Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Not being able to attend funeral

51 replies

fatisnotafeeling · 29/10/2021 10:35

MIL has been married to a man let's call him Fred for about 30 yrs, DH is almost 50 so he's been a big part of his life and we have been married 15 yrs together for 19. We have all been close and spent lots of time together, we have 4 DC and Fred is their grandad. Our youngest is 18 months, oldest DD is 20 and at university.

Sadly Fred died very suddenly last week, MIL is devastated of course. Fred has 2 grown up daughter and grandchildren on his side. His grandad let's call her Rosie was pregnant at the same time as me with our youngest DS, he was born 3 weeks before DS and at 3 weeks old he died of meningitis.

Here comes the AIBU, our youngest DS is very very clingy and we have no one other then DD1 who he will stay with, he goes to nursery 1 day a week when I work and it's been a challenge getting him to settle.
I had said to MIL that If DD1 couldn't have DS then I would have to sit out the funeral service but bring DS to the wake which is in a pub which she was happy with.

I had a call from SIL yesterday, DH sister saying that MIL had fallen out with Fred's daughter because she has said she doesn't want DS at the wake as Rosie doesn't want to see him. Of course I feel sad about not being able to go and support DH at the wake however I would never ever want to make Rosie feel awful, I can't imagine how I would feel in her position.

Now DH, SIL MiL and also my sisters think it's unfair to ask me not to go, that how I feel about not being able to go should be considered and that DH would like my support.

So is it me being too accommodating which I tend to do and they are being unreasonable or aibu ?

OP posts:

Fink · 29/10/2021 11:53

But Rosie's son died 15-16 months ago. She can't expect to avoid children forever. I've experienced pregnancy loss (thankfully not infant death) and been in support groups for it, so I've seen how it affects people differently and people grieve differently. But she's completely unreasonable to expect you not to attend a big family event well over a year after her child's death, her own loss can't dictate the whole family's behaviour forever. Of course you should go to the funeral. You should make sure she knows you will both be there, and if she doesn't want to attend then that's up to her, but the rest of the family should not have to miss out on major life markers for years to come. I might have answered differently if her child had died recently, but even then a family funeral is such a big deal that it would be awful to exclude people from it.

ScamTheSchool · 29/10/2021 12:08

Fink it could well be the first funeral she has gone to since that of her child. It's not a party she's asking the OP's DC to stay away from. As for the rest of the post, words fail.

OP, I think you're right to sit this one out. It is the kind thing to do. DH will have his sister and mother there.

Fink · 29/10/2021 12:24

ScamTheSchool Exactly, it's not a party, it's something much much more important than a party. This man will only ever have one funeral (unless he gets buried abroad or something, which seems unlikely), to miss it because of one woman's unresolved grief is not reasonable.

It's possible, I suppose, that she hasn't been to any other funerals in fifteen months. Some people seem to only go to funeral of close family or friends, maybe she's one of those. Plus there was a period during lockdown when funeral numbers in England were severely limited (6 then 30 people), so yes, she will have been to fewer funerals than usual. But that doesn't alter the length of time which has passed since her child died and the fact that this man's funeral is a big deal which his (to all intents and purposes) daughter-in-law should be able to attend just as much as his granddaughter.

NailsNeedDoing · 29/10/2021 12:29

@Fink she’s not avoiding all children forever, she’s asking to avoid one single child that sadly is associated with a very painful and recent trauma on the day of her grandfather’s funeral. It’s really not that much to ask. Op isn’t being excluded by other people, her circumstances are excluding her because she can’t get childcare.

Even without the extra issue it’s not unusual for people to not want small children at funerals.

When you’ve lost a child, or a spouse, 15/16 months is still very recent. As awful as pregnancy loss is, you can’t compare it to the loss of a three month old baby.

