There isn’t always an OW

[BobLemon]

Clearly inspired by a recent thread, where there was a barrage of “he’s cheating” posts right away, I wanted to pop some ONS statistics here.

My marriage ended because of adultery but I filed unreasonable behaviour.

DHs first marriage ended because of his exWs unreasonable behaviour but their divorce was on grounds of adultery which I suppose it technically was although he didn’t start any other relationship until 9 months after he left her.

I don’t think there is always someone else, and I don’t think there being someone else means that the marriage would have been okay without the OW/OM. I do think in most couples one or the other will be unfaithful at some point.

Married and divorced twice due to my spouses' infidelities. Both times I cited unreasonable behaviour as it's far easier than getting them to admit to being cheating lying asshats!

Sorry but your statistics don’t prove your point. Unreasonable behaviour can include OW/OM.

I’m divorcing with consent after 2 years. There was an OW.

There’s not always an OW … they don’t always follow ‘the script’… but when it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck etc etc

Nobody admits to it. They wait the two years

Says are meaningless. Most people divorce for unreasonable behaviour because it’s easier. Doesn’t mean that there was another OW.

My solicitor advised me to consider filing for UR even when I told her my husband had admitted to adultery. I refused. Her reasoning was that UR was much easier to get through for some strange reason.

For all the reasons listed there could be someone else for either or both parties.

Two years separation is normal in my social circles where parties got married in their 20s and then both moved on with someone else in 30s/40s.

With 5 years separation it isn't rare for one party to refuse the other a divorce as a form of control.

The first time I heard about someone doing it I was in my 20s and it was a woman doing it to a man. (To be fair she was richer than him so worried he could get her assets even though they had been separated long enough for her to have tried to sort it out.)

Then every few years a heard of other cases. In some cases the person refusing the divorce doesn't give a shit that their spouse has gone on to have children with someone else they just won't let them divorce them. This includes cases where there are absolutely no assets to divide up.

Funny how so often the DW don’t know there was a problem in the first place. Or how those men haven’t made many attempts at sorting the issues out.

Sure it's the the DW who made no attempt to sort the problem out, as they didn't think there was one? More fundamentally, if the DW was the problem, then she would have to be the one to fix it. Trying to fix someone else's divorce-worthy behaviour is not something that works very often.

If the DW does not want to have sex, engages in domestic violence or is financially abusive, any of those is a good reason for divorce, don't see what the DH can do to fix any of them. The DW will in all those scenarios be convinced she hasn't done anything wrong.

My ex's "new relationship" was listed as just one example of his unreasonable behaviour.

Agreed with others about it being much easier to cite unreasonable behaviour than adultery. Not sure if it is the same everywhere, but of the males I know who have cheated, almost all of them have not left for the OW, but wanted to save their marriage/ relationship. It has been their partner that has refused and asked them to leave. I only personally know a few women who have cheated and they have chosen to leave of their own accord. I am talking long term relationships not just a few months in all of these

Divorced ex DH for adultery. Solicitor said it was very unusual

Most divorces are initiated by women but it's men who typically don't leave a relationship without another woman to go to.

Apart from all the other good points, without breakdown by sex that data doesn't tell you much

Sorry but your statistics don’t prove your point.

This. I only found out for definite that exH was cheating when we were separated. Because he's too thick to do enough maths with dates to fool me. Why would anyone file for cheating when there are much easier ways to get rid? I wouldn't have bothered.

Unreasonable behaviour covers a multitude including an OW or OM
People just log that since easier

Those statistics are meaningless!
I divorced my husband for serial use of prostitutes. As it happens I did go for Adultery… which was actually against my solicitor’s advice, she said she rarely did them (as borne out by those stats!) because it tended to be emotive for no real purpose. She said most cases of infidelity the petitioner chose UB.

Unreasonable Behaviour is the easiest way to get a divorce passed - other reasons can be contested and adultry often is (especially by wealthy people) as it can prevent you from applying for certain senior jobs that require public confidence. I would argue that the majority of the UB divorces are probably adultry or domestic violence related to help them pass quicker.

My Ex committed adultery but everything I read said that there is no point going down this route for divorce unless there is evidence (photos/videos of intercourse or the ow is pregnant) so used unreasonable behaviour (of which there was a great deal).

My solicitor told me divorcing for adultery is discouraged as it’s more straightforward to divorce for unreasonable behaviour and that’s why it’s relatively rare.

As I understand it ‘adultery’ is legally defined as being between a man and a woman. If someone has an affair with someone of the same sex — which happens more than many people realise — then it can’t technically be adultery even if it is unfaithfulness.

It is easier to get divorced for unreasonable behaviour than citing adultery. As told by my lawyer at the time.

Cheating spouses have usually already neutralised their poor behaviour by telling themselves that their deceit is necessary due to their partner's unreasonableness: "I'm a good person. I wouldn't normally do this but I was forced to as a result of your unreasonableness". It isn't much of a stretch to continue this logic out loud when it comes to divorce.

Those stats mean nothing. Most solicitors advise you to go for unreasonable behaviour even with an OW looming in the background. Its easier and costs less.

Not sure what point you're trying to make or why.

These statistics don’t necessarily reflect the reality. I know several couples who have divorced either under the two year separation or unreasonable behaviour, when in fact the man was having an affair.
In in my fifties now and I’ve never known a man leave his wife because he ‘wants to be on his own’. There’s always been men having affairs. I also have several female friends who have had affairs but never told their husbands, and they have remained in their marriages and are happy again with their husbands.

I think when your husband says he’s leaving you, it’s a very reasonable suspicion to have, that he’s having an affair.

Not every single couple obviously and I’m only speaking of the people I know.

Just echoing PPs I don't think this is a true reflection of reason for divorce at all.

For adultery you have to name the third party plus there's a time limit for citing it as a reason for divorce. So if they cheated, you took them back and then it inevitably didn't work out youd be out of the time window to put divorce on the forms.

If I think about every single person I know who has divorced, I can think of only one where there was another person involved (it was the woman with the man actually.