To find it all too much

[biggirlknickers]

Life as a middle aged woman I mean.

Work is a constant source of pressure and stress. I’m a teacher. I find it exhausting and difficult. I’m not sure I’m really all that good at it either. Some days I feel like I’m winning but most days I’m just struggling through. It’s really hard to achieve the high expectations with a big demanding class, few resources and very little time to think, plan, prepare, mark, organise etc.

DC. I have 2, aged 10 and 14. They need so much patience, time, understanding, guiding, helping, listening, taking places etc. And they deserve it. I feel like I don’t manage to give them half of what they really deserve because of everything else I have to do. Eldest is struggling with social anxiety and other issues and I just don’t seem to to have the time that is needed. I have started catastrophic thoughts about this - that this DC may be so unhappy they could do something stupid / harm themselves or worse and it would be my fault for being so busy all the time. I worry about the DC a lot.

Housework. It’s just constant. Tidy, wash up, put away, clean, shop, put away, cook, start again. I’m never on top of it. I have a DP and he does his share - but it’s still awful to come home from a hard day at work and have to start housework / cooking when I’m already knackered and fed up. And then when that’s all done I get my laptop out and do more school work. I can’t afford a cleaner.

We are carers for a disabled friend who lives 15 miles away so one of us visits at least 4x per week at teatime. This is usually DP (I do it once pw) but even when it’s not me, I’m doing everything at home by myself.

My parents are approaching 80 and they are going to need some support at some point. They live 30 miles away but I’m the nearest relative. I have no clue how I’ll manage when that situation becomes more pertinent.

There’s nothing left for me. No energy, no time. I just seem to drag my way through the days and weeks and months. And years. With too little joy, too little relaxation, never really pursuing my own passions and interests, not looking after myself physically because when do I have time for that? I’m fat (I feed my tiredness and anxiety with food and I don’t have time to plan, shop, cook and eat properly, or to exercise) and I worry about that all the time too.

I don’t know how to ease the pressure. It’s all too much.

Teacher here, but not full time. You have got a lot on, something does need to give, and I agree it’s probably the job. I’m in theory a part-time teacher, but I work full time hours. Full time teaching is more than a full time job, I wouldn’t do it again. I only stick with it because my particular job fits my personal circumstances very well. A full time job doing pretty much anything else has got to be better than teaching a full timetable. It’s the pits. Good luck!

That was exhausting to read so it must be exhausting to live. When I was 12 I took on the weekday family meal responsibility – oven food to start with, then more complex stuff. We were all tasked with laying the table, cooking, loading dishwasher, keeping the house tidy, as my mum didn’t get in til 8 and had a similarly intense job (dad worked away). Could you give some responsibilities to your kids to ease the load while looking for a new career?

The thing that jumps out at me is caring for a friend? You just aren't in a position to do that, as you say other things YOU included are suffering. Surely that’s something you can hand over to someone else either their family member or SS, it’s just too big an ask for a working family with two young ish DC even if you were part time it’d be a hard ask.

@biggirlknickers your OP really resonates. I could have written almost the same thing a few years ago. I was a teacher and a mother of young kids, and I felt like I was busting my gut and all I managed to do for all that effort was be a bit shit at everything.

My answer was to leave teaching, and I was terrified because it's all I'd ever done. But it was the best thing I ever did and I wish I'd done it sooner.

I know it feels like a massive leap, but it isn't actually that bad (financially) on the other side. I saved a ton in childcare and travel because I found something more local that worked around school. I took a big pay cut, but it didn't affect our finances as badly as I'd imagined, because we saved so much elsewhere (childcare in particular, we were paying about £1.5k a month for nursery/wraparound and that was more than our mortgage). But I figured that if things had gone totally tits up, I could go back to teaching or do supply.

I can't even begin to describe the improvements to my quality of life and for our family. I could take my kids to school, go to assemblies and sports days. I have energy and patience in the evening because I'm not wishing them to bed so I can get on with planning for the next day, or worried about the pile of marking I've got sitting on the table spoiling the time I'd tried to give to my kids. I don't really work in the evenings now and I can honestly have most weekends off without having to think about work. It was a real revelation! Teaching is brutal. Teaching with a young family even more so.

Just to say you and your DH sound like lovely people caring for your friend and children so well and thinking about your elderly parents.

No suggestion, just sending love

Surely the children can help tidy, wash up & do other house hold chores ?

I don't know how much of a hit you could take financially but where I am there's plenty of supply TA or cover supervisor work going at £10 an hour, I could have full time school hours if I wanted them. You don't get the consistency but you do get to walk away at the end of the day. Depends how much you can cut back your salary, I appreciate it's not great pay.

You are drained. Teaching is draining. It's performing. Plus then you have the marking and prep.

I would suggest that first you rationalise and control your life as much as you can now. Try it for a few months. If that doesn't help then think about leaving teaching.

By rationalise I mean - have a very organised plan for each day. You need to be on top of food/laundry/cleaning - plan meals, make them simple, get the children and DP on the washing and clearing, and - would £25 or so a week not be worth it for a cleaner to do a couple of hours?

I could have written this post myself though I’m not a teacher. I have a stressful all consuming job that keeps me busy 60 hours a week. I have an amazing partner who does so much for the kids but I still feel overwhelmed with work, chores, school admin, life admin, kids, relationships. I often day dream about running away and not coming back. I feel trapped in my current job. I am very lucky to have a well paid job but it makes it harder to say no more and leave. I feel I have to grin and bear it for the sake of the family. I do wonder when it’ll end. Any improvements in mindset have come from exercising, eating healthier etc

Quit your job and become a tutor

Get DH to help with children

Pay a cleaner for 2 hours a week to do the kitchen and bathrooms and hoover

Stop caring for this friend your a decent kind person but it's too much

Worry about your parents when it comes to it plus there is meals on wheels and carers who can help with that

Perhaps if you do all the above then swooping to tutoring might not needed

@Strangevipers

Quit your job and become a tutor

Get DH to help with children

Pay a cleaner for 2 hours a week to do the kitchen and bathrooms and hoover

Stop caring for this friend your a decent kind person but it's too much

Worry about your parents when it comes to it plus there is meals on wheels and carers who can help with that

Perhaps if you do all the above then swooping to tutoring might not needed

But she has already said that she needs her job financially as she is the breadwinner. Tutors hardly get anything pa. She can't afford a cleaner now never mind if she's on 1/10 of her wages.

@HollowTalk

No one said it was going to be easy

Tutors make as much as they put in. If you want to charge £15 an hour and do 2 hours a day or do 8 hours a day is your choice. Can be done online and worldwide or have the students go to where she lives. Hours are flexible and depending on the level of education prices can really go up

Use the money she would save on petrol to pay the cleaner

Do the kids help around the house at all?

Well I completely sympathise. If I wasn't part time I'd be writing the same post.
Teaching is relentless, and quite thankless really. What gets me is the prep you have to do around the school day. The expectations on you to plan and deliver good quality lessons day in day out and keep on top of marking and other admin is unrealistic.
I want to leave really but I've no idea what else is want to do. Thankfully I'm only 3 days so I can keep my head above water just about.

It sounds to me like you need something far less stressful.
You also need to hand over the caring duties. It sounds like far too much at the moment.

Thank you for all your replies. To answer a few points:

DP does help with the DC a lot, and he’s not their bio dad. They stay at their bio dad’s house 2 nights which is good - a small break for us. But my relationship with bio dad is absolutely awful (whole other subject I won’t get into here) so that is in many ways another source of stress.

I have tried to get the DC doing house jobs but it’s been pretty unsuccessful. The eldest is supposed to get a monthly allowance for doing certain tasks like washing up x2 pw, cooking 1x pw, taking out bins etc. But they seem to prefer not to have the money than do the jobs. I must admit I often find it less stressful to just get on with it rather than have the battle with them. But yes, this is something I need to have another go at so I’ll have a chat with DC this week and sort a new rota.

Not caring for friend is not an option. Pretend he’s my brother as that’s how I think of him. I think it would be so much easier if we lived near him though and I am prepared to move to his town but DP strangely isn’t even though he left that town to come and live with me, and we have other friends there. I think I will talk to him about this again.

We rent so no mortgage break possible.

Very much considering my career options. Talking about it here has been so helpful - thank you for reading and replying.

I’m a teacher and I work probably 55-60 hours a week. I don’t have children and I have a partner who cooks and cleans because he works 20 hours less than me.
There is absolutely not a chance I could sustain this level of work otherwise. It would not be a bad thing to leave teaching.

Also, before the usual “I work 1000 hours a week!!” crew come along, there’s various health issues going on as well which make it very hard for me.

Something’s gotta give!

You can’t continue like that, so start looking where. It’s difficult but prioritising your children is the main thing, I know it’s easy to say that. But it’s what ‘breadwinners’ usually regret the most.

I also think caring for the disabled friend is a step too far, even if it was your brother it's at the expense of time with your DC and your mental health. Is the friend happy for you to do all this for them indefinitely.
Your parents too need to start planning on how they will cope as they become more frail. Gardeners, cleaners, online shopping, carers, pharmacy deliveries, handymen through Age Concern etc. They need to be responsible for their own well being, it would be massively unfair to look to you as a busy working mum with family of your own. Isn't it what we save for in old age, to buy in care?
Maybe I'm less lovely and caring but it results in a far less stressed life for us and childhood for my DC which went by before we knew it.

