To find it all too much

[biggirlknickers]

Life as a middle aged woman I mean.

Work is a constant source of pressure and stress. I’m a teacher. I find it exhausting and difficult. I’m not sure I’m really all that good at it either. Some days I feel like I’m winning but most days I’m just struggling through. It’s really hard to achieve the high expectations with a big demanding class, few resources and very little time to think, plan, prepare, mark, organise etc.

DC. I have 2, aged 10 and 14. They need so much patience, time, understanding, guiding, helping, listening, taking places etc. And they deserve it. I feel like I don’t manage to give them half of what they really deserve because of everything else I have to do. Eldest is struggling with social anxiety and other issues and I just don’t seem to to have the time that is needed. I have started catastrophic thoughts about this - that this DC may be so unhappy they could do something stupid / harm themselves or worse and it would be my fault for being so busy all the time. I worry about the DC a lot.

Housework. It’s just constant. Tidy, wash up, put away, clean, shop, put away, cook, start again. I’m never on top of it. I have a DP and he does his share - but it’s still awful to come home from a hard day at work and have to start housework / cooking when I’m already knackered and fed up. And then when that’s all done I get my laptop out and do more school work. I can’t afford a cleaner.

We are carers for a disabled friend who lives 15 miles away so one of us visits at least 4x per week at teatime. This is usually DP (I do it once pw) but even when it’s not me, I’m doing everything at home by myself.

My parents are approaching 80 and they are going to need some support at some point. They live 30 miles away but I’m the nearest relative. I have no clue how I’ll manage when that situation becomes more pertinent.

There’s nothing left for me. No energy, no time. I just seem to drag my way through the days and weeks and months. And years. With too little joy, too little relaxation, never really pursuing my own passions and interests, not looking after myself physically because when do I have time for that? I’m fat (I feed my tiredness and anxiety with food and I don’t have time to plan, shop, cook and eat properly, or to exercise) and I worry about that all the time too.

I don’t know how to ease the pressure. It’s all too much.

I’m not a teacher and only have one child but so much is relatable in your post! I work FT and care for an elderly parent too.

As a parent I can totally see how intense term times are and recognise how energy sapping the performance part of being a teacher, that a previous poster mentioned, must be. That and the constant assessment/judgement of what you are doing seems so hard.

If you are at the end of your tether then you need to be signed off. If it’s not quite that bad then some of the suggestions made here could help. The switch to a private school sounded like it could have advantages.

I’d be wary of making big decisions from a bad place though. Some ex-teachers seem to have hit it lucky with 44 days annual leave, jobs closer to home, no extra work. That’s perhaps not a realistic picture of the world out side teaching. One of my issues is that I get the equivalent of 5 weeks holiday a year and two of those go for Xmas as my company has a shut down. That’s not a lot of wiggle room for anything else. On top of that it is assumed I work in excess of my contract - that’s very common when you are a certain level and probably the case for workers at many levels who are not hourly paid. Consequently my house is often a tip, the play dates and sleep overs other kids have are less for my child, the house hasn’t been decorated in 15 years, I haven’t had a hair cut in 2 years, the garden is just about under control but my child never had any play equipment nor us seating as we can’t sort out a patio/flat section. What I do do is meal plan (saves time and money), calorie count using an NHS app, walk whenever possible and do 15/20 minute online Hiit.

Re: your parents - I’m not sure whether you are an only child however if you are not my strong advice would be not to fall in to the trap of being coordinator/the go to person based on distance. My experience of care is that it is as much about researching/doing/putting things in place remotely as it is about hands on being there. This means that anyone can do it regardless of distance. What’s happened to me is that as closest I’ve become the default for every task and I bitterly resent it.

Sorry but you're going to burn out unless something is cut . i'd cut the visits to the friend to twice a week & not you at all , (Short Zoom chats instead). The children should be maintaining their bedrooms & changing their own sheets etc. They can both learn to Hoover & do laundry. Don't clean in the week , it's too much with a job that needs marking & prep in the evenings . Also, private tuition online to overseas slstudents is v well paid. No prep: there is curriculum & coursewoerk provided or it can just be practicing chatting in English with you on any topic if they're mature students.. I'd go 4 days a week at school & do online tutoring on one day.

Why is no-one mentioning the disabled friend. It is very nice of you to support them 3x a week but totally unsustainable. They aren't your parent. They should be eligible for disability living allowance to cover the cost of carers for them. Send DP to visit once a week and then DP can spend more time at work earning which might cover the costs of a cleaner or something.

