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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to freeze my eggs?

58 replies

Goodvibes12 · 26/10/2021 10:58

I'm 35 (nearly 36) and have just got out of a horrible relationship. I'm enjoying being free of it and single again but worried about the future. I feel really ambivalent about children, and swing between really wanting them to feeling pretty OK or even happy about the idea of not having them.

Lots of my single friends of similar ages are thinking about freezing their eggs. I hate the idea: the expense, the low chances of success, the indignity of basically having to go through the first stage of IVF alone and without the hope of it leading to a baby at least until I meet someone that I would like to have children with. I am in a position where I could quite easily save up to afford it, but feel that it could quite easily end up being a massive waste of money.

My feeling now is that I want to start dating again when I'm ready, enjoy my life and my freedom again after my last bad experience and not give egg freezing another thought, letting life just take its course and basing my decision on being in the right relationship at the right time.

But I'm concerned that I will regret it, that not having children might be fine now but when I'm 40 I will see that I've made a huge mistake and missed the boat, and will kick myself for not having frozen when I have the chance.

This is all complicated by the fact that I don't understand why I don't have a stronger desire for children - I seem to be the odd one out in that respect, even though I do have some friends who are firmly in the childfree by choice camp. I feel a bit like there is something wrong with me and worry that I will one day "see the light" like everyone else, but only when it's too late.

Any thoughts welcome!

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 26/10/2021 11:01

YANBU at all. You are ambivalent about having children and it’s not a very successful procedure, and you are past the optimum age for egg freezing anyway.

Original poster
Goodvibes12 · 26/10/2021 11:17

Thanks. It's so difficult and wish I was clear on the path I wanted to take. Because of my ambivalence I think either one would involve a bit of heartbreak, it's just difficult to predict how much and whether it really is OK to leave it all to chance like this.

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 26/10/2021 11:20

I was in a similar position to you and didn’t consider it despite really wanting children. It’s a lot of money, plus you have to pay again for IVF to use them and then there’s no guarantee of success at the end of it. I think it’s a bit of a scam to be honest. I felt that if I really wanted children and didn’t meet anyone then I’d rather just go for it as a single mum with donor sperm: cheaper and a much higher chance of success.

As it turned out I met someone lovely and had my son at 38 with no problems.

WeeWelshWoman · 26/10/2021 11:24

Recently been through an egg freezing cycle due to diminished ovarian reserves (37) and not being in a position to try for a second child yet (health, and job change).

It's really, really tough on the body. If you don't want to do it/ not enthusiastic about the idea, it's really not worth it. Especially as many women in their 30s are reccomended to go through 2 or 3 cycles to get enough eggs to have a good chance of success.

If you knew you definitely wanted a baby, then I'd say go for it. But if you're ambivalent/ not enthusiastic then don't.

Original poster
Goodvibes12 · 26/10/2021 11:25

Great to hear! Thanks - and congratulations on your son :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodvibes12 · 26/10/2021 11:28

Thanks and sorry to hear that. I think not enough attention is paid to how tough it is on the body and it's treated like a wellness procedure. It actually makes me really angry how women's vulnerabilities are exploited in this way - as if there weren't already enough examples of it with women being shamed into spending loads on anti-ageing products, Botox, liposuction etc.

OP posts:
citycitycity · 26/10/2021 11:45

If you're 35 and ambivalent towards having children I doubt this will change by the age of 40.

Go and enjoy yourself and don't worry about children!

Palavah · 26/10/2021 11:55

I was in your position. I went for a fertility MOT which cost a few hundred pounds which I found helpful in understanding my potential fertility. I didn't freeze eggs for the similar reasons to you and wondered whether that was the right choice, especially when i thought i might decide to go it alone after all.

I am now 40, and discussing TTC with my partner - we got together last year. If it's easy then I'll feel i made the right decision. If it's difficult /impossible (including having a 2nd child, as i will likely be 43/44) then I will regret not having frozen eggs.

Ultimately you're buying a sort of insurance policy, albeit one that is physically invasive and not guaranteed, and that you may or may not need.

I would recommend doing some research into solo motherhood to understand options.

Crikeycroc · 26/10/2021 12:01

I’d have a chat to a doctor with expertise in this area. My understanding is that you’re a bit older than ideal age for egg freezing but egg quality is often very poor by your forties so if you do want to become a mother at some point you might be glad to have your younger eggs!

Palavah · 26/10/2021 12:03

Also. Ambivalent doesnt mean 'not fussed', it means you are inclined both for and against.

When you are aware of the massive impact pregnancy and parenthood has on your life, and can see value in your life that is not related to parenthood then it's entirely understandable that you would consider it seriously!

TheKeatingFive · 26/10/2021 12:07

YANBU at all. My understanding is that success rates in thawing eggs, fertilising and resulting in viable pregnancies are pretty low.

