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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about getting a dog

89 replies

Framings · 30/10/2021 15:38

After my last IVF fail, I'm coming to terms with the turmoil of that. I don't have any family apart from DH and I'm a homebod person without many friends so I feel very lonely.

Someone has suggested I get a dog; I absolutely love animals and would love to.

I'd like a dog from a shelter and have seen a sweet 1 year old rescue that's at the local animal shelter that could be a great fit.

Trouble is, the rescue shelter are very firm on how long you're allowed to leave a dog at home alone for; 3-4 hours max.

Both myself and my DH work part time shifts, and there are 3 days a week where our shifts cross with more than 4 hours gap.

For example, I'll work 5am-11am and he's on a 7am-5pm. He leaves at 6.15am though, and I'm not back until 11.15am.

So the dog would be home alone for 5 hours. Should I be honest with the rescue shelter, or (like my DH suggests) fib and say it'll only be 4 hours? Or just not continue with my application to have her?

I want to do the right thing by the dog and not be selfish about this.

OP posts:
holidaynearlyover · 30/10/2021 22:41

Ours go to doggy day care and love it there when my husband and I are both at work

Rubyupbeat · 30/10/2021 22:45

If you do decide on a fog walker, make sure they are fully insured.

Rubyupbeat · 30/10/2021 22:45

Oops....dog walker

Lavender24 · 30/10/2021 22:49

@FudgeFlake

How much pupternity leave will you be able to organise? You certainly can't go straight in with a dogwalker or daycare until ddog has had time to decompress and settle - this can be several weeks.

Oh and anyone who is doing dog-walking for £5 an hour is almost certainly untrained unqualified and uninsured.

Jesus Christ. Just when you think you've heard it all on this site
LadyCleathStuart · 30/10/2021 23:06

What training and qualifications would I need to walk a dog exactly?

Well you don't need any but the walkers I have used have at least had certificates in dog first aid, one was even a qualified trainer. She often would take on people who wanted to be dog walkers to allow them to get some experience and often they couldn't hack it. I don't think it's as easy a job as people think.

shiningstar2 · 30/10/2021 23:13

Our dog 🐶 s a rescu and we always aim for no more than 4 hours separation. See o maybe 10.oo until two a quick ship and lunch ora full afternoon or an evening. Never both in the same day. She is fine with this. She watches to see what shoes)coat we r putting on and either gets excited as it's obviously walk time or goes to her bed. Either way she wags her tail as she goes. We sometimes end up being out a bit later . Maybe5 hours but never more. However we r retired so this is not a problem but so long as you can commit to no more than 4/5 hours away you should be ok op. Ask about which breeds will be most suitable to your lifestyle and I'm sure you wil ge able to give a homeless dog a great new start. Remember u will need patience and expect a few blips along the way but if u r patient and kind u will have a pet who will give back so much in love and loyalty.

whereisthekey · 30/10/2021 23:16

an older rescue dog will likely be ok with 5 hrs Max if they are early morning when you're out rather than middle of the day. (my dogs have all not really bothered doing much other than snoozing until 11am anyway when they get ready for their first walk)
But do plan to adopt while you have at least 10 days holiday to be able to take.

the "4 hour alone" time is all day though so have that in mind too.. its not seeing them at 11 and then I going out again for multiple hours in the afternoon too. They are very tying!

QueenofLouisiana · 30/10/2021 23:21

We introduced our dog walker about 3 weeks in, we were lucky to be able to adopt him during our summer holiday and so could spend a lot of time with him. The rescue (breed specific) were happy with the plan for a Walker on the days I couldn’t be around so much. They were much stricter on garden fence height and based the selection of dogs we could meet on the 5’10” (not 6’ fence) we have.
For reference, we pay £10 for a half hour walk on his own, with putting on his lead, coat in bad weather, muzzle and then drying off, treat time at the end the whole thing is probably 45 minutes. I get photos and messages about the walk. The Walker we use has canine first aid, training qualifications, insurance and a system in place with a local vet for emergencies. I am happy paying someone that committed to the dogs she cares for- definitely preferable to someone earning £5 with none of those things in place.

