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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not being able to attend funeral

51 replies

fatisnotafeeling · 29/10/2021 10:35

MIL has been married to a man let's call him Fred for about 30 yrs, DH is almost 50 so he's been a big part of his life and we have been married 15 yrs together for 19. We have all been close and spent lots of time together, we have 4 DC and Fred is their grandad. Our youngest is 18 months, oldest DD is 20 and at university.

Sadly Fred died very suddenly last week, MIL is devastated of course. Fred has 2 grown up daughter and grandchildren on his side. His grandad let's call her Rosie was pregnant at the same time as me with our youngest DS, he was born 3 weeks before DS and at 3 weeks old he died of meningitis.

Here comes the AIBU, our youngest DS is very very clingy and we have no one other then DD1 who he will stay with, he goes to nursery 1 day a week when I work and it's been a challenge getting him to settle.
I had said to MIL that If DD1 couldn't have DS then I would have to sit out the funeral service but bring DS to the wake which is in a pub which she was happy with.

I had a call from SIL yesterday, DH sister saying that MIL had fallen out with Fred's daughter because she has said she doesn't want DS at the wake as Rosie doesn't want to see him. Of course I feel sad about not being able to go and support DH at the wake however I would never ever want to make Rosie feel awful, I can't imagine how I would feel in her position.

Now DH, SIL MiL and also my sisters think it's unfair to ask me not to go, that how I feel about not being able to go should be considered and that DH would like my support.

So is it me being too accommodating which I tend to do and they are being unreasonable or aibu ?

OP posts:

romdowa · 29/10/2021 10:38

Yanbu you've offered a compromise and that's not acceptable to them. If you can't find childcare then what would they like you to do?

Pumpkinsondisplay · 29/10/2021 10:39

Given she has lost her dgf and her ds I would sit this one out...
Your dh will have mil there.. Your ds being there will add to her grief... So you want to be blamed for that? Rightly or wrongly that's how she feels.
Have a private meet up at your home after the funeral with dh and mil.

Starlight86 · 29/10/2021 10:41

I think you've been very accommodating and thoughtful however, the fact you cant leave your DD with someone or pay an extra day in nursery that week or figure out some sort of solution is unreasonable to me.

Needs must sometimes.

And this is coming from a 3rd time mother with a covid baby who was terrified of everyone for a year of her life, its awful but needs must.

Starlight86 · 29/10/2021 10:41

** DS sorry not DD

Original poster

fatisnotafeeling · 29/10/2021 10:42

I am prepared to sit this one out I wouldn't want to add to her grief, it's DH and MIL and SIL feel I should be able to go.

I can't put him in nursery as they don't have the space unfortunately.

OP posts:

Original poster

fatisnotafeeling · 29/10/2021 10:43

DD can't have him as she is working so options are all out.

OP posts:

TulipsTwoLips · 29/10/2021 10:43

Does DD1 go to nursery with him?

TulipsTwoLips · 29/10/2021 10:44

cross-posted!

Original poster

fatisnotafeeling · 29/10/2021 10:44

No DD1 is 19 and at uni, DS1 and DD2 are at school and DS2 youngest goes to nursery 1 day a week but they can't have him any other day as they are full.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 29/10/2021 10:44

I think you shouldn't go personally this woman has lost a child and her grandfather and her emotions will be running high I think you need to be sensitive at this time and not go if you can't get your daughter to babysit .

RestingPandaFace · 29/10/2021 10:45

Could you see if nursery can do an extra day to cover the funeral. You might have to leave the wake early but you will be able to be there for some of it.

I would make clear that not bringing your DS is strictly a one-off though. It’s not your fault or your DSs that they had such a tragedy and you can’t hide him away his entire life.

JustLyra · 29/10/2021 10:46

I think it’s fine to sit it out.

Tbh I’d be tempted to “feel unwell” so that MIL and Rosie each didn’t feel bad about you missing out

RestingPandaFace · 29/10/2021 10:46

Ah sorry cris sois-y I see nursery is full. It might be worth asking again the day before as they may have a child isolating.

Otherwise sounds like you’ll have to sit it out.

Starlight86 · 29/10/2021 10:46

Then if all options are out I wouldnt go.

I thought perhaps you could ask someone in your side of the family to look after your youngest, or a good friend even to show face at the funeral for an hour.

