to be annoyed he tells me he goes to work?

[iveleft40]

I've left H and currently trying to process wether my thoughts and feelings are valid or not.

So here's one of them.

H works in building and self employed. It's long days, very tiring, not the nicest when the weather is crap, very stressful.

And I understand this. I get it. He is absolutely excellent at what he does, I'd recommend him to anyone. His puts 100% in his jobs and never cuts corners.

I am a sahm. I my eldest dc (from a previous relationship) has autism and I gave up work a long time ago for that reason. H brings in a good wage and I get carers allowance for my son. Financially we are fine.

H is always telling me he goes to work and it was draining me.

If I ask him to help with anything he just says 'I've been at work, I'm tired' or something along those lines.

The minute he gets home from work he just sits on the sofa until he goes to bed. Usually has a shower then.

The football is on and that's it. He's always tired and always stressed.

On a morning there will always be little comments like 'let's see what stresses I have today then' or 'I'm going to have so much to do today'

It make me feel so small. Even though I work hard. The house is always spotless, I take care of absolutely everything else. He just goes to work.

He does not get me anything for my birthday every year as he doesn't have time. He will pop to the shop (once when I was in the car) to get me a card and that's it. It's like I don't deserve anything else.

I've tried to tell him how I feel but again all I get is 'I work hard, I'm stressed at work'

He's just always always moaning about how tired he is or how he doesn't feel well....but he has to go to work!

I suggest going back to work but he says I don't need too. And it would be difficult as there's only very limited hours I could work due to my son.

I've also suggested he change jobs but again he won't. Building is all he's ever known.

I've tried ignoring it but it gets me down, he makes me feel like I just don't matter and I'm just there to look after him. That's all I'm there for. I'm not loved. He doesn't show me affection.

He can ask me to rub his feet or his shoulders and I always did. But if I asked....you know what the response is. 'I've been at work, I'm too tired!'

He also can't stand it when I'm ill. I don't make a fuss, j just carry on if I can but I was recently put on antibiotics for a sinus infection and he didn't like it. Same when I had a kidney infection and he just had a bit of a cold.

This has been long, well done if you've read it all. I just need peoples thoughts on this

I dont get why some men think that when they have a stay at home parent at home it means they literally have to do nothing. Even in a flat share with a cleaner you still had to do some things for yourself. But because they go to work they think that 100% of everything else in their life is outsourced. Its shit, presumably if they were single or their partner worked they would be able to cook a meal and pick up their own socks, it's not physically impossible for them, they just choose not to because someone else will

I am also a fan of sex and food who would very much like to fuck all except go to work and come home. Sadly, I live in reality where there is stuff to do other than work. Luckily dh resides here in reality also.

Please ignore the misogynist bullshit above. You have just as much right to feel cared for as he does and it sounds like you’ve been working really hard to try and keep everyone happy. Even if he’s tired he could still show you love and affection, compliment you, appreciate what you do for him, make a bit of effort to get you a birthday present even if he orders it online etc. I bet he gets birthday presents from you.

He might work hard and pay the bills but that doesn’t give him permission to treat you like a paid domestic slave. I think you are better off without him.

Pretty common attitude amongst single bread winners. Especially males in construction.
Anecdotally, as someone that's been employing in construction and related trades for over 25 years at least half of them barely lift a finger when the get home after work. Quite often bragging about it to colleagues. Usually the ones that call them on it are the ones with partners that work...

I'd never stand for it myself. They're invariably arse holes.
Glad you've left him

The good news is that despite how hard it sometimes is being a lone parent, you have the satisfaction of everything you achieve, being YOUR achievment and there are days when you can be really proud of yourself for that reason.

The down side are the days when you get really fed up of taking the bin out by yourself...and the responsiblity feels like too much and you just feel like running away...

However, you will find that once he is gone and you have made that step to be the captain of the ship, the deadweight of livinng with someone who actually not only doesn't care about you, not only doesn't help you in any way, or encourage you in your efforts in life,,,the deadweight of that falls away and life is actually much easier without them.

Then you are FREE.

[quote Champersandchocolate]@iveleft40 Hi, a few things perhaps.. stop spending your days cleaning the house and get a hobby, learn something new, maybe create a small side business.

Engage in positive communication with your husband.

Men are very simple creatures, sex & food.
He's happy to be the provider but what makes me happy is simple. He doesn't want to be adored or treated like a god, he might just want to be cared for without having to ask in the same he cares for you by working all the time and keeping a roof over your head. [/quote]
Seriously?! What an incredibly sexist post!

In my experience, men are not 'simple creatures' at all, they are all individuals with complex emotions and needs.

My DH wants much more from me than a cook/shag partner, we're in an equal partnership - that's the norm. What you're suggesting is sexist bollocks.

The 1950s called, they want their attitude back.

Plenty of people are in busy and stressful jobs - but it doesn’t give you a free pass to do nothing else at home or ignore your spouse’s birthday.

I think the fact that he makes you feel small is the biggest takeaway here. Your spouse shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself, you’re meant to be a team. And you’ve tried to talk to him about it and he shuts you down. I don’t know what else you could be doing. It’s completely understandable that you had enough.

@MrsColon I don't intend to be sexist.
I have a very balanced marriage and I was just simply putting a point across that maybe her Husband would be more enthusiastic about things if there was more intimacy rather then her whinging about not being praised for cleaning the house.

A marriage isn't just about a woman cleaning the house and looking after children all day long. I think it works well for both parties having their own lives and coming together for intimacy.
Which makes everyone feel better!!!

My husband has always supported my ventures and encouraged me to have my own life and we come together when we want to be intimate and he's happy with that, we also enjoy all other things, dinners sport, watching tv together etc

But literally the only thing I do for him is spend intimate time together 🤣 easier than doing his washing and he'd rather I be that way lol.

And he does absolutely everything for me, more than I ever do for him, I never have to worry about anything financially or physically.

But maybe we work so well because we do have a loving marriage and solid foundations, something the OP may not have anymore..

You are worthy of love
You are worthy of respect
You are worthy of kindness
You are worthy of affection
You are worthy of happiness
You are worthy of contentment.
You are worthy OP

@beigebrownblue

The good news is that despite how hard it sometimes is being a lone parent, you have the satisfaction of everything you achieve, being YOUR achievment and there are days when you can be really proud of yourself for that reason.

The down side are the days when you get really fed up of taking the bin out by yourself...and the responsiblity feels like too much and you just feel like running away...

However, you will find that once he is gone and you have made that step to be the captain of the ship, the deadweight of livinng with someone who actually not only doesn't care about you, not only doesn't help you in any way, or encourage you in your efforts in life,,,the deadweight of that falls away and life is actually much easier without them.

Then you are FREE.

Agree 100%

You might be married to a simple man @Champersandchocolate, thankfully I’m not. My DH has far more wide reaching interests than just sex and food, and my interests are more than just being financially provided for.
OP I think leaving him was a good step. Apart from anything else, he sounds dull if all he talks about is how tired he is and all he does with his spare time is watch sky sports news.

@Champersandchocolate "I don't intend to be sexist" - patronising and blinkered? Ignorant and insulting? You're basically telling a woman that her only worth is to provide sex and food with a side of cleaning thrown in. But you know I'd like to see someone like you (or even you) on every thread because its good to see that there are really women/men/whatever who truly believe this shit.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I don’t know that he will, the child is from OP previous marriage.

He sounds overwhelmed and tired and so afraid of doing more than he does. It's unfair because this puts an unfair burden onto you in terms of not being able to ever have a break or put you first ever. He's become greedy through focusing on the things in his life he lacks.

I don't know exactly what the solution is. Perhaps give him lots of the things he loves which are really easy in the hope that he'll start to feel more thankful and appreciative over what he has. However if he just grasps onto these things greedily and starts pushing for more you are going to need to withdraw things in order to build up his endurance and reliance on being comfortable.