Andwander · 31/10/2021 05:52

@Meredithwho.you should be reported to the RSPCA.Disgusting to leave a dog for that long.WTF do you have a dog.Selfish!

Andwander · 31/10/2021 05:59

The selfishness of people on this thread is staggering.Humans are truely shit.the shelter is totally correct not to leave a dog longer than 3 hours.DONT have have a dog,if you cant provide proper care for it!!

MrsGeralt · 31/10/2021 06:21

Why does it have to be this dog? There are thousands of dogs out there in need of a home - I've just rescued a young dog that was given up by his owners because of a relationship breakdown and he's slotted straight in. Unusual i know but they are out there. So far he's been great. So do you maybe have the rose tinted glasses on about how right this particular dog is? If she's been abused she's highly likely to have issues and be less likely to be able to be left alone. Don't lie to the rescue that's a terrible idea. They know the dog and know what she needs. Might be worth revisiting what you know about her and looking honestly at the reasons why you've decided you're the perfect home for her.

Whatever dog you get you'll need to take time off to settle it in. So maybe right now isn't the right time either.

UseOfWeapons · 31/10/2021 06:36

OP, I feel for you. I had unsuccessful IVF many years ago, and now live alone.
However, I’ve adjusted to that, and am content. I would love to have a dog, but the reality is that for 4 days a week, I would need doggy day care, as my hours at work are long and unpredictable. My counsellor tried to encourage me to get 2 dogs as they would, be company for one another. I haven’t and I won’t. I want getting an animal companion to be a joyous experience for both of us, so I’m going to wait until I retire, and have the flexibility to offer a proper home and my time to a new friend.

I realise that this isn’t the same situation as yours, but I’d be straight with the shelter, and have the best interests of the the dog at the heart of what you’re doing. If you and the shelter can find a way to make it work positively for the dog, then fine. But it might be a better idea to cultivate other friendships until you are in a position to welcome an animal who may already have had a difficult time.

Good luck, OP.

gogohm · 31/10/2021 08:23

Personally I think that's ok typically, but it's breed dependant, some suffer from separation more, and with a rescue it could be they struggle. Plenty of dogs are left all day and are fine, mine is left 6 hours he's older though and quite frankly ignored us for 4 hours + at a time when we worked from home (he goes off into his den (under the desk) and there he stays)

TheVolturi · 31/10/2021 10:07

[quote Andwander]@Meredithwho.you should be reported to the RSPCA.Disgusting to leave a dog for that long.WTF do you have a dog.Selfish![/quote]
Are you for real?

Buildingthefuture · 31/10/2021 10:24

As someone who has lots of rescue dogs myself and who volunteers in dog rescue, some of the comments here are unreal! LIE to the rescue (who know the dog and have those rules in place for a reason and as a result of YEARS of experience?) And “anxiety is baked into every cell in their body from birth” - Personally, I’ve adopted over 30 dogs (all different breeds, ages, issues) and can categorically tell you that’s horseshit!!
DO NOT lie to the rescue. Explain your situation. For lots of rescues, it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker, but it would mean that they could help you to chose the right dog for YOU. I have to say that probably isn’t a 1 yr old with separation anxiety, but a slightly older dog perhaps (3+) who was a bit more relaxed. It is absolutely unfair to lie to the rescue, get the dog under false pretences and, when it doesn’t work out (because you’ve lied!) the dog gets handed back, in a worse state than it was before. I’ve seen that happen SO MANY times and it’s awful for the dog and the adopter!!! Be honest and trust the professionals with experience to help chose the right dog for you x

Andwander · 31/10/2021 12:17

@TheVolturi.If you think,it is acceptable to leave a dog 8 hours on its own,without anybody taking it out for a walk during this time, you are a very uncaring human.Are you just uncaring towards animals?what a fuck example for children too.

