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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DMIL flexing.

69 replies

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 31/10/2021 11:28

Hi all, please tell me if IABU as I realise I could be.
DH has a brother (single) who lives out of town and they're not particularly close but get on ok. We live in the same town as DMIL(widowed 25 yrs) and visited her two weeks ago.
So, DBIL is coming into town mid week for 2 days, going back Friday morning. He's on his leave, DMIL is retired whilst we are both at work.

DMIL has asked if we can come over to hers one evening and used the words "do you not want to see your brother" on the phone to DH last night and sighed when he couldn't accept the invitationon on the spot without checking with me/our plans.
Issue is, DBIL hasn't been in contact with DH about coming over. He is welcome to ours but she always wants to be there when the brothers meet. Both in their late forties yet she treats them like kids. We've only ever had DBIL here by himself once and been to his once in 4 years and she wasn't pleased.
Since our last meet without her, when we went to visit DBIL she has eased communication with just me. Not too fussed as it was excessive to begin with.
Thing is, we visit her without him, she visits us without him and yet has an issue with us and him visiting each other without her.

What we're thinking is that we are a separate household and can't always run over to hers when DBIL decides to visit her, especially when he hasn't mentioned to DH and it's arranged more to suit themselves and we're expected to slot in. He could be with DMIL all day amd meet DH for drinks but she wouldn't like that.
Another option we thought of, is have them both come to us instead of us trekking to hers after work.

She's complained to DBIL that she sees DH less than when he wasn't married. She saw him more than before we got married in the first two years we were together as I initiated meets but had to cut down when we realised she was taking it as a given that we would spend most of our time with her and started inviting herself over and letting herself in with our spare key.
We all go to hers for Easter, her birthday, mother's day and Christmas is at DBIL's, so it's not like we never see each other.
UABU - Visit her.
UANBU - Don't visit, let him arrange a separate visit if he wants to see DH/us.

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 31/10/2021 11:35

I would just go, or just DH goes. Life is too short for this. She does sound controlling, jealous and bitter but the easiest thing is to have sympathy rather than fight against it. Don't be the bad guy she is keen to paint you as. Rise above it. She is probably lonely.

Squirrelblanket · 31/10/2021 11:40

I wouldn't take time off work, but can you (or just your husband) pop over for a couple of hours on one of the evenings? Assuming he wants to see his brother.

I know it's annoying being expected to slot in, especially when you're at work and they are not (this happens in my family too!) but I wouldn't use that as a reason not to go over just on principle. Again, assuming he wants to see his brother.

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 31/10/2021 11:59

On the basis of 'life being short for this', where does it end though?
I have a ex-collegue friend I saw on Friday after a while as we're both busy and her parting was, let's meet again next Friday.....
a sister who lives abroad decided last week that she's visiting and made girls night out plans involving me for New Years eve without asking.

Why is one expected to go along with it when said people don't consider others?

OP posts:

Cuntness · 31/10/2021 12:04

I'd make a point of seeing BIL without her to wind her up.

But I'm petty.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 31/10/2021 12:29

Yanbu but its not your fight.

What does your DH have to say about this?
Why doesnt he just arrange stuff directly with DB?

My mil has been "the matriarch" since she was 20 and has decidedly not enjoyed the fact her sons are adulting.
She behaves similar and ultimately she'd love for me to fuck off out of the picture so she can be alone with "her babies".

I do think with family you have to have a bit of give and take so I'd send him to the dinner alone: his family, his problem

With my own MIL I now take path of least resistance within my boundaries.
I dropped the rope and leave it to DH pretty much except when it causes more issues for me (financial or time)
e.g. left to his own devices

he plans nothing and she "expects to be entertained" so i made a list of things to do in london. Everytime she comes and looks expectantly i bring out the list and say pick one.
he will panic buy an £80 gift so i buy "nice stuff" in the sales and keep it to £30 ish
when she demands to be taken out to restaurants, I find and book something with set menu so she can't go rogue and order a £90 turbot main then only eat half

Beyond that he deals with her.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/10/2021 12:39

One thing I have learned as I have got older that even when siblings get on ok often they drift apart because they are just busy doing their own thing, and very often the only times they do meet up is when a parent is involved. I do occasionally think one day when I am gone how much will my DC stay in touch. I don't see it as controlling but more of an attempt to keep them in regular contact

JustLyra · 31/10/2021 12:43

I don’t see why it has to be either or.