Maybe consider if you can afford to go down to 80% timetable? It would be a 20% paycut which you might not be able to do but one day 'off' per week would give you some breathing space. I have done this and it's given my love back for teaching. You need to be in a supportive school though as well who understand the impact of day to day pressures on staff.

I use a work planner and home planner which depressing as it sounds helps me to feel in control and to dump thoughts on paper. Home planner is basically a book of daily to dos. I put three things on it per day. Littke is better than nothing as don't want to do too much at weekend. Flylady Kat on As you said, minimise your daily tasks, see if DC and DH can do one small task each??
You sound like a lovely family but is there anyone who can help you? Even if a family member/friend could come and help you one evening when DH is helping friend. Seems counterintuitive but it is good you are helping someone. Streamline everything as much as you can for mental load ie all bags ready by front door night before, clothes laid out...all those hacks...take at least half an hour at lunch if you can, breathe and get outside for a few minutes each day.
Career change might be a good option but is a big leap.
Best wishes.

I should add that my parents haven’t asked me for anything and probably won’t ask - they are not in the least bit demanding. It’s just a situation I’m watching and feel that I will eventually need to step in at some level.
Obviously given their age and distance they give no support to me at all.

And the disabled friend is learning disabled so has no idea how much we do.

I've lost three stone this year and the change in my energy level has been incredible. I felt so tired, overwhelmed and everything seemed like a massive effort all the time. I've been overweight for the last 15 years, most of my adult life so I couldn't remember anything different.

The change wasn't immediate but now I can really see the difference. I'm not bursting out of bed at 5am to run 10k and make a fresh smoothie but life feels much less of an uphill battle, even though I'm the most stressed I've ever been with life commitments etc. Instead of slumping on the sofa at evey given opportunity, I'm using that time to get stuff done. I just didn't have the energy when I was overweight to do anything more then the minimum.

Emotional eating is hard to take control of, because obviously its soothing your pain and taking that away only increases your pain and discomfort at first. But it does ease and you will feel so much better in the long run.

Perhaps just aim to calorie count and walk in the fresh air. Use an app and log your food for a week, then knock off 500 calories a day of your average. No massive overhaul, just eat the same meals but start tweaking - knock a snack off here and there, reduce meals size, add extra veg and reduce carbs, reduce sugar in your coffee etc. You can start to make small improvements without adding to your daily misery.

Your life sounds massively stressful but your mental and physical wellbeing dictates how well you are able to cope with everything life throws at you

Could I suggest looking at a different teaching job? I work in the independent sector. I have classes of 10-20 which generates much less marking. My form group is 15 kids. Every school is different if course but mine doesn't constantly demand evidence and oversight and what they do ask for is easy enough to provide as part of normal T&L. I really enjoy m job and having done it for a looong time I don't have to reinvent the wheel every time for lesson plans. It's not necessarily realistic to make a complete career change or take a big hit in pay, but a different school (and possibly a higher rate of pay for a 0.7-8 timetable) would help hugely.
Other than that, the kids are old enough to help. Mine have a set rota on the fridge, no arguments, no bargaining. It's there. X does the dishwasher on Monday, Y does it on Tuesday etc. I don't cook or wash their clothes unless they do their bit. I'm a SP so am bound and determined not to be the skivvy now they're a bit older. It's hard, but eventually habits do develop

I was 10 or 11 when I had my lightbulb moment of really appreciating how much my mum did and how it was shit unfair of me to just waltz off and leave the dinner dishes to her to deal with. So I did it all myself, including wiping down the sides and generally tidying up. She didn't know I'd done it and cried happy tears when she walked in later to find the kitchen spotless. Got the squishiest cuddle of my life.
Tell your DC what's going on. They are old enough to understand you are a human being, not a robot. You are helping your friend because he can't help himself. You can't keep wiping their bums for them when they are able to do it themselves.
Failing that, don't underestimate what a cleaner can do even in an hour a fortnight. If your anything like me you get side tracked all the time. So go to collect washing and end up cleaning the bathroom sink while you're in their getting towels then realise theres a load in the machine already so need to hang it up but before you hang it up you need to clear space for the airer so now you're off distributing nonsense to whatever room in the house it belongs to and you notice the DC are conducting some sort of science experiment with old juice glasses in their bedroom and now you're off collecting glasses in the other rooms because you might as well while you're there and you think you'll just pop them in to the dishwasher but discover it hasn't been emptied yet so now you're emptying the dishwasher and wondering what the fuck you were doing in the first place and you'll go to bed and realise that you still haven't washed those towels you were needing for tomorrow as there's not one left clean in the cupboard.
Which is why you feel like you're going round in circles. The cleaner will just clean and leave at the end of her time.