Friend getting married in secret….I’ve found out.

[littlefireseverywhere]

A good friend is getting married next week, they’re very introverted. Her DH has a large family so they’re just celebrating with family and potentially other friends but not me.

This is fine, I totally respect their decision to keep it quiet & small as they’ve not told me about it. But between what they’ve said and one of their family members closely hinting, I’ve worked out what’s happening.

I think I should keep quiet until they tell me in they’re own time shouldn’t I ?

Definitely a case of MYOB.
If they wanted you to know they'd have told me.
It has nothing to do with you.

Told you, not me. 🤣

@NiceGerbil

But why wouldn't you be happy for them?

OP only had hints.

Why would anyone assume that they have anything to be upset about?

Rather than yay nice one. And given secret they need to know about gossipy relative.

What if this gossip gets around and lots of their friends get impression everyone there but them? They wouldn't want that would they.

If the bride wanted the OP to 'be happy' they would have told them, this bride wants the OP to not know.

I feel like we're reading different OPS!

I read it that they don't want many there at all and don't want anyone to know who isn't invited because avoids fuss (op makes point they are introverted for a reason I assume).

Rather than they specifically don't want op personally to know!

And the fact this person is letting cat out of bag surely they need to be aware of.

Because no it's not about OP. It's about them. And the fact their secret quiet wedding is not being kept secret. And rather than assuming that it's personal to OP. Assume they are nice normal people who won't want this gossip relative causing people they like/ love to wonder what the problem is.

I would be really pissed off if I found out later that my mates had been wondering what they'd done wrong due to this relative. When the intention was only to avoid a lot of fuss.

Wedding threads on here are just not how things go in my circles.

Crikey that's strong!

On... Everything? Are you certain? Even the baby name threads?

I always post what I think. I don't know OP or mates. With my close friends, that is what I would think. Different people feel differently. That's all fine. OP reads views and relates to the actual situation. Nothing to get worked up about!

OP sorry that was a random derail.

I'd at least consider saying to the hinter that you think he needs to put a sock in it. In a tactful way obv. Sounds like you see this person from time to time. They are being really out of line.

@NiceGerbil

I feel like we're reading different OPS!

I read it that they don't want many there at all and don't want anyone to know who isn't invited because avoids fuss (op makes point they are introverted for a reason I assume).

Rather than they specifically don't want op personally to know!

And the fact this person is letting cat out of bag surely they need to be aware of.

Because no it's not about OP. It's about them. And the fact their secret quiet wedding is not being kept secret. And rather than assuming that it's personal to OP. Assume they are nice normal people who won't want this gossip relative causing people they like/ love to wonder what the problem is.

I would be really pissed off if I found out later that my mates had been wondering what they'd done wrong due to this relative. When the intention was only to avoid a lot of fuss.

I agree.

The OP has made it quite clear that she has no issue with the secrecy, no issue with not being invited, genuinely has no axe to grind.

But clearly someone is not keeping the secret that they (presumably) promised to keep either out of malice or excitement. Whichever it is, we can be sure that the OP isnt the only person who will have been "hinted" at and therefore not the only person who has joined up the dots. Not everyone will be as accepting, people being as they are. The couple were probably hoping to announce their marriage later or maybe even not at all, their marital status is only their business after all.

Their choice is not being honoured by someone they trust and that could cause them a lot of anxiety and stress if they suddenly get lots of people contacting them about a wedding that they thought no one knew about! Of course the OP should say something, whilst as I said above, making it clear that she is thrilled for them and absolutely respects their choice.

Frankly I would want to know that someone I chose to be one of a very small and trusted group had betrayed my trust.

@NiceGerbil

Because between me and my close friends that would be the thing to do.

Any assumption that it would be meant or taken as you suggest is an assumption based I suppose on your own friendships.

Why would that be the thing to do? I feel like you've misunderstood this!

If someone is obviously and deliberately keeping something quiet from you, you don't then message them and say "ooh I heard this!!!"

You keep quiet.

@NiceGerbil

I feel like we're reading different OPS!

I read it that they don't want many there at all and don't want anyone to know who isn't invited because avoids fuss (op makes point they are introverted for a reason I assume).

Rather than they specifically don't want op personally to know!

And the fact this person is letting cat out of bag surely they need to be aware of.

Because no it's not about OP. It's about them. And the fact their secret quiet wedding is not being kept secret. And rather than assuming that it's personal to OP. Assume they are nice normal people who won't want this gossip relative causing people they like/ love to wonder what the problem is.

I would be really pissed off if I found out later that my mates had been wondering what they'd done wrong due to this relative. When the intention was only to avoid a lot of fuss.

I'm on the same page as you with this, @NiceGerbil - if the B&G are keeping it secret to avoid upsetting their friends, then they're not going to be happy if an invitee is purposely heavily hinting to said friends, just to see their reaction!

If it were me, I'd rather I knew my friends were being hinted to, so I could pre-empt any further issues by contacting them all to let them know what was happening, and that only (for example) 4 mates were invited, 2 each and that's all they could cater for.

I think, by the way, that what said close family member is doing is disgraceful behaviour. Maybe THEY're disappointed that it's not a grand splash of a wedding, but it's not up to them!

I'd stay out of it and keep schtum. Not your business or your secret and you run the risk of being swept up in it all.

Hinter is a shit stirrer - we would probably do similar to your friends, my DP would be utterly perplexed by the idea anyone would care about it.

Just be happy for them when/if they announce it.

@Billandben444

I'd stay out of it and keep schtum. Not your business or your secret and you run the risk of being swept up in it all.

Totally agree. Its not the Ops job to police the stirrer and actually if she does tell the BF she knows,has fallen for the manipulation tactics. The stirrer is likely to deny all. Your friend wanted a secret wedding, keep it secret.

I agree with everyone saying not to say anything to the bride.

Somehow you will end up being blamed for spreading it around.

Of course you shouldn’t say anything. In fact, I don’t understand why you would say anything.

I'm not sure on this. On the one hand, if you knew nothing else would get out and the B&G would never know people had been told/hinted to, then I don't see any gain from informing them. On the other hand, telling them what the gossip has mentioned could allow them to nip it in the bud now. I don't think either way is right or wrong.

Tell the hunter to wind their neck in and don't mention it to the bride. They will tell everyone in their own time

Of course you have to keep quiet. It's got nothing to do with you!

@PyongyangKipperbang

I would have to warn the bride that this person is "wink wink" hinting to the point of sky writing it so that the bride is prepared. Make it clear that you are happy for her and respect her decision, but you dont want anyone to get a cob on that they are not invited and kick off.

And yes I would tell her who!

The bride may shot the messenger.

Why on earth would you mention it? Let them get on with their wedding in the way they prefer, and congratulate them if/when they tell you.

I’m a bit surprised by the answers on here. I think it depends on the level of friend - if it was actually a v close friend I would be quite surprised and hurt they hadn’t trusted me with the secret! People are obviously entitled to their secrets but it’s a bit silly/exclusive IMO to be planning a wedding and not telling close friends even if they aren’t invited (which is of course fine)

In this situation I sent my friend a message asking if she was getting married in secret.

After she said yes she was, I arranged for her mum to take a card and gift from us.

There was no ‘why haven’t I been invited’ just done well wishes.