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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spider in the airing cupboard disagreement

107 replies

WTF475878237NC · 30/10/2021 13:24

I am scared of spiders. Both parents are as well as siblings.

Spider in the airing cupboard the other day when I came to get bedding out. Sprayed with well known chemical spray and shut the door. Realise afterwards I should not have done this as the chemicals will be all over our bedding and towels. Decide to re-wash the towels and spare bedding (this is three loads of laundry). I get through one load. Then today my partner is going to make the spare bed up and goes to the airing cupboard and I explain what happened and I haven't finished washing it all. He is angry and swears and exclaims we live in the effing countryside and I need to stop being so ridiculous and how effing annoying this is and I should not have used the spray and should have just ignored the spider.

Another load is in the wash but the atmosphere is horrible now.

YABU get over your spider phobia or don't bother with the bedding

YANBU you can't help the phobia and need to wash the bedding

OP posts:
BertramLacey · 30/10/2021 14:46

Are you actually phobic, or do you just not like them very much? I have a bit of a thing about slugs, to the extent that sometimes being around them makes me wretch. Frequent exposure to them in one place I lived did make me more tolerant. I can cope with them outside now, but not inside. However, I won't deliberately kill them. I will find a way to remove them from the house without getting anywhere near touching them.

Fine, be scared of something. But why on earth kill it? I mean once you'd sprayed that stuff, yes, you needed to wash the bedding. But doesn't that tell you something about what you're spraying around?

I get why your partner is so annoyed. One of the things I love about my partner is the way we both are really careful around anything living and wouldn't do anything that deliberately destructive. Fuck me but that's a load of environmental damage over something that could have been solved by shutting the door again.

Fireatseaparks · 30/10/2021 14:47

We don't know for sure that they can't feel pain, OP.

On the off chance they can, try not to hurt them.

I understand we HAVE to kill bugs sometimes (if they will bite/cause damage etc) but if there's no real need (being scared isn't a reason), don't kill them. Leave them be or remove them humanely.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/10/2021 14:48

@WTF475878237NC

We're not actually in the countryside but I get his point; we're not in a high rise London apartment either.

How have people with this fear learnt to overcome it?

Yes!! London zoo friendly spider programme. Literally changed my life. The best £130 I ever spent.
ImUninsultable · 30/10/2021 14:51

Grow up and stop behaving like a child.

If you see a spider and you dont like it, just close the door.

Berkeys · 30/10/2021 14:51

@Feelinglow27

Fgs grown adult scared of a spider so kills it in a horrible way. Can you imagine what it would be like to be killed like that?

Yes, YABU

This. Compassion starts even with the smallest creatures.
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 30/10/2021 14:52

@ImUninsultable

Grow up and stop behaving like a child.

If you see a spider and you dont like it, just close the door.

May you never meet the thing that sets off your own fight or flight reaction. The thing that triggers your irrational fear.

Meantime, try a little empathy.

GoodnightGrandma · 30/10/2021 14:53

Get a wireless Dyson. It’s my spider catcher.

Chocolatewheatos · 30/10/2021 14:53

YABU to have killed it but specifically for you use of the vile spray. I do think the bedding needs washing now but you've sprayed something toxic and now are do three loads of washing to wash that toxin into our waterways.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 30/10/2021 14:53

Compassion starts even with the smallest creatures

But stops at people with a phobia, it seems.

Pinkbonbon · 30/10/2021 14:53

Neither

There was no need to wash the bedding. An hour of airing on a bed and the smell would go.
It doesn't matter that you sprayed the spider though. And your husband sounds like a nasty jerk.

ImUninsultable · 30/10/2021 14:56

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Yup. Fight or Flight. Close the door and walk away. Dont start spraying shit all over the place.

I didnt tell her to give it a cuddle. Just to close the door and leave it alone.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 30/10/2021 15:02

I know you probably don't keep track of usernames and replied, I know I don't. But that was what I said in my first response here.

GladAllOver · 30/10/2021 15:03

Actually spiders don't like warm dry places because they soon die of thirst and desiccation. If you had left the door open and a wet tissue nearby it would have come out and continued with its job of killing the harmful bugs.

Phobias are awful but they can be successfully treated

CalamariGames · 30/10/2021 15:07

Well I don't agree with spraying them but I also don't agree with your husband's nasty attitude. He shouldn't be telling you off and ruining the atmosphere, who wants to live with someone like that? He could have nicely said that he doesn't agree with it and it's bad for the environment and it would also make life a lot easier for you if you overcame your fear. That would be fair enough. But do you want to go through life with someone who minimises your feelings and creates nasty arguments over small problems?

kowari · 30/10/2021 15:09

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Compassion starts even with the smallest creatures

But stops at people with a phobia, it seems.

People have suggested alternatives to living with the spider that also avoid cruelly poisoning it to death.
RoseAndGeranium · 30/10/2021 15:11

Really hope all those on here flaming OP for killing the spider never use slug pellets or swat mosquitoes or get in the pest control for rats.

