to be annoyed he tells me he goes to work?

[iveleft40]

I've left H and currently trying to process wether my thoughts and feelings are valid or not.

So here's one of them.

H works in building and self employed. It's long days, very tiring, not the nicest when the weather is crap, very stressful.

And I understand this. I get it. He is absolutely excellent at what he does, I'd recommend him to anyone. His puts 100% in his jobs and never cuts corners.

I am a sahm. I my eldest dc (from a previous relationship) has autism and I gave up work a long time ago for that reason. H brings in a good wage and I get carers allowance for my son. Financially we are fine.

H is always telling me he goes to work and it was draining me.

If I ask him to help with anything he just says 'I've been at work, I'm tired' or something along those lines.

The minute he gets home from work he just sits on the sofa until he goes to bed. Usually has a shower then.

The football is on and that's it. He's always tired and always stressed.

On a morning there will always be little comments like 'let's see what stresses I have today then' or 'I'm going to have so much to do today'

It make me feel so small. Even though I work hard. The house is always spotless, I take care of absolutely everything else. He just goes to work.

He does not get me anything for my birthday every year as he doesn't have time. He will pop to the shop (once when I was in the car) to get me a card and that's it. It's like I don't deserve anything else.

I've tried to tell him how I feel but again all I get is 'I work hard, I'm stressed at work'

He's just always always moaning about how tired he is or how he doesn't feel well....but he has to go to work!

I suggest going back to work but he says I don't need too. And it would be difficult as there's only very limited hours I could work due to my son.

I've also suggested he change jobs but again he won't. Building is all he's ever known.

I've tried ignoring it but it gets me down, he makes me feel like I just don't matter and I'm just there to look after him. That's all I'm there for. I'm not loved. He doesn't show me affection.

He can ask me to rub his feet or his shoulders and I always did. But if I asked....you know what the response is. 'I've been at work, I'm too tired!'

He also can't stand it when I'm ill. I don't make a fuss, j just carry on if I can but I was recently put on antibiotics for a sinus infection and he didn't like it. Same when I had a kidney infection and he just had a bit of a cold.

This has been long, well done if you've read it all. I just need peoples thoughts on this

It's basically like he feels he is some sort of hero because he goes to work and puts food on the table. He wants me to treat him like a God all the time.

I feel worthless

Hes doing competitive tiredness and competitive hard-done-by-ness. Its very tedious

You've left him? Good! He provides you with nothing except money. It's going to be hard supporting yourself but I think it will be worth it.

@Peanutmnm

You've left him? Good! He provides you with nothing except money. It's going to be hard supporting yourself but I think it will be worth it.

Yes I've left. This is just one of many reasons. I'm going through them one by one. I start counselling next week which is much needed

Well he sounds like a whiny asshole who constantly moans and yet probably doesn't actually work very hard when at work. Does he employ others who do the actual labour?

Either way, he didn't respect you, didn't help you out at all, guessing you no longer loved him. Every reason to divorce him. Just make sure he doesn't sting you in the divorce since he is self employed. He will get paid a lot as a builder if he is any good, but being self employed he could fudge the amount so he can pay less child maintenance.

I'm also glad you've left him. He will always , ALWAYS , put his needs first.

Yes, your thoughts are valid.

Well it's ok now because you've left him and you can get a job if you want. You clearly felt unappreciated and you've taken action. Well done for being brave enough to know your worth.

Your marriage is over. You no longer work as a couple.
Why do you want randoms on the internet to say your DH was a dick. Maybe all you did was moan or maybe you were needy/cutting/lazy/whinging. Maybe he was lazy prick. We don't know.

I expect it was 50/50 - he worked and that was his world. He wasn't happy at home. You were home with your child, exhausting and lonely. When he came home neither of you got what you wanted>

Your job now is to move forward for you and your child and not to make things more difficult for a man you once loved, for yourself and for your child. Don't waste your energy.

he obviously doesnt get how tiring it is just parenting amd running a household. it IS a full time job but hes never had to do it so doesnt get that

It doesn’t sound like a partnership at all. He doesn’t value your contribution to the family, and he isn’t giving you the same support and affection he expect from you.

It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by leaving him

Well I’m sure he’ll find life easier now….oh wait he still has to work and now has a home to look after-
Well done OP- some people have no respect and you don’t need to surround yourself with them.

Been where you are.
You married him. If you think there's any chance of getting back the man you married then insist on counselling and try and crack this self absorbed shell of his. He sounds as deeply unhappy as you tbh but no tools to self reflect.
If you want out though then that's your perogative. And you're justified. But as self employed man he's going to be able to hide his earnings

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Well I’m sure he’ll find life easier now….oh wait he still has to work and now has a home to look after- Well done OP- some people have no respect and you don’t need to surround yourself with them.

