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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ghosted now back!

89 replies

Leonardo87 · 31/10/2021 08:02

Hey guy

I matched with a guy in January of this year on Hinge, I do not remember too much about it but I definately had his number and we had made loose plans to go for a walk date or whatever since it was Pandemic. I remember messaging him to confirm plans with no reply and literally just forgot about it.

The past year I have really glowed up - inside and out, therapy and daily gym. My mother thought I had work done 🤣 I lost 10kg and have been having facials and regular salon visits, all in all its been a much needed break from serious dating and glow up.

I rejoins Hinge yesterday and low and behold the guy from January messages me - ‘In my infinite stupidity I did not take you for drinks last time we matched. It was during the pandemic in January and nothing was open. Will you let me make it up to you by taking you on a date?’

Of note my profile looks very different with my new look this time around.

OLD is awash with chancers - do not want to fully write him off but cannot have this nagging feeling if he has ghosted once and I am back now looking like a smokeshow he is just an immature shallow moron. AIBU no think about not giving him a second shot?

OP posts:
ODFOgrinch · 31/10/2021 11:12

'Didn't want to leave you hanging as that would be rude but I don't think we should meet up. ' Then block.

Aspiringmatriarch · 31/10/2021 11:13

He sounds like he thinks he is in a Richard Curtis film…I wouldn’t

This. He's trying to turn on the charm now. I can see how it's flattering, and tempting to turn around a perceived rejection and 'prove yourself' after being ghosted. But honestly he sounds like a chancer who will drop you as and when he feels like it. He's not a really kind and courteous person if he didn't even reply before. Don't set yourself up for heartache, men like this can be very addictive - charming of minute and the next making you feel invisible (so then you try harder to get him back to how he was before). I may be reaching a bit on the basis of one text but on the Richard Curtis theme, his is pure Daniel and definitely not Mark. Grin

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 31/10/2021 11:14

No, you're absolutely NBU not to want to meet up if that's your instinct.

OnlyClothes · 31/10/2021 11:15

Re the new photos = shallow man thing, I’ve swiped left on SO MANY MEN.

But if they came back with much better photos, revamped profile, better hobbies/whatever OP has ‘bettered’ herself with, then I might right swipe. That’s not shallow, that’s simply the nature of online dating isn’t it?

I say go for a drink and judge based on that meeting.

Also, chat fizzling out isn’t ghosting.

FreeBritnee · 31/10/2021 11:18

It would be a beautiful irony though wouldn’t it if you just blocked him 🤭

happinessischocolate · 31/10/2021 11:20

I'd meet up with him. If you'd gone on a date and then he'd ghosted then hell in way but if it was just a few messages and loose plans then I'd totally give him another chance.

I'm terrible on OLD, I might talk to someone for a week and then life gets in the way and I just don't log on for another week.

He may well have messaged you again even if you hadn't lost weight and flowed up

PegasusReturns · 31/10/2021 11:25

I’d respond with “sure what’s changed?” and take it from there.

I’d expect a decent response to a reasonable question, but I don’t think it’s necessarily shallow to be more attracted to a new and improved profile

CherryHug · 31/10/2021 11:32

Don't degrade yourself. Call him out on his ghosting you!

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 31/10/2021 11:35

So guys - this post has really bad some interesting reponses. I did respond to him and told him ‘the last time spoke with January, we had loose plans and then you did not respond when I messaged you’.

He got back in touch and said he was an idiot and that he broke up with his girlfriend of three years in September, so was in no place to seriously date and that he was an idiot.

I have just left it at that.

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 31/10/2021 11:37

No way should you give him a second chance! You already know he’s a shallow dickhead. Why waste your time?!

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 31/10/2021 11:49

@Noeuf

He sounds like he thinks he is in a Richard Curtis film…I wouldn’t
@Noeuf spot on. I was thinking to myself that his comment about being unbelievably stupid was akin to some sort of toe curling bumbling Hugh Grant oopsie daisy line. Except he isn’t Hugh Grant.