See BIL without her sometimes and sometimes with her - she’ll like spending time with both of her sons together.

Fairyliz · 31/10/2021 13:02

Sorry but I think you are being totally unreasonable.
So she has one son who lives out of town so she sees him what monthly/six times a year/twice a year?
She saw your DH two weeks ago and has invited him/both of you around next week?

Can you really not see how a widow might want to see both her children together?

Have you got children? When they are adults will you not want to see them both if they are in the same area?

Last week I was taking some things to DD2 who lives 80 miles away. I asked DD1 who lives 40 miles from DD2 if she wanted to come over and we all went out for a lovely family meal. I really enjoyed it but clearly I was in the wrong wanting to see both DD's together.

VampireVicki · 31/10/2021 13:09

This sounds like triangulation to me.

I would try to increase contact between DH and his brother without MIL there.

My DC are adults and I love it when they meet up without me - I want them to develop an adult relationship that is independent of me and my influence.

Hoppinggreen · 31/10/2021 13:14

I don’t see why either you or their mother needs to be involved in the brothers meeting.
Leave it up to your DH to do what he wants

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 31/10/2021 13:15

DH won't go alone as she berates him at every opportunity, which obviously brings him down and in turn affects our relationship. When I'm there, it buffers it somewhat.
I've posted before about one of her comments about DH when we first met: " I'm glad there's someone else now to control him"......

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower, he did arrange the last visit we made to DBIL and that's when she sulked. But that was after I'd encouraged them seeing each other alone as brothers. When staying over at DBIL'S or on holiday together, I'll go to bed to give the brothers a chance to chat but she'll stay with them until they go to bed, last time was after 1am and she's first up.
It took a while to notice and when I asked DH, he admitted he'd never been with DBIL without her.

@JustLyra, the issue is she's not happy with us seeing DBIL without her. He could easily meet DH separately but he wouldn't ask as it would upset her. He also talks to DH and I about how controlling she is but would never speak up to her.

@sweeneytoddsrazor but she doesn't encourage them to meet on their own, in fact, she doesn't want them to, which is bizarre.

@Cuntness, if only 🤣🤣

OP posts:

VampireVicki · 31/10/2021 13:18

DH won't go alone as she berates him at every opportunity,

Oh, OK then take a huge step back. Let him manage the relationship, and if that means he has little contact with her, that's fine. Why would he want to spend time with someone who treats him like shit.

I am sure you had the best intentions OP, but it sounds as though you didn't fully understand how toxic she is and have encouraged a "normal" relationship between MIL and DH.

A PP spoke about dropping the rope, and I think that is what you should do now.

ancientgran · 31/10/2021 13:23

@Treesandsheepeverywhere

On the basis of 'life being short for this', where does it end though? I have a ex-collegue friend I saw on Friday after a while as we're both busy and her parting was, let's meet again next Friday..... a sister who lives abroad decided last week that she's visiting and made girls night out plans involving me for New Years eve without asking. Why is one expected to go along with it when said people don't consider others?

Well if it's not convenient don't go, if it is convenient and your husband wants to see his brother then he can go by himself or with you if you want to see him.

madisonbridges · 31/10/2021 13:24

@sweeneytoddsrazor

This exactly. My mum kept me and my sister in contact during our 20s and 30s when it would have been easy to drift apart. My parents see me and sister regularly but they love it when we're both there together. I don't understand, when they don't see each other regularly, why that's such a hard thing. Where does it end? It's seeing a brother 3 or 4 times a year. If you don't like your mil, bil, or spending time outside the house, don't go. But encourage your husband to go. When your children have left hone, would you appreciate their spouses moaning about a family get together?

ancientgran · 31/10/2021 13:25

@Hoppinggreen

I don’t see why either you or their mother needs to be involved in the brothers meeting. Leave it up to your DH to do what he wants

Good point.

Pumpkinsonparade · 31/10/2021 13:27

Yes life is too short... To appease people..
Mil has no right to keep dictating. Why the fuck should anyone pander to that?

mbosnz · 31/10/2021 13:29

I've three sisters. In our whole lives, we have had a meal/outing ONCE without my mother there. And by crikey, she really pulled out all the emotional blackmailing stops to try and be there with us.

