DD & DM bond - please help me navigate this

[ImNotCalledBen]

Hi everyone, I’m desperate for advice so if you manage to get to the end, I’ll be very grateful.

DD is 2 and we will be visiting my parents soon for a fortnight. They live some distance away and there are other factors meaning we don’t see each other often but when we do, it’s always for a longish time. (about 2 weeks on average, let’s say every 4 months or so, give or take).

DD has always had a very strong bond with DM, right from birth. There were times it was only her who could soothe DD when she was tiny. From about 6/7m old, she’s been showing signs of preference for DM when she was around, which was reassuring given the long stretches we go without seeing each other. But I’ve always had a niggling feeling. And that’s where the issue lies. I really don’t know if this is me being jealous, selfish or just damn right unreasonable and stupid! Feel free to tell me if so.

We have a very ordinary day to day life just me, DD and DH. Ordinary routine, no major issues with sleep or food, we both work, DD goes to nursery part time etc. But when we visit my parents or them us, DD is a different child. We have been cosleeping from birth and she will scream the house down to sleep with Nana. She won’t let me make her food, bathe her, dress her, she doesn’t run to me when she is hurt and doesn’t seem to need my presence whatsoever. I am her primary caregiver as DH works long hours and there doesn’t seem to be any change to her behaviour towards him during this time.

I’m dreading this upcoming trip as she is verbal now, she’s been asking for Nana and last time we saw them over the summer (she was 1.5) it was very difficult (for me). I tried to persevere with her bedtime routine (the main sticking point) but I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I’m so so torn! On one hand I feel like there’s no harm in her wanting to sleep with Nana, DM is brilliant with her and I trust her 100%. On the other hand I get so frustrated and I just want to be able to put her to bed like any other times.

I know DM does feed into this to some extent as she absolutely dotes on DD and will also come in to our room in the middle of the night when DD is crying for her saying she can’t bear to hear her cry and to take over, or she’ll drop what she is doing to give her lunch and change the nappy if that’s what DD wants. And if I say no, don't, I just feel mean and feel like I'm making DD cry for no good reason and I feel selfish for trying to assert myself.

Ugghh, I don’t know. Can someone please help me? I really need someone to come along and tell me how not to feel so rubbish about this and to give me a virtual slap & shake as I feel IABU in the way I feel.

Also, what am I going to do on the next trip? Honestly, how would you handle this? Am I going to just play along and let them do what they want or shall I try and “force” myself onto DD? But that’s really selfish, isn’t it? I mean I know these are only holidays, it’s not like this is an every day thing so do I just let this go? Also, why can’t I just chill about this? DH thinks I should be grateful for the break but to me it feels a bit more than that...

Thanks if you managed to get to the end!

Thanks everyone so much for your comments! I'm reading every single one of them and honestly, you have no idea how much it helps to talk about this. I'm still catching up on comments from today, but thank you!!

I know to some of you this may not seem like a huge issue and truly, we are very lucky to have DM as she would do anything for us, I guess it's just one of those feelings I never thought I'd have, like PND and the early struggles. I certainly need to try harder to see it from a different perspective (taking a DH approach) and accept that my feelings mainly come from my own insecurities and perhaps lack of confidence when I'm around my Mum.

Some of you are right though regarding the blurred boundaries as DM does tend to take over but it's always in response to DD being near inconsolable and not just an "I know better" situation. So for example, think bath / bed time. It's not as simple as DM telling DD "Mummy is going to put you to bed and I'll see you in the morning" DM would do that, no problem. It's literally DD being inconsolable if DM doesn't. And if Nana isn't next to her during the night when she wakes, there's no way of me putting her back to sleep and it's tricky as we bedshare. And when I said to DM to leave the room and not to interfere, I ended up wondering how long am I going to let DD cry for before enough is enough and if indeed this is a battle I should fight or not.
But oddly, it's definitely more the evening and night time though, it doesn't bother me if they go out for the day or if they spend time together playing, I'm not in the slightest against that. But then the evening comes and it's almost like I have this need to "resume" my Mummy duties and I can't seem to handle it when DD won't let me. I don’t know if that makes sense at all?
Thanks again everyone for letting me talk about this. I really don't want to sound ungrateful and I know not everyone has grandparents around and I should count ourselves lucky that we manage to nurture this bond despite the distance and the infrequent meet ups. We’d certainly have a problem if they lived around the corner and this was a daily thing!

mark - not nark!

