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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ghosted now back!

89 replies

Leonardo87 · 31/10/2021 08:02

Hey guy

I matched with a guy in January of this year on Hinge, I do not remember too much about it but I definately had his number and we had made loose plans to go for a walk date or whatever since it was Pandemic. I remember messaging him to confirm plans with no reply and literally just forgot about it.

The past year I have really glowed up - inside and out, therapy and daily gym. My mother thought I had work done 🤣 I lost 10kg and have been having facials and regular salon visits, all in all its been a much needed break from serious dating and glow up.

I rejoins Hinge yesterday and low and behold the guy from January messages me - ‘In my infinite stupidity I did not take you for drinks last time we matched. It was during the pandemic in January and nothing was open. Will you let me make it up to you by taking you on a date?’

Of note my profile looks very different with my new look this time around.

OLD is awash with chancers - do not want to fully write him off but cannot have this nagging feeling if he has ghosted once and I am back now looking like a smokeshow he is just an immature shallow moron. AIBU no think about not giving him a second shot?

OP posts:
ManifestingWisdom · 31/10/2021 08:53

It depends how long you were with him, but I read that a good question to ask is ''what's changed since *January?''
and then if there's an remorse or self awareness in the reply, be open to a second chance. if the response to that question is either IGNORED! (AS IS LIKELY I THINK) or a bunch of excuses then you have your information.

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 08:54

@Leonardo87

So many polarised responses! I am in two minds…

Why? are you that desperate?

ManifestingWisdom · 31/10/2021 08:54

ah sorry, I missed that your new profile picture prompted this.
OLD is awash with chancers and he is one of them

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 31/10/2021 08:58

@ManifestingWisdom

It depends how long you were with him, but I read that a good question to ask is ''what's changed since *January?'' and then if there's an remorse or self awareness in the reply, be open to a second chance. if the response to that question is either IGNORED! (AS IS LIKELY I THINK) or a bunch of excuses then you have your information.
We had not even gone on one date. We had loose plans to meet, I messaged to confirm any plans, and he ghosted.
OP posts:
HTH1 · 31/10/2021 09:05

I wouldn’t even reply.

Ourlady · 31/10/2021 09:06

I would reply, Nope, missed your chance #ghosted.

ManifestingWisdom · 31/10/2021 09:08

Ah right, yes, so this decision can only be based on you being better looking than you were before. Does that feel right to you?

Obviously there was some flow of communication initially but that wasn't enough to galvanise him. Now, you 10lb weight loss is what pushes him to get up off his arse.

I wouldn't bother myself. Even though if you met, the chances are you won't like him. But maybe you'll be in that unhealthy dynamic of feeling relieved you won back the approval of somebody who rejected you that you'll give some unattractive guy with poor character a chance. Eugh. Don't!

I did OLD and YES it is full of liars players and cheats so you say you don't want to write off this guy, but to be curious, what has he done that shows he has a good character?

TrufflesAndToast · 31/10/2021 09:12

If you agree to go out with him after he ghosted you once he will have zero respect for you. He will see you as desperate and willing to accept shit treatment and still come back for more. So if you do go out with him, at least make sure it’s in the full knowledge of that.

Being honest it sounds like you need to carry on with the work on yourself inside if you’re even considering this. Your self esteem is clearly not that high still.

TrufflesAndToast · 31/10/2021 09:13

Oh and don’t try and send some witty reply that he will just roll his eyes at-there’s no need to attempt some kind of mic drop moment. Just ignore him.

Noeuf · 31/10/2021 09:29

He sounds like he thinks he is in a Richard Curtis film…I wouldn’t

Littlepaws18 · 31/10/2021 09:29

@FreedomFaith

Do you really want a guy who has literally gone 'wow she looks so much better, I'll actually talk to her now'?

Of course not. If you for some reason did gain weight again while with him, he'll likely dump you or cheat on you.

Just don't reply. He's not worth it and getting rejected will just mean he'll say nasty things to you to make himself feel better.

Perfect advice
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 31/10/2021 09:32

I wouldn't really count it as ghosting tbf, dating during lockdown last winter was quite dreary- endless freezing cold walks, people testing positive or getting pinged and having to cancel and really being able to do much else. I'd imagine a lot of nascent conversations fizzled in this way, it was only a few messages about maybe meeting- as in what else do you message about on dating apps? I don't feel he's broken any big promises or anything.