And now she wonders 'why we're not close'. Because she's administered a 'divide and rule' policy since we were kids. We're not allies and friends. We are adversaries.

Notaroadrunner · 31/10/2021 13:33

If they cannot man up and tell her they will meet on their own terms then that's their problem. I don't see why you even have to be involved in any decision making apart from letting Dh know if you have plans that means he has to stay home with kids. If that's not the case then Dh makes up his own mind about visiting his mother's house. You don't need to go.

Tiredteacher100 · 31/10/2021 13:38

@madisonbridges
Yes totally agree! We always get invited/tempted to in laws house when DHs siblings are visiting. I think they just like having their family together sometimes

NorthSouthcatlady · 31/10/2021 13:45

Another vote to take a step back. She sounds like a nightmare. Always interesting when people who don’t work, make arrangements for other people who do

Sometimeswinning · 31/10/2021 13:56

I also think you need to step back and let him deal with it. The fact he needs you to go when he visits his mum?? How are you a buffer? I think you may have to look at you and your dh's relationship.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 31/10/2021 14:01

@VampireVicki

DH won't go alone as she berates him at every opportunity,

I am sure you had the best intentions OP, but it sounds as though you didn't fully understand how toxic she is and have encouraged a "normal" relationship between MIL and DH.

A PP spoke about dropping the rope, and I think that is what you should do now.

Yep this. He needs to be exposed to her shittiness to stand up to it. You are not a human buffer and by doinbg this You are enabling her and making it worse longterm.

My mil also pulls everything out of the bag of tricks when she is not the centre of attention/ star of the show...we are talking slamming cupboards, wailing, loud PA comments, floods of tears in middle of a restaurant. Memorably there was a full on throw yourself on the floor tantrum once.
We literally ignore it. bad behaviour just isnt rewarded. If she wants to play nicely thats fine, if not she can sit in the corner on her own and sulk.

Its on your DH and his brother to have an independent relationship. For example, he could easily buy two tickets to a gig or football match and gift it to BIL for xmas or birthdays.

1forAll74 · 31/10/2021 14:24

You are all old enough to be sensible, and sort any family matters out, in a calm and adult way.. Anyone being a bit of a nuisance, has to be ignored.

diddl · 31/10/2021 14:43

"DH won't go alone as she berates him at every opportunity,"

Even when his brother is there?

If he wants to see his brother, let his brother come to you & cut out the "middleman"!

Of course she'd like to see he sons together, but if she uses one as a punching bag he's hopefully going to decline & make his own arrangements to see his brother.

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 31/10/2021 17:24

Thank you all, some great suggestions.

I meant being a buffer as when I'm there she doesn't attack him like when I'm not there. So I'm there as a support for him.
When we first started dating, She would call dh to a different room and give him a dressing down about whatever she wasn't happy with at the time. I'd be left sitting in the living room for a good 20 minutes or so whilst she ranted to him. They'd come back in the room and she'd act like everything was ok.
She criticises and hardly ever asks about dh/DBIL's lives unless it benefits/included her.
@VampireVicki, thank you for the flowers.

They are all into the theatre, cricket and rugby so dh bought a ticket for those activities, she'd want to go too.
It's bad enough when dh and I go out as a couple. When chatting, she literally always says she wished she'd been there too.
@mbosnz & LivingLaVidaBabyShower, goah sounds full on.
He's taken it from her all his life and me being with him helps lesson the attacks/criticisms etc.
DH and I are fine and I don't like the thought of him going alone when I know he'll come back in a foul mood when I can be there for support.

4 times a year is the minimum. We've been on week long holidays with her, seen her for 5 days over Christmas etc.
It's not about not seeing each other, but about being expected to be available when she wants and her wanting DH to accept invitations on the spot.

So when we went on the last holiday, she was saying oh I can't wait for us to come back next year....
If we go anywhere with her, she wants a repeat every weekend/month or year depending on what it is. She can't enjoy the moment and leave it at that. So I know it will start being a thing when DBIL comes for us to be expected to go too.

I agree, DH should deal with it himself but we're a partnership and there to help each other if the other is struggling. She's not an easy woman and he's a sensitive man.

Sorry for the long msg.

OP posts:

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