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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting someone you love to die - sensitive trigger warning dementia and quality of life

128 replies

BewaretheIckabog · 01/11/2021 19:57

Today my mum has had a bad turn.

She has advanced dementia but we have been relatively lucky so far, she recognised us, was pleased to see us, lost in her own world, wandering physically and mentally but generally comfortable, well-cared for without pain and rarely stressed or agitated.

She is declining and today I said out loud that I would rather her die than her condition deteriorate further and her suffer anguish. I have seen dementia where people become really distressed. There is no hope of cure or improvement.

My AIBU is whether it is unnatural to admit it and to feel guilty for feeling this way. I know many on here say they would support a dignified death but the idea of choosing that for someone other than oneself feels off kilter.

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 01/11/2021 19:59

I know how you feel. My mam has Alzheimer’s. It really is a horrific disease. I don’t blame you for thinking that at all x

Walkerby · 01/11/2021 20:01

Sending much love ❤️. My dad had Alzheimer’s and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. YANBU at all. I wished him freedom from it every single day for years, especially as you say it just carries on declining. You love them and you don’t want them to have this existence. It’s a tough road. Take all the support you can get xxx

MrsBobDylan · 01/11/2021 20:02

Try not to feel guilty. If it helps, it sounds similar to when I found out my then 13 year old dc was having suicidal thoughts. His clinician explained that, rather than wanting to die, he just wanted his pain to stop.

You just want to prevent your Mum from suffering. Because you love her. And you love her because she loves you. And that is why what you feel is perfectly natural.

x2boys · 01/11/2021 20:02

I used to work in dementia care ,I don't blame you at all it's a horrible illness ,very difficult on their loved ones .

MatildaTheCat · 01/11/2021 20:03

It’s agony isn’t it? Just slowly getting worse and worse.

If it’s any help at all my DF was pretty much as bad as you can be towards the end and yet he did still have the odd moments of lucidity and knowing who we were. I’m convinced that our voices and touch are a huge comfort.

YANBU of course. Who wants to prolong a disease like this?

Porcupineintherough · 01/11/2021 20:03

As long as you're not saying it out loud to her, I dont see the problem. I think most of us with loved ones with dementia feel like this sooner or later. At any rate, I do.

CoffeeAndDryShampoo · 01/11/2021 20:04

I completely agree with you OP and I don't think you need to feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Your feelings come from a place of love and compassion for your mum. Dementia is a cruel disease, not just for the person suffering from it but for their loved ones to witness as well. Please don't be hard on yourself.

ginnybag · 01/11/2021 20:05

It's a completely reasonable thing to say, and one which we need to accept saying more, I think.

I've made end of life decisions for close relatives, and am expecting to have to do so again for two more in the next few days and weeks. It's never easy, but sometimes it is right. Quality of life should be more important than just life.

Bagelsandbrie · 01/11/2021 20:09

Perfectly normal to feel that way with any end of life type condition. We just don’t talk about these things honestly enough. Only those who’ve had similar experiences tend to understand. I felt the same way struggling through the last few months with my Mum who had terminal bowel cancer. I just wanted it all to be over.

Mamlife · 01/11/2021 20:12

Yanbu op

I lost my mum recently and I’m haunted by her suffering in her final year.

ittakes2 · 01/11/2021 20:12

My lovely lovely f'n'law had dementia. Each time just as we thought things could not get worse - they did. It was almost unbelievable until you have had a loved one with very severe dementia how bad things can get for them. I totally understand where you are coming from. Sending you peace.

JudgeRindersMinder · 01/11/2021 20:12

YANBU at all, I’ve been there, my mum was only 57 at diagnosis. My dad called it death by a thousand cuts and he wasn’t wrong. I’m so sorry you’re living this nightmare

Doobydooo · 01/11/2021 20:14

Been here with my own mum many years ago and also my MIL. Found it easier after they'd passed rather than having to witness them reduced to shells of who they were. You wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.

Feel whatever you need to feel, it's not wrong. Sending love.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 01/11/2021 20:15

No, it's not wrong, unusual or harmful to hope people will die when that's their best option.

