to see each other that often so I would let them enjoy the time they have together.

@milissa

Your DM needs to step back. Coming in when she hears her cry at night and you're with her? No...she's with mummy/daddy and your DM appearing is undermining your role as her parent. Things like that need to stop.

Otherwise if you're happy to I would let your DM lead on some stuff if it works, but not to have her intervene when you have it covered. Toddlers kick off, it's in their nature, but they can't always have what they want. It will be more painful to start with until your DD learns that but she is capable of learning that.

You need to have a chat with your mother before you make your trip to see her and stay with her and explain that you're not looking for issues or trouble but unless she lets you deal with the night time stuff neither you nor your DD will ever manage when she isn't there. She needs to understand that. Perhaps invent a 'friend' who has some issues with her inlaws where the inlaws come in and take over and your friend is getting distressed by this happening and ask your mum what she might do in that situation or what she would advise in that situation. Then if she pulls the same stunt on you, you have her advice and you repeat it back to her.

My DM has an amazing bond with my DD. Sleepovers and treats and everything. I just go with it, it’s a real privilege to have another family member keen and available to help raise my child. To me it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t follow the same parenting style as me, it’s good to have outside input and a different view of how to look after a young child. It takes a village and all…

I’d be like great and enjoy the peace it’s only for a short period of time, it’s probably because nana is a novelty if she lived near you it wouldn’t be so intense. Try not to compete you’re her mum and always will be, enjoy some time off!

This happens to me too. Both my children prefer my mum to me. My eldest is 6 now and its much more manageable, she will just ask for a bedtime story from her but is happy for me to do all the other normal stuff. In my opinion its normal for young kids to act like this, it doesn't mean they don't love you they just want someone else to do that specific thing for them in that moment.

@urbanbuddha

Your DM is on the wrong team. She needs to have your back sometimes. "Mummy says it's time for bed now. Shall I read you a story?" It's great that she has a close relationship with your DD but her role isn't to replace you but to support you. She needs to step back a bit.

This is absolutely spot on.

I understand your niggling feeling op. You sound lovely and it is great your dd and dm have such a great bond, but your dm should take a step back sometimes and be respectful of your relationship too.

I guess it depends on the intentions of your dm. Is she doing this kindly to give you a break, or is there a bit of selfishness in there too?
Is she genuinely caught up in this lovely new relationship and has forgotten she is meant to be your supporter, or is she in competition with you or is trying to show you who is boss to undermine you a little? Only you know the answer to these qs!

Would she be open to a discussion about bed time or not? Could you ring your dm well in advance of your next visit and say that you need her support, as your dd is in a good routine at home, and it was stressful for your last time?

I would encourage you to have confidence in yourself and in your own parenting op. You sound incredibly thoughtful and well balanced and I would say that if your judgement is that something needs to change around bed time routines when visiting your dm, then you run with that and make it happen. Good luck!

Children are fickle creatures! Your mum will be a novelty for your dd. What's more, your mum doesn't have the daily grind that is juggling work and raising a tiny child so she can be give your dd her full attention and completely dote on her - it's little wonder your dd enjoys that! Your dd doesn't really prefer your DM to you. Trust me, you're irreplaceable to her and she obviously feels so secure in your love that she can happily go off with your mum when she gets the opportunity. My first was like this with my mil. It made me feel quite insecure and hurt and I struggled! As he got older though, he grew out of it and now he loves his grandma lots, happily goes to her etc... but it's not as intense as it was and he definitely gravitates more towards me.

As hard as it is, given you 100% trust your mum and says she's great with your dd. I'd use the trip as an opportunity for you to relax and spectate as your mum does all the hard graft of getting down on the floor and playing with your dd and running around after her. Your dd absolutely does not actually love or prefer your mum (despite what it may look like or what she even says!), she just enjoys the attention and novelty of her grandma. Don't doubt your relationship with her. Also, don't run after her at all - honestly kids can smell neediness I swear! In fact when you tend to step back, that's when they start coming after you! So just step back, try and relax and don't forget to enjoy your time with your Dm too! You don't get to see her loads and she's your mum, so enjoy her!

It’s great to keep close to parents etc, but two weeks every four months (or 6 weeks a year) under the same roof, is very intensive. It’s quite a lot. Of course if it’s working for you then great, many extended families live under the same roof 365 days a year. But if on the other hand it’s causing friction, it’s quite a lot.

It's not a competition but you seem to see it as one which is really sad.

As someone who has recently lost her own mum, suddenly and unexpectedly, I think you will regret not seeing the positives to such a beautiful relationship between your mum and your daughter.

You should really try and appreciate how lucky you are.

and will also come in to our room in the middle of the night when DD is crying for her saying she can’t bear to hear

I think that’s a bit OTT and a sign that a bit more balance is needed in your mothers approach.

I am the DGM and my dgs is my most favourite person in the world, I'm not a pushover with him (mostly ) but he loves me back and we have have a great bond - my thoughts are that your little girl is so secure and happy that she can take for granted that mummy will always be there. She only gets to see nana occasionally so makes the most of the adoration that she gets there.

Try and take is as a positive, you never know what can happen in life, at the very least you know if you and DH had some sort of crisis you could ship DD off to nana and know she will be happy and loved if she had to stay for a little while! My DD and her DH knew that when they both had flu that DGS was having the time of his life with us while they lay in bed unable to care for him!

I can tell you OP, NO ONE after you and DH will ever love your child as much as their Grandparents, its unconditional, unbreakable and very deep, I would do anything to keep my DGS safe and loved when he is in my care.

btw, I am under no illusion that one day he will be saying 'oh mum, do I have to go to nanas?, shes smelly and old and wants to kiss me all the time and I'm 15 and want to see my mates'

I cannot see any major problem here; on the contrary how wonderful that your child feels confident enough to make close relationships with others - it is a nark of how secure you have made her feel.

I would have a word about the coming in in the middle of the night - just say that you are happy to deal with her in the night and would rather she did not come in then.

There is something special about the relationship that grandparents can have with their GC. I am a grandma, and those of my GC who I looked after the most have a special relationship with me - there are things/rituals that happen at Grandma's that do not happen anywhere else. We have a great time together because there is a degree of novelty in it - I am sure that if I were their constant carer they would soon get very bored with me!!

But I do make sure that everything is done to Mum's rules as far as is humanly possible. "you will need to ask Mum/Dad about that" - "do Mum and Dad let you watch XYZ?" etc.

Lie back and enjoy it I would say. Treasure watching your DD and your mum take delight in each other's company - she will remember this with affection when she is grown up.