We see my parents once a month or so and my 5 year old DD adores my mum and wont let me or her dad do anything for her when my mum is there. She sleeps in nanny's bed, nanny has to strap her into the car, take her to the toilet if we're out, everything. It's been that way since she was a baby. My DS was the same but now he's older he's eased up a bit.

I just enjoy the break! But to be fair I've never felt that my mum has undermined me whereas yours perhaps oversteps the mark a little. I think it's worth a chat with her to establish some boundaries but otherwise try and make the most of it.

Re. coming into your room in the night. Despite what I said above, this does cross a line for me too. My mum never did this - though I'm sure she wanted to at times as DS1 was a terrible sleeper. It's one of the downsides of staying with family - it really puts you in the spotlight as a parent 24/7 so I sympathise. We started off spending at least 6 weeks of the year with my parents (they have a holiday place in the country where we live), but it has reduced over the years. DSs are 13 and 10 now, while they still love their grandparents to bits the relationship is a lot less intense.

Can you tell your mum that you would prefer that she doesn't do this? That she can help out as much as she wants during the day (and you appreciate it) but nighttimes are for you to sort out?

I think you need to meet somewhere in the middle. Try and put aside your early PND issues as that will be clouding the issue.
Change your mindset and be glad DAd has a positive bond with DM, it’s good for children to have other strong relationships and grandparent relationships are especially important to a child, somewhere where they can feel spoilt and indulged. Enjoy the break, let DD sleep with DM, have lie ins, read books, newspapers over coffee with DH.

That said, also speak to your DM and explain that whilst you are very pleased that they have such a strong bond, now she is in the terrible two’s phase you would like her to back you up if you are trying to exert influence over something BUT for this to work you must make sure you are acting for the best intentions for DD, ie) no you can’t have anymore sweets and DM must back you and not secretly be giving DD something behind your back, HOWEVER, if you are keeping DD in your room over night and she is crying to be with DM and you are stopping this for what reason? Then I can sort of understand DM overstepping boundaries and com8ng in. DM needs to also believe you are always acting with the best intentions for this to work. Otherwise .I fear DM will keep overstepping boundaries, DD will see you as trying to come between her and DM and things will become more strained.
Just remember it is only for 2 weeks and then life will return to normal again.

It is funny but sometimes babies and children do seem to have a deep connection with a member of the family - I don’t know if it’s smells or body language but my sister has this connection with my niece. It’s lovely from the outside but I imagine can be a bit disconcerting from a mother’s perspective. It may also be exacerbated in your case due to traditional family hierarchies. I would pick your battles e.g. bedtime. While that may come from a place of you wanting to be the comforter to your DD, it is also an important routine and helps provide structure. I don’t know if she understands bargaining yet but that may also be helpful.

Almost all kids prefer their grandparents to their parents. It's a novelty when they see them, they get to do fun stuff all the time with them, and they know they can get away with far more than them.

It doesn't mean you're a bad parent, but you're the one that's always there, so no, you're not as fun. And that's not a bad thing.

I understand that it's difficult, but try to enjoy it, it's time you can spend relaxing, getting a good nights sleep, safe in the knowledge that your daughter is safe with someone you trust.

In ten years or so, getting your kids to happily visit their grandparents is going to be so much more difficult. "God, it's sooooooooo boring there"

Alternatively, my daughter had lost both of her grandmothers by the time she was 11. I'm so glad my daughter and my Mum had such a close bond for those years.

Do you feel able to talk to your mum about this ahead of the trip?

@arcof

I have spoken to her about this. She knows how uncomfortable and insecure it makes me feel, I have been 100% honest about it. She says she understands it and doesn't feel she is doing anything wrong but love her and she feels she needs to cram everything into our visits in order to maintain their relationship. I get that too! I know it's difficult for her as she always envisaged a large family, all living close by, she is very family orientated, it's in her nature. That's how she grew up, that's how me and DB grew up and she actually had a really hard time when I decided to study abroad. She didn't understand why I wanted to "leave" the family.

Some of you have asked / mentioned this and I just want to clarify. She did respect what I asked and didn't come in at night when DD was crying, but I still was unable to settle her and actually had to end up getting DM as it felt really unfair to let DD cry in the middle of night when we all knew what she wanted. She wanted Nana and there's nothing I or DH could do.
So DF slept on the sofa, DD bunked up with DM and I sobbed myself to sleep thinking I failed as a mother. And DH not knowing what the hell is happening and why on Earth am I not grateful that I finally get an undisturbed night sleep that I so want (he says I seem to want it unless I actually get the opportunity).

