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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend quizzing me about why I won’t return put ASD son in daycare to return to work

73 replies

Opal93 · 30/10/2021 12:48

So I’ve posted before an how I am a SAHM to my son who has severe autism and am made often feel like I have to justify this choice as people seem to frown on me not working. My friend began telling me yesterday it’s time I went back to work and that daycares do include ASD children. I said yes they may include ASD children but that does not mean they can cope with the severity of my sons needs and also, I know my son and know he couldn’t cope. He can barely manage a full day at special needs school so I know any after school program would be too hard for him. She basically said I am making excuses for not working, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t work now he is at school and how do I know he wouldn’t cope with daycare if I haven’t tried. I ended up leaving and she is now wondering why I am not replying to her texts anymore. I think I know I’m not BU here but the comment that I haven’t tried has gotten to me. Ok, so technically I could try it but the issue with me returning to work is the time off if need to take (my son is regularly off school due to his gastrointestinal problems, and being sent home.) and also the school holidays, I don’t know what job I could get that allows me to be off during those times and there are no special needs summer schemes or anything anywhere near me. I feel being at home with him is what he needs so AIBU to end a friendship with anyone who can’t accept that?

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 30/10/2021 12:50

It’s none of her business. Set those boundaries and if she can’t stick to them, then yes, move on.

Scautish · 30/10/2021 12:50

Your friend is a complete dick. 100% YANBU

BananaPB · 30/10/2021 12:50

Yanbu to give her a wide berth

It's none of her business what childcare you use and whether or not you go back to work. It's between you and the father.

VampireVicki · 30/10/2021 12:51

Honestly OP, tell her to fuck off.

PinkiOcelot · 30/10/2021 12:52

Why does she even feel the need to comment. It’s really none of her business.

Toffeewhirl · 30/10/2021 12:52

She's judgemental and ignorant. She should be supporting you, not criticising.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/10/2021 12:54

Why is she so invested? It’s none of her business.

You must do what’s right for you and your son (as anyone must, whatever their family circumstances).

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 30/10/2021 12:54

How weird of her. How does it affect her whether you go back to work or not?

ImUninsultable · 30/10/2021 12:55

If someone in your household is working and you're not struggling then there's no reason for her to even bring it up.

If no one is working and you're struggling financially and talking to her about your struggles then I understand what she has said as a reply. But that's the only excuse I can find for why she would even be slightly reasonable to say it.

Basically if you've gone, "Gosh, we're struggling so much financially, I dont know how we're going to pay the bills" then its reasonable to say "well, he's in school now so you should go back to work and you wouldnt be struggling anymore." But that's the only reason she would have for saying that. Anything else and she is just being nasty and judgemental.

soapboxqueen · 30/10/2021 12:56

I would tell her to piss off.

However, if you really like her as a friend, just tell her that ASD is a very large umbrella and needs can vary dramatically. What most places mean when they say they can cater for children with ASD is they mean they'll accept a bit quirky behaviour. Not the belt and braces effort that can be required.

Also that you know what you're doing.

Fetarabbit · 30/10/2021 12:56

She doesn't sound like much of a friend, perhaps time to move on from this friendship.

PumpkinPie2016 · 30/10/2021 12:57

Totally none of her business!

Even if you didn't have children and didn't work, it would still be none of her business.

for you.

Clocktopus · 30/10/2021 12:57

I posted this on another thread earlier this week.

My two disabled DC are in FT school now and I don't work. I'm essentially 'on call' during the school day for the inevitable "he's forgotten/lost please can you bring it/a replacement" phone call, EHCP reviews, target setting meetings, DLA reviews, appointments to discuss whatever it is that's not working in school, can I come collect because they're unwell/melting down/have had an accident, then there's the days of refusing to go to school so they have to be taken in late once I've peeled them off the ceiling and calmed them down, the hospital appointments, the OT reviews, the physio check-ins, and so on. Some weeks I'll get the entire school day to myself, that's my time off and I need it, whereas other weeks I might be at the school multiple times or dealing with multiple appointments and phone calls and (aside from scheduled appointments) I can't predict in advance what any given day will be like. Its not conductive to also holding down a job, trust me I've tried it.

Your friend needs to mind her own business.