Ok, it wasn't great but I wouldn't have taken that too personally. He's explained and acknowledged, not just tried to slip back in. If you quite liked the impression you got otherwise, I wouldn't write this one off but I would look for signs of low-effort or low reliability. I wouldn't tolerate cancellations or lazy behaviour from this one but I wouldn't take last January to heart.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/10/2021 09:43

I wouldnt bother. There are literally thousands of people on OLD, there is no need to give someone a second chance when they've behaved badly

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 31/10/2021 09:44

That said, if you feel your pics are so radically different that you think that's the reason he's got back in touch then by all means go with that gut feeling. But I wouldn't personally have seen it as a big ghosting, just an early chat fizzling out.

coolcahuna · 31/10/2021 10:07

I would probably give him a chance. You've never met so he's not massively let you down. Nothing to lose going on a date. Also the fact he mentioned what had happened before is good. In my online days, I've had people I've actually been on a date with, message me on a dating app later and they didn't even recognise me!

TurnUpTurnip · 31/10/2021 10:19

Wow no I wouldn’t go! Surprised so many would? I would ignore him and as for that being “playing games” as a previous poster said no I would call it giving him a taste of his own medicine.

TurnUpTurnip · 31/10/2021 10:21

For those saying it was a “weird time” yeh he will dump op again when he is having another “weird time”

CaptaNoctem · 31/10/2021 10:25

I’m amazed that so many say give him a second chance.

Why do some women allow men to treat them like this?

beastlyslumber · 31/10/2021 10:26

No, ignore him. If you go on a date with him you're letting him know that it's okay for him to treat you as he did before.

Keep raising your standards, never lower them. And well done on the weight loss and self-confidence!

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 31/10/2021 10:37

@CaptaNoctem

I’m amazed that so many say give him a second chance.

Why do some women allow men to treat them like this?

I have to say I am too. I was asking AIBU but NOT giving him a second chance as this was my instinct. I recon if I did he would just do the same again. It is interesting to see the variety of responses and I can understand that some people would give him a second chance as we did not actually meet
OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 31/10/2021 10:40

Yes it’s very interesting but let’s remember women do tend to put up with a lot of crap that they shouldn’t and would have been better off not ignoring the crap in the beginning! I bet no one has done this to him so he doesn’t get to feel how shitty it is, I would definitely ignore, if you don’t you’re just telling him you are ok with being treated like that, shame some people’s bars are so low.

Original poster
Leonardo87 · 31/10/2021 10:44

@TurnUpTurnip

Yes it’s very interesting but let’s remember women do tend to put up with a lot of crap that they shouldn’t and would have been better off not ignoring the crap in the beginning! I bet no one has done this to him so he doesn’t get to feel how shitty it is, I would definitely ignore, if you don’t you’re just telling him you are ok with being treated like that, shame some people’s bars are so low.
One of my friends was 38/F professional - she matched with a guy and a very similar thing happened. She was messaging and arranged a meetup. He disappeared for two weeks and said his phone has broken. I knew it was shite. Anyway they are together now 3/4 years, she has two children with him but he is a total financially abusing wanker. Got her to buy them a house outside of our city with her money etc.
OP posts:
JovialNickname · 31/10/2021 10:50

Don't. He's made it very clear he only likes you conditionally. That's not the way you want to start a relationship

Sn0tnose · 31/10/2021 10:56

I definitely wouldn’t even bother replying.

It was irrelevant whether anything was open because you hadn’t made loose plans to go out for drinks. You’d made loose plans to go for a walk. Which doesn’t necessitate any businesses being open.

If he wasn’t really feeling it, that’s absolutely fine. But he knew that you’d messaged him to firm up plans and he purposely ignored you. And now he considers you to be more attractive, he expects you to be grateful for his crumbs? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Latecomer131 · 31/10/2021 11:05

I am amazed by how many women would give this guy a second chance.

OP, I do hope you ignore. Replying sets a precedent that you'll tolerate flakey behaviour.

If you think his contact is motivated by your appearance change then that's all the more reason to ignore, as it suggests that he's shallow and will ghost again once a new option pops up.