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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend getting married in secret….I’ve found out.

58 replies

littlefireseverywhere · 31/10/2021 22:44

A good friend is getting married next week, they’re very introverted. Her DH has a large family so they’re just celebrating with family and potentially other friends but not me.

This is fine, I totally respect their decision to keep it quiet & small as they’ve not told me about it. But between what they’ve said and one of their family members closely hinting, I’ve worked out what’s happening.

I think I should keep quiet until they tell me in they’re own time shouldn’t I ?

OP posts:
Redglitter · 31/10/2021 22:47

No question about it - yes.

StrawBeretMoose · 31/10/2021 22:49

You should tell the close family member to stop their hinting. If they're dojng it to you they're probably hinting to others who might not be as discreet as you are.
If the family member is being a dick then tell your friend.

MrsToothyBitch · 31/10/2021 22:49

Yes.

Original poster
littlefireseverywhere · 31/10/2021 22:52

@StrawBeretMoose good point, I did say that I totally respected their decision to get married as they wished to the family member and that I’ll wait to be told, if I’m told. I think they were slightly disappointed.

OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 22:53

I think you should keep quiet.

I'm not sure I could/would.

Coronado2 · 31/10/2021 23:02

[quote littlefireseverywhere]@StrawBeretMoose good point, I did say that I totally respected their decision to get married as they wished to the family member and that I’ll wait to be told, if I’m told. I think they were slightly disappointed.[/quote]
I think you should tell your friend with this update actually. The family member may well be hinting to other people and your friend should know. Make it clear you are only letting her know because you respect her choice and her family member doesn't seem to.

Longdistance · 31/10/2021 23:09

Mum’s the word! 🤫

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2021 23:12

When I know something on the side so to speak, if I was to comment on it, I'd need another "official" sources that I can use to say if I needed to, where I heard x, as then it keeps my original source secret.

HideousKinky · 31/10/2021 23:28

My eldest DD is getting married in 3 weeks time. Only parents & siblings of the couple will be there. We are respecting their wishes and not telling their news to wider family/friends.

Yes, you should keep quiet until they tell you in their own time. The family member doing the hinting is out of order

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/10/2021 23:34

I would have to warn the bride that this person is "wink wink" hinting to the point of sky writing it so that the bride is prepared. Make it clear that you are happy for her and respect her decision, but you dont want anyone to get a cob on that they are not invited and kick off.

And yes I would tell her who!

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2021 00:21

Just stay out of it.

The bride doesn't need to know about the hinting. It's not like it's going to cause the wedding to be gate crashed.

rrhuth · 01/11/2021 00:25

I agree nothing to be gained by telling the friend anything, about the fact someone was hinting etc., just keep quiet.

All you will do by telling the bride anything is stir up trouble.

saraclara · 01/11/2021 00:29

Yes. If you tell the bride about the hinter, you will just cause her stress.

NiceGerbil · 01/11/2021 00:36

How close?

If proper close I'd call or say when met or watsapp saying. Omg congrats! X mentioned you getting married so exciting! Have a brilliant day so happy for you XXX

Or something!

If not proper close I'd not say anything and not be that interested anyway!

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2021 00:39

@NiceGerbil

How close?

If proper close I'd call or say when met or watsapp saying. Omg congrats! X mentioned you getting married so exciting! Have a brilliant day so happy for you XXX

Or something!

If not proper close I'd not say anything and not be that interested anyway!

But why would you do that when they've deliberately not told you themselves, because they want to keep it quiet?

I think that'd be an awful thing to do. It smacks a bit of "Ha ha, your secret's out".

NiceGerbil · 01/11/2021 00:46

Because between me and my close friends that would be the thing to do.

Any assumption that it would be meant or taken as you suggest is an assumption based I suppose on your own friendships.

JessieLongleg · 01/11/2021 00:47

It's silly to keep it a secret I would understand if people don't want everyone. It's very expensive, my dad tried to get me to invite more of his family and I told him how much extra it was person to sit down at the reception. He got it never pushed it again and had about 40 people. The only way to keep a wedding a secret is it to be mega small just handful of people.

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2021 00:50

@NiceGerbil

Because between me and my close friends that would be the thing to do.

Any assumption that it would be meant or taken as you suggest is an assumption based I suppose on your own friendships.

It actually isn't because this thread is about the Bride and Groom in the OP, not your friends or mine.

They have chosen not to tell the OP, so why would she spoil the secrecy for them?

I wouldn't do that to anyone, let alone a friend.

NiceGerbil · 01/11/2021 00:52

I suspect (though don't know them obv!) they wanted to sneak off really small quiet no fuss etc.

Then close family obv invited and started spiralling. And they're thinking FFS.

I think the couple would want to know someone is shooting their mouth off. Because I'd imagine the last thing they would want is word getting out like it is and friends etc wondering why secret etc etc.

I mean in real life how many couples actually think. Right we're getting married. What is the plan? Well darling let's do it in such a way as to confuse and upset some good friends / family...

I mean no one actually behaves like that outside soaps surely?

EmeraldShamrock · 01/11/2021 00:53

Of course say nothing.
I was shocked at people's response to a friend who had a secret wedding recently, some were livid they weren't told.
Why would you even think about saying something.

NiceGerbil · 01/11/2021 00:54

Well sure worra but given none of them know them all anyone can do is answer the question the OP asked.

And if they want it secret they need to know that it's out the bag so they know. I would want to know so I could say FFS and call friends and explain why not invited before they hear and don't know what to think etc.

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2021 00:55

@EmeraldShamrock

Of course say nothing. I was shocked at people's response to a friend who had a secret wedding recently, some were livid they weren't told. Why would you even think about saying something.
This ^^

I don't know why some people think their feelings are more important than the actual people whose wedding it is.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 01/11/2021 00:57

Family member = either proud parent who is bursting with the info, or lesser relative who’s shit stirring. Either way I think you’d be best off playing very dumb indeed and ignoring the whole thing.

TimeForTeaAndG · 01/11/2021 01:03

@WorraLiberty

Just stay out of it.

The bride doesn't need to know about the hinting. It's not like it's going to cause the wedding to be gate crashed.

Unlikely scenario but not beyond the realms of possibility if there are some over-bearing personalities in either family.
NiceGerbil · 01/11/2021 01:03

But why wouldn't you be happy for them?

OP only had hints.

Why would anyone assume that they have anything to be upset about?

Rather than yay nice one. And given secret they need to know about gossipy relative.

What if this gossip gets around and lots of their friends get impression everyone there but them? They wouldn't want that would they.