Blueroses99 · 29/10/2021 12:33

Haven’t RTFT but agree OP that you should stay away for Rosie’s sake. The first funeral that I attended after my DS’s was incredibly painful (it was the same crematorium) and you are being kind and thoughtful. Because of the closeness in age, your DS will be a reminder of the child that she lost. That association needs to be broken in order to be able to have future family gatherings, but this is not the time.

AmDillDandin · 29/10/2021 12:35

It's entirely possible that this might be the first funeral Rosie will attend since her baby died. It's also entirely possible that every single funeral she attends for the rest of her life will bring back the feelings of attending her own child's.

Under those circumstances, I think it's totally reasonable that she may struggle with a child the same age as the one she lost being their at her grandads funeral, less than two years since the loss.
I think the OP sounds very kind and understanding, and IMO she should stick to her decision not to go.

Fink · 29/10/2021 12:35

Ok, I guess I just have different expectations of funerals from the previous couple of posters. And, has has come up on countless funeral threads before, English people in general do have a wide variety of understandings of what funerals are for, who should be there etc. As you say, @NailsNeedDoing, some English people don't even expect children to come at all. In that case, I think it's up to the OP to negotiate this particular funeral with her family because other people will have different expectations. Certainly in our family it would cause great upset if anyone at all were excluded from a funeral, much more if it were someone who had known the deceased well, no matter what the circumstances. But if the OP's family see funerals differently then that's really up to them to sort out between them.

Pandaly · 29/10/2021 12:36

But Rosie's son died 15-16 months ago. She can't expect to avoid children forever. I see what you're saying but this is a funeral, a difficult and sad event as it is.

Datsandcogs · 29/10/2021 12:55

I understand your dilemma and think you are very generous to consider Rosie’s feelings so much. I understand Rosie’s concerns but I think that she needs to compromise too, maybe be warned that you will not arrive at the wake until a particular time (maybe let her be there for the first half hour and arrive after that, it doesn’t mean she needs to leave but she can if she chooses). Ultimately it’s MIL’s opinion that is more important than Rosie’s, if MIL wants you there then you should be there, I think that would be good for DH too.

Original poster

fatisnotafeeling · 29/10/2021 17:29

Thank you for your good ideas PP, I will ask nursery to contact me if they happen to have an absence on that day, the funeral isn't until 12 so would give them time to contact me.

I also think that giving Rosie a time when I will be at the wake will be a good idea too so she can perhaps arrive after I've left with DS if it comes to it.
The thing is she isn't going to the service as it's at the same place her DS was at so she will only be going to wake herself. I didn't know this was the case until this afternoon.

I do feel that she won't be able to avoid DS forever, we cannot exclude him from every family event it's not possible and not fair to expect us to do that but this is not the time to force the issue.

OP posts:

SickAndTiredAgain · 29/10/2021 17:40

I don’t think Rosie is being unreasonable. I would think she was being massively unreasonable if it were another occasion, a wedding for example, she can’t expect your son to never be involved in family events.
But at a funeral that will already be hard, it wouldn’t be an issue I would push on.

ChimChimeny · 29/10/2021 18:34

let off a balloon for Fred?

Please don't do this. Maybe let your DS choose a plant for the garden in his memory instead

Viviennemary · 29/10/2021 18:45

Why can't you just send your DS to nursery. Not surprised she doesn't want to see your DS under such tragic circumstances. No way can he go.

PumpkinPie2016 · 29/10/2021 18:48

I think you sound lovely and really accommodating. Rosie has obviously been through an unimaginable trauma and now has also lost her grandad so it's understandable.

She can't avoid your son forever but you are right, this is not the occasion to introduce him (assuming she hasn't already met him?).

Definitely ask nursery to let you know of any other absence. Is there really no way one of your sisters could have DS - even for an hour?

I think if there is no one to have DS, you would be best to sit this out, for Rosie's sake.

Crunchymum · 29/10/2021 19:00

The issue isn't Rosie avoiding children per se but Rosie not wanting to see a child who was born at the same time as her DC who died, at her granddad's funeral.

