To find it all too much

[biggirlknickers]

Life as a middle aged woman I mean.

Work is a constant source of pressure and stress. I’m a teacher. I find it exhausting and difficult. I’m not sure I’m really all that good at it either. Some days I feel like I’m winning but most days I’m just struggling through. It’s really hard to achieve the high expectations with a big demanding class, few resources and very little time to think, plan, prepare, mark, organise etc.

DC. I have 2, aged 10 and 14. They need so much patience, time, understanding, guiding, helping, listening, taking places etc. And they deserve it. I feel like I don’t manage to give them half of what they really deserve because of everything else I have to do. Eldest is struggling with social anxiety and other issues and I just don’t seem to to have the time that is needed. I have started catastrophic thoughts about this - that this DC may be so unhappy they could do something stupid / harm themselves or worse and it would be my fault for being so busy all the time. I worry about the DC a lot.

Housework. It’s just constant. Tidy, wash up, put away, clean, shop, put away, cook, start again. I’m never on top of it. I have a DP and he does his share - but it’s still awful to come home from a hard day at work and have to start housework / cooking when I’m already knackered and fed up. And then when that’s all done I get my laptop out and do more school work. I can’t afford a cleaner.

We are carers for a disabled friend who lives 15 miles away so one of us visits at least 4x per week at teatime. This is usually DP (I do it once pw) but even when it’s not me, I’m doing everything at home by myself.

My parents are approaching 80 and they are going to need some support at some point. They live 30 miles away but I’m the nearest relative. I have no clue how I’ll manage when that situation becomes more pertinent.

There’s nothing left for me. No energy, no time. I just seem to drag my way through the days and weeks and months. And years. With too little joy, too little relaxation, never really pursuing my own passions and interests, not looking after myself physically because when do I have time for that? I’m fat (I feed my tiredness and anxiety with food and I don’t have time to plan, shop, cook and eat properly, or to exercise) and I worry about that all the time too.

I don’t know how to ease the pressure. It’s all too much.

That sounds so draining. I don’t have half of that and I’m overwhelmed. I have one DC work 30hrs and I feel taken over by life admin.
If there is no joy for you, you will sink. You have taken on too much but circumstances change and you now need to claw some personal space back and it needs to be a priority. Where could you cut back?

That’s just it - where can I cut back? Nowhere. I need my job (I’m the main breadwinner and it isn’t much bread!), the DC can’t be ‘cut back’, the house won’t clean itself or the cooking do itself.

main breadwinner? so there is a partner? what is your partner doing? are they worrying about all this stuff or just leaving it to you?

@Brefugee

main breadwinner? so there is a partner? what is your partner doing? are they worrying about all this stuff or just leaving it to you?

She said her partner does the bulk of the caring visits to their friend.

I'm sorry you're so stretched. Have you asked for a social care assessment for the friend, and do you think your parents might need one? I agree it's hard to see where you can cut back.

That sounds hard, op. Why are you cleaning every day and are the dc keeping their own rooms clean at least? Mine were changing their own bedding at that age. They could take turns putting the hoover around at the weekend.

There are loads of threads on here for easy meals that shouldn't stress you out. Go easy on yourself during the week and save proper cooking for the weekends. Batch cooking and air fryer or slow cooking save time.

You need to cut back on something… this sounds really stressful and tiring. Maybe someone else can help with the disabled friend? Surely they’re entitled to some help from the government? Then your DP can be home at tea time to help with cooking and cleaning and give you a break. Worrying now about your parents isn’t helpful, if and when the time comes there may be support out there.. don’t assume it will fall on you. Sorry you’re having a tough time of it :-(

I felt that way when I was a teacher. It left me burnt out. Your children are getting to an age where you don't need to supervise them every hour of the day during school holidays. Have you thought of a career change? I moved from teaching to Ed tech and am now a learning designer. I don't have school holidays, but only work 35 hours a week, have 44 days leave a year and am much happier. The salary is comparable to teaching.

I'm similar in that I am a middle aged teacher with a dad nearly 80. I relate to what you're saying although I only have one dc. I do find things a bit of a treadmill at times. One thing that's helped me a bit is using an educational platform called schoology for marking. But you can only use it if you're an ipad school. It's made marking much faster for me. I think your partner needs to step up a bit more workwise and look for something better paying. That would take the pressure off you a little. Does your school use textbooks? I find using a textbook cuts down on planning time. The elderly parent thing is hard too. My dad gives me endless worry. It's tough, isn't it? I try to just take things a day at a time and take small pleasures where I can.

Honestly the first thing is leave teaching and try for a different job, although I respect the profession it's just not worth it.

You won't be able to manage your parents. They are far away and you're at your max with a family of your own. Honestly I think you're mad caring for the friend when you're on your knees yourself. I don't know what to suggest really!

You could be suited to a high up role in a charity for similar salary. Teaching burns you out.

What does your partner do for work?

My life is similar OP but not as crammed as yours. You need to take steps to protect your mental health. You deserve some time to just be.Own oxygen mask first and all that.

Contact adult social services re:friend.
Do the absolute minimum of cleaning in the week. I literally do nothing except washing up, wiping the surfaces and a couple of loads of washing in the week. You’re only one person.
Gently train your kids to do easy jobs to help out. Dusting their rooms and changing bedding?
Get a slow cooker and batch cook. You need a freezer full of main meals.

