‘Oh look, there’s the cleaner!’

[Grinchisback]

Dp announced after totally blanking me.

At the beach last night with toddler & dog, I was in the middle of talking with Dp when he stares off down the beach and then says ‘Oh it’s the cleaner from x house! (a house he did some work on and visits regularly) She walked past us and said hi to him then to me, no conversation or how are you’s. He then starts saying ‘Oh she’s really nice’ etc etc.
He’s mentioned her or ‘The cleaners’ at that particular job a few times and how hard they work etc. Am I being crazy to feel weird about it? You know when you know them and they just say/act a bit differently?
Fwiw, she’s mid 30’s, dark, attractive

Sorry that he was blanking you.

I think the key thing is it has raised your hackles so to speak, which is a sure sign that something is not 'quite right'. I had this happen twice in my 20+ year (ex) relationship. It turns out now, after we have split, that I was right on both occasions. I may have missed more, who knows, but those 2 was spot on with. Irritating really. Wish I had listened to my gut at the time.

@WonderfulYou We had spoken all day, all
was fine, we were all by the seashore and I was in the middle of talking about Dd and he was just ignoring me, staring down the beach and then he said ‘Oh there’s the cleaner!’ I was like, what? 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote Grinchisback]@girlmom21 What?

She did recognise him and said hi.

I wasn’t talking about shagging.[/quote]
But all she said was hi. She said that to you too. You're clearly jealous and don't trust him.

Just found it to be a really weird moment as she walked past us and said hi, v awkward. She said hi more to me than him in a way-just weird!

@girlmom21 This instance on its own would mean nothing. I remember him talking about the cleaners and thinking ‘What?’ Just something in the voice..or something, hard to explain. I just picked it up straightaway

My goodness x DH mentioned a colleague over and over
He even said they’d exited the lavatories at the same time
“So must have been wiping at the same time “
I was staggered by this random comment and laughed it off -
Except he was indeed fantasising about her- and she him.

They had a sordid affair, and caused the breakup of our marriage.

He fancies the cleaner.
Mentionitis is a classic symptom.

@Grinchisback one person as far as I know. It was a crush I think. She was younger, but actually more powerful and well known in his field of work than he is. Much, MUCH more interesting, much thinner, prettier than me. And no kids. I'll never really know how reciprocated it was. He was working away. Things were grim for both of us at the time. 🤷‍♀️

Ii does sound a bit strange, like he’s boasting a bit that he’s got attention of attractive woman at some point in the past. Does he think that you are not nice?
I would say ‘Look there’s someone’ to DH only to alert him that there is someone we know around so he would have some time to remember this person’s name etc. He would do the same.

@greenlynx I’m not nice? What do you mean?

Oh no sorry if it sounds this way I didn’t mean this at all . I meant that could it be that your DH was thinking that you were not nice to him lately for some reason that’s why he mentioned about this woman being nice. I just found this focusing on her being nice a bit strange. But he could be just a bit bored tbh and making conversation.

Good God how insecure are you? He said hello, he said she's nice, he said she works hard.
What am I not getting? What's the problem?

Yes, I do this if I develop a crush on someone. I become alert to them too, and will,notice if they are somewhere I am. I will also try to walk past them to have an excuse to say hi to them.
But, I'm single. I would never do this in a relationship.
He likes her OP. Maybe nothing will come of it, it could be harmless

How did he 'blank' you on the beach? Not sure i understand that bit.

So he wasn't really paying attention to you and spotted her in the distance. As she passed she said hi. No attempt at conversation, with someone he knows? That's odd. That, plus the previous mentionitis would make me a bit suspicious. Most likely a little bit of a crush unless you have reason to suspect more?

Did he say "oh, look there's the cleaner" to basically forewarn you that he knew her and therefore that she was going to acknowledge him.

No one in these circumstances can advise whether or not they were acting strangely as none of us know your dh and /or the woman in question.

However, I would say to trust your gut as it normally isn't what someone says in words but the tiny imperceptible actions etc that start someone's spidey senses tingling.

I don't think this is odd, If a partner looks, or talks about another woman on occasions. Lots of people do this. Women do the same thing at times. Modern women should not be feeling insecure about such things.

@Walkingalot Yes, that’s what I find odd too, it wasn’t really even ‘How are you?’ Etc, usually there’s some quick chat to be polite, isn’t there? She looked fairly shy, said hi to him, then really sort of acknowledged me more

@Walkingalot I mean, he mustn’t know her that well if they wouldn’t even talk, or introduce me or Dd. That seems more normal

@RainforestLizard I’m not sure, maybe 🤔

@pinkyredrose Well, we were in the middle of a conversation, I was telling him about Dd and he just ignored me and was looking down the beach-staring, then he said scout the cleaner..she was pretty far away tbh! It just felt a bit awkward as she walked past

@Cosyblankets Just that ages ago, when he mentioned the cleaners a couple of times, there was something in that, that I sensed but I sort it forgot about it. That coupled with this just was a bit of a moment in my head-hard to explain, perhaps I am just massively insecure!

@greenlynx Yeah, so did I..just like she’s a nice person, a really nice person..I was a bit ‘So’ 🤷🏻‍♀️I don’t think in any connection to me
If she’s such a nice person and he knows her well enough to have a conversation, why didn’t they

Not sure if this helps, but we were driving through town earlier and I was talking to DH. Similarly he blanked me and said “there’s that (tradesperson) who came round to quote” me: confused DH: “you know, the one with the fancy (car type)”
I hadn’t even noticed. Tbh, DH will often spot random people when out and about, when I haven’t, and tell me where we know them from.
Not sure this scenario in isolation would make me jealous or suspicious.

What do you think of the follow up to it:

I’m in bed with Dd, did bedtime routine etc and just lay there whilst she fell asleep.

He texted me to ask if I was ok as was quiet, I said I was tired (true too!) but also said I just found it a bit uncomfortable how I was talking to him and he just cut me off to mention about some cleaning woman, I compared it to me doing it to say a builder who worked where I did and having said he’s really nice and having mentioned him a couple of times before and what a hard worker he was etc..and would he like that?
It’s of course started a mini argument (over text!) but the thing is he’s not addressed what I’ve said in any way, as in ‘Don’t be ridiculous, she’s just a cleaner at work’ or ‘She’s just a nice woman at work’ nothing about her or the situation I’m talking about. He’s just shutting it right down saying he’s not arguing or sending horrible texts and I need to look at myself