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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

There isn’t always an OW

89 replies

BobLemon · 31/10/2021 16:34

Clearly inspired by a recent thread, where there was a barrage of “he’s cheating” posts right away, I wanted to pop some ONS statistics here.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2021 20:06

@Larryyourwaiter

If I think about every single person I know who has divorced, I can think of only one where there was another person involved (it was the woman with the man actually.

That you know of. Astoundingly I didn't broadcast my eXH's news everywhere

TheFlyHalfsMum · 31/10/2021 20:10

You think those stats represent what actually happens? In order to have adultery as the reason don’t you have to name the other Perry to the affair?

Certainly my first marriage broke down due to adultery, but we got the divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Not an unusual position I would guess.

thepeopleversuswork · 31/10/2021 20:11

But the fact someone hasn't cited adultery as grounds for divorce doesn't mean there's been no cheating. Divorce on the grounds of behaviour/separation are much easier than adultery and unreasonable behaviour could include adultery. Plus this assumes that adultery is sufficient to be named on divorce papers when a lot of the adultery that takes place in marriages or long-term partnerships never surfaces officially.

Not saying you're necessarily wrong but that data proves nothing.

Cocomarine · 31/10/2021 20:12

@Larryyourwaiter

If I think about every single person I know who has divorced, I can think of only one where there was another person involved (it was the woman with the man actually.

Not everyone wants to talk about it. Especially when they’re going for, “mummy and daddy just grew apart” to their children, and don’t want to risk them over hearing others talking.

Cocomarine · 31/10/2021 20:15

@TheFlyHalfsMum

You think those stats represent what actually happens? In order to have adultery as the reason don’t you have to name the other Perry to the affair?

Certainly my first marriage broke down due to adultery, but we got the divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Not an unusual position I would guess.

You actually don’t have to name them if your spouse with accept them petition. It’s recommended not to, as then the named party also has to receive some legal document (IIRC) so it just cause cost and possible complication. You definitely don’t have to name them - in my case, the other women all had working names like “BigTits69” so would have been tricky 😭

AvocadoAndToast · 31/10/2021 20:16

No adultery option in law for same sex divorces! Crazy, huh.
Every marriage breakdown I know of has involved OW/OM regardless of what officially gets cited on the the divorce papers.

HippeePrincess · 31/10/2021 20:17

There was adultery in my marriage however it's hard to prove, you have to name them and it's more hassle so we went with unreasonable behaviour.

Larryyourwaiter · 31/10/2021 20:17

I do know why my friends are divorced! There’s been quite a few where alcohol has been involved and gambling.
I know 2 couples who just agreed to split up and are great friends as well (ex husband gave my friend away at second wedding years later).

TheFlyHalfsMum · 31/10/2021 20:18

Sorry @Cocomarine 😢 what a barrel of shot to go through.

My memory is poor, it’s all a long time ago! But I was definitely advised divorce for adultery not wise!

StopGo · 31/10/2021 20:19

@BobLemon

Clearly inspired by a recent thread, where there was a barrage of “he’s cheating” posts right away, I wanted to pop some ONS statistics here.

My ExH cheated on me with another man. Adultery wasn't an option. I had to evidence his unreasonable behaviour and sex with a man didn't cut it. Lies or statistics take your choice.

lunar1 · 31/10/2021 20:20

Unreasonable behaviour is the easiest and quickest way to get a divorce and no proof is needed.

JacquelineCarlyle · 31/10/2021 20:23

My mum cited unreasonable behaviour when she divorced my dad but he was definitely having an affair and that's why she divorced him after over 30 years of marriage. I've no idea why it was UB rather than adultery but it was, so I don't believe those stats reflect reality at all (as a friend of mine did the same).

anon12345678901 · 31/10/2021 20:25

Yep my divorce was under unreasonable behaviour as he wouldn't admit cheating despite living with OW.

CrackersDontMatter · 31/10/2021 20:26

Mine was 2 years separation but there was very much another woman.

KylieKoKo · 31/10/2021 20:28

Dps ex cheated on him but they just went for two years separation. I think a lot of people do this.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 31/10/2021 20:28

I divorced mine for unreasonable behaviour but we split due to his infidelity

HtPri · 31/10/2021 20:32

I also know people who put adultery as the divorce reason even when it wasn't to get the divorce through faster and it worked as both were amicable and agreed

Longdistance · 31/10/2021 20:33

YABU as when it goes through the solicitor the other person may not agree with adultery and goes under unreasonable behaviour or irreconcilable differences.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 31/10/2021 20:59

I agree that there isn’t always another woman and I also don’t think these statistics are reflective.

What I do think is largely true is that when a relationship has truly broken down you realise because you fancy/notice other people and so even if there isn’t someone else yet, most men who leave a marriage are ready to start dating again pretty soon and may well have someone else in mind already.

Fwiw I met my partner less than a year after he split with his wife. There definitely was no another woman and he genuinely believes she was faithful too, even though she had a new boyfriend weeks later and moved him in within months. Sometimes relationships have been over for a long time before the split and new partners are found quickly.

Sideorderofchips · 31/10/2021 21:01

Erm my ex husband was shagging my now ex best mate behind my back for 2 years. I'm going for a one year with agreement because it's fucking cheaper and done quicker because she refuses to accept it was adultery 🙄

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 31/10/2021 21:02

Sorry OP, those stats don’t mean a thing.

My best friend is a family solicitor and 15 years’ experience has taught her men VERY rarely divorce/leave their wives without another woman waiting in the wings ready to do all the mental load/emotional labour.

Friend also says men care more about getting the TV than having 50% custody of their kids.

BananaPB · 31/10/2021 21:04

I didn't cite adultery even though it was the cause because I didn't want to make things combative. Lawyers often recommend something else too

RudestLittleMadam · 31/10/2021 21:07

Those stats don’t prove anything Lots of people cite unreasonable behaviour as the reason for divorce because citing adultery can make it all drag out and “proving it” is harder than you’d think, or so I’m told.

You’re right though, there’s not always another woman. Doubt that’s massively comforting for the spouse who is devastated by their marriage breaking down.

MsAwesomeDragon · 31/10/2021 21:15

My sister's marriage ended due to adultery. There was definitely an om, but it was easier to use unreasonable behaviour on the actual divorce papers. Mainly because if he divorced her for adultery he had to pay for it, whereas if she divorced him for unreasonable behaviour she could claim legal aid (it was quite a long time ago, not sure if she would still be able to).

I don't know any men who've left their wives without then moving in with a new woman very quickly. I know a lot of women who have left their husbands and remained single for a long period of time. Whether that means all the men had affairs, or something else is debatable, but it is a trend when marriages end.

isthismylifenow · 31/10/2021 21:15

Here in my country we cannot divorce due to adultery. It is called irretrievable breakdown or irretrievable differences, adultery would fall under that category, but so would being seperated for more than a year, for whatever reason.

When I was divorced I had to go to court and face the judge in high court. (not in UK). We had to give him 3 reasons why we wished to divorce. I was number 79 of that morning, and every single person said the same thing for number 1, which was there was a breakdown in communication. Most were communication issues, the love was lost, lack of respect.

That was my 3 along with about 70 people saying similar. I bet loads wanted to just say he or she were a cheating bag of shite.

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