Yes this ^^

You might get the odd snarky poster on here because some posters on mumsnet just dislike sahps, whatever the circumstances! It's really weird.

But, as a wohp, not doing anything in the home is not a choice many people get to make. Keeping a spotless home and doing all the housework and childcare is a job. This is why so many people pay a tonne for cleaners and childcare. If it wasn't a job, we wouldn't need to do that.

@RubyRedSlippers1 completely agree. I also need to remember that I am my sons carer. Today he is at home as he just couldn't go in today. He has autism and everything is just a challenge.

I don't sit at home watching this morning and loose women.

H could turn the tv off on a night and leave it on sky sports. He would come home from work the next day turn it on and the tv would still be on sky sports as I haven't sat down to watch it.

@PicaK

Been where you are. You married him. If you think there's any chance of getting back the man you married then insist on counselling and try and crack this self absorbed shell of his. He sounds as deeply unhappy as you tbh but no tools to self reflect. If you want out though then that's your perogative. And you're justified. But as self employed man he's going to be able to hide his earnings

He has said he will get counselling. It's the first time he has ever said he will get it. And also speak to a gp about medication.

However I'm not fooled. It could be and most probably is a way to get me back.

Actions speak louder than words so I'm staying put.

I genuinely hope he gets help. He is the way he is due to a traumatic childhood and other things in his adult life that we're out of his control. It all leads to the way he is.

Do you have children together?

How will he find the time and energy to see them?

Don’t take him back, he’s an arse. Well done for freeing yourself.
And don’t be fooled by his promises either.

@iveleft40 Hi, a few things perhaps.. stop spending your days cleaning the house and get a hobby, learn something new, maybe create a small side business.

Engage in positive communication with your husband.

Men are very simple creatures, sex & food.
He's happy to be the provider but what makes me happy is simple. He doesn't want to be adored or treated like a god, he might just want to be cared for without having to ask in the same he cares for you by working all the time and keeping a roof over your head.

From my point of view, working all the time can sometimes actually be selfish.

Your feelings are absolutely valid. Please don’t take him back - he definitely won’t change now - you’ve pressed the nuclear button and left, which is absolutely the right thing to do. But if you go back on it, it’ll tell him you’re not serious, even if he claims he’ll change.

Make a life without him - he’ll have to pay maintenance and take some of the time looking after your child.

Men are very simple creatures, sex & food.
He's happy to be the provider but what makes me happy is simple. He doesn't want to be adored or treated like a god, he might just want to be cared for without having to ask in the same he cares for you by working all the time and keeping a roof over your head.

^^
Please ignore this as it’s 100% bullshit

He’s not caring for you at all at the moment and your instinct on this is sound

I think you need to look to the future rather than rehearsing the past. He wasn’t giving you what you needed. Your decision to end it is the right one. Start planning for the future.

I say this because I think this isn’t your first or second post about this. Are you having doubts? If so, think these through and let people help you practically move forward. Atm you are in danger of going back to the past in every way.

Nobody ends a marriage without good reason. But we often go back to ex’s without good reason. Don’t fall into the familiarity trap.

Men are very simple creatures, sex & food

You do men a disservice if you suggest this is all they need.

Also many women are providers but still cook,clean and manage to show enough respect for a partner by acknowledging birthdays. Only lazy partners believe that all they have to do is pay the mortgage and their partner should be grateful for that.

Op, it's natural to have post separation regrets but your Ex wasn't interested in meeting your needs or trying to make you feel valued. Work is important to many of us and it can be stressful but it isn't an excuse to drop any responsibilities at home. It sounds as if he wanted a mum or house servant rather than a partner.

[quote Champersandchocolate]@iveleft40 Hi, a few things perhaps.. stop spending your days cleaning the house and get a hobby, learn something new, maybe create a small side business.

Engage in positive communication with your husband.

Men are very simple creatures, sex & food.
He's happy to be the provider but what makes me happy is simple. He doesn't want to be adored or treated like a god, he might just want to be cared for without having to ask in the same he cares for you by working all the time and keeping a roof over your head. [/quote]
Ugh. Really?

No OP, you don't have to dance round him providing sex and food and make yourself a bit more interesting by getting yourself a little hobby. You can rightly tell him to fuck off for doing nothing but working and whining about it.

I love sex and food but I also appreciate a partner that works WITH me to keep our relationship functioning and happy.