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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Oh look, there’s the cleaner!’

102 replies

Grinchisback · 29/10/2021 15:40

Dp announced after totally blanking me.

At the beach last night with toddler & dog, I was in the middle of talking with Dp when he stares off down the beach and then says ‘Oh it’s the cleaner from x house! (a house he did some work on and visits regularly) She walked past us and said hi to him then to me, no conversation or how are you’s. He then starts saying ‘Oh she’s really nice’ etc etc.
He’s mentioned her or ‘The cleaners’ at that particular job a few times and how hard they work etc. Am I being crazy to feel weird about it? You know when you know them and they just say/act a bit differently?
Fwiw, she’s mid 30’s, dark, attractive

OP posts:
Original poster
Grinchisback · 29/10/2021 21:16

Anyone 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Eealoty · 29/10/2021 21:22

Deflection isn't a good sign, he should open up to you as you have done to him... Reassure you etc.

5128gap · 29/10/2021 21:35

I don't think that reaction means much. It is weird to be having that conversation by text if you're in the house together snd he might just feel its a bit daft. Talk to him in person.

girlmom21 · 29/10/2021 21:36

A texting argument isn't going to get you anywhere.

Original poster
Grinchisback · 29/10/2021 21:38

@Eealoty Yes, exactly how I feel, hasn’t reassured at all 🤷🏻‍♀️Or acknowledged it, why? Not even an angry, what the hell are you going on about or don’t be stupid

OP posts:
drpet49 · 29/10/2021 21:41

* It this really how people think? I take it you don’t trust him. So glad I don’t think like this. Just get on with life. If you don’t trust you partner find a new one and/or get counselling - alone or together*

^This

5128gap · 29/10/2021 21:44

He hasn't addressed the thing you want addressing, which is reassurance he isn't attracted to her, because that's not what you put to him. You went in from the angle of him being rude in talking about her when you were speaking and the criticism has annoyed him. Just ask what you want to know.

Original poster
Grinchisback · 29/10/2021 21:45

@5128gap Wouldn’t it be quite obvious to him, I said also how he’d talked about the cleaners there before etc

OP posts:
5128gap · 29/10/2021 21:49

[quote Grinchisback]@5128gap Wouldn’t it be quite obvious to him, I said also how he’d talked about the cleaners there before etc[/quote]
Maybe, but criticism doesn't put people in the best frame of mind to be reassuring. It makes them irritated and defensive.

Original poster
Grinchisback · 29/10/2021 22:03

@5128gap So you don’t think an avoidance tactic?

OP posts:
whatisthisinhere · 29/10/2021 22:04

You have a baby together, why can't you just ask him if he fancies her? How long have you been together?

whatisthisinhere · 29/10/2021 22:05

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I would have just asked him by now, probably straight after

Laiste · 29/10/2021 22:06

Firstly, i totally get what you mean OP. Mentionitis is real and is a red flag.

The text row is a shame.

In all honesty though, what is a good way to approach this? Getting down to the nitty gritty of what you actually want OP - you can't stop a person (DP) feeling what they feel (a crush?) no matter what you say or when.

You can tell him you've noticed something different.
You can ask him to tell you what is going on/how he feels.
You can ask him to rein in the mentionitis.
You can tell him you're unhappy.

The best outcome is that they say ''yeah, you know what, i do fancy her a bit and i'm sorry you've had to notice it. I'm being a prat. I;ll give my head a wobble''.

That's a lot to hope for though because the natural gut instinct is to deny and to deflect and to feel defensive. I think i would have advised saying nothing for a bit longer but the can is open a bit now.
Flowers

5128gap · 29/10/2021 22:08

[quote Grinchisback]@5128gap So you don’t think an avoidance tactic?[/quote]
I don't know. You can't tell by text. Though I do think if he had something to hide then he may have taken the opportunity of texting when he had time to plan his reply and you couldn't see his face/body language, to cone up with something to throw you off the scent. The fact he hasn't may mean there's no scent to throw you off. Pure speculation though.

TDogsInHats · 29/10/2021 22:13

I'm a cleaner in a large house and I often interact with other service people/gardeners/builders etc.
Just a general pass the time of day. If one's particularly horrible or friendly I'll tell DH about them.
In the way of saying perhaps, oh this builder is so much more friendly/condiderate etc than the other bloke.
And I have pointed out the decorator for instance when I've seen him out and about.
I've never given it a second thought.

Hattie765 · 29/10/2021 22:20

[quote Grinchisback]@FlorenceNightshade I guess not..his face just lit up[/quote]
Never a good sign, trust your gut.

DragonflyFairy · 29/10/2021 22:40

I understand why you're posting here for support. But none of us know you or your partner and it is all speculation based on your take of events. I mean this kindly as the best thing to do is probably take a deep breath, talk to your partner calmly and go from there.

Absolutely none of us can tell you whether he has a 'thing' for the woman in question or not and try to remember for every story of a woman suspecting something is up and it being true, there also plenty of happy couples who this never happens to.

Even if this turns out to be a non event it does seem as though there may be some issues in your relationship so I would try not to let relief get in the way of sorting that out, if it were me.

ANameChangeAgain · 29/10/2021 22:49

You obviously picked up on a bit of a vibe from him. If it is a bit of a crush then we all have them, they aren't a threat to your relationship unless they are acted on. Only you know your husband, but I wouldn't worry or read too much into it.

ManifestingWisdom · 29/10/2021 22:53

I SEE YOur problem. He's behaving very unattractively with his obvious crush.

21stDentistryGirl · 30/10/2021 00:01

I think you’ve probably picked up on a vibe but I suspect quite an innocent one - has something happened in the past? I feel like maybe your instincts are spiking based on form?

supersop60 · 30/10/2021 12:40

@drpet49

* It this really how people think? I take it you don’t trust him. So glad I don’t think like this. Just get on with life. If you don’t trust you partner find a new one and/or get counselling - alone or together*

^This

I thought like this, until it happened to me. If the OP feels something is off, then it's probably off, maybe not to any great degree, but probably needs a conversation.
Cluelessbeetroot · 31/10/2021 09:09

Why on earth are you arguing by text whilst being in the same house ?

90dayfianceaddiction · 31/10/2021 09:10

@Cluelessbeetroot She said she was getting her toddler to sleep in bed

Cluelessbeetroot · 31/10/2021 09:15

Yes I’ve read that bit thank you @90dayfianceaddiction but surely you’d wait 10 mins until the child is asleep and then go downstairs have a normal adult face to face conversation ?
Nothing good has ever come out of a text war.

FlorenceNightshade · 31/10/2021 09:23

@Cluelessbeetroot I disagree that nothing good comes out of it! Sometimes I find it easier to send a text explaining how I feel to my dh and he feels the same I think as he will usually send detailed texts back.
We don’t do it in anger though and not when we’re in the same house but I can definitely see how it can be a better option than talking and then potentially arguing