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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend quizzing me about why I won’t return put ASD son in daycare to return to work

73 replies

Opal93 · 30/10/2021 12:48

So I’ve posted before an how I am a SAHM to my son who has severe autism and am made often feel like I have to justify this choice as people seem to frown on me not working. My friend began telling me yesterday it’s time I went back to work and that daycares do include ASD children. I said yes they may include ASD children but that does not mean they can cope with the severity of my sons needs and also, I know my son and know he couldn’t cope. He can barely manage a full day at special needs school so I know any after school program would be too hard for him. She basically said I am making excuses for not working, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t work now he is at school and how do I know he wouldn’t cope with daycare if I haven’t tried. I ended up leaving and she is now wondering why I am not replying to her texts anymore. I think I know I’m not BU here but the comment that I haven’t tried has gotten to me. Ok, so technically I could try it but the issue with me returning to work is the time off if need to take (my son is regularly off school due to his gastrointestinal problems, and being sent home.) and also the school holidays, I don’t know what job I could get that allows me to be off during those times and there are no special needs summer schemes or anything anywhere near me. I feel being at home with him is what he needs so AIBU to end a friendship with anyone who can’t accept that?

OP posts:

greenlynx · 30/10/2021 15:33

Does your friend give you money for living or is she involved in care for your DS somehow? If not, she doesn’t have a say in your decisions.

Lennybenny · 30/10/2021 15:34

Term time only job? Is friend implying you're claiming allsorts but could work?

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 30/10/2021 15:45

Term time only would be worse imo. When you work term time you're told to not make appointments etc until the holidays or at weekends , and they are not supportive if you insist that you must attend. I imagine they'd not be very understanding if you got called away from work regularly mon-fri.

billy1966 · 30/10/2021 16:58

@ArthurTudor

I would cut her out. None of her business even if your child did not have ASD! Friends don't judge and belittle you.

This.

She is no friend.

She needs telling to mind her own bloody business.

x2boys · 30/10/2021 17:05

Tell her to piss off ,honestly my son has severe autism and learning disabilities ,he's eleven at a special school and non verbal ,I don't think any kind of typical day care unit could meet his needs ,and most don't go past primary school age anyway ,and my son couldn't be left alone ,some people haven't a clue .

santabetterwashhishands · 30/10/2021 17:17

I had to give up
My job as my asd son couldn't cope with a day at his special school then childcare 🤷‍♀️
Also nobody could cope with him and then there's no holiday childcare available for his needs !
I hate not working it makes me brain dead but I had to put my son first.
My mother in law asks every time I see her when I'm going to get a job and I just pride myself on the fact I havnt punched her yet 🤪

TruJay · 30/10/2021 17:27

Absolutely none of her business.

I’m in the same boat. My two children both have special needs and disabilities.

When dd was 1.5ish I returned to study. I somehow powered through completing my degree through her and my son’s numerous diagnoses (that continue to stack up every time we see the pediatrician) I qualified in 2020 and since qualifying I have made the decision not to go straight into a job. It is a very demanding job and I know I cannot give it my all under our current personal circumstances. It is also not the type of job where you can just say ‘oh my dc have an appointment this day so I won’t be in’ like I could at Uni. I would have to be there everyday and my children have many, many regular appointments that make that impossible.
My god are people offended by it. People cannot seem to stand the fact that I do not work. If they paid my bills I could maybe understand why they were so bothered but they don’t.
Certain people that really will not let it drop, I’ve had to ask them if they’re volunteering to take over my role at home and at appointments if I get a job which seems to put a stop to the questions.

It’s really hard OP, I totally get you. Yes our children are now at school but we have lots of appointments for them, we get calls from school at anytime for them to be collected and also (I’m guessing for you too) we get very little sleep!

Some people will never be satisfied with the reason being our children have special needs but it’s not our problem that that reason is not enough for them. That is their issue. If your friend cannot accept that then maybe she is not a true friend. You do not need her opinions or judgements.
You are doing a very important job being there for your child when they need you and that is all that matters.

FangsForTheMemory · 30/10/2021 17:29

I’d tell her to keep her fucking opinions to herself.

Fadingout · 30/10/2021 18:26

Rude cow! I have two dcs with autism. Both at specialist schools and both would not be comfortable in childcare. Youngest is severely autistic and wouldn’t be able to access childcare not that there is any anyway. I have a term time only job. I’ve done it for nearly two years and I’m lucky I work part time from home. If this job disappears, it’ll be doubtful that I’ll get anything else. There have been times I’ve thought of jacking it in as it’s stressful, not well paid and my boss is tricky and doing the majority of caring has left me emotionally and physically burnt out. Ignore your “friend”.

x2boys · 30/10/2021 20:52

She also needs to know that often children at special schools or specialist schools get picked up and dropped off by school transport,the are often not accurate and some body needs to be there to get the child on and off transport .

Murdoch1949 · 30/10/2021 20:57

Blimey, your son, your choice. It sounds as if your son’s individual needs need to be your priority at this stage, if his health stabilises then you could reevaluate the situation.

CecilyP · 30/10/2021 20:57

She sounds horrible. Don’t think it would be any loss to you to end the friendship.

TryingMyBes · 30/10/2021 20:57

@Scautish

Your friend is a complete dick. 100% YANBU

I agree

Boudiccasback · 30/10/2021 20:58

Friendship over.

LegoLady95 · 30/10/2021 21:26

It's none of her business. If it makes you feel any better, I have a teenager with severe ASD and learning disabilities, plus 2 younger DC. I went back to work part time after he was born and am still working. I often feel judged (mostly by professionals) for working and not being a stay at home mum, especially as he has become so challenging over the last few years. Also special schools seem to assume that SEN parents don't work. So you can't win.

thelegohooverer · 30/10/2021 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thelegohooverer · 30/10/2021 22:02

Wrong thread. Sorry

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 30/10/2021 22:15

I have friends that are SAHM. It’s their choice. The only time I have ever asked one why she didn’t get a job was when she wouldn’t stop moaning about how they couldn’t go skiing … unless you are giving it “the poor mouth” tell them to piss off

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/10/2021 22:27

I've always worked. I have no experience of a child with ASD. But I know your friend is being a dick. Even if your chike didnt have additional needs it's none of her fucking business

MzHz · 02/11/2021 08:27

I lost my job once in a pretty traumatic way. As it was my oh was super supportive and actually there were a lot of things that needed sorting out at home, and it was vital someone was around to do that, in the end, when that was out of the way I got phenomenally bored and had to work really hard to get past the anxiety to contemplate putting myself back in the potential firing line, and I’m working, happily so.

However I’ll never forget the comment made by someone I thought was a friend “how’s retirement?”

It winded me in on a number of levels and it changed the view I had of her, which is always so painful

@Opal93 your friend isn’t a friend, I get that you don’t want a scene etc, so just distance yourself and know that you are doing the right thing for your child and that really is all that matters

FluffyBooBoo · 02/11/2021 08:33

Wtf.

I haven't been in your situation, but I'm pretty sure that working would be easier and less stressful than caring for someone with severe autism.

It sounds like she's lacking in empathy and understanding.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/11/2021 08:37

Ignore her and do what you need.

mummypie17 · 02/11/2021 09:24

Your friend is being judgemental and ridiculous. I have friends who are SAHMs with school age children without ASD and even though I think they could go back to work, it's really none of my business. It is between them and their partner and what works for them as a family.

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