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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ended this because I thought he was cheating?

82 replies

Shortnstresssed · 26/10/2021 22:17

I got together with my boyfriend in July this year. It’s not been the easiest relationship and we’ve had a lot of bumps along the road.

About a month or so ago he became quite distant with me for no reason. I asked when we should do something next and he said he’d let me know... but he didn’t. We didn’t actually speak for 2 weeks.

After those two weeks we started talking again and he invited me around to his after a night out. When I got there I noticed his room was fairly messy. His bed is right up against his window sill and I noticed that there was a condom packet that was empty. At the time, we weren’t using condoms. Also I hadn’t been there for over a month... it felt weird.

He said that he used it for a “posh wank” which I don’t really believe. He said it wasn’t his job to convince me.

After that I just seemed to have zero trust for him. Reasons include

  1. Talking about getting STI checks even when we were exclusive and had got one at the beginning of the relationship. When I asked him why he said “why can’t I check myself and keep myself healthy?” It just seemed odd that he decided to get that after 3 months of just sleeping with me?
  1. Wouldn’t follow me on social media until we had a massive argument. It took him 4 months to do it. When I did it was just full of local girls and he liked all their pictures
  1. Going MIA on nights out and not contacting me from like 7pm some nights for no reason
  1. Always being busy with travelling to various family members for days on end
  1. We had an argument because a girl texted him. Not a friend. Someone he just met. He said “I don’t want you to think anything of a few people texting me”

I’m really sad because that condom thing triggered something in me which didn’t believe a word he said. He kept saying he had fallen for me etc... but it always played on my mind. Also he would say things like “I’ve sabotaged our relationship and it wasn’t worth it”

I broke things off a few days ago but I can’t help but think I’m overreacting. We spoke about the break up and he was horrible. He let me talk about all my insecurities and just said I’m half wanting you and half wanting to just leave it. He also said it wasn’t his fault he got attention from girls... “people assume because I’m so good looking girls throw themselves at me”.

AIBU to assume he was cheating? Is there another explanation for it all. He said I was needy and insecure

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 27/10/2021 06:08

You've been going out for 3 months; you haven't been talking for about a month of that; and you think he's cheating on you. My goodness, what does he have to do to convince you he's not into the relationship and you should break it off?

RudestLittleMadam · 27/10/2021 06:45

3 months in and you’ve had some pretty serious arguments already all with the same theme- him cheating. Posh wank, my arse Hmm it’s all meant to be loads of great sex and fun dates right now. Sack him off. You don’t trust him and he doesn’t respect you.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 27/10/2021 06:51

You should have dumped him months ago.

Anyone who believes the ‘posh wank’ load of old tut will believe anything. As if blokes do this. They don’t like using condoms for sex. Why on earth would they use one for a wank?!

Whereismumhiding3 · 27/10/2021 06:55

He's absolutely cheating on you and irritated you found out

Not an over reaction at all to dump him. Gut screaming at you= you KNOW he was lying and shifty. Your sense can read body language and tell you when things aren't consistent with words someone says.

Stop talking to him or men you don't trust about your 'insecurities'. You mean your ' ability to read people' when somethings wrong...
Some of his phrases have been defensive "not his job to convince you" = 'can't explain it, as been caught ought and is getting annoyed by your lack of gullibility" .

3 months in this should be happy, hugely in love or hugely having fun (if not intending to get serious). None of the shite you are describing. Sounds it's become a crap relationship because he's shifty & dishonest

GoodnightGrandma · 27/10/2021 07:02

So he shagged someone else for two weeks, that ended so he needed a shag and called you.
Walk away, he’s using you.

LittleStar22 · 27/10/2021 07:16

You shouldn’t have given him
Another chance after he didn’t speak
To you for 2 weeks. That spoke volumes.

He did cheat on you. No other plausible explanation for that.
Please get the STI test. Listen to what he’s telling you and listen to his actions.

Peace43 · 27/10/2021 07:19

A) he’s definitely cheating
B) he ignored you for a fortnight
Definitely definitely not a keeper!

sskanky · 27/10/2021 07:20

Your life will be much easier if you run away from this man child

Subbaxeo · 27/10/2021 07:23

Why are you even asking the question? There are far better men around. Think yourself lucky you dodged a bullet.

Sandyseagul · 27/10/2021 07:29

Please leave him.
I could have written this myself 8 years ago and I wish someone had told me to run.

rjacksmiss · 27/10/2021 07:32

100% get him to fuck!

Geriatric1234 · 27/10/2021 07:34

6 months into a relationship should feel amazing. You should be floating on cloud nine at how exciting and wonderful this person is and how incredible and confident they make you feel.

Regardless of whether he was cheating*, this was going nowhere.

(*but I’d wager a few quid he was tbh.)

GoodGrief100 · 27/10/2021 07:44

@Shortnstresssed

I don’t know why I let my friends convince me I was overreacting. He made out he really liked me and I just kept changing my mind even though my gut was screaming at me
This comment makes me so sad. Assuming your friends advising you are female, what has happened to the world where women feel this is acceptable behaviour from a partner?? It's really not.
GoodGrief100 · 27/10/2021 07:47

@Youcancallmeval

Going against the above grain: I'm not sure why he's a dick as everyone states - you aren't in a relationship, you've been together 12 weeks and not spoken for part of that. You nagged him to follow you on SM Confused then complained when he did and you didn't like his whatever it was. He sounds like he will continue shagging you if you keep on going back for more, but if this situation is messing with your head, stop doing it.
Did you miss the part where he ignored her for 2 weeks, claims he's so good looking he can't help other women falling at their knees for him and the OPENED/USED CONDOM IN HIS ROOM?? Get to specsavers!
spotcheck · 27/10/2021 07:49

Right, OP
I'm going to tell you three things that will save you a ton of heartbreak in the future.

  1. You can break up with anyone if it doesn't feel right. It will probably still hurt, but you don't need anyone's permission
  2. You do not need a 'smoking gun' ( IE evidence of cheating) to break up with someone. The difference between disloyalty and cheating is only a matter of degree. You can ( and should) break up with someone for being disloyal. This includes him running around, getting other girls numbers/ SM info and messaging behind your back.
  3. Respect underpins everything. A relationship isn't worth having if there is no respect. If he ignores for weeks, he doesn't respect you. If he is keeping you a dirty little secret, he doesn't respect you.

So, it doesn't matter if he's put bits of himself inside other people. If he doesn't respect you, if he is disloyal, or if it just doesn't feel right, you should set yourself free.

ANameChangeAgain · 27/10/2021 07:50

You weren't over reacting. Even if he wasn't cheating (which is strongly suspect he was), the the relationship wasn't a good one, something was off.

spotcheck · 27/10/2021 07:54

Oh and

  1. Some guys are very good at arguing their innocence by making you feel like an insecure mess. They steamroll right over their bad behaviour, and make everything your fault.Those guys suck, and are not worth having.
Justcallmebebes · 27/10/2021 08:01

Even giving him the benefit of the doubt and say he wasn't cheating, he still sounds extremely unpleasant. Raise your bar

Tombero · 27/10/2021 08:12

I’m a great believer that there are two sides to every story and to give people the benefit of the doubt.

But, I think he was definitely cheating.

Well done for ending it. Hold your head high and don’t look back.

Tombero · 27/10/2021 08:13

and even if he wasn’t cheating, he sounds bloody awful.

Lairymary · 27/10/2021 08:17

Hmm. Willing to bet he now has an STI and tries to blame it on you which is why it's come up. Same happened to me..... except I didn't have one luckily. Gas lighting piece of shit. Sounds similar to my ex.

billy1966 · 27/10/2021 08:52

What a twit.

Definitely messing around.

For goodness sake use condoms.

They protect you.
Flowers

EmilyEmmabob · 27/10/2021 10:50

Oh god OP he sounds horrible. He sounds just like my ex - I broke up with him because he was a dick head, then took him back because I was a dick head. Once I took him back we had situations just like the ones you describe, I broke up with him and was so upset (he wasn't committing to me). Now, 13 years later, there are still pieces of information surfacing about the shit he was getting up to. I've recently lost 2 friends after finding out they slept with him whilst I was with him. I'm almost 40, married to a lovely man and have 2 children. Yet this fucking relationship is still coming back to bite me on the arse. DH is perplexed by the whole thing.

I know you aren't me, but please give yourself a chance and run! Do not engage, so fuck if he really likes you, he's putting doubt in your mind and that tells you all you need to know. Relationships shouldn't be this hard ever, let alone within the first year.

ScienceSensibility · 27/10/2021 15:42

OP, there isn’t a man alive who deserves this much of your energy and headspace!

Let alone this revolting gaslighting specimen!

Fuck him right off and start enjoying your life.

ScienceSensibility · 27/10/2021 15:49

@spotcheck

Right, OP I'm going to tell you three things that will save you a ton of heartbreak in the future. 1) You can break up with anyone if it doesn't feel right. It will probably still hurt, but you don't need anyone's permission 2) You do not need a 'smoking gun' ( IE evidence of cheating) to break up with someone. The difference between disloyalty and cheating is only a matter of degree. You can ( and should) break up with someone for being disloyal. This includes him running around, getting other girls numbers/ SM info and messaging behind your back. 3) Respect underpins everything. A relationship isn't worth having if there is no respect. If he ignores for weeks, he doesn't respect you. If he is keeping you a dirty little secret, he doesn't respect you.

So, it doesn't matter if he's put bits of himself inside other people. If he doesn't respect you, if he is disloyal, or if it just doesn't feel right, you should set yourself free.

This should be printed out and given to every teenage girl!

Bravo, spotcheck

Bravo 👏👏👏