To be honest I'm surprised your MIL, SIL and DH aren't being a bit more compassionate.

It's a relatively new loss for her and it was the loss of her baby.

Crunchymum · 29/10/2021 19:02

@fatisnotafeeling

Thank you for your good ideas PP, I will ask nursery to contact me if they happen to have an absence on that day, the funeral isn't until 12 so would give them time to contact me.

I do feel that she won't be able to avoid DS forever, we cannot exclude him from every family event it's not possible and not fair to expect us to do that but this is not the time to force the issue.

Can't you go to the service and not the wake then?

Notaroadrunner · 29/10/2021 19:13

@Fink

I've experienced infant loss and I think it's more the fact that op's baby is the age Rosie's baby would also be, therefore a little more difficult to handle especially in a time of further grief.

Original poster

fatisnotafeeling · 29/10/2021 19:17

@Crunchymum I wouldn't take DS to the service he would not sit still or be quiet for any length of time, that was why I was going to take him to the wake as it's in a pub and no reason for him to sit still.

I have spoken to MIL to tell her DD1 can't have DS and she sounded so disappointed that I can't make it, she was upset that the day FIL died I was going to go with DH and of course DS to see her but she called and asked me not to go with DS as Fred's daughter was there also and Rosie was planning to pop in, we live an hr away so i couldn't just pop in when they had left otherwise I would have done that.

Unfortunately my DS due to being a lockdown baby doesn't really know my sisters and beside that they all work, the same with my DM and Dad. He doesn't know anyone well at all, I have a cousin who has DCs that we visit every week and I've tried to pop out to the car or to the toilet so he can get used me not being around all the time but he freaks out and gets so upset that he's sick.

I will just hope that nursery can take him on that day.

OP posts:

Buttons294749 · 29/10/2021 19:26

I don't think you need to go at all. It's upsetting for Rosie, his blood relative which takes precedence. MIL has also been married to a lovely new man for a similar number of years and if when the time comes, his daughter didn't want me at the funeral I would pay my respects in another way on another day

ANameChangeAgain · 29/10/2021 19:35

Call me a hard faced cow if you like, but I agree with @Fink. I would stay away if one of the chief morners asked me to, but I wouldn't be happy, your DH needs you there.
Whilst I have every sympathy for your husband's step sister for the loss of her baby, its unfair to expect you to keep yours hidden. Similar happened to my sister, her SIL had a stillbirth when my sister was pregnant. My sister was asked to stay away, even after her baby was born, because it was too upsetting for her SIL. She of course obliged but being pushed out did a lot of damage.

This is your MIL husband's funeral, her family in its entirety should be allowed to attend if they were part of her husband's life.

Stompythedinosaur · 29/10/2021 19:43

I think you are right to just sit this one out. His daughter's feelings meed to take priority.

Crunchymum · 29/10/2021 20:04

So you have no plans to go to the service @fatisnotafeeling?

In that case sit it out.

I'm sorry but Rosie's reason/s supersede yours (you can only go to the wake as your DC wont be quiet for the service or stay with anyone else versus Rosie not feeling able to attend service due to this being where her baby was laid to rest just over a year ago)

I am beginning to wonder of you are quite as happy 'not to go' as you originally say OP, as really this should be done and dusted now. You have a noble and valid reason to not attend, your DH and inlaws should respect that. Unless actually think you deserve to be there more than Rosie?

Crunchymum · 29/10/2021 20:05

FFS should say

"Unless you actually think you deserve to be there more than Rosie?"

Original poster

fatisnotafeeling · 30/10/2021 08:47

@Crunchymum no of course I don't feel that way, Rosie is his blood relative so she has more right to be there.

I do feel sad I can't attend though but that can't be helped.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 30/10/2021 08:50

Jeez some of the lack of empathy on here for a woman who lost her child less than 18 months ago (not from the OP) and is facing another loss and family funeral is pretty shocking.

Flip

1 2 3