My mum was bedridden, full of sores, and not fully mentally competent but not so far gone that she didn't know what was happening. She was in pain physically and mentally. She asked us to help her die - we couldn't do that. There was no hope of improvement but she had to go through it - why? When she passed it was a welcome end to her suffering.

meganorks · 01/11/2021 20:17

Sorry you and your mum are going through this. I completely understand where you are coming from and it is certainly a view plenty of people would agree with

My FIL had bowel cancer and we essentially had to watch him starve to death. He couldn't eat much for a long time, so it was drugs for the pain and liquids until he passed. It was horrific.

tsmainsqueeze · 01/11/2021 20:22

I am very sorry for your poor mom and what you are going through .
When my wonderful nan was at the end of her life , she had been resuscitated in error despite a DNR , it was truly awful .
I had an overwhelming desire for her to go ,this may sound strange - I'm a veterinary nurse and i wanted to 'put her to sleep' , with peace , love kindness and dignity , the way we treat the animals in our care .
Don't beat yourself up for wanting someone you love to be free of their suffering .

SomethingOnce · 01/11/2021 20:24

In a way, it’s harder to understand not feeling like that, OP. And you’ve certainly nothing to feel guilty about Flowers

GaolBhoAlba · 01/11/2021 20:25

Not unreasonable at all, indeed the opposite - you love her thus seeing her suffer is incredibly distressing. Terminal decline is awful; when there's no hope to be found. I watched my Mum decline from terminal cancer, over a period of months, and I prayed for mercy, for her suffering to end. Wishing you strength OP.

Gumbo · 01/11/2021 20:29

My mother died from dementia 3 days ago. The last 6 months were truly horrific and if I could have legally ended her life I cheerfully would have. Horrendous illness, it's not wrong to want someone to die significantly sooner than dementia allows.

helpfulperson · 01/11/2021 20:33

What helped me with my dad were the discussion with the care home and his doctor around what they would and wouldn't do. So a DNR but also no admittance to hospital for infections etc. They would just keep him comfortable 8n familiar surroundings. This gave the feeling of not prolonging his life unnecessarily. But taking the best care of him.

reesewithoutaspoon · 01/11/2021 20:33

Dementia is particularly cruel. The person you knew and loved 'dies' often many years before their actual death.
I prayed every night for my dad to pass. I loved him with all my heart, I was bereft when he went, but I just wanted his suffering to end. He didnt deserve it. I think its more selfish to want someone just to stay alive so they are there for your benefit

CatFacePoodle · 01/11/2021 20:37

Completely understandable thing to feel. I felt exactly the same when my dad deteriorated rapidly with dementia. The only people I felt I could say it to were other people who had a loved one with dementia.
I lost my dad earlier this year and was relieved when he went, he was out of pain and suffering. We'd really lost him a long time before anyway, he was just a shell of a man. It's a hideous and cruel disease.
Take care of yourself.

darksideofthemooncup · 01/11/2021 20:39

Yanbu, my dad has dementia with Lewy bodies. To see this quick witted big strong man reduced to a confused shell of a human with little dignity left is utterly heartbreaking. I know he would be appalled at living like this if he had capacity to understand (a small mercy that he doesn't I guess)
I hate what it's done to him and to my mum and that my Dd continuously loses her grandad who was her biggest cheerleader.
I wouldn't wish this in my worst enemy

Spidey66 · 01/11/2021 20:40

My mum died of cancer and suffered terribly in the end. I wanted her to die as she was suffering terribly.

InTheRoomWhereItHappens · 01/11/2021 20:43

Completely understandable to feel like this. My mom hasn't a clue who I am and is just a little lost soul, wondering around. Due to her dementia and my Dad's physical infirmities they'd lived in a care home together for the past year. Dad died in hospital 3 weeks ago and although I went to tell Mom the following day, she had no concept of what I telling her and hasn't mentioned my Dad since. I'm glad she's been spared the grief but I know she would never have wanted to end up like this. When you see a loved one in this condition it's not wrong to wish they could be released from this undignified half life.