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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I pay for anything?

103 replies

Hesreallyshort · 26/10/2021 11:18

Thinking of inviting a large group of mum friends (25 ish) out for my birthday for lunch at a large local restaurant (outside, lots of tables)
Do I pay for anything? It’s been ages since I’ve not had just family birthdays.
I’ve ordered a beautiful cake to be made, which we’ll all obviously have at the end,

OP posts:
thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 26/10/2021 12:29

These threads always make me jealous of someone having so many friends! 25 Shock

It sounds lovely though, and I agree caution with the wording. I’ve always found it a nightmare getting groups of mums together for a set event eg school mums meeting for dinner. Loads don’t want to sacrifice their weekends, or can’t get babysitters, or want to bring the kids. Or drop out last minute……

JudgeJ · 26/10/2021 12:29

[quote Hesreallyshort]@PurpleDaisies I’m not in the U.K., but still the possibility of light rain, it does have covering in the outside area, but that’s another issue, it always pisses it down on my birthday! 🙈not keen to be indoors though[/quote]
I would also check with the venue that they're happy to provide individual bills, some get a bit awkward about it with parties.

Bollindger · 26/10/2021 12:33

Just do what we do.
Start a facebook group.
Hey mums, anyone fancy x for a night out?
It's not too bad for a meal, and a few drink, have attached the menu so you can see.
Bit sheepish to admit it's my 30th, so I'm bringing a cake, I hope the candles don't set the sprinklers off....

FirewomanSam · 26/10/2021 12:34

I would ask one of your friends locally what they think the etiquette is. You say you’re not in the UK, but I imagine most people answering here are, and this is the sort of thing that can vary wildly between different cultures.

I’m from the UK and I would never assume you were paying if you invited me to something like this, but I know in other countries the assumption is that if you invite, you’re the ‘host’ and you’re footing the bill.

thisplaceisweird · 26/10/2021 12:34

@TeenMinusTests

Would you like to join me for lunch at X on Y to help celebrate my birthday? Mains are of the order £12-£18, full menu is here. I will bring a cake for dessert. Let me know by Z so I can reserve some outside tables.
This is the right information and tone I think!
Jux · 26/10/2021 12:35

Ask the restaurant what they'd need for a large party in terms of deposit, food choices etc. Then you'll know how much you'll need to organise and be responsible for before you go any further.

thisplaceisweird · 26/10/2021 12:36

My group of friends are all fairly well off and never ever would anyone pay for an entire meal for everyone. Either you do something at home and you cook or you all go out and pay for yourself.

The only time I've seen this is if my parents take us out.

BingBongToTheMoon · 26/10/2021 12:38

@Ionlydomassiveones

I can see I’m in the minority but if I was invited to celebrate someone’s birthday I’d assume they were paying. The distinction being that it’s their event, their choice - not a mutual agreement. So do make it clear on the invitation.
Yeah I must admit to this too. Definitely make it clear that you are not footing the bill and definitely check with the restaurant with regards to bringing your own cake.
Whenthedealgoesdown · 26/10/2021 12:42

I would expect to pay for myself and used to sometimes go to this type of thing for work colleagues birthdays, often we would all put extra in to pay for the birthday persons meal. My SIL often has this sort of party meal and we always pay for our own food and drinks. I'm in my 60s and have alway done this so not a younger person thing

Hope you have a lovely time

stormy11 · 26/10/2021 12:44

It's only on mumsnet that I have seen people expect the host to pay for a meal. If its a proper party yes but I would never expect the host to pay when going out for a meal even if it is their birthday.

