Wanting someone you love to die - sensitive trigger warning dementia and quality of life

[BewaretheIckabog]

Today my mum has had a bad turn.

She has advanced dementia but we have been relatively lucky so far, she recognised us, was pleased to see us, lost in her own world, wandering physically and mentally but generally comfortable, well-cared for without pain and rarely stressed or agitated.

She is declining and today I said out loud that I would rather her die than her condition deteriorate further and her suffer anguish. I have seen dementia where people become really distressed. There is no hope of cure or improvement.

My AIBU is whether it is unnatural to admit it and to feel guilty for feeling this way. I know many on here say they would support a dignified death but the idea of choosing that for someone other than oneself feels off kilter.

Been through it with my
Mum , no idea now how I coped , and just wanted it to end for her , please don’t feel guilty about it , I loved her dearly , and when she did eventually pass she looked at peace and better than she had done for months

100% say Yanbu op.
I'm so sorry for your mum and your family.
The only thing I will say,from the heart,is make as many memories now as you can,treasure every smile you receive,hold their hand,but them,they may not remember you,but to you all,she is everything and her smiles will see you through the dark times ahead.I hope she finds some peace bless her heart.🌈

I think it's perfectly natural for feeling guilty about wanting someone to die,but this is really not the case, reframe it as you do not want her to suffer further. It's a horrible disease that slowly takes away the person you love, it takes them away from you month by month, day by day.

You really dont have any reason to feel guilty, but realistically, you will, but don't hold onto that guilt for long, please, it will eat you up.

You sound like a lovely person so be kind to yourself in these difficult times

@Gumbo Sorry for your loss.

My dad passed two years’s ago - he had been active but severely disabled for 50 years. Despite his substantial physical disabilities and even his loss of independence I hoped he would live.

I mourned the mum I had known when my dad passed. She wasn’t well enough to understand (small blessing as she never really had to deal with losing him).

Dementia is horrible and I don’t want her to be sad or distressed.

My grandfather had vascular dementia and both my mother and I said the same thing many times.
Dementia is beyond horrid. You grieve for the person they were when they're still alive.
Sending you lots of love Op

Oh OP. I work in the NHS and saw patients again and again with dementia (among other illnesses - late stage cancers etc etc) in their final stages and it was heartbreaking for their families to watch them suffer.

I say this loud and I say it clear and people may not agree, but you wouldn't do it to your dog. We've got it all wrong and we are in a position to give our beloved pets a dignified and painless end when they've had enough and there's no coming back, however our beloved family members aren't afforded the relief of an "early" death even when it's plain to see they are suffering. It is grim. I will welcome a change in assisted dying laws, and I'm sure they will come.

for you and for your lovely mum.

My mum isn't suffering exactly - no pain, still knows people, still likes food and chats - but most things she enjoys in life have gone forever, there is no chance of her recovering. Of course I want her life to be over. Why on earth would I want anything else? I find it completely bizarre when people insist that those they love should lose every single tiny scrap of meaningful life before anyone can consider whether active treatment is really in their best interests. It would have been better if she'd died 3 years ago.

It’s perfectly natural to want the pain and suffering to stop in someone you love. And if there’s no treatment or cure for their suffering, wishing them a peaceful end is all you can do.

I understand OP. I feel the same about my dear nan. She hasn't been really awake for 6 years. Completely bed bound. She cannot speak or eat herself. Utterly terrible existence that she would not want.

Yes. I totally understand this. I watched first my darling grandmother, and then my father deteriorate into husks of their former selves. Towards the end their lives were utter misery. I never want anyone to suffer like that.

It is awful to go through this. there can be ups and downs with it though, so just because your mum is having a bad day today she might be more like her usual self tomorrow. I completely sympathise though and you are not being unreasonable. It is just so terribly sad.

My FIL decided on assisted suicide in California when terminally ill with a neurological disease. Although hard, we were able to be together as a family and support him through the last days and hours that were of his choosing, at home with the people he loved. We made his favourite meals, played games and reminisced. It was a time of sadness but there was also lots of laughter and joy. It was calm and he could be in control throughout, while he was still able to do so. I honestly am so thankful that he was able to do this and that we could say goodbye in the way he wanted, with us with him. I look back at the time positively. I am certain that it was how he wanted and I know I would want the same for myself in a similar situation. I think of the alternative, which in his mind was to starve himself to death rather than live with the rapidly and massively debilitating disease, and feel horrendous for those who don't have this choice. to those going through this. You have my absolute sympathies.

