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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OW being around my child

108 replies

holeofdreams · 27/10/2021 19:07

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

My ex husband had an affair and we separated for a short while, which resulted in him having a short relationship with the OW and she fell pregnant. I stupidly took him back for a couple of years but have since divorced.

The OW and child live a couple of hours away. My ex has taken both children away for a few days and is taking the children to an event near the OW home on the way back and she has asked to join them but I don’t want this woman around my child and told my ex no.

My child has only seen the OW a couple of times for a few minutes and my child said she was nice to them. AIBU for not wanting this woman around my child?

OP posts:
FreedomFaith · 28/10/2021 07:50

@choli

Doesn't seem that nice to me, when she didn't mind shagging someone else's husband. Kind of the opposite of nice. The child has visitation with the father who fucked around much more frequently, but it's the woman he fucked that you have a problem with?
He has several flaws, but he is the dad. You think you should stop the kid seeing their dad?

The ow is a nobody. They don't need to be in the child's life. If she was still with the dad, then yes, but she isn't.

choli · 28/10/2021 08:34

The ow is a nobody. They don't need to be in the child's life. If she was still with the dad, then yes, but she isn't.
And the sibling is also a nobody in your view?

BigYellowHat · 28/10/2021 08:36

It sucks but you can’t enforce these sorts of things unfortunately.

FreedomFaith · 28/10/2021 08:42

@choli

The ow is a nobody. They don't need to be in the child's life. If she was still with the dad, then yes, but she isn't. And the sibling is also a nobody in your view?
The sibling isn't the issue here, it's the ow wanting to spend time with both children, one of whom isn't hers, and her ex. She has no need to, if she wants to try and play happy families, she can go that with her child only. No need to bring someone else's into it when 1. that child is from the family who she helped to split up and 2. she is no longer even with the guy. Seems a bit weird really that she wants to spend time with a child that she is no relation of.
Original poster
holeofdreams · 28/10/2021 09:03

Thank you for all the replies. I know I need to put on a fake smile and let them get on with it. I've spoken to my EXH this morning and she isn't going to meet them. Apparently her other child wanted to go to this event so she suggested meeting up.

EXH knows how I feel regarding the OW and him. Said he won't put me in a situation that still gets to me. The children see one another at least once a month and the OW's child regular comes over at pickups to play in my house which I have no problem with. I want the children to have a good relationship. Not their fault the other parents caused a heap of mess.

OP posts:
choli · 28/10/2021 09:11

1. that child is from the family who she helped to split up
No, that was totally on the cheating husband.

girlmom21 · 28/10/2021 09:16

@madisonbridges

I have no half siblings but I love my cousins who I guess are similar. It might be that the two children don't form a close relationship but hopefully they will because I love my sister and I'd like everyone to enjoy a similar relationship with a sibling, full or half. I can't believe peoole don't think a half sibling could ever be important in another's life.
How is a half sibling like a cousin?
Bluntness100 · 28/10/2021 09:21

Sorry op that this is so hard for you and you’re still struggling so much.

As you have rightly said, you need to put your child first, and do what’s best for them, and you need also to separate your pain about what happened to you and your kids relationship with him and her. In addition you don’t get final say, he’s entitled to make the decision here.

Sounds like he knows how hurt you are and they are trying to manage it, in relation to the kids.

Good luck

3scape · 28/10/2021 09:23

I see you've decided to fake being ok. Honestly it is probably the best course as difficult as you seem to be finding it.

As for him "sparing your feelings" what an utter shit he is?! He could have perhaps thought of his wife's feelings before cheating on her?!

You not caring two figs about his train crash of personal relationship s will send aclearer message. Stop giving him power over you and shut him out of your emotional life.

LindaEllen · 28/10/2021 09:32

I 100% understand why you feel the way you do about it .. but you have to encourage your child to get to know their half sibling. And you can't control who your ex is in contact with when your child is in his care.

I'm sure you would expect to be able to have a partner who gets to know your child.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 28/10/2021 09:44

@choli

1. that child is from the family who she helped to split up No, that was totally on the cheating husband.
He wasn't cheating though was he? They had split up when he had the relationship which resulted in the half-sibling.