I really am trying to be as clear as possible and I am reading all your comment, thank yo again! Apologies if I keep missing things, jumping from one thing to another. I think I am the main issue and if I had a more relaxed approach, there would be no tears. But I guess I am trying to find out if I'd be doing the right thing by DD by letting go of my insecurities and let her sleep with DM and try and not get so broken hearted when she runs for comfort to her and not me.

I think she's very little and I really wouldn't otherthink this and let her and your mum enjoy their time together. I get feeling a bit weird about it but it doesn't mean DD is going to reject you for your mum or anything, and as you are apart most of the time it's just a different time and space for DD.

Both my kids wailed and wept every time we left my mum's/my mum left after looking after the, when they were pre-schoolers, but it was just time with grandma was special (and they got a lot of biscuits) so they didn't want it to end.

@SausageSizzle

Honestly, the way I would deal with this is by sleeping in, enjoying a drink in front of the TV over bedtime while someone else deals and taking a good book. If your DM doesn't mind, I would literally pretend I had a full-time nanny and enjoy the fantasy .

I don't want to discount your concerns but it's highly unlikely that your DD is connecting back to you having PND and 'punishing' you for it. Many young children go though a stage of rejecting one of other parent and it has nothing to do with how secure their bond is. They're learning that they can have and express a preference and trying this out on those around them.

I am going to try my best and do just that. It does sound great and honestly it's so pathetic, all the time I keep wishing me and DH could spend a bit more time together and just have one single night when I'm not disturbed, and when I get the chance I go into panic overdrive thinking my DD hates me and only puts up with me when Nana isn't around. Yes, I know how ridiculous this sound... 🍷😭

@workwoes123

Hi OP

I had almost exactly your situation - doted on first grandchild, grand parents living in another country so we only saw them for 10-14 day holidays 2/3 times a year, together 24/7 throughout that time. My mum and my DS absolutely doted on each other and she was basically his slave 😂. She was definitely making up for lost time by cramming all the spoiling in.

Honestly ? I was absolutely delighted to let her do bed, baths, playtime, story time - you name it! It was the closest DH and I got to a holiday in the early days as I was a SAHM and he was working ft.

I think you are correct in identifying the source of your anxiety as guilt or a hangover from your PND. But I’m equally certain that your daughter is just loving the novelty of having granny at her beck and call. Children need lots of different positive relationships in their lives, and this is definitely one to nurture. It does grate sometimes, when you’re wrestling with a grumpy toddler and granny swoops in to save the day! I chose to interpret as my mum supporting me - not as a competition: it takes a village.

Thank you so much for your comment, it's so great to read about other families in almost identical situations. It's so refreshing to read how positively you dealt with things and I wish I was you, honestly! I do sincerely wish it didn't bother me as much as it does and if I didn't see it as a competition. I need to work on this, as I said earlier, if I could just let go, everybody had a nicer time and certainly less tears from DD. Thank you again

@Cofifeefee

I think you should embrace it. She's her grandmother, why wouldn't you want your daughter to have a lovely relationship with her.

I completely disagree with the PP that says your mum has to step back. She sees her so rarely, it's not like she's interfering in parenting decisions on a daily basis. It's a holiday, sleeping with GM is a treat, let her have it.

You are absolutely right! It's not every day and it makes them both happy. So why shouldn't I let them spend as much time together as possible.

What I have to constantly remind myself of is also the fact that I too had a great relationship with my grandma. I loved her so much, she looked after me whilst DM + DF worked and yes, there were times I demanded to be taken over to her house in the middle of the night because I wanted to stay with her. She only lived around the corner though, they didn't have to get me a flight ticket 🙈

Thanks so much @Roselilly36 - it definitely puts things into perspective and reminds me of similar times I had with my own Grandma.

I wish I could reply to you all one by one. The more and more I read your comments, it's so clear that I'm actually making this harder for everyone involved, especially DD who is not doing anything wrong and deserves all the love and care in the world that her Nana can give her. And of course Grandpa too, he is just a lot more reserved - honestly, sometimes him and my DH just sit there looking at us, not really understanding what the issue is. I do feel for them...

Thank again so much for letting me write this all down, I keep reading everything back and it is so helpful to read it from others point of view; posters in similar situations, and posters who weren't lucky enough to have grandparents around. It does put things into perspective and I'm so grateful for all your comments!

I'm ordering a load of books for our upcoming holiday and have put a wine order in too. DH is not going to be joining us this time so I am going to try my damn hardest to have an awesome time with me myself and I - and to let go, actually REST and catch up properly with friends and family ❤️ xx