@StaplesCorner Maybe I just enjoy being intimate with my husband and it just so happens that it makes him happy 😂

If it got to the point where he was whinging about being tired and drummed into a television then I'd be doing anything I can to get him to be less tired and engage...

But I guess the OP has decided that there is no trying in her marriage anymore and that's fine.

If it got to the point where he was whinging about being tired and drummed into a television then I'd be doing anything I can to get him to be less tired and engage...

Maybe he could do something about it himself?

Sounds like you've absolutely done the right thing leaving him!

He complains that he works for money and you don't but won't let you work for money. I say for money because being a SAHP is hard work! He's putting you in an impossible situation and the only way for you to take control is to leave the situation. And you have. Well done!

[quote Champersandchocolate]@MrsColon I don't intend to be sexist.
I have a very balanced marriage and I was just simply putting a point across that maybe her Husband would be more enthusiastic about things if there was more intimacy rather then her whinging about not being praised for cleaning the house.

A marriage isn't just about a woman cleaning the house and looking after children all day long. I think it works well for both parties having their own lives and coming together for intimacy.
Which makes everyone feel better!!!

My husband has always supported my ventures and encouraged me to have my own life and we come together when we want to be intimate and he's happy with that, we also enjoy all other things, dinners sport, watching tv together etc

But literally the only thing I do for him is spend intimate time together 🤣 easier than doing his washing and he'd rather I be that way lol.

And he does absolutely everything for me, more than I ever do for him, I never have to worry about anything financially or physically.

But maybe we work so well because we do have a loving marriage and solid foundations, something the OP may not have anymore..[/quote]
I do not whinge about cleaning the house! I never ever whinge at him full stop.

How very rude of you.

Can you get a cleaner OP? How many children do you have?

Maybe he needs to employ someone else too is that an option?

Ach would you ever give over @Champersandchocolate?

She's in the process of leaving her dp and is a carer for her dc with ASD. Nobody needs to hear about your sex life with your dh on this thread. Read the room and be a bit less tone deaf.

Sounds to me that his job is too much for him, either physically, particularly if he's getting older or is less fit, or mentally if he gets stressed. However, given your attempts to share the load by offering to work were rejected, and he wouldn't consider another job, there's not a lot that could be done. It must have been very draining for you to live with him, and its understandable you left.

A whiny man-child, well done for leaving him. Lots of people work & run a household at the same time! I worked in the public sector for 20 yrs & worked shifts, including long nights & still did the shopping, dog walking, washing etc. He seems to think he's a super hero. He isn't. You'll feel better that you've got rid x

I'm going to share a post from the brilliant @RealityIsMyOnlyValentine

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

[quote Champersandchocolate]@MrsColon I don't intend to be sexist.
I have a very balanced marriage and I was just simply putting a point across that maybe her Husband would be more enthusiastic about things if there was more intimacy rather then her whinging about not being praised for cleaning the house.

A marriage isn't just about a woman cleaning the house and looking after children all day long. I think it works well for both parties having their own lives and coming together for intimacy.
Which makes everyone feel better!!!

My husband has always supported my ventures and encouraged me to have my own life and we come together when we want to be intimate and he's happy with that, we also enjoy all other things, dinners sport, watching tv together etc

But literally the only thing I do for him is spend intimate time together 🤣 easier than doing his washing and he'd rather I be that way lol.

And he does absolutely everything for me, more than I ever do for him, I never have to worry about anything financially or physically.

But maybe we work so well because we do have a loving marriage and solid foundations, something the OP may not have anymore..[/quote]
So she should have more sex with him, as if that will make him less of a dickhead?! There's nothing less sexy than an entitled arsehole, slobbing about the house and sitting on his arse whilst his wife/partner does everything. My fanny would clamp shut in self-defence.

Also - OP never says she whinges to him - you totally made that up to make yourself look like less of a dick.

Soz - you still look like a dick.

OP - ignore this patronising shite, your complaints are totally valid. Well done for leaving him.

I do not whinge about cleaning the house! I never ever whinge at him full stop.

How very rude of you.

Ignore her OP she’s spouting absolute bollocks.