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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I pay for anything?

103 replies

Hesreallyshort · 26/10/2021 11:18

Thinking of inviting a large group of mum friends (25 ish) out for my birthday for lunch at a large local restaurant (outside, lots of tables)
Do I pay for anything? It’s been ages since I’ve not had just family birthdays.
I’ve ordered a beautiful cake to be made, which we’ll all obviously have at the end,

OP posts:
Redcart21 · 26/10/2021 13:37

You need to make it very clear they are paying for themselves. Honestly, if I’m invited out to celebrate someone’s birthday, I wouldn’t automatically assume I will be paying for myself. In my group of family and friends, the host would often foot the whole bill. It’s like being invited to a wedding, you don’t expect to pay for the meal as a guest. Also depends on culture. Just make it explicit

Redcart21 · 26/10/2021 13:38

I should add, I totally don’t mind paying myself either. I’d just want to know the score in advance

SevenZebrasDancing · 26/10/2021 13:51

@TeenMinusTests

Would you like to join me for lunch at X on Y to help celebrate my birthday? Mains are of the order £12-£18, full menu is here. I will bring a cake for dessert. Let me know by Z so I can reserve some outside tables.
Perfect wording!
georgarina · 26/10/2021 14:00

I would invite people to lunch and say "I'll be providing a cake at the end" to make it clear what you are offering!

Orla1970 · 26/10/2021 14:09

It could get messy. Usually in my circle of friends and family if we are invited out for dinner the host pays so I think language is key in how you frame your invite and also whether you send an actual invite too as that suggests you are paying.

The only exception to this was a few years ago a relative invited about 18 family to lunch for his mums 70th. It was a bit unclear about who was paying but most of the family assumed the host was so all splashed out on fairly expensive gifts for the birthday girl. At some point it became apparent that the host wasn’t paying for everyone. By this point a couple of people had already left after thanking him. Then people were approaching staff to pay their share or what they thought their share was. I was last to pay. The host had just left and I was presented with the balance that was for about 6 people’s share!

I can only assume it was a mixture of no one taking sole responsibility for working out the bill and what amount everyone should pay. Alongside people genuinely thinking the host was paying as this was the norm in our family and some leaving without paying anything. And then there were the people who had lost track of what they had food and drink wise and left an approximate amount. None of this incorporating a tip.

So I’m super cautious about this now as I ended up paying for the two of us and about another four including the birthday girl as the son hadn’t bothered to pay for her either! That was an expensive afternoon as the wine and cocktails were flowing. Not for me as I was driving ! Grin

Explosivefarts · 26/10/2021 14:46

@Orla1970 I can imagine your face with the bill. What did you end up doing ?

Explosivefarts · 26/10/2021 14:47

Did you contact the son and tell him to reimburse you ?

PinkSyCo · 26/10/2021 15:28

Imo the inviter pays. If you can’t afford it, invite fewer friends.

Werehamster · 26/10/2021 15:51

If it's lunch will people be drinking though?

I don't think it's that hard to work out what you paid, but I once organised a lunch for 50 and the restaurant agreed to a set menu with unlimited soft drinks, so it worked out really easy as everyone paid the same amount.

I don't think it needs to be as complicated as some people are making. I'm sure it would be fun!

mountbattenbergcake · 26/10/2021 16:02

@PinkSyCo

Imo the inviter pays. If you can’t afford it, invite fewer friends.
That would mean zero social life for many.

What works for you doesn’t have to work everyone else.

FabricedeSauveterre · 26/10/2021 16:08

Is the restaurant ok with you bringing and serving your own cake?!

Orla1970 · 26/10/2021 16:09

[quote Explosivefarts]@Orla1970 I can imagine your face with the bill. What did you end up doing ?[/quote]
I just paid it as it was a bit embarrassing and not the fault of the restaurant staff. I mentioned it to the host who organised and he was very nonchalant about it. No big deal. Didn’t even say thanks Hmm

Notaroadrunner · 26/10/2021 16:37

@Orla1970 can't believe you paid for the extra people. I would have called him and told him he had to come back to settle the bill or better still told the staff to call him. No way would I have paid for the extras.

Orla1970 · 26/10/2021 16:50

[quote Notaroadrunner]@Orla1970 can't believe you paid for the extra people. I would have called him and told him he had to come back to settle the bill or better still told the staff to call him. No way would I have paid for the extras.[/quote]
I know. I wanted to do that but I was acutely aware that I earned significantly more than him and I just took the hit to keep the peace within the family and made a note to self never to get caught out with that /him again!

nurserypolitics · 26/10/2021 17:00

Yeah the bill splitting in that situation is the problem, rather than the fact everyone has to play. I wouldn't not do it, but with that number I'd try to arrange a set menu and ask the restaurant if people could have different tabs for drinks. At least if its a 3 course set menu for x amount, and ideally there's a separate bar, its a lot more straightforward.

In situations like a christening, or a wedding, I think its the norm for the host to pay, but if its mates going out for a birthday splitting bill is normal but I do think you need to make it clear in advance, and provide options so some people aren't subsidising others. We once had a horrible experience with a much much wealthier friend: invited out for dinner for her birthday, knew it was somewhere more expensive than we could usually afford but not much to be done. There were maybe six of us, birthday girl was the only one we knew, others were also high earners. We ordered as cheaply as possible off the menu, mains were similar prices: birthday girl's mate ordered two bottles of wine off a wine list we didn't see. I wasn't drinking, DH had one glass. Turned out to be a hundred quid per bottle of wine, birthday girl's friend then suggested we all split the bill evenly, and pay for birthday girl's meal. Having had a main each of about 25 pounds, we ended up paying over 100 for our 'share'. I'm still a bit bitter about it: DH was a student at the time, everyone else there was earning six figures. There are some situations its hard to speak up in.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/10/2021 17:02

@PinkSyCo

Imo the inviter pays. If you can’t afford it, invite fewer friends.
This.

Sorry @Hesreallyshort, probably not what you wanted to hear.

CreepySpider · 26/10/2021 17:08

I’m surprised by the people who wouldn’t expect to pay for this. As host, I think you should pay or at least offer to do so. However, you know your friends well and if it’s not what you do when you meet up, that’s fine but just double check they won’t be expecting it.

BlueShirtGirl · 26/10/2021 17:14

I’d definitely pay for at least drinks! I think less is a bit rude tbh, and if you can’t afford it then invite less people. Also maybe check the restaurant is ok with you serving cake at the end, many won’t be as they don’t get £ on desserts and yet still have the dishes! Be very clear on the invites what you are/not providing. And maybe state no gifts!!

TSSDNCOP · 26/10/2021 17:27

I wouldn't expect to pay for everyone's food, but I'd get the party started by ordering a few bottles of Prosecco for the table.

Just make it clear it's going out for your birthday as opposed to your birthday party. My friends wouldn't need that prompt, but I can't speak for others.

ThinWomansBrain · 26/10/2021 17:28

I often pay if I invite people out, and my friends do similarly - but equally so do my friends - but I wouldn't expect it, and would go along to any event like that with the means to pay.

Went to a lunch for about 80 a few weeks ago; we were on different tables, and pretty much everyone on my table agreed we were ready to go - was about 4pm by this time.
Embarassed looks all round when I asked if we should get the bill for our table, or was the person that had invited us paying (she was, but would have felt awful if that hadn't been her intention and we'd wandered off without paying)

Just make it clear up front

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/10/2021 17:41

I'd get a huge take away and cake at home...

It's way too complicated with people think they are being paid for/ tally up theur share incorrectly /big and small eaters... /drinkers and non drinkers...

Also some times when it was clear I was expected to pay - I declined... When I was pretty cash strapped... This was 20 years ago and the eventual bill was over.£150 phGrin. The hostess was most annoyed I didn't (in reality couldn't) join them...

girlmom21 · 26/10/2021 18:37

@ThinWomansBrain who on Earth is this host who can afford to pay for 80 peoples meals?! Or has 80 people to invite to a meal...

ThinWomansBrain · 26/10/2021 18:43

[quote girlmom21]@ThinWomansBrain who on Earth is this host who can afford to pay for 80 peoples meals?! Or has 80 people to invite to a meal... [/quote]
my best friend - who is lovely, has a large family and lots of friends
I didn't count, but ten on our table, eight tables, so there or there abouts
probably evens out on who pays what

mostly when i invite people out a bit more modest - half a dozen or so.

FirewomanSam · 26/10/2021 19:05

I’m surprised by the people who wouldn’t expect to pay for this. As host, I think you should pay or at least offer to do so.

And I’m surprised by the people who would expect the opposite! I am really curious about the ages and backgrounds of those who fall into each camp. I’m mid-30s, middle class, from the South of England, with friends ranging from very wealthy to incredibly average earners, and I don’t think I have ever been invited to a birthday meal where the host has paid for everyone, or where it’s been even remotely expected that they do so. The one exception being when I was a bit younger and the hosts in question were my parents! And even that isn’t a given now. If my dad invites us out for dinner he’ll usually make it very clear if it’s his treat and if not, we’ll always go prepared to pay.

I once organised drinks for my own birthday and put a decent tab behind the bar and so many people seemed surprised and even awkward about using it, it’s just so not the norm or the expected thing amongst my friends.

spongedog · 26/10/2021 19:23

For one of my ex-H special birthdays we invited friends (approx 15, no kids) to a meal at a bistro restaurant. We didnt have a room but had a section! We had agreed a fixed price 3 course menu (3 choices per course) with the restaurant in advance. So we asked that everyone pay for their food and we would pay for all drinks including champagne/nibbles on arrival, any drink during the meal (soft or alcoholic) and any coffees, cocktails etc afterwards. We had a big bill, but the company was lovely and it worked well for us.

One of my friends a decade or so later for her special birthday picked up the entire tab. So different times, different folks etc.

I see you are now getting slightly cold feet. Most restaurants in the UK would require a deposit for such a large gathering, although not a party.

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