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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell them I don't want her on my lap next time?

105 replies

Uriahsnose · 01/11/2021 14:22

I've spent a bit of time with my newish partner's family recently. They're all nice people and very accommodating to me, no issues there.

There's a little girl in the family aged 18 months ish.

Once about a month ago we'd all gone to a friend's and it got to about 11pm before we headed back home. Nobody was drunk but we'd all had a few drinks. Taxi back to where we were staying (different households) and little girl is on someone's lap. I didn't say anything but judgementally perhaps was clutching my pearls a bit-she should be in a car seat? And I don't like drinking around children as a rule anyway or keeping her out so late but not my child or for me to say anything.

However yesterday we'd all gone to a halloween party at a pub. Left reasonably early but as we got into the taxi family member says to little girl 'Sophie get on Uriahsnose's knee so there's room' and obviously that's fine normally, she's a lovely baby and I dont mind at all but I thought, if we had an accident and I'm forced forward I could really hurt her. I didn't like it and was nervous all the way back.

WIBU (and look like a judgmental oik) if I said to my partner that I am not comfortable with it for future-if I'd have hurt her (or worse :( ) I'd have never lived with myself?Even a sudden brake could cause an adult to lunge forwards and my weight could crush her.

Should I tell them they need to put her in a seat anyway? None of my business?Is it different with taxis? I'm not a parent. I am on this site due to having had a large hand in raising my ex's but they were older and past car-seat height.

OP posts:

Bythemillpond · 01/11/2021 16:33

The seat belt is for you alone. The child then sits on your knee with you holding them.

No way should any one be travelling with young children or anyone on their knee with the seatbelt strapped round both people.

Even the smallest jerk of the car could result in fatal consequences.

I have no issue with people travelling with children on their knee in certain circumstances provided the seat belt is only around the adult

icedcoffees · 01/11/2021 16:35

@RandomLondoner

Shouldn't the seat-belt the adult is wearing prevent them from being thrown forward?

The problem is, the seatbelt will have to contain the force of both the child AND the adult being thrown forward, and the child will end up crushed between the force of a grown adult and the force of the seatbelt trying to hold them both back.

They'll end up crushed in the middle.

icedcoffees · 01/11/2021 16:36

@diddl

I'm surprised that the taxi driver took you all-or is it just guidelines?

You don't need a car seat in a taxi. Technically she should have been in her own seat but I suspect many people feel it's safer to hold the child on a lap rather than letting them slide around unrestrained.

diddl · 01/11/2021 16:51

" Technically she should have been in her own seat but I suspect many people feel it's safer to hold the child on a lap rather than letting them slide around unrestrained."

I suppose I was wondering if he was-can't think of the term-overloaded- if he had more passengers than seats.

WoolyMammoth55 · 01/11/2021 16:54

In reality if there'd been a crash at any velocity that child would have died - likely of head trauma caused by the impact of your skull.

OP, I do understand the reason it's lawful not to use a car seat in a cab, and I've actually taken my own kid in a taxi without one - once, in a public-transport-fail emergency.

I'd have an issue with this family if they are regularly taking a baby to a pub and making no sensible plans to get her home with a reasonable amount of risk. It would make me unlikely to want to bring any more kids into a family like that. Your call obviously! But it's not good.

Chocolatewheatos · 01/11/2021 17:01

It's extremely stupid and dangerous to have a child in a car without a suitable car seat. There's nothing special about taxis that mean children don't need car seats. How did they get her there? Either they walked and should have walked back or they travelled in a car and should have brought her seat.

inferiorCatSlave · 01/11/2021 17:13

Yes, there is an exception for taxis. Because it's impractical to carry around a car seat.

This - we tried to avoid using them when we had young ones or at real push get black cabs - lap straps around slightly older children youngest in strudy pushchair the above 3 adult belts on. But things do happen dashes down to A&E - trains turning into replacement buses, buses not turning up.

Her on your lap - really wasn't a good idea - very least own seat and lap strap but really either taking a seat that can be attached with adult sest belts or walking back might have been better options.

Original poster

Uriahsnose · 01/11/2021 17:24

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

The taxi thing as a one of or so is fine. If getting drunk and dragging an 18 month old until late and having her on a lap in a taxi is a regular occurrence then I would be horrified and 1) it would put me off the people and 2) I would not be having the poor baby on my lap! YANBU

I don't like it at all to be honest. :( But who am I as an outsider and a non-parent to judge that :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Uriahsnose · 01/11/2021 17:26

@inferiorCatSlave

Yes, there is an exception for taxis. Because it's impractical to carry around a car seat.

It did cross my mind to offer to walk back with her as it wasn't far but I thought me as a newbie to this group of people, offering to take a child back alone might have looked a bit weird. Plus it is becoming obvious that they do this sort of thing all the time.

OP posts:

SausageSizzle · 01/11/2021 17:28

For anyone who finds themselves in this situation often, there is a compact booster seat called the mifold which is better than nothing. But it's aimed at bigger children than an 18 month old.

I've travelled in city centre taxis with my DC frequently (would alwaya try to avoid taxis on motorways) and always put them on their own seat. When they were too small for the seatbelt, I put their reins on and looped the seatbelt through the reins harness to secure them. That seemed safer than leaving them unsecured.

Original poster

Uriahsnose · 01/11/2021 17:28

@AngeloMysterioso

They’re forcing you to be responsible for the safety of someone else’s child, and that’s not right. If there’d been some awful accident and she’d been badly hurt or died, you’d have to live with that for the rest of your life- nobody should be putting you in that position.

