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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Snoring. Does snorer or snoree (aka victim) move?

85 replies

polkadotpjs · 26/10/2021 05:15

I'm in holiday. V comfy bed yet for the fifth night in a row I'm wide awake due to H snoring. He's not DH right now as I feel a murderous rage creeping over me.
He's had a cold, so is a bit phlegmy but oh my word. He "forgets" his nasal spray or "it doesn't work" but has been working fine. He uses an antihistamine/ hay fever one
But to my point. I'm knackered and can't sleep on sofa here as he has left my blanket in the car. I specifically brought it for sofa sleeping. We are at Center parcs so car is about 10 miles away. But should I be the one to move or him? He says it's not his fault and he's not doing it on purpose...
Any fellow CP dwellers who see a plump woman with a face like a slapped arse at the pool tomorrow, giving her husband daggers? It's me. 😡😡🤬.

OP posts:
OneTC · 26/10/2021 09:07

If you have to move you can take the duvet/blankets

I believe they're the rules

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 26/10/2021 09:29

@whiteroseredrose

DH also snores but doesn't believe it (because I don't constantly wake him).

Record him on your phone and play it back to him.

VestaTilley · 26/10/2021 09:47

He needs to move. When my FIL is snoring badly my MIL makes him sleep in the spare room.

My DGF slept in a separate room from my DGM for the last twenty years of their marriage because the snoring was so loud you could hear it across the house!

BadlyFormedQuestion · 26/10/2021 09:50

I think the snorer should move too. Especially if he hasn’t done everything he can to prevent or minimise the snoring.

Failing that, I’d have gone to the sofa and taken the duvet with me. He could figure out a towel based solution to keep himself warm.

My mum snores dreadfully. My stepdad goes to sleep elsewhere. During the summer when my sister and I were both visiting with our kids, he went to sleep in the garage at one point!

My mum is unrepentant about the snoring. It’s not ok.

R3ALLY · 26/10/2021 09:55

My H is the snorer and I have to move 😔. It’s worth it to get sleep but I’m so tired. Between the snoring and the twice nightly loo trips it’s like having a new born . Sorry for your holiday OP! All my sympathies

MissCreeAnt · 26/10/2021 09:56

We tend to do it by who needs the sleep more. Tonight you'd get the bed because you are sleep deprived. On the last night, probably whoever will be driving home gets the bed.

CounsellorTroi · 26/10/2021 09:57

DH goes to the spare room.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 26/10/2021 09:59

I use wax earplugs. A godsend up to a certain amount of decibels. My husband's snoring is not even as loud as his speaking voice but it's CONSTANT. Well, when he's asleep, obvs.

I de-camp to the spare room. He usually apologises for snoring. But does nothing else.

We've tried nasal cones. Sprays. Didn't work.

He's not overweight and does not smoke. However, when we've had a couple of glasses of wine in the evening he will snore at night.

It's got better lately because he's been determined to address his middle aged spread, i.e. lose a couple of pounds.

I've heard a snoring partner described as like sleeping next to a chain saw ! So, it's not that bad but the end result is the same !

StringsnThings · 26/10/2021 10:02

Personally inmost situations I think the non-snorer should move, as its them that's the one who has a problem sharing a bed. But in your case as your DH hasnt taken his antihistamines and has forgotten your blanket it should be him. Although having said that not sure why you are not equally responsible for the blanket, and have in fact left it 5 days without the blanket

PhoboPhobia · 26/10/2021 10:03

In our house the snorer moves. We have discussed it at length!

I have sleep apnea and until I got my CPAP machine DH was constantly disturbed by me os I moved to the sofa. This week he's got an awful cold and cough so he's moved although I left him in bed last night and moved because he had been feeling so rubbish I was just glad he was getting some sleep!

NotSoNewAndShiny · 26/10/2021 10:18

@polkadotpjs For sure, I agree in that case, he should move. You've done what you can and he didn't.

littlestmunchkin · 26/10/2021 10:38

My ex used to say it was my problem as I was the one who couldn't sleep.

If I was keeping someone awake through something I did (inadvertently of course), I absolutely would be the one to move!

It's hell on earth sharing a bed with a snorer .

fruckkkit · 26/10/2021 10:45

I am the snoree. And I move to the spare room despite being the snorer, DH is a terrible sleeper and permanently knackered so if he's asleep I leave him be. Plus ddog sleeps on the spare bed so I get to snuggle in with her.