Don’t beat yourself up about your kids. They know they’re loved, I’m certain. I know quite a few young teens with anxiety (my own included). You haven’t caused it. It’s a difficult world they’ve got to learn to negotiate.

The care for the friend needs to be better managed. Your dh needs to take on more. Skipping off 3 times a week for a couple of hours every weekend plus your 1 visit leaves 3 evenings to run as a family unit, it's not sustainable.

If you are the main breadwinner with a mentally demanding job, your dh needs to take some of the load off.

If your parents are going to rely on care from you, they need to move closer.

Your main priority is your dcs and your job. Everything else is just noise. Pass the shopping and meal planning to your dh. As hard as it is, you can't do 4 times a week at your friends unless they move closer too.

The 14 year old may enjoy taking on the evening meal duties a couple of times a week. I found my DC saw that as a welcome distraction from the stresses of being a teen. Hopefully you do online shopping already as a time saver, and then DC can responsible for planning and ordering as well as cooking.
Having a nice meal prepared for you twice a week makes quite a difference.

Thank you for all your lovely replies and helpful suggestions.

Social services are already involved with our friend - they see him every day. We are like his family as he doesn’t get support from his actual family.

I think leaving teaching is the big one for me. It really is too much when I have so many other responsibilities and zero support (apart from DP). I’m scared of doing it though. I think about leaving teaching all the time but then I think maybe other jobs are just as hard and demanding and I’ll lose the obvious benefits- having the holidays with my DC. And the moments of true enjoyment (although there really aren’t enough of those).

DP isn’t going to earn more and nor do I expect him to. He earns less than me but not significantly - about 25% less. He is in a niche role that suits him and he is over 60 so no real possibility of retraining now even if he wanted to.

I can see that I need to think very seriously about my own career.

I feel tired just reading that!

Defo look into your career and options. As you can’t afford a cleaner could you pay your kids pocket money to help clean? They they can keep on top of bathrooms / hooving it might be a massive help?

Other professions are not as intense as teaching. You sit in an office and drink coffee and go to the loo when you want.

When you make the change you will wonder why you left it so long.

What I have found is that I am more productive and better at juggling multiple things than my colleagues most of the time because of how well practised I am at 'high quality and high output', from being a teacher for 16 years.

I regularly can't believe how simple and stress free my job is now - and its quite complicated!

I'm sorry to hear how overwhelmed you are feeling I think I'd weigh up a few options in your position and I've been in the army in a demanding role as a parent so I completely understand the feeling of stretching yourself too thin ect . Have you considered getting signed off work for a few months ? Would you be entitled to full pay ? If so would it benefit you to have some proper breathing space to focus on the kids get your house in order and most importantly take some time out for you to unwind practice self care and really think about your future. Also would becoming a TA/HLTA be an option the TA pay obviously wouldn't be the same but would this massively impact your Lifestyle? I think HLTA have a higher salary and you wouldn't be constantly planning and marking aka chasing your tail whilst still working in education. I Bet you are an amazing teacher and parent if you weren't you would care so much about how you are. The problem is when we take on a lot we feel like a jack of all trades and master of non . I hope you find a solution to suit you op you sound burnt out. Take care xxxxx

I feel similar about teaching and own family life, but don't have the other caring responsibilities that you have.
Try to plan something nice- evening out/ day out/ weekend away. Just a treat- so that in manic moments you can think about that little bit of freedom?
Bribe yourself through it basically!!
It's what I do!

I had one single night away last week during half term with DP. It was so lovely. A very rare treat. I almost think that it has made me feel worse now because of the contrast in me - how happy and chilled and relaxed I felt for that 24hours - compared to how things normally are.

The years are slipping by and I have all this potential to enjoy my life but I’m not enjoying it most of the time.

I feel very similar OP. Trying to balance full time teaching and a young family plus parental support.
I've had many conversations with friends in other professional roles and they all agree the relentless scrutiny and ever increasing workload make teaching a very stressful job.
I am leaving at Christmas for a HLTA role. Huge pay drop for the family but we should be able to manage.
I found a Facebook group 'exit the classroom and thrive' which has hundreds of people in similar situations and lots of advice on how to live on from teaching. I recommend looking up the pit pony video.

Where are you in terms of finances. How many years left on your mortgage ect. Could you claim carers allowance for the help you give your friend and use that income to pay a cleaner or to change jobs and top up your income. Could you downsize and reduce your mortgage so you can start to wind down with work. You say your husband is 60 so I am guessing you must be at least 50 too. Can the kids help a but more chores for pocket money and get them to tidy up before your home so hoover wash pots put clothes washing in keep their rooms tidy then all there is to do is cook.

Honestly the first thing is leave teaching and try for a different job, although I respect the profession it's just not worth it.

I agree.

Yes you get the holidays but the hours you do are ridiculous and if you worked out your hourly rate of the hours you actually do, you aren’t on great money.

If I was you I would look into other jobs that are term time only - cover supervisor, TA, tutors, supply etc they’ll all be a lot less money but also a hell of a lot less stress. It doesn’t have to be permanent it could just be a 12 month break.

Have you checked to see if they would offer you part time hours?

Ask your bank for a mortgage holiday. Take 3 months off. Breathe. Give yourself 4 weeks completely off, just pottering. Then start looking for a new job in education that is less demanding on you.