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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend quizzing me about why I won’t return put ASD son in daycare to return to work

73 replies

Opal93 · 30/10/2021 12:48

So I’ve posted before an how I am a SAHM to my son who has severe autism and am made often feel like I have to justify this choice as people seem to frown on me not working. My friend began telling me yesterday it’s time I went back to work and that daycares do include ASD children. I said yes they may include ASD children but that does not mean they can cope with the severity of my sons needs and also, I know my son and know he couldn’t cope. He can barely manage a full day at special needs school so I know any after school program would be too hard for him. She basically said I am making excuses for not working, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t work now he is at school and how do I know he wouldn’t cope with daycare if I haven’t tried. I ended up leaving and she is now wondering why I am not replying to her texts anymore. I think I know I’m not BU here but the comment that I haven’t tried has gotten to me. Ok, so technically I could try it but the issue with me returning to work is the time off if need to take (my son is regularly off school due to his gastrointestinal problems, and being sent home.) and also the school holidays, I don’t know what job I could get that allows me to be off during those times and there are no special needs summer schemes or anything anywhere near me. I feel being at home with him is what he needs so AIBU to end a friendship with anyone who can’t accept that?

OP posts:

2bazookas · 30/10/2021 13:13

Text her "thanks for offering to care for my son; which day suits you best? "

Riapia · 30/10/2021 13:13

Obviously she’s about to start up a child minding business.
She’s touting for customers.
Tell her which days and times you will need.
No doubt she’ll be delighted. 😉

ArthurTudor · 30/10/2021 13:15

I would cut her out. None of her business even if your child did not have ASD! Friends don't judge and belittle you.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 30/10/2021 13:15

Agree with pps. Tell her to fuck off.

I'm where you are right now op , my child has managed 5 hours a week in his nursery on a good week. It's draining getting up and ready not knowing if you're returning home with your child immediately as it's just not the day for it. The worse day was when I'd dropped them off walked 2 miles home , sat about to take a sip of tea and the nursery rang asked me to come and pick them up.

I understand , and I get the feeling that unless this 'friend' were to walk a mile in your shoes she'll continue to badger you about this.

Take care of yourself op , please don't allow people like this to be your inner circle.

Chloemol · 30/10/2021 13:22

It’s none of her business what you do

As to not replying to her texts I would respond and tell her that how you run your life, and how it works for your family has nothing to do with her, she was incredibly rude and has upset you, you aware her apology and assurance she won’t butt in again

Then see what happens

Bu5 no you are not being unreasonable to end the friendship

LoveGoldberg · 30/10/2021 13:27

Set up a special needs summer school! Then you are free during term time to look after your son and you can assist others at working over the holidays if it’s an appropriate setting for your child to do it from home!

Although I’m aware it’s probably not this easy!

steff13 · 30/10/2021 13:36

@RobinPenguins

She doesn’t sound a good friend. I would never challenge my friends on their decisions to work or not work, I just assume they and their partners have made the best decision for their family circumstances.

It sounds a valid reason to let a friendship slide.

This. I work, but I have friends who are SAHMs. I have literally no opinion on their choice, nor do they have an opinion on mine. And I don't really understand people who do have an opinion. We all do what's best for our families. 🤷‍♀️

buttcrackmcheese · 30/10/2021 13:39

Don't feel forced to work. One of my kids has special needs and I didn't work until they were settled at school and I stopped getting calls to pick up. Took till 7 years old.

RightOnTheEdge · 30/10/2021 13:42

YANBU she isn't a very nice friend.
Why does she think it's any of her business? I hope you have other more supportive friends OP.

milkyaqua · 30/10/2021 13:43

My friend began telling me yesterday it’s time I went back to work

That's outrageous. Only you know when that time might be for you (and that may be never).

Elephantsparade · 30/10/2021 13:48

I have had this about part time working. My son with ASD started secondary this year. But he cant be left alone and is like a much younger child. There is no childcare for him at all and he only attends his special school where he has 2:1 support part time hours of 3 hours a day. Its not close to home either so involves a drive.