Anyway, no don’t go near him he’s clearly shallow as fuck and more or less has told you he couldn’t be arsed before.

I’d just tell him that he has a good memory and a bloody nerve. He should get the message.

MildRose · 31/10/2021 11:51

@Leonardo87

So guys - this post has really bad some interesting reponses. I did respond to him and told him ‘the last time spoke with January, we had loose plans and then you did not respond when I messaged you’.

He got back in touch and said he was an idiot and that he broke up with his girlfriend of three years in September, so was in no place to seriously date and that he was an idiot.

I have just left it at that.

Perfect.

He's explained. Leave it there.

Next!

Eddielzzard · 31/10/2021 11:52

Yup next!

ScrambledSmegs · 31/10/2021 11:53

Agree that if you gave him a second chance you'd be subconsciously sending a message that you will take being treated badly, possibly because you're desperate.

Romcoms are full of this type of shit, normalising being treated like crap but it's all ok because big romantic gesture Hmm. I'm glad you're not going there, OP, and that you have healthy boundaries and decent self-worth now Flowers

WhatAShilohPitt · 31/10/2021 11:54

He flaked off for 9 months! No chance.

WhatAShilohPitt · 31/10/2021 11:55

The fact he didn’t have the manners to reply shoes the kind of man he is. No thought for your feelings. Fucking rude. Bin him.

PumpkinsandTea · 31/10/2021 11:56

BiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

CandidaAlbicans2 · 31/10/2021 11:58

There is no excuse for ghosting (unless it's to return the favour 😉), and a decent bloke would've said something like, "It would be lovely to meet you but it's going to be really hard with the pandemic restrictions, so can we put things on hold until the rules ease?", not just disappear. His excuse of having recently split with his GF so wasn't ready for dating is doesn't cover him in glory either. It means he's not self aware enough to know his own emotions. Plus I hate time wasters like this on OLD 😡

BigButtons · 31/10/2021 12:06

I’d go of curiosity.

samesign · 31/10/2021 12:17

It was rude of him to ignore you last time, I wouldn't give a second chance.

crimsonlake · 31/10/2021 12:30

This morning I have woken up to a text from someone on old asking if I would like to meet up. Problem is this is a man I spoke to a few weeks ago on the phone. He actually sounded interesting and I would have been keener to meet up than usual but at the end of the call he did not suggest meeting up in person and neither did I hear from him again until this morning.
Following our call I could see he was still active online so still looking. In the interim he has decided since he can find nothing better it is worth trying me again. Will I respond...no chance.

DrManhattan · 31/10/2021 12:31

No way. Shallow as f*

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 31/10/2021 12:34

@crimsonlake

This morning I have woken up to a text from someone on old asking if I would like to meet up. Problem is this is a man I spoke to a few weeks ago on the phone. He actually sounded interesting and I would have been keener to meet up than usual but at the end of the call he did not suggest meeting up in person and neither did I hear from him again until this morning. Following our call I could see he was still active online so still looking. In the interim he has decided since he can find nothing better it is worth trying me again. Will I respond...no chance.
Yep this is what he has done. Realised I was a good option all along. Honestly it is pathetic and such a turn off. I really think they think they are some sort of Casanova when they log into OLD - when the majority are mediocre white men in debt balding who cannot wash their arse or keep a cactus alive. Who told these losers they were the prize. It makes me so angry.
OP posts:
AmyDudley · 31/10/2021 12:57

I don't give ghosters a second chance because ghosting is cowardly and rude. I don't want to hang out with people who are cowardly and rude. If ghosting is his way of dealing with things than it always will be, he is a dud - you deserve better.

As an aside - I am very old Grin and I had never heard of 'glow up' and 'smokeshow' before - every day is a learning day on MN ! Smile

Sillyotter · 31/10/2021 12:59

You’ve got nothing to lose by going for a coffee with him for an hour. If I was unsure about a guy I’d just a coffee date to see how I felt about him in person and go from there. Keep an open mind, at best he’s the one and at worst he’s a shallow prick, which you’ll be able to figure out quickly

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