RoseAndGeranium · 30/10/2021 15:13

@GoodnightGrandma

Get a wireless Dyson. It’s my spider catcher.
They climb out Haloween Sad
CaptSkippy · 30/10/2021 15:13

Your reaction to the spider may have been a bit over the top, but that does not excuse your husband's behavior towards you.

He swore at you because there was no extra bedding available? If he knew he was going to need it, he should have discussed it with you. Him being inconvenienced is not an excuse for such an angry outburst.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 30/10/2021 15:13

@kowari, yes, and others, myself I used, have explained the irrational nature of a phobia.

If you expect an arachnophobe to consider your perspective it seems only fair for you to consider theirs!

buffyajp · 30/10/2021 15:16

@SerendipitySunshine

Yes, you were being ridiculous. Just shut the door if you're scared. Killing things is not ok.
A phobia is a genuine condition. Also you don’t get to give people permission whether to kill spiders or not. I have and feel no guilt whatsoever.
BertramLacey · 30/10/2021 15:21

Really hope all those on here flaming OP for killing the spider never use slug pellets or swat mosquitoes or get in the pest control for rats.

I disagreed with her, not sure if that counts as flaming. I never use slug pellets and never will. It's not just what they do to the slugs but also any other wildlife which encounters them. I don't poison or trap rats. I did adopt feral cats when I lived somewhere with rats. I will hit things which suck blood, if they're aiming for me. That's my exception. I don't use harmful chemicals though, I just wallop the things.

It's the pointlessness and the method that I object to. I'm not absolutely and resolutely against killing anything but I limit it to things which are a direct threat and I try to do it very quickly and a in a way that doesn't bugger up the environment.

LaetitiaASD · 30/10/2021 15:22

@romdowa

I'd have sprayed him as well for his outburst 🤣🤣 I'm terrified of spiders and I'd probably have done the same in a panic
I read that as "If my OH was rude I'd spray him in the face with noxious chemicals HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I'm terrified of harmless, tiny creatures and I am happy to do ridiculous things off the back of my completely irrational fear."

Having a fear is one thing, revelling in being nasty and stupid and wasteful and harmful to the environment off the back of that fear is quite another.

LaetitiaASD · 30/10/2021 15:24

@BertramLacey

Really hope all those on here flaming OP for killing the spider never use slug pellets or swat mosquitoes or get in the pest control for rats.

I disagreed with her, not sure if that counts as flaming. I never use slug pellets and never will. It's not just what they do to the slugs but also any other wildlife which encounters them. I don't poison or trap rats. I did adopt feral cats when I lived somewhere with rats. I will hit things which suck blood, if they're aiming for me. That's my exception. I don't use harmful chemicals though, I just wallop the things.

It's the pointlessness and the method that I object to. I'm not absolutely and resolutely against killing anything but I limit it to things which are a direct threat and I try to do it very quickly and a in a way that doesn't bugger up the environment.

Agree with that. Never kill spiders or bees... annoying flies and wasps and rats and mice, or mosquitos, are quite another thing... but definitely best if you don't use poison / chemicals
RoseAndGeranium · 30/10/2021 15:28

@BertramLacey

Really hope all those on here flaming OP for killing the spider never use slug pellets or swat mosquitoes or get in the pest control for rats.

I disagreed with her, not sure if that counts as flaming. I never use slug pellets and never will. It's not just what they do to the slugs but also any other wildlife which encounters them. I don't poison or trap rats. I did adopt feral cats when I lived somewhere with rats. I will hit things which suck blood, if they're aiming for me. That's my exception. I don't use harmful chemicals though, I just wallop the things.

It's the pointlessness and the method that I object to. I'm not absolutely and resolutely against killing anything but I limit it to things which are a direct threat and I try to do it very quickly and a in a way that doesn't bugger up the environment.

There are plenty of people on here being pretty nasty to the OP about it. I don’t know what the tone of your reply was like, so perhaps you weren’t one of them. Like you I try to avoid using chemicals in the garden or the house and I buy organic wherever possible. But (as someone’s who is very arachnophobic!) I read a lot of these threads and I see a ton of self righteousness from people who may well have no compunction about killing lots of other things (or indeed buying inorganic or poor welfare food). As for mosquitoes: I have pretty nasty reactions to mosquito bites but I’d still rather get bitten by one than be crawled on by one of those awful house spiders you see around this time of year. So yup, I swat them or hoover them up.
hamsterchump · 30/10/2021 15:28

I would've killed it too if I could and no one else was available to get rid of it. I'm both scared of them and hate them and don't care about their suffering so conversations about this wouldn't move me. I wouldn't fart about with a glass as I could not carry them or see them move without screaming anyway and squashing is easier and quicker generally. I have occasionally hoovered them and then put the hoover outside to be emptied by someone else. I could not just ignore one or leave it there, people saying that obviously have no idea about phobias. If there's one in a room and I can't kill it then that room will be closed and not used until it has been removed or eliminated. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldn't or wouldn't understand my feelings on this, would feel like general uncaring and contemptuous behaviour which is the death knell for any relationship. Luckily if he's home then OH will happily deal with any for me and would never tease me over my phobia I don't know why anyone would willingly be with anyone who would.