I feel for you OP!

I don't think it's the amount of crap that's the problem, so much as the quality of it.

We have 6 kids between us, aged from newborn to mid teens, and I have a very demanding job. I don't have any bought in help and my parents are also becoming a worry. I don't have the added pressure of a caring role, but other than that, my life sounds very similar. Except I love it!

The difference seems to be that I deliberately set my mind set to enjoy the things I have to do. I look forward to going to work, spending time with the kids, having a nice tidy house, cooking varied meals. I didn't always, I used to feel like you, but I deliberately changed my mind set. I've decided I like being busy (I didn't) and that a certain degree of stress is good for the soul. It makes me sound like a martyr, but it doesn't feel like that inside.

It's hard to explain, but if you can start to look forward to the drudge, then it seems less of a drudge somehow. It's somehow like doing the cooking becomes my wind down time rather than exercise (which I'd rather do but can't find time!)

Having said that, I'm not a teacher. DP is, and he's far more stressed than me! I agree with others, sack that off if you can. If the love for it has gone I'm not sure you can get that back and it will always be a drain on you.

@AndSoFinally love the stoic wisdom here. Mindset switch is what i have been trying to do for about 7 years. It works most of the time!

I'm at the same age and stage also with kids who are 14 and 10. I'm not a teacher but I have a very full-on self-employed job that is often 7 days a week and all year round. I do almost no housework - we have a cleaner once every two weeks, DH does the shopping/cooking and we muddle through with laundry. The main difference is I have low standards and while it's hygienic, I don't expect the house to be tidy, clothes to ironed etc. Something's got to give in these situations and for me it's that.

Also it's interesting that you say how much time your DC need - I'm finding the exact opposite at this stage. I'm loving how much less of me they need and it's really just a bit of supervision, checking in and love and beyond that they look out for each other, entertain themselves and do more of their own maintenance (make their own breakfasts and such). Of course all kids are different, but as with the cleaning, what I sense from your OP is that you're really expecting way too much of yourself. Guilting yourself for not taking them more places and giving them more attention and fearing the worst about not being across it all. Would you say that you are anxious yourself? Does your DC really need all this support from you or would more responsibility, or maybe help from elsewhere (counsellor? or club/activity?) be good for both of you? It sounds like you're doing loads and unless your DC are extremely needy, they should be becoming more independent not less, although of course you'll always be there to catch them.

Likewise, I can hear you shutting down any suggestion that caring for your friend is unsustainable, but it just sounds so unrealistic when you're juggling so much. And then you talk as though it's normal to want to move your whole family to be closer to them and are surprised your DH isn't gagging to do so. If anything, the friend should move to you as they're just one person and you have a whole household. I'm sure you'll say that's not possible because of their support services, but again, you're putting too much on yourself and seeing thing as though it's all down to you. It's not. As your parents know and don't want to impose.

The first step to a solution is your mindset. Not getting a new job or moving house to be nearer the friend or any of those big things that feel unmanageable in the midst of the madness. You need to step back and let go of the feeling that you have to perform all these deeds to this level. When you take that pressure off yourself, you can prioritise and the next steps will feel so much more possible. Perhaps even exciting. Your life should be opening out now, not spiralling towards a burn-out.

I really feel for you OP. I think that teaching is the cause of this, the workload is unsustainable and it's a job that is never finished, there is always something else that needs doing or could be done and if you haven't done it you feel guilty.
And when you are at work it is utterly full on, there is no down time. I arrived at work at 7.15 today, left at 5.55 and had a ten minute break mid morning and a twenty minute lunch, part of that was spent talking to a colleague about a work issue and filling in a form. When I got home I had a clonking headache and realised I'd had one drink all day and hadn't been to the loo since I left home in the morning. I've just closed the laptop after doing another two hours at home. I don't have your other pressures - at least not to the same degree- and work in a supportive school but also feel close to cracking. Yesterday I cried over our ks1 leader and today she cried over me (I am also key stage lead for another key stage). There is a massive recruitment crisis in schools for support staff and we are just papering over the cracks. I don't see it getting any better. School holidays do not make up for the 55-60 hour weeks I routinely do. If I could see a way out I'd leave but I'm not trained for anything of a comparable salary and, like you, mine is the bigger income.

How are you doing OP? I found this charity and wondered if it might help? www.educationsupport.org.uk/