I'd look into that in a lot of detail before committing to this. There's a lot of money to be made in capitalising on women's fertility concerns unfortunately

TractorAndHeadphones · 26/10/2021 12:08

Many people don’t think about it either way because they’re never put in the position of needing to decide. They’re in an LTR by their 30’s and having kids is a natural extension.

Few people are steadfastly childfree, or willing to go it alone.

People can share their anecdotes here all they want but ultimately if you think you’ll regret it talk to a doctor and if your eggs are of good quality go ahead.

TractorAndHeadphones · 26/10/2021 12:09

*of a good quality and the probabilities are acceptable.

Original poster
Goodvibes12 · 26/10/2021 12:20

@tractorandheadphones this is the point though, there is no way for a doctor to say what the probabilities are, or even what the quality of a woman's eggs is. The fertility MOT referred to above is a test of ovarian reserve, not quality and as such is not a good predictor of overall fertility.

My issue is that I don't know whether I will regret it or not. If I did think I would, I would probably freeze my eggs despite the many uncertainties associated with it.

OP posts:
SleepingBunnies21 · 26/10/2021 12:21

I am now 40, and discussing TTC with my partner - we got together last year.

No offence, but I'd stop discussing and start trying. In my observation there's a cliff for many women at around 42. And months fly by very easily.

Im not sure if it's bullshut but it's said your mum's age at menopause minus ten years is your approximate fertility cliff.

Leafygreen1 · 26/10/2021 12:26

I did this but got a donor and froze embryos instead which had a much higher chance of working out (did first time x 2 and I have a few left in the freezer..)

To be honest to didn't find the process difficult at all. it was a level of effort of course and slightly uncomfortable for a week or so but certainly not overwhelmingly hard. I'm sure that would change if I had problems and needed to do multiple cycles, but if you don't have any Fertility issues you could very much have the same easy run, and 1 go would be enough.

Cyclingforcake · 26/10/2021 12:29

This was all the talk when I was your age too. And in a very similar position. None of us actually did it for the same reasons. And now in our mid 40s most of that wanted to be are mothers in one shape or form. And those that aren’t are seizing all the opportunities they can and making me jealous!

UndertonesOfCake · 26/10/2021 12:36

Would you be happy with the concept of donor eggs in the event that you suddenly become broody at 40?

onelittlefrog · 26/10/2021 12:46

If you can't predict how you will feel in a few years' time then it's probably worth just doing it. Like an insurance policy. You don't have to use them.

Yes it's a cost so it depends if you can absorb that, but if you do end up getting to a stage where you really want children, you will not care about the cost.

I would do it if I were you.

Palavah · 26/10/2021 12:48

@SleepingBunnies21

I am now 40, and discussing TTC with my partner - we got together last year.

No offence, but I'd stop discussing and start trying. In my observation there's a cliff for many women at around 42. And months fly by very easily.

Im not sure if it's bullshut but it's said your mum's age at menopause minus ten years is your approximate fertility cliff.

Thanks for your unsolicited advice. I'm well aware of my age and the implications for fertility.
LittleGwyneth · 26/10/2021 12:50

There's no right or wrong answer - but I think you are possibly more aware of how hard the process is than some other people. It's often referred to in a very relaxed way but it's a big process.

If you do know that you want children in the future then it might be worth doing. But you're not unreasonable in the slightest for not wanting to go through it.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/10/2021 12:52

It sounds like you don't want children but you feel like as a woman you are supposed to want children.

Well you're not. If you wanted children you would know it.

Yes, you might change your mind and it'll be too late but that's something you'll have to deal with if it happens. You can't have a child in case you want a child in the future. There are more than enough people in the world and I think those who don't want them should not feel they have to.

Original poster
Goodvibes12 · 26/10/2021 13:33

@UndertonesOfCake yes very much so. I'm open to different ways of becoming a parent (if I end up wanting to be one). They'd probably be better off without my DNA to be honest!

OP posts:
milkieway · 26/10/2021 13:39

Success of egg freezing procedure post age 35 resulting in a live birth is very low - there are stats somewhere I'm sure where though.
So you won't be missing out by not freezing your eggs it makes more sense to enjoy your time now and then you might meet someone and have kids or you might look at other options down the line if you decide you really want to have kids.

TractorAndHeadphones · 26/10/2021 13:52

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

It sounds like you don't want children but you feel like as a woman you are supposed to want children.

Well you're not. If you wanted children you would know it.

Yes, you might change your mind and it'll be too late but that's something you'll have to deal with if it happens. You can't have a child in case you want a child in the future. There are more than enough people in the world and I think those who don't want them should not feel they have to.

But a lot of people want a family - DP + children. Myself included. I want the whole works not to be a single parent.

Maybe OP is that way?
If they never find a partner they will never have children but if they do…