No you are not wrong at all to think like this. It is extremely hard to see someone you love who was strong and nurtured you to adulthood regress back to an almost infant childlike state in their strength, fragile mental state and dependency to something you no longer recognise as your parent and who doesn't see you as their child.

@AllThingsServeTheBeam - this is my Dad. He has survived Covid probably but has no physical ability, has to be fed; too fragile to be moved out of bed. I don’t think he has mental capacity, and I get really distressed thinking he may have locked in syndrome. I am now reconciled he may be like this for years and it’s writing a chunk of my life off too.

My mum had dementia. It was fucking heartbreaking for her and us.
She used to stand at the door of the care home asking everyone who entered if they had seen her mammy.
I remember the doctor telling us when my mum was diagnosed
Mum has been diagnosed with dementia but it's the family who will live with it
If I every take it I'm killing myself, I couldn't have DH and DD watch me lose myself.
I fucking hate what dementia did to my mum and family.
My mum died peacefully with her 6 children at her bedside with a massive smile on her face after telling us her Mammy was there.
It was a relief to know she wasn't suffering anymore.

Yes, 2 of my grandparents ended up with dementia. My gran couldn't talk for the last 3 years of her life. By the end both couldn't get out of bed, they were completely gone mentally and they were emaciated because they hardly ate and what they did eat their body didn't process properly. I won't go into anymore detail but it was extremely difficult and we all wished their lives had ended a lot sooner than they did. Sorry OP, its so tough.

In the past, it was common to refer to the death of someone who was suffering a lengthy and terrible illness as "a blessed release".

I totally get where you're coming from. I was a care worker for 5 years and the majority of my customers had dementia. I lost count of how many of them asked me to end it for them. It was utterly heart breaking. Watching families being destroyed by dementia, slowly losing the people they loved so dearly. Many of the relatives said it was a relief when they finally died. They grieved while they were still living but knowing they were finally at peace was a relief.

A previous poster is correct that you wouldn't leave a dog to suffer as we expect our elderly to. Surely our elderly deserve dignity and the right to have a peaceful, pain free death?

Thinking of you.

You are not wrong and don't feel guilty, OP.
I lost both DF (4 years ago) and DM (8 months ago), both had dementia. I am forever grateful that neither lasted long past diagnosis and both still recognised me and both my sisters right up to the last. Like your DM, lost in their own world and space in time but without significant pain or discomfort. It's hard, but there were many times I felt I had put one of my dogs to sleep for less and how unfair it was. Thinking of you

Even three months ago whilst she was doubly incontinent and had to be washed and dressed and supervised to eat I would have hesitated to say this. I suspect she would have disagreed.

She still got excited by a piece of cake or a flower in the garden and laughed and smiled.

@ParkheadParadise

My mum had dementia. It was fucking heartbreaking for her and us. She used to stand at the door of the care home asking everyone who entered if they had seen her mammy. I remember the doctor telling us when my mum was diagnosed Mum has been diagnosed with dementia but it's the family who will live with it If I every take it I'm killing myself, I couldn't have DH and DD watch me lose myself. I fucking hate what dementia did to my mum and family. My mum died peacefully with her 6 children at her bedside with a massive smile on her face after telling us her Mammy was there. It was a relief to know she wasn't suffering anymore.

There was a poor soul in my grandparents home who sometimes used to wander up and down the corridors crying for her mum. It was god awful to see, and no matter what anyone tried to do for her she just wanted her mum. It used to break my heart. Knowing that in her mind at that point she was a child desperate to find her mum was just awful.

My mum also has advanced dementia, she sleeps most of the day and when I go to see her she is barely awake, I don't think she recognises me anymore. I desperately want her to be at peace she doesn't deserve this indignity, she was such a vibrant, strong woman. Now she is tiny and frail. She was my rock, my best friend. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

My beloved Nan has dementia and it's so sad.

She now lives in a world where she is always scared, always paranoid and always angry. It's not her. She lives in fear of the mundane, like using the bathroom. She thinks she is being watched and followed and is permanently frightened.

It's no life. She's well into her 90s with no enjoyment anymore. It feels like punshiment her still being here. She isnt happy. Its heart breaking

YANBU My mum hasn't remembered me for years its a cruel disease you take care and look after yourself xxxx a lot of posters going through the same thing so we are always here to chat xxx

my husband hopefully has a long way to go but i hope he dies before he ever gets too ill, especially forgetting me or our kids even just a little bit.. it would truly painful.

i also hope i die before i have to suffer with anything