But if there is no other option then you have done all you can.

Seems like a sad situation for all with alot of grief involved, best you stay clear with your DS x

BasementIdeas · 29/10/2021 10:47

Maybe check with the nursery on the day to see if any kids are off and you can get a last minute space?

Otherwise Rosie is being a bit unreasonable but it’s totally understandable in the circumstances and you should sit this one out

Mrsjayy · 29/10/2021 10:47

I think the people complaining about Rosie need to just leave it as it is, if you can't go you can't go.

JustLyra · 29/10/2021 10:49

Rosie may well be facing her first funeral since her child’s, and it’s her grandfathers so it’s not surprising she’ll be feeling more emotional than normal.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 29/10/2021 10:49

Honestly I think you're right and I wouldn't go either. It's barely been any time since she lost her son, and it'll all be so raw for her at her grandfather's funeral.

You do need to bite the bullet at some point with regards your son not settling with anybody, but now isn't really the time to tackle that.

MrsBobDylan · 29/10/2021 10:51

Your instinct and offer not to go is the right one. Funerals are for the living - your dh has his family there and may you and ds could walk to the park and let off a balloon for Fred?

Pandaly · 29/10/2021 10:54

I think you need to sit it out. If your youngest were older, say 4 or 5 then I think it wouldn't be right to exclude them from family events as they are part of the family.

Gazelda · 29/10/2021 10:59

So your ILs think you being present at the funeral over-rides the immense and overwhelming grief Rosie must be experiencing?

I think you are right to not go. It shows compassion for another mum.
I think they are (understandingly) focussing on their own grief and not recognising how much more intense this could possibly be for Rosie, which might be exacerbated by seeing your DC.
Your DH will have his family around to share his grief with, your MIL knows you'd be there to pay your respects if the situation were different.
I hope others will see that you're making the right call once emotions are t quite so raw.

NailsNeedDoing · 29/10/2021 11:01

You should be able to go, but that doesn’t mean your child should be able to go. If you can’t find childcare than that’s what the problem is. It is not that.

This day is going to be harder for Rosie and her Mum than your DH, who will already have his mum and sister around. It will be understandably very painful for them to see another family child who was born at the same time as theirs died, and while they might have to deal with that at some point, their father’s/grandfather’s funeral is not the time. It’s not their fault that you can’t get childcare and they shouldn’t have to suffer extra distress on an already difficult day for that reason. Honestly, it sounds like your DH, SIL and sisters are being very selfish to think that their wishes should come ahead of those of the blood relatives of the deceased.

Original poster

fatisnotafeeling · 29/10/2021 11:08

Thank you everyone I was pretty confident that my instincts not to go were right.

I will need to address DS separation anxiety, even with people he sees regularly he will not even let them cuddle him and I wouldn't want to leave him is he is going to be upset all day. It's taken 4 months just to get him to not cry all day at nursery, even nursery have said he's by far the child that has taken the longest to settle ever.

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 29/10/2021 11:14

This is a tough one and I have very mixed feelings...

Has Rosie seen your DS since her child died? If she hasn't then a funeral is not the right place for this to happen. But I can understand your MIL /DH not wanting your child to become excluded from all gatherings as this will cause a split in the family.

Really I think MIL as Fred's wife of 30 years should get the final say as to who is invited to attend his wake if there is a clash... remember however that funerals are public spaces and anyone can attend.

You need to talk to DH and potentially MIL and explain that you understand why they don't want DS there. But it is not them excluding YOU but your DS childcare arrangements. If they really want you there could you agree to go an hour after the start of the wake so that Rosie can go, see people and then leave if she needs to before your DS arrives?

How have family events worked since DS was born - has there been a split?

I'd talk to nursery, explain the situation and ask that they let you know if they have a no show even that morning which means that they could accommodate DS for the day/part of the day.

Notaroadrunner · 29/10/2021 11:29

So what do your Dh, mil and sil propose you do? This is as much Dh's decision as it is yours. Is he happy to upset Rosie on the day of the funeral by having Ds there? If not then what does he suggest? Childcare issues are not just yours to solve, they are also his. Could your older dd take a half day from work and stay home so that you can go to some part of the funeral, be it the service or the wake? Perhaps you and Dh could pay her to compensate for her loss of wages.

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