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 12:58

She needs to butt out of your lifestyle choices.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/10/2021 12:58

Eh? You don't have to justify any of your choices to anybody else. It doesn't sound like she's much of a friend tbh.
If I'd have had such a conversation with a friend, I'd just privately think 'dickhead', and not give it a further thought nor spend any more time with her.

Jobseeker19 · 30/10/2021 12:59

There are children with ASD in childcare but it is not as simple as your friend makes out.

The children that I have worked with do not do full days and if they are having a particularly bad day their parent picks them up.

What job does she expect you to get if your child has complex needs and you need to be available in case of a meltdown?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/10/2021 13:00

You really should ask her why this matters to her and why she thinks she gets a vote here.

Tell her you aren't asking her to pay your bills and it's not for her to decide how you should live your life and she can either accept you've made the right choice for you or she can stay out of your life.

And yes. I mean say exactly that.

I said similar to my parents years ago. Either be decent people or get out of my life and at this point I don't care which you do.

There are times when you need to be extremely direct.

MzHz · 30/10/2021 13:01

Thing is, people appear to be friends sometimes while things appear to be level, the minute something happens to us to shake things up, some “friends” can’t be supportive or cope with decisions they’re never going to have to make

You’ve been clear, you’re setting boundaries and she’s not listening

Think you are going to have to let her go sadly

Tal45 · 30/10/2021 13:03

It sounds to me that she doesn't like working and she doesn't see why you shouldn't have to work 'just because' you have a child with ASD. She obviously has absolutely no idea and needs to keep her wrong opinions to herself.

Wbeezer · 30/10/2021 13:04

I have had to explain my prolonged SAHM status many times but usually only with people i dont know well. My friends are all nice enough not to comment. I have just gone back part time to an easy flexible job, DS1 is 23!
None of my three could have coped with holiday clubs/after school clubs and they were at mainstream school (although having to cope with mainstream school is one of the things that wore them out).
They just about managed two mornings at nursery but still remember "incidents" even though they were only two!
I also ended up supervising homeschooling teens with mental health issues at various times.
If it had been a matter of ecomnomic survival i would have just had to manage but frankly my mental and physical reserves were used up by rearing three ND kids and staying at home gave me enough respite to avoid being completely overwhelmed and get some enjoyment out of parenthood.

EKGEMS · 30/10/2021 13:05

As a mom of a son who suffered a stroke in NiCU my son is severely handicapped and I got this from my MIL and SIL and it's fucking insane! I worked part time they felt I should've worked FT instead. My kid attended SN school from age 2 and is 2I now and in his last year. I did eventually become FT 3 years ago but only when my DH started working from home. My son is tube fed and requires total care in toileting and navigating around school buildings. YOU know your child better than others it's just wrong to be told you should work FT. My husband's family just wanted to put their beak in when my DH was grateful I was working weekends and did all school runs and appointments so he could work.

DrManhattan · 30/10/2021 13:08

Tell her to f* off
Shes not your mate.

RandomMess · 30/10/2021 13:08

I'm sure you'd love to find amazing childcare for your DS so you had the choice to return!!

Your friend seems ignorant about how much ASD impacts on some people!

BogRollBOGOF · 30/10/2021 13:09

I wasn't planning on becoming a SAHM for a prolonged period, but I didn't realise until DS1 was at school that he was showing traits of autism.

He's pretty "high functioning" and masks pretty well through a school day, but at the end of it, he needs to come home to his quiet place and unwind. After school care would significantly reduce his general ability to cope. It's not in the interests of our overall family life for me to work at present.

You have to make the best decisions for your family's circumstances.

Some people are remarkably unimaginative about other peoples' lives. I remember in my second pregnancy that one woman seemed to take it as a personal affront that I thought that being barely able to walk with SPD (and looking set to end up as near housebound again) was a sensible reason to not be working as a casual supply teacher in secondary schools; she kept blustering about how she'd worked to the end of her pregnancies while wearing a lead apron. I was already using sticks to walk by 31 weeks as this conversation happened!

RobinPenguins · 30/10/2021 13:12

She doesn’t sound a good friend. I would never challenge my friends on their decisions to work or not work, I just assume they and their partners have made the best decision for their family circumstances.

It sounds a valid reason to let a friendship slide.

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