Whenthedealgoesdown · 26/10/2021 12:45

Supplying the menu and mentioning the cost as PPs have suggested is a good idea

Original poster
Hesreallyshort · 26/10/2021 12:49

Oh god, think I’m changing my mind 🤣not sure it’s really worth the hassle? Might go back to just a lunch/dinner with dp & toddler. It’s not a special birthday

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 26/10/2021 12:49

[quote Hesreallyshort]@PurpleDaisies I’m not in the U.K., but still the possibility of light rain, it does have covering in the outside area, but that’s another issue, it always pisses it down on my birthday! 🙈not keen to be indoors though[/quote]
What's the norm regarding paying in the country where you are? I mean will those who are invited take an invitation as the host is paying?

lap90 · 26/10/2021 12:54

What has been the done thing when you've celebrated the bdays of these other 'mum friends', wherever in the world you are?

saf1ya7 · 26/10/2021 12:55

To be honest, sit down three-course dinners maybe aren’t the best way to celebrate this kind of thing because you can be sat at the other end of a long table to many of your guests and hardly get to speak to them. Yes, you can move around, but still..,

So basically, you are telling people to be at x restaurant at x time and work out their own bills in a group of 25 when obviously, some guests will drink and some will not. And they will feel obliged to bring a gift for this ‘privilege,’ on top of babysitters, travel etc. Sorry, I think this is poor form.

If you can’t afford to treat all your friends, then why don’t you do a buffet at your house or something like that? Or find a venue that does a buffet for a fixed amount per head so you know upfront what you will be paying - eg. if it’s £10 per head, then you know it’s £250 (which is very reasonable for a party) and then you can provide champagne / Prosecco up to a certain point and then it’s a paid bar after that if you don’t want to stretch to an unknown bar bull? Then people can mingle more and at least then. you feel like you’ve put on an occasion that’s worth them coming to.

Original poster
Hesreallyshort · 26/10/2021 12:55

@starfishmummy I don’t *think so, but not too sure, as others have said, I guess it’s in the wording and definitely better if I can provide a set menu with prices, then there’s no doubt

OP posts:
Asthenia · 26/10/2021 12:58

I wonder if this debate is a generational thing? I’ve never been invited out for someone’s birthday meal where the host has paid for everyone and would always expect to pay for myself. Mentioned to my parents and they were shocked that this was the case and said if they organised a birthday meal then the host should pay.
25 seems like a lot of people for a not-significant birthday but if that’s what you’d like to do then why not?! I would do as PP suggested and make it very clear everyone is paying for themselves - most people will expect this anyway. But also as others have said be prepared to pay deposits etc which can be a bit of a faff.

Jumpalicious · 26/10/2021 13:01

Agree you need to make it v clear. I was once invited to close friends 50th. Bought her a very lavish gift (equivalent to high price of meal) since she specifically said she was inviting. When bill came, everyone insisted we should pay for our meals (& hers). She tried to refuse, the rest of group (all 50 plus) overrode her. I was only about 30 at time so took a hit!

Tumbleweed101 · 26/10/2021 13:03

In my circles it would always be pay for yourself as none of us could afford to pay for even a small group. Might be different if you hang out in wealthy circles.

Tulips15 · 26/10/2021 13:08

Ive never paid for others when I've invited them out.
All my family and friends pay for themselves

Lostmarbles2021 · 26/10/2021 13:11

saf1ya7

OP isn’t turning 25 - she is thinking it might be for 25.

I’m curious that you are so adamant the host should pay. I’ve been to probably hundreds of meals for people’s birthdays and various things. I’m in my 40’s in UK. Mostly the bill gets split. One time a friend footed the bill but it was a party of 8 and they are mega rich. Otherwise it’s always a split bill situation, usually with the group sharing the cost of the birthday persons meal. I have mixed with people with very little money all the way up to having millions. If it’s a party that’s different but a lunch or meal out in a restaurant it’s always been a split bill.

Can I ask your context? I’m curious as to where this idea comes from.

Explosivefarts · 26/10/2021 13:19

With big numbers like this a place with set menu would be so much better . You will end up with people forgetting to pay for drinks they had and not putting in enough money .

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/10/2021 13:35

Pay for yourself, definitely. And the cake.

You're inviting THEM.

1forAll74 · 26/10/2021 13:35

Some people might think you are going to be paying, who knows !

Notaroadrunner · 26/10/2021 13:37

You would need to have discussed with the group how the bill will be split - 25 even amounts (unfair on those who don't drink) , or each pay for their own. The restaurant would need to agree to splitting the bill into 25 payments (some won't do this) and you'll possibly have some paying with card, some with cash, and then who pays the tip. Tbh I really wouldn't bother.

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