OP - you need to think of all the positives here. The more people in your child's life who love her/him the better - s/he can only benefit from these extended family relationships.

Christmas1988 · 28/10/2021 09:51

I’m sorry I know it’s hard but YABU, it’s his time to spend with his children as he wishes.

FreedomFaith · 28/10/2021 10:03

@choli

1. that child is from the family who she helped to split up No, that was totally on the cheating husband.
Well not totally. She didn't have to sleep with him, she wasn't forced to, she chose to. I and many other women have had men try it on with them while they are in relationships, we funnily enough manage to not fall on top of them. Hmm He's still the worst one of the two, but she is not clean in this either.

A person can only have an affair partner if they have a willing person to help them do it.

choli · 28/10/2021 10:07

He wasn't cheating though was he? They had split up when he had the relationship which resulted in the half-sibling.
Then why is the OP referring to her as the OW?

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2021 10:24

@choli

He wasn't cheating though was he? They had split up when he had the relationship which resulted in the half-sibling. Then why is the OP referring to her as the OW?
I don’t know why

So it reads he had an affair, they split. He then met and had a relationship with his current partner. They split and he went back to the op. It didn’t work and the marriage ended in divorce, he’s now in a permanent relationship with the woman he had the initial relationship with when the op and him were split.

Mookie81 · 28/10/2021 10:25

He cheated, they split and during the split he had a kid; much clearer than Ross from friends.
As a child who felt stuck in the middle when my mum pulled these stunts, you need to suck it up for your child’s sake.

LittleMysSister · 28/10/2021 10:27

You are not being unreasonable not to want this, but you are being unreasonable to expect to be able to influence what your ex does on his time with your child.

I also wouldn't worry too much about this woman, they are not even a couple so, as you've said, your child hasn't and won't be spending much time with her.

LittleMysSister · 28/10/2021 10:31

@choli

He wasn't cheating though was he? They had split up when he had the relationship which resulted in the half-sibling. Then why is the OP referring to her as the OW?
My reading was that he'd had an affair with this woman, OP found out and they split, which resulted in him trying to make a go of it with the same woman, and she got pregnant. But subsequently they split, he & OP reunited for a while, but are now divorced.

So the woman is not his partner now.

Both she and OP are his exes.

Original poster
holeofdreams · 28/10/2021 10:33

My ex cheated on me with this woman, then we separated for a short while in that time a child was conceived and then stupidly I decided to take him back for a couple of years but we are now divorced.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/10/2021 10:35

@holeofdreams

My ex cheated on me with this woman, then we separated for a short while in that time a child was conceived and then stupidly I decided to take him back for a couple of years but we are now divorced.
So she was the same woman he had the initial affair with that caused you to split?
smoko · 28/10/2021 10:37

It’s never a good sign when a parent shows ownership over their child

You say “my child” but they’re not. Well they are but they aren’t just yours, are they.

If you took him back after getting OW pregnant feel that you have forgiven worse than him taking his child to visit her.

You have literally no right to stop him taking the kid to visit her, unless you doubt his ability to safely parent them while on his time.

Know it hurts…YANBU to be unhappy about it that’s for sure!

Embroidery · 28/10/2021 10:57

The OW child is your childs sibling. You have no right to keep them apart.

Embroidery · 28/10/2021 10:59

Are you divorced because of the OW and the child. You seem to be quite fixated on it.

Now your divirced you have no rights over where he goes or where he takes his child.

WTF475878237NC · 28/10/2021 11:05

I'm sorry OP it must hurt and bring it all back again.

LittleMysSister · 28/10/2021 11:06

@Embroidery

The OW child is your childs sibling. You have no right to keep them apart.
She isn't trying to keep them apart. The dad doesn't live with either of his children and they do spend time together as a three by the sounds of it.

OP understandably finds it galling that this woman could have been spending time with her child, but obviously that's not up to her since she and her ex are split up.

Are you divorced because of the OW and the child. You seem to be quite fixated on it.

Presumably his affair and subsequent fathering of a child with that person had quite a big impact on OP's ability to continue with her marriage, even if they did try and make it work for a couple of years after. A bit unfair to say she's 'fixated', she's just pissed off, as anyone would be.