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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I pay for anything?

103 replies

Hesreallyshort · 26/10/2021 11:18

Thinking of inviting a large group of mum friends (25 ish) out for my birthday for lunch at a large local restaurant (outside, lots of tables)
Do I pay for anything? It’s been ages since I’ve not had just family birthdays.
I’ve ordered a beautiful cake to be made, which we’ll all obviously have at the end,

OP posts:
2bazookas · 26/10/2021 11:46

The invitations need to make clear it's a "pay for your own food.drink" invite.

I'd also discuss with the restaurant that you want to bring a group of 25; a large group arriving together would affect their staff and service to other customers.

saf1ya7 · 26/10/2021 11:47

Op, you are 25 so, I don’t know, maybe this is how young people do things, but personally, I think if you throw an event you pay for it.

Think about it - it’s your birthday so YOU are specifying the venue and the time. If you choose the venue, you should pay imo. If you are inviting people to your event - then pay for that event! Yes, 25 is a lot of people to pay for - which is precisely why most people would do something at home for that number, or a buffet or just drinks or something they could afford.

They will already be bringing a gift. It’s rude to ask them to also foot the bill for your party as well. Maybe some are having to find babysitters too or incur train fares etc if they’re travelling far. Just think about it from their point of view. Also, it’s complicated and therefore very embarrassing having to get 25 people to split a bill. That has nightmare written all over it.

Viviennemary · 26/10/2021 11:51

I think you need to make it clear everybody has to pay for their own. Still seems a bit cheeky/odd inviting folk but buy your own.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/10/2021 11:56

I agree with practically everyone else - it's all fine as long as you make things clear

Also agree that the place asking for deposits would be good, since it makes it clearer who's coming. Even if they don't I'd think about asking for one yourself, for the same reason

Anyway, have a lovely birthday and hope it all goes well Smile

Chewbecca · 26/10/2021 11:57

Yeah, word the invite so it’s clear.

I would provide drinks as well as a cake, a few bottles of bubbles or something.

WeAreTheHeroes · 26/10/2021 11:58

@Viviennemary

I think you need to make it clear everybody has to pay for their own. Still seems a bit cheeky/odd inviting folk but buy your own.
I don't think I've ever been for a birthday meal with a group of friends with any expectation the birthday person would be paying for everything. Different if you invite people to a party.
Chewbecca · 26/10/2021 11:58

And check the restaurant is ok with you bringing your own cake, many wouldn’t allow that or would charge ‘cake-age’ to compensate for lost dessert profit.

zoemum2006 · 26/10/2021 12:00

I also think that once you are over the age of 25 you shouldn't have to pay for the birthday girls meal (if you are bringing them a present and are going to the place of their choosing).

As a party host I have occasionally paid for the whole meal (husband's 40th etc. ) but couldn't do that now. It's nice to pay for some of the drinks tab.

billy1966 · 26/10/2021 12:03

I would frame it as in "my birthday is coming up, would anyone be interested in meeting up for a meal in X, they do a £12-18 menu, and I will bring a nice cake for desert"...then you can guage the interest.

viques · 26/10/2021 12:03

@2bazookas

The invitations need to make clear it's a "pay for your own food.drink" invite.

I'd also discuss with the restaurant that you want to bring a group of 25; a large group arriving together would affect their staff and service to other customers.

And tell them that you will be bringing a cake so no dessert menu needed. They may well ask for a payment in lieu , which IMO is reasonable since at say a fiver a head for desserts you are potentially losing them £120+ in revenue, and probably expecting them to provide plates napkins and forks.
SVRT19674 · 26/10/2021 12:04

I would have a set menu and be very clear it´s a get together for your birthday, you are not inviting people. Where I come from, the person who invites pays. My cousin´s 50th was last Saturday, she invited us to cocktails and nibbles, really nice venue, she footed the bill.

anon12345678901 · 26/10/2021 12:04

I would expect to pay for yourself. Make it clear on the invites it would be everyone paying for themselves so all are aware.

Gardeningtipsneeded · 26/10/2021 12:05

This is a cultural thing, and if you’re not in the UK the answers may not be very useful. Certainly where I am no one would expect someone to foot the bill for lunch for 25 unless it was a wedding or similar. Where are you OP?

Fundays12 · 26/10/2021 12:07

With 25 people going it’s going to get difficult to manage, sort payments out plus a lot of people don’t carry cash now which makes things harder. If you make it clear at invite point that people are paying themselves it makes things easier but also don’t split the bill it never ends up fair as someone always drinks and someone doesn’t. I have ended up paying double for my “share” when bills are split as I only eat a main course and sometimes have a glass of wine.

Fundays12 · 26/10/2021 12:08

OP it might be an idea to take a deposit per person so even no shows are paid for.

marykitty · 26/10/2021 12:10

Depends how you word the invite.

If you are saying something like "I would be happy to invite you to blabla" then I would expect you to pay and buy you a relatively big gift,

If instead you word it like "hey, I was thinking, it would be great to meet soon, I was thinking to go to XXX, since it's also my birthday I will bring a cake!"
In this case I would expect to pay my part and I will not buy a gift (or maybe a very small one).

diddl · 26/10/2021 12:17

I think the best rule when invited out for a meal is to be prepared to pay your own way tbh.

Not sure why it being a birthday lunch alters that.

Bellringer · 26/10/2021 12:19

Doodepoll is usefull for organising large groups

Sciurus83 · 26/10/2021 12:19

I've never been out for a meal where the host pays for everyone, with the exception of a family type thing or a wedding, never with friends. We couldn't afford that and we're nearly 40, if we want to eat out together ever we pay our own regardless of event so that would definitely be the expectation from me.

Comedycook · 26/10/2021 12:19

If I was invited to that, I'd assume I'd be paying for myself

onelittlefrog · 26/10/2021 12:20

Pay for yourself and everyone else pays for themselves.

Ask the restaurant if you can pay on ordering to avoid complications with splitting the bill.

Naillig222 · 26/10/2021 12:22

I would always expect to be paying for myself when going for a meal but when I read your OP saying you were inviting a group out for your birthday, I got the impression you were paying. So it really is all in the wording.

PineappleWilson · 26/10/2021 12:24

And good luck settling the bill, where many will have brought bank cards and others large denomination notes. Ask for individual bills per person.

Ionlydomassiveones · 26/10/2021 12:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 26/10/2021 12:27

You call them "mum" friends. Are they the sort of friends who would even know it' s your birthday and send you a card/buy a small gift. Do they usually all go to a restaurant to celebrate each others' birthdays? That would be 24 times a year, so this kind of thing will have been done before and you will be aware of the etiquette surrounding payment.

If they are relatively casual friends, maybe asking them to expend time and money celebrating your birthday is presumptuous, especially if you're asking them to pay for everything (including transport and babysitting) but a slice of cake.