to be annoyed he tells me he goes to work?

[iveleft40]

I've left H and currently trying to process wether my thoughts and feelings are valid or not.

So here's one of them.

H works in building and self employed. It's long days, very tiring, not the nicest when the weather is crap, very stressful.

And I understand this. I get it. He is absolutely excellent at what he does, I'd recommend him to anyone. His puts 100% in his jobs and never cuts corners.

I am a sahm. I my eldest dc (from a previous relationship) has autism and I gave up work a long time ago for that reason. H brings in a good wage and I get carers allowance for my son. Financially we are fine.

H is always telling me he goes to work and it was draining me.

If I ask him to help with anything he just says 'I've been at work, I'm tired' or something along those lines.

The minute he gets home from work he just sits on the sofa until he goes to bed. Usually has a shower then.

The football is on and that's it. He's always tired and always stressed.

On a morning there will always be little comments like 'let's see what stresses I have today then' or 'I'm going to have so much to do today'

It make me feel so small. Even though I work hard. The house is always spotless, I take care of absolutely everything else. He just goes to work.

He does not get me anything for my birthday every year as he doesn't have time. He will pop to the shop (once when I was in the car) to get me a card and that's it. It's like I don't deserve anything else.

I've tried to tell him how I feel but again all I get is 'I work hard, I'm stressed at work'

He's just always always moaning about how tired he is or how he doesn't feel well....but he has to go to work!

I suggest going back to work but he says I don't need too. And it would be difficult as there's only very limited hours I could work due to my son.

I've also suggested he change jobs but again he won't. Building is all he's ever known.

I've tried ignoring it but it gets me down, he makes me feel like I just don't matter and I'm just there to look after him. That's all I'm there for. I'm not loved. He doesn't show me affection.

He can ask me to rub his feet or his shoulders and I always did. But if I asked....you know what the response is. 'I've been at work, I'm too tired!'

He also can't stand it when I'm ill. I don't make a fuss, j just carry on if I can but I was recently put on antibiotics for a sinus infection and he didn't like it. Same when I had a kidney infection and he just had a bit of a cold.

This has been long, well done if you've read it all. I just need peoples thoughts on this

Most of us work and have to be fully functioning adults. Working doesn't mean that laundry can be left, meals don't need cooking. He does not value your contribution because it is not work outside the home.

Let him crack on now his housekeeper has left ...

Thank you all. I realise my feelings are valid.

I'm feeling pretty low right now. My head is an absolute mess.

Roll on starting counselling

OP, you did the right thing by leaving. Stay strong and hang in there! It will be very very hard at first. You will second guess yourself a lot and doubt yourself. Those are normal feelings and will pass as time goes on.

*If you decide to take him back (and I mean you decide, not him pressuring you), make sure this decision to reconcile is done after several marriage counseling sessions AND individual sessions for both you and him. Don't fall into that trap of him saying he'll go to counseling, you take him back, then the same crap happens all over again.

Even if he works outside the home, he's still a dad and doesn't just get to avoid his parental duties. Many people, my husband and myself included, have childhood traumas and don't use that as an excuse to treat each other like servants or like crap. The adult thing to do is work on those issues prior to starting a family, not to have one then use that as an excuse to belittle your wife and treat her poorly.

Good luck to you and your kids.

@VillageOf8

OP, you did the right thing by leaving. Stay strong and hang in there! It will be very very hard at first. You will second guess yourself a lot and doubt yourself. Those are normal feelings and will pass as time goes on.

*If you decide to take him back (and I mean you decide, not him pressuring you), make sure this decision to reconcile is done after several marriage counseling sessions AND individual sessions for both you and him. Don't fall into that trap of him saying he'll go to counseling, you take him back, then the same crap happens all over again.

Even if he works outside the home, he's still a dad and doesn't just get to avoid his parental duties. Many people, my husband and myself included, have childhood traumas and don't use that as an excuse to treat each other like servants or like crap. The adult thing to do is work on those issues prior to starting a family, not to have one then use that as an excuse to belittle your wife and treat her poorly.

Good luck to you and your kids.

Thank you for that. The second guessing and doubting myself is the worst.

We are in contact however I have made it clear that i won't be coming back unless we have marriage counselling and he also has counselling it even then, I really don't want to come back.

I do however care for him. He has made a doctors appointment to be prescribed anti depressants which he absolutely needs.

In my mind we are still over. Ive left before and usually I would be back home by now after a talk and him promising he would be there more - in every sense.

He knows that this isn't the case this time.

I just hate causing hurt and upsetting other people. Even if they have done it to me over and over.

He sounds like a peach.

Do you have shared children together or just your one son?

Hi, a few things perhaps.. stop spending your days cleaning the house and get a hobby, learn something new, maybe create a small side business.

Engage in positive communication with your husband.

Men are very simple creatures, sex & food.
He's happy to be the provider but what makes me happy is simple. He doesn't want to be adored or treated like a god, he might just want to be cared for without having to ask in the same he cares for you by working all the time and keeping a roof over your head

Utter Bollocks

OP ignore the 1970s throwback, you are not happy, put you first.

Perhaps the real question here is - is he actually too tired to do anything when he gets home, or is it an excuse because he doesn't want to engage?

What's he like on long weekends or holidays when he's actually had a bit of sleep?

@violetbunny

Perhaps the real question here is - is he actually too tired to do anything when he gets home, or is it an excuse because he doesn't want to engage?

What's he like on long weekends or holidays when he's actually had a bit of sleep?

I'd say it's both. He genuinely does work extremely hard on jobs. Like I said in my op. he's a top class builder in our area. Very in demand.

And tbh, with covid it's been very stressful. Everyone wants work doing on their homes. Everyone is doing home improvements. There's the areas of getting the materials as building merchants are struggling with supplies. There's just too much work on and not enough builders.

I'm not making excuses however that's what it's like atm. He has 5 different jobs on the go at the moment. It really is very stressful and I am aware of this.

But....this has been going on before covid. Maybe not as bad but it has.

I've asked him to make tea twice in the past 6 weeks as I've had a lot on with the dcs. He said yes but never bothered. I had some cereal before I went to bed.