Apparently I should work full time now he is at secondary and my husband must be fed up of me not pulling my weight.

dudsville · 30/10/2021 13:54

I'm not going to vote because my answer doesn't neatly fit. Other people may ask you to account for your actions. Whether or not you engage in that topic is really up to you.

lurkingattheback · 30/10/2021 13:59

I'm in a similar situation. I think it shows your friend doesn't understand your sons needs, they don't listen when you talk, they aren't interested in your struggle they only know their life. I would tell they to stop being so ignorant. They are draining.

2typesofjungle · 30/10/2021 14:04

It would be interesting to hear from the people who have voted YABU

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 30/10/2021 14:04

@Clocktopus

I posted this on another thread earlier this week.

My two disabled DC are in FT school now and I don't work. I'm essentially 'on call' during the school day for the inevitable "he's forgotten/lost please can you bring it/a replacement" phone call, EHCP reviews, target setting meetings, DLA reviews, appointments to discuss whatever it is that's not working in school, can I come collect because they're unwell/melting down/have had an accident, then there's the days of refusing to go to school so they have to be taken in late once I've peeled them off the ceiling and calmed them down, the hospital appointments, the OT reviews, the physio check-ins, and so on. Some weeks I'll get the entire school day to myself, that's my time off and I need it, whereas other weeks I might be at the school multiple times or dealing with multiple appointments and phone calls and (aside from scheduled appointments) I can't predict in advance what any given day will be like. Its not conductive to also holding down a job, trust me I've tried it.

Your friend needs to mind her own business.

This.

She needs to wind her neck in if she can’t grasp that you know your circumstances better than her.

1forAll74 · 30/10/2021 14:21

Why bother with a friend, who isn't a friend..? bin her, and put the bin out for the next collection of.

skodadoda · 30/10/2021 14:39

@2bazookas

Text her "thanks for offering to care for my son; which day suits you best? "

Brilliant 👏

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 14:52

Op, to put it nicely you need new friends. No friends would judge whether you are in work or not even more so when you have children and again more so if children have additional needs. Tell her to f**k off!

I get it op, my two are both autistic! They are both in primary school and I am struggling to find a suitable job around them and around my partners hours.

Finding childcare is not easy with children with sen. Childcare should be inclusive but that doesn't mean they can cope with a child's needs!

I don't think anyone realised how hard it so raising children with sen until they've been through it!! It's a full time job in itself!

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 30/10/2021 15:02

I think it is possible she resents you because in her eyes she is out working and you are at home. I think it is that basic. She believes somehow you have an easy life and she resents it. She clearly doesn't understand the needs of your son and it is none of her business.

I would tell her that that topic is off the table, you will not discuss it with her again.

Justwalkyourfineassoutthedoor · 30/10/2021 15:11

She’s not a friend. Tell her to F**k off and cut contact with her. She is no good to you or your son.

LolaSmiles · 30/10/2021 15:14

Good friends wouldn't behave like that. She's out of order and needs to stop weighing in when you're making the best choices for your family.

Blue4YOU · 30/10/2021 15:25

I’m i. A similar boat OP but with relatives rather than friends.
If a friend said that to me they wouldn’t be a friend any longer

Lynne1Cat · 30/10/2021 15:25

It's fuck-all to do with her, or anyone else, if you stay at home with your child. I was a SAHM too (many years ago, they're now 40 and 37!) and got all that crap from my (now late) MIL, who said that I should go to work.

Stick to what you know is best for you and your kid. Tell your "friend" to piss off.

Gilead · 30/10/2021 15:32

As someone who still looks after a 25 year old with ASC, I’d be telling her to fuck off to the far side of fuck snd then some.

Gardenlass · 30/10/2021 15:32

Your friend isn't really being a true friend to you. Proper friends support each other. She should leave you to decide what's best for your own son.
Or else, she might offer practical help like looking after him for an afternoon while you go shopping, or offer to do a shop for you, or whatever else you need.
I would be minimizing contact with her as she clearly has no idea of your son's needs.

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