We are going away to a one bed cottage in a few weeks. I already have plans for taking a blow up bed and extra blankets based on past experience!

delilahbucket · 26/10/2021 11:00

Been going through this with DH for a year. I'm on my knees tired and it's at the point now that once he wakes me once, it takes me ages to go back to sleep, then just as I do, he starts again. The longest stretch of solid sleep I've had in the last fortnight has been five hours. He's waiting for an appointment for ENT as he has something blocking his nose.
Anyway, to the point, if he wakes he goes and sleeps on the sofa. I can't sleep on the sofa, it cripples me. He usually doesn't wake, so I'm getting a mattress where I can escape to. I was going to last year and didn't. Little did I know it would still be an issue this long. It has been through periods of improvement for a few weeks and then it comes back again. It's absolute Hell bed sharing with a snorer.

Original poster
polkadotpjs · 26/10/2021 12:34

@StringsnThings he was unpacking the car and I was unpacking inside and I'd told him the blanket was preparation for his snoring. I shall send him to fetch it shortly.
Had a lovely chat with a lady at quad bikes earlier and wondered if she's a Mumsnetter Grin

OP posts:
HarrietsChariot · 26/10/2021 12:36

I think it's quite offensive to term yourself the "victim" here. He's the one with the medical condition, not you. If someone gets cancer they would be the one called the "cancer victim" not their spouse.

authenticforgery · 26/10/2021 12:38

Snorer should always move, whether it's their "fault" or not. They're keeping the other person awake so should show some consideration and move.

Hankunamatata · 26/10/2021 12:39

Evict one of the kids and get them to sleep with dad

Original poster
polkadotpjs · 26/10/2021 13:24

@HarrietsChariot no offence intended. This was meant to be lighthearted. I apologise

OP posts:
ShepherdMoons · 26/10/2021 13:27

My ex dh was a snorer, really so infuriating to be kept awake especially when they don't take your feelings seriously.

gamerchick · 26/10/2021 13:29

Snorers are selfish for making their bedpartners put up with it. Apart from the fact they're at risk of health problems like heart attacks. Shrugging off their partners lack of sleep because of their inaction makes them a bit of a dickhead.

Sleep clinic to get to the bottom of it and if they won't then they can sleep alone.

onelittlefrog · 26/10/2021 13:41

"Victim" isn't really a nice word to use. He obviously wouldn't snore if he had any control over it. He's not doing it on purpose.

But it does also sound like he's being inconsiderate and defensive about it.

If me or my partner snore there's no set rule about who moves. We're usually considerate and don't want to wake each other up so usually the person snoring will stay in bed and the other moves.

It's rude to shake someone awake and tell them to move - then you're both awake and what does that achieve?

However with your partner it sounds like he needs to acknowledge that this actually is a thing and has an impact on you.

The real problem is that he's being an arse about it. Snoring can so often be lessened by acknowledging the problem, seeing the GP and making a few lifestyle changes.

onelittlefrog · 26/10/2021 13:45

I do believe him of course but patience wears thin when I've prepared for this by packing a blanket and he forgets it because he knows he generally gets to stay in the bed while I decamp

Why is he responsible for remembering your blanket?

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/10/2021 13:49

My DH tried for years to correct his snoring. He’s not overweight, we barely drink and even when we do it’s one serving, he got surgery done on his nose to correct deviated septum, he’s been to several sleep clinics and tried mouth guards, nose sprays, breathing strips, antihistamines, sleeping propped up/all different positions. And it just got steadily worse.

We now have separate bedrooms and we even book our own separate hotel rooms/or book a cottage with extra bedrooms when we go on holiday.

Snoring cant always be fixed. Sometimes you have to just sleep seperately.

Original poster
polkadotpjs · 26/10/2021 13:59

Bad choice of the word victim. Over dramatic sorry.
I put the blanket in the car, explaining why I was bringing it and he scoffed at me saying I was being ridiculous. We arrived. I brought a few bags in and started to unpack in the lodge and he continued to empty the car. He's not brought the blanket in, presumably still thinking it's over the top. But I'm not trying to turn him into a monster. Just musing about it whilst wide awake this morning and glad of the virtual company. I'm not horrible. I promise

OP posts: