OW being around my child

[holeofdreams]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

My ex husband had an affair and we separated for a short while, which resulted in him having a short relationship with the OW and she fell pregnant. I stupidly took him back for a couple of years but have since divorced.

The OW and child live a couple of hours away. My ex has taken both children away for a few days and is taking the children to an event near the OW home on the way back and she has asked to join them but I don’t want this woman around my child and told my ex no.

My child has only seen the OW a couple of times for a few minutes and my child said she was nice to them. AIBU for not wanting this woman around my child?

I think you need to put your child above your feelings. Having never been in the situation it’s hard to know how I’d feel. It’s a tough one I’m sure x

I'm not keeping any of the children apart. Like I said my child's sibling plays at my house sometimes and gets invited to my child's birthday parties etc. I just didn't want the OW to be around my child when she doesn't really have to be and I know now it's better to just grin and bare it.

It doesn't hurt as much years down the line but I'm still hurt with what happened. Hopefully eventually it'll just be a distant bad memory.

@Embroidery

The OW child is your childs sibling. You have no right to keep them apart.

But she's not keeping the children apart, she even has the child at her house at times.

She's just saying she doesn't want the adult around her child. I can understand that, even though it's not really feasible, if the relationship between the children is to continue.

Your exh has treated both of you badly and he is the issue, not the OW. Your child and their half-sibling are always going to be in each others lives and it will be so much better for your child if you can release your angry feelings towards their sibling's mother. Imagine a future where you also build a relationship with this half-sibling...life would be so much more comfortable for you and happier for the children.

I'm speaking from experience. My older daughters have half-siblings and we all have caring and loving relationships. They also have step-siblings who they love like their own. This is so valuable to them and it makes me happy that they have this as it really enriches their lives. I am friends with the half-siblings mum but not the step-children's mum...she's unkind and unwelcoming and, because of this, she is the one on the outside and the kids are careful of what they say around her so she's the one that loses out.

You don't have to change overnight but maybe work towards some more positive feelings. Your exh is getting off lightly if you still aim your anger at her rather than him.

It absolutely sucks but unfortunately as everyone else has said, she's having a baby with him, she's the mother of your children's half sibling.

Perhaps try to take some private comfort that you don't have to be married to him anymore and she does?!

It’s your ex OP that is the most obvious twat in this scenario

And the OW fell pregnant. And then he left her for you. Ans then went back to you.

The pair of you have been treated like shit by him

Hmm I know the right thing to do is paint on a smile and pretend it's fine but in real life - no fucking way

I suppose it would be different if they were still together, just because logistically it would be difficult for her not to be involved in some way - but she's just your ex's ex, nothing to your kid!

And those saying it was the DH who was to blame, not her - the OP has no choice but to support her ex to have contact. She doesn't have to play along with this random woman who played a huge part in breaking up her child's family!

I'm so sorry to say this to you, because I know you must be hurting. But you're allowing that hurt to take over. You have no right to dictate when and where your child and his half-sibling can meet. It's your choice when your child is with you, but when they are being looked after by their father it's up to him. What if they all want to go on a holiday together at some point? Do you say to your child "no you can't go because it means spending time with your half-sibling's mother?" Actually you are a block to them spending time together because you're saying it can't involve that child's mother.

You're allowed to be around your child's half sibling but his mum can't be around your child? The only difference is around what blame is apportioned in a break up of a relationship. And what on earth has that got to do with the children who are involved? Eventually your child will be old enough to see your meddling and won't thank you for it in the slightest.

It must be hard but I would try to put a full stop to thinking of her as the other woman and think of her as xs mum. It will be much better for both kids parents hating each other is so damaging and until kids grow up they don't understand why. I know it's not your co parent but it's a coparent in your childs family dynamics.

For yourself put the bad feelings away maybe some therapy? it's not worth holding onto the hurt they caused you its only hurting you more. Do it for yourself to make your life better.

Actually I don't think you need to suck it up, I only want people I can trust round my child, yes she's the mother of your child sibling but that does not mean the hurt and pain she caused you should no longer matter, and I wouldn't ever be able to trust her. Yes encourage the siblings to have a relationship but they can have that through the father. She doesn't need to be involved at all. Whilst a child should come first but by not acknowledging your pain isn't the answer.

Ultimately all you will do is cause your child stress if you continue to do this. I speak from experience of being the child from yeh first relationship and my mother made it awkward for me to be around my siblings mother and it’s just not fair.
Unless she is abusive or hurts your child then you’re being ridiculous. It’s not about you.

@finallyme2018

Actually I don't think you need to suck it up, I only want people I can trust round my child, yes she's the mother of your child sibling but that does not mean the hurt and pain she caused you should no longer matter, and I wouldn't ever be able to trust her. Yes encourage the siblings to have a relationship but they can have that through the father. She doesn't need to be involved at all. Whilst a child should come first but by not acknowledging your pain isn't the answer.

