DMIL flexing.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

Hi all, please tell me if IABU as I realise I could be.
DH has a brother (single) who lives out of town and they're not particularly close but get on ok. We live in the same town as DMIL(widowed 25 yrs) and visited her two weeks ago.
So, DBIL is coming into town mid week for 2 days, going back Friday morning. He's on his leave, DMIL is retired whilst we are both at work.

DMIL has asked if we can come over to hers one evening and used the words "do you not want to see your brother" on the phone to DH last night and sighed when he couldn't accept the invitationon on the spot without checking with me/our plans.
Issue is, DBIL hasn't been in contact with DH about coming over. He is welcome to ours but she always wants to be there when the brothers meet. Both in their late forties yet she treats them like kids. We've only ever had DBIL here by himself once and been to his once in 4 years and she wasn't pleased.
Since our last meet without her, when we went to visit DBIL she has eased communication with just me. Not too fussed as it was excessive to begin with.
Thing is, we visit her without him, she visits us without him and yet has an issue with us and him visiting each other without her.

What we're thinking is that we are a separate household and can't always run over to hers when DBIL decides to visit her, especially when he hasn't mentioned to DH and it's arranged more to suit themselves and we're expected to slot in. He could be with DMIL all day amd meet DH for drinks but she wouldn't like that.
Another option we thought of, is have them both come to us instead of us trekking to hers after work.

She's complained to DBIL that she sees DH less than when he wasn't married. She saw him more than before we got married in the first two years we were together as I initiated meets but had to cut down when we realised she was taking it as a given that we would spend most of our time with her and started inviting herself over and letting herself in with our spare key.
We all go to hers for Easter, her birthday, mother's day and Christmas is at DBIL's, so it's not like we never see each other.
UABU - Visit her.
UANBU - Don't visit, let him arrange a separate visit if he wants to see DH/us.

"When we saw her a couple of weeks ago, we mentioned we'd seen my sister the weekend before she commented she could have come too"

Isn't that where you say "oh I didn't know you had been invited?"

Sounds as if you need to tell her a lot less.

Must be draining listening to her.

Are you moving far?

What does flexing mean? I don't know if I'm just old and out of touch but I don't know what it means in this context!

@Glitterblue - it means throwing her weight around… Insisting on showing that she is the one in a position of power/being the Queen Bee

I've been in a similar relationship with my MIL. She literally doesn't like the thought of people carving out their own relationships without her in control. Unfortunately she has managed to kaibosh a lot of potential relationships that I could have had with my wider in laws who are all lovely.

We are overcoming this by building relationships directly.

So just ignore her and make an effort with DBIL. send cards, invite him round, visit him. Set up a WhatsApp group with just you 3 in it. Buy her a joint birthday present. It might make the brothers feel torn but also reassure them they don't love their mother any less, and if she might get upset then does she really need to know???

@diddl, we plan to but when we mentioned our plans, she out of nowhere stated she'd been thinking about moving too. She's been asking where we're moving and looking at places we're interested in. She even went to visit a town we'd mentioned we liked and proceeded to tell us all about it's history, amenities etc and how she would fit right in. We are now planning further and won't tell her until we've had an offer accepted but she had offered to come to viewings with us as 'a voice of reason'.

@Justilou1, spot on. The description should come with photo of DMIL on the side 🤣.

@CommanderBurnham, thank you, well try that. A joint present sounds good.
Good luck with the separate relationship building, going direct is a good idea.

@Cuntness

I'd make a point of seeing BIL without her to wind her up.

But I'm petty.

This would be me too.

[quote Treesandsheepeverywhere]@saraclara, I totally understand why she wants everyone together, it's the "do what I want now" attitude that's an issue and not being happy for the brothers to see each other without her. This is just am example but there are many other instances where she expects us to jump when she clicks her fingers.

@CommanderBurnham, they really haven't had a chance to have a normal separate relationship and it's sad to see. DH won't ask DBIL this time as it would put him in a tough spot as DMIL has already invited us. We'll go but say to DBIL that he's invited here next time as always.

@Justilou1, she certainly is. Unfortunately DBIL feels guilty and would feel like he was betraying her. The only two times we've met without her, he's not properly relaxed. It's a work in progress.

Sorry to hear @Teaandtoastedbiscuits, some controlling people out there.

Thank you all. Well go this time but make a point of not going every time just because it suits her. We'll also work on seeing DBIL on his own more.[/quote]
That sounds like a really sensible approach. Good luck OP.

@madisonbridges You sound a very good supportive partner for your DH (though it is definitely up to him to manage that relationship with her & BiL, not you). Your updates show there is a lot more to that dysfunctional family dynamic and always has been. I'm guessing they may have had rather unhappy childhoods dominated by their mother's needs and moods, not having theirs acknowledged or met. Now they find it easier to appease her than stand up to the behaviour.

The behaviour arund your house move is clearly not normal for a start and if she starts making serious attempts to follow you, I'm afraid you and DH will have to risk a total fall out and be unambiguously clear she is not welcome and her moving closer to you won't result in more contact.

You might want to pop over the Stately Homes threads and read some of Monkey From Manchester's posts. Funny writer but also a sad example of what happens where there someone like your MiL tries to exert control over her children in the way you describe.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere
Sorry above was for you not Madison user name.. Stupid MN not allowing edits

Thank you @Thehop. 😊

@ Gerwurtztraminer, it started when the brothers were young so it's all they've ever known. They are both introverts too, which doesn't help whereas she's a an extrovert.
I'll step back so DH manages the relationships himself and support him where I can.

Unfortunately with the move, it sounds like she'll move regardless of what we think. We certainly won't be seeing her more if she does as its just not healthy.
There was a point when we were seeing her more than my side of the family and both our friend groups.

Thank you for the Stately Homes recommendation, I'll have a look, definitely need a laugh😅

@Treesandsheepeverywhere it will be really hard for your husband and bil to do things without her. Maybe little things first, build up gradually?

I don’t envy you. If you leave him to it you’re not supporting him in something that affects you both and is very difficult….if you help him you’re interfering and it’s not your business.

Thank you @Thehop, it will have to be little steps indeed. Unfortunately it also means telling her less when we'd want to include her. As it is, don't mention some of DH & I's outings as it feels like she begrudges us going out without her.

@Treesandsheepeverywhereshea definitely odd at least. I don’t know which way I’d go. Either ignore it and give her very little information, or tell her stuff and put her in her place afterwards

“We saw my sister”
“Id have come”
“No we just wanted to meet my sister, we see you when we see you” or “haha I knew you’d say that but could you imagine how odd it would be if I had to tell people you want to be invited everywhere even when I just meet my sister?!” Or “sometimes people like doing things on their own. You can’t be invited to everything”

I mean I would t have the guts I don’t think, but I’d think it in my head and want to say it!

I’d be giving her BIL’s address instead, @Treesandsheepeverywhere… I think he’s clearly more enmeshed than you and DH, and you won’t be living happily ever after if you move and she follows you

@Thehop, Thabk you.
I've thought of something many things I'd like to say but never have the courage to. Literally every time we see her 😅
We've reduced contact, so that's a start....

@Justilou1, Thank you. He certainly is as it doesn't help that he's on his own. He's unfortunate to work in a place where she can look up their time off, events etc and aks/invites herself.

We'll work on it and hopefully get there sooner than later 🤞. Thanks again.

Omg… she is a total nightmare.

ACTUALLY… you should give some serious thought to getting this woman a dog or a cat. Might get her off all of your backs.

@Justilou1, great idea! Maybe two even 😅.

Sorry for previous post's typos.

😘😘😘