I think I'd feel like killing myself to be honest, if that happened. Wouldn't most people.. It's too much risk and I won't be doing it again for definite now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Uriahsnose · 01/11/2021 17:30

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Family are babysitting, not with parent

Do the parents know the little one is travelling on laps? I'd want someone to tell me if they saw my dc in this situation.

It shows a serious lack of judgement on the "babysitters" part.

I don't think they'd care at all sadly.

One parent hasn't seen child in almost a year and other one, well I've never seen these people not have the baby with them rather than her other parent. Definitely with them all of every weekend anyway.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 01/11/2021 17:30

Did they ask you if you'd hold the kid or did they just tell it to sit on you?

Original poster

Uriahsnose · 01/11/2021 17:32

@pinkyredrose

Did they ask you if you'd hold the kid or did they just tell it to sit on you?

The latter. Does that make a difference do you think? A PP was right, I had got in first.

OP posts:

Iggly · 01/11/2021 17:35

@Bythemillpond

The seat belt is for you alone. The child then sits on your knee with you holding them.

No way should any one be travelling with young children or anyone on their knee with the seatbelt strapped round both people.

Even the smallest jerk of the car could result in fatal consequences.

I have no issue with people travelling with children on their knee in certain circumstances provided the seat belt is only around the adult

No issue in certain circumstances??? Jeez.

We once had a small accident where someone went into the back of our car. It was at a low speed but we did jerk forward and you can see how the seatbelts kept us in place. I dread to think how a toddler would have fared, on a lap, not restrained.

It sounds like lazy parenting OP - YANBU.

RestingPandaFace · 01/11/2021 17:41

Do t know if it’s already been suggested, but I’d get your partner to sound out the parents in case they don’t know. You could also perhaps buy a mifold seat as a Christmas present. They aren’t the safest out there but way better than nothing.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 01/11/2021 17:43

i don't like it at all to be honest. sad
But who am I as an outsider and a non-parent to judge that sad

It’s not really about “who am I to judge” - it’s more like “is this a bit of a dealbreaker?” For me it would be. But I basically can’t spend time with a family member because I think they are borderline negligent and it makes me too sad/I’ve said all I can say to them about it. I just wouldn’t be able to spend time with people like this I barely even knew. It’s a bad vibe in general.

Muchasgracias · 01/11/2021 17:50

I wouldn’t mind taking a family child on my knee in such a situation. They are as safe in yours as anyone’s else’s (not very safe at all, obvs, but it was apparently the only option).

I do understand your view, however, as it’s family and you presumably value the relationship, I wouldn’t say anything on the basis that the situation is probably not likely to arise again? Or if you all socialise regularly, with infant, needing taxis home, just don’t put yourself in the position where you’re on same taxi or left holding the baby.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/11/2021 17:58

Are the relatives the grandparents and your partners parents?

If so - is this the kind of grandparent you would want for your dc? I know its early doors in the relationship, but it's worth considering. As too is your partners opinion. It will show what their risk level is.

SpookyPumpkinPants · 01/11/2021 17:59

@Uriahsnose

Thanks all. I can catastrophise sometimes or be a bit of a 'worst case scenario' thinker.

Family are babysitting, not with parent.

Thanks about taxis, I didn't know.

FMD babysitting. I wonder if the parents know? If it was my child I'd be furious & it would be a cold day in hell before they had unsupervised contact again.

Oh & I would get a separate taxi, I would not be party to it & certainly not having her on my lap.

Definitely definitely never put a seatbelt around a child on your lap - it's pretty much certain death in a serious accident & quite likely or at least serious injury on a more minor one.

KisstheTeapot14 · 01/11/2021 18:00

You can ask when you ring for a taxi, many companies have a child seat at HQ, or sometimes carry a spare with them.

That's my experience of using taxis locally. I'm sure there was a rule to say child can only ride in a taxi without a seat if they were in areas of 30 mph, not on motorways etc. I may have imagined that! But it makes sense if it is a thing.

I agree with OP, parents should not be putting her in that position. It it was a regular thing I'd say something about not being comfortable with it.

MouseRoar · 01/11/2021 18:02

Here's a question for you, ok....What does your new partner think of the situation? Is this a person you may be planning a future and children of your own with? If so, his family could potentially be babysitters for your future child. Will your partner support your views about the way his family look after children?

[I am also prone to over thinking]

SpookyPumpkinPants · 01/11/2021 18:06

@RandomLondoner

Shouldn't the seat-belt the adult is wearing prevent them from being thrown forward?

No, being thrown forward (by gravity)!is what happens, the seatbelt stops you going through the windscreen!!

Whereismumhiding3 · 01/11/2021 18:07

I think you are quite right to say no and that you're not happy to have a child on your lap during taxi ride

It doesn't sound like it's legal either to do so.

They sprung this on you
Now you are pre warned I'd make it clear that you are not doing this again. She isn't your child and it put both you and her at risk. Car accidents do happen and you'd be the one physically hitting against the toddler - a situation you don't want to be nor a memory you'd want even at a low speed car accident

Goawaymorningsickeness · 01/11/2021 18:16

@Sally872

Not sure on the law but have small child on lap strapped in if no car seat. Not ideal but I think lap makes the child in a better position for seatbelt than on their own seat without carseat.

Obviously not ideal and car seat is best. I wouldn't say anything about child being on lap of their own parent, but yanbu to say not your lap.

This is extremely dangerous and should never be done.

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