And how can the op stop it? Unless there is safeguarding reasons which this wouldn’t count as then she can’t, and she has the child round hers but she doesn’t want the other woman to be around her child?

TurnUpTurnip The op has already said her ex said he wouldn't do it. She was asking if she was unreasonable to not want her child to meet the women. I said I didn't feel she was. Personally as a child who parent wanted me at 12 to meet the other woman because she had a child. I cared more about my parent left behind. I didn't want to meet her, the child no problem would of met them. But no way was I going to hurt my innocent parent. Even though the innocent parent said it was ok. I knew it wasn't.

@holeofdreams

I'm not keeping any of the children apart. Like I said my child's sibling plays at my house sometimes and gets invited to my child's birthday parties etc. I just didn't want the OW to be around my child when she doesn't really have to be and I know now it's better to just grin and bare it.

It doesn't hurt as much years down the line but I'm still hurt with what happened. Hopefully eventually it'll just be a distant bad memory.

I hope so too. I don’t think from what you’ve said you don’t want her near him as it is in your child’s best interests for her not to be hear him, he needs to feel part of the family on both sides.

As hard as it is, it seems you don’t want her round him due to the fact you are still in pain over the fact he is with her now, and how your marriage ended.

Potentially therapy might help?

* I only want people I can trust round my child,*

That surely rules out your ex?

You'll just have to lump it I'm afraid, you cannot dictate who your ex sees when he has his child.
I'd want to scratch her eyes out personally but it's a battle that you can't win - it's better to just elegantly move on.

I think you’re amazing to put so much effort into your child’s relationship with their half sibling. Having play dates at yours is above and beyond.

It sounds like this has been resolved and he’s not going to see her, it’s good he’s listened after yet another moment of selfish twatedness.

More power to you

The thing is, I wouldn’t want them feeling pity for me and discussing me together, and that’s what your position will force to happen. For me not letting them see my hurt and inability to move on would have me permitting the relationship and not standing in the way,,,that reason and because it would be in the child’s best interests, and because also ultimately it’s not my decision.

For me, maintaining my dignity and not getting pity from them would be critical when it gets to years after, even if the truth was very different.

@finallyme2018 but this mindset is using a child as a weapon due to the pain someone caused you. Can you not see how selfish that is? How that can cause a child to feel put in the middle?

How realistic is it to never meet your half sibling’s other parent? Trying to ostracise a child from other blended family members isn’t very fair on the child.

Don’t think your child will grow up & respect your decision to use them as a weapon. They may resent you for it.

So letting your personal emotions get the better of you can really backfire, with lifelong repercussions that can impact your relationship with the child you’re trying to control.

I'm not keeping any of the children apart. Like I said my child's sibling plays at my house sometimes and gets invited to my child's birthday parties etc. I just didn't want the OW to be around my child when she doesn't really have to be and I know now it's better to just grin and bare it.
I wonder how happy the mother of your child's half sibling is about that. Maybe she is seething like you.

@choli the child has been around me since more or less from being a baby. The OW has never expressed any problem with me being around her child.

My child is on the way home now and didn't meet up with the OW. Her name rarely gets brought up tbh. Like I said I'm going to grin and bare it if anything like this ever comes up again.

Thank you for all the advice.

OP she hasn't expressed to you that she doesn't want you around her child but she may have expressed it to other people.

She would have been told that even though your ex is an a-hole she needs to put her feelings aside to allow her child to have a good relationship with their half-sibling.

Oh and your ex is proving he is an a-hole yet again. He will be completely aware that you can't stop him from having his other child's mother around your child so he trying to upset you and cause an argument.

The best thing to do is not to respond in anyway to your a-hole ex.

You need to stand tall and put a dignified face on and act like you don’t give a damn. The OW is now step mother to your child so refusing to let them have come tact or trying to prevent contact will only have a detrimental affect on your own child in the long run.

@logsonlogsoff

You need to stand tall and put a dignified face on and act like you don’t give a damn. The OW is now step mother to your child so refusing to let them have come tact or trying to prevent contact will only have a detrimental affect on your own child in the long run.

She's not OP's child's stepmum. She is the dad's other ex who also shares a child with him.

They are not together, this would have just been a one-off day out because dad was taking both of his children to attend something OW's 2nd child would also enjoy.

YABU.

Take your own feelings out of the equation. It is a day out for your daughter and their sibling. You should want her to have a good time and if this lady is nice to her then you should want them to have a positive relationship.

I just don't get the mentality of mothers not wanting their child to have a positive relationship with the ex new partner etc.