FudgeFlake · 31/10/2021 12:34

For those saying 'lie to the shelter about having to go out' putting on my other hat as someone who volunteers with a rescue, we've just had one come back because despite saying they'd organised a month where at least one of the couple would be around all the time to settle in their dog, they put dog into a day-care within 48 hours of picking him up. That went wrong, they then tried a local dog walker, who understandably refused to take on a furiously unhappy collie cross. So traumatised dog is now back in foster care, having regressed all the way back to the fear-aggressive stressed out mess he was when we first took him in nearly a year ago.

Anordinarymum · 31/10/2021 12:37

@Framings

I'm allergic to cat hair unfortunately, and DH is much more a 'dog person'.

I definitely could arrange a dog walker but I'm worried that it's just a lot for the dog to get used to - not only a new home, new people with DH and I, new routine but also another new person coming into the house 3 times a week.

The shelter have said she shows no signs of separation anxiety but of course she could just be pretty shut down in kennels and show issues once she's here.

She is very wary of strangers though, she has been treated badly, which is why I worry more about another new person coming in. It might be fine to introduce a walker in 3-6 months once she'd be more settled but I can't change my hours or take time off work sadly.

It's not going to be best for her is it :(

Of course it is ! She will get to know and love anyone who takes her for a walk ! Walks are what dogs live for. Go for it.
Hekk · 31/10/2021 17:37

@FudgeFlake

For those saying 'lie to the shelter about having to go out' putting on my other hat as someone who volunteers with a rescue, we've just had one come back because despite saying they'd organised a month where at least one of the couple would be around all the time to settle in their dog, they put dog into a day-care within 48 hours of picking him up. That went wrong, they then tried a local dog walker, who understandably refused to take on a furiously unhappy collie cross. So traumatised dog is now back in foster care, having regressed all the way back to the fear-aggressive stressed out mess he was when we first took him in nearly a year ago.
That's such a shame. As I said upthread I also don't think they should lie.
Original poster
Framings · 31/10/2021 20:12

Really appreciate all these thoughts, thanks all. :)

OP posts:
TheVolturi · 31/10/2021 20:22

[quote Andwander]@TheVolturi.If you think,it is acceptable to leave a dog 8 hours on its own,without anybody taking it out for a walk during this time, you are a very uncaring human.Are you just uncaring towards animals?what a fuck example for children too.[/quote]
You're obviously either a bit bonkers or can't read. The pp the you are raging about has two dogs and they rarely get left for that time. The pp watches them on cameras and they are fine. The dogs are not alone, or upset. So chill the fuck out and don't question my ability to care for my pets or children please!

CalamariGames · 31/10/2021 20:27

Dogs do have a sense of time, my dog knows what time we get up, what time is dinner time and so on. They sense it by the light, changes in smell throughout the day and other small changes, they are very sensitive to these things. I am not saying they would know an hours difference and be way more upset but they do become bored and lonely if left too long.

Wolfiefan · 31/10/2021 20:44

@TheVolturi
Just because the dogs aren’t barking or eating the house it doesn’t mean they are happy.
Leaving a dog alone for up to 9 hours without the chance to even go for a wee is unacceptable.
It doesn’t matter if it is twice a week and they have a petcam.

TheVolturi · 31/10/2021 20:50

[quote Wolfiefan]@TheVolturi
Just because the dogs aren’t barking or eating the house it doesn’t mean they are happy.
Leaving a dog alone for up to 9 hours without the chance to even go for a wee is unacceptable.
It doesn’t matter if it is twice a week and they have a petcam.[/quote]
Hi Wolfie. The pp literally said the dogs don't move. I didn't realise she said it was twice a week, I don't agree with that tbh but in general dogs are OK to be left a while now and then! Our dog is never left as I'm sahm but I don't agree with people slating anyone that leaves a dog now and then and I wouldn't call the rspca for goodness sake like the person having a go at me was saying. Most of us on here are responsible dog owners, including op who's obviously being responsible by checking out if what she's proposing is going to be OK.

Wolfiefan · 31/10/2021 20:52

OP is doing exactly the right thing to work out how this dog may fit in their lives. If only everyone did this.
Dogs shut down. Not moving doesn’t mean happy and needs met.
Wish everyone thought things through like rhe OP.

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