Pretty privilege - do you have it?

[BlueSparklesss]

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

[FakeFruitShoot]

@PesosBandage yes, I have that friendly face thing. I get at least a comment every month about people "knowing me from somewhere". My husband does an impression of me - not unkindly - and apparently when I speak to people I nod (unconsciously, I don't realise I'm doing it) and make my eyes and pupils very big. I think it's a big advantage in job interviews and the like.

[HogDogKetchup]

@Isabellabasil

I would never say this in real life as it is obviously very vain. But as a youngster I was very pretty indeed and yes, it made a difference- people (men and women) were on the whole really nice to me, I had doors opened for me, I got favourable treatment but I didn't realise. People would turn their heads in the street occasionally and I always had lots of male attention.

Now I've had 3 kids and am fat and in my very late 30s and I've realised what it's like on the other side and how privileged/ well-treated I was.

Ditto! I am invisible now with two kids in tow. But used to get free coffees, always got jobs etc before.

[headspin10]

Yes I definitely think this is a thing. I remember in my 20's living in London, one day I went into town without making any effort, old clothes, no make up, looked plain. The next day I also went into town to do a job where I had to dress up, the treatment I got was markedly different from the same man who worked on the Underground, the guy at the coffee place etc. I don't think it is fair.

I've also read on here though about really beautiful women being treated meanly by other women, which I think is really sad - and often attracting unwanted attention, so maybe there are plusses and minuses however attractive society considers you to be. I do hate that looks are given such importance in our culture. (U.K.)

[MarleneDietrichsSmile]

I am not beautiful, but I moved to a different country at 30 where my looks stood out (South America and I am Scandi, not in a blonde goddess way but in an average but tall brunette way)

Not sure if it was privilege or harassment though. I used to get work assignments (free lance) easily, but then also quite often men expected something in return.

I focussed on women and young men or gay men as clients to avoid the issue

So, privilege…? Not sure

I am 50 now and in the U.K. and I don’t miss it

I think it’s a mixed bag, and I don’t envy pretty young girls as I know the harassment by older men is very unpleasant, and constant 🤯

[Enwi]

I had no idea at the time, but since putting on weight I’ve realised that I did have pretty privilege prior to the weight gain. I actually remember remarking to my fiancé at the time that I’d met some really miserable people recently. I now realise that most people are miserable if you aren’t very attractive

I once was at a social event with a group of other mother’s I’d only met before online and actively avoided someone because she was so beautiful and well dressed that I didn’t think she could possibly want to get to know me. I’ve since come to know her very well and she is one of the loveliest, kindest people I’ve ever met. I feel ashamed every time I think about how I avoided her so I suppose pretty privilege can work both ways.

[Dmsandfloatydress]

It's a young thing. Im an average looking woman but with large norks. Im delighted to be over forty and invisible. Its feels so much safer and I'm taken more seriously in work. I hated all the attention which was basically men trying to have sex with me, sometimes politely , sometimes not!

[MarleneDietrichsSmile]

Basically if there is “pretty privilege” there is also a “pretty tax” ime

[FatBettyintheCoop]

Yes, it’s definitely a thing.

As an ugly child (buck teeth and glasses), my best friend (blonde with pigtails) used to be a cow to me at times but was never told off and I was always blamed when something got broken or we fell out. It was never her fault. I also never got chosen for anything and teachers didn’t play fair at all.

I’m sure that still happens in schools and I was pleased to have a DS and not a daughter and for her to suffer the same old shit. Boys definitely have it much easier on the whole.

It’s still depressing to see others (male and female) honing in on an attractive woman, wanting to be their buddies etc. It’s especially annoying when it happens at work. Some women genuinely think they’re ‘better’ just because they’re naturally more attractive.

I’m still short and very plain and have given up bothering. Fuck em!

[GloriaSilver]

I don’t know. Men are always nice to me generally, I am size 10 with curvy figure and large chest. Average looking.
I really don’t know. I don’t think so.

[finopitta]

As someone who used to be and ugly kid, attractive teen/20/30 something and now is a fat plain 40 year old I can say it is 100% a real thing.

I also worked in HR my whole career and had probably several hundred if not thousands of people go through the interview process and I always knew the attractive ones would do best. If you were ugly you had to have extremely good/relevant qualifications.

[Cameleongirl]

@PyongyangKipperbang I can completely relate to your experience! I was pretty enough when younger - never stunning, but decent-looking - but I didn't have the self-confidence to make me especially attractive personality-wise, IYSWIM.

Now I'm 47 and well-maintained, I have the money and confidence to wear clothes that flatter me, and above all, I smile and chat to people. It's made a world of difference just holding my head high and smiling at people as they walk by.

So I think I've got "friendly person" privilege now. I expect moat people see me as a non-threatening, middle-aged woman, but I don't feel invisible, I feel very accepted.

[MunchyCrunchyy]

I’ve spoke about this before to a friend and my DH, life is definitely (wrongly) easier when people think you are attractive.

Men holding doors open, stopping their car to let you cross the road etc but also had comments from girls/women that they were intimidated or didn’t think I would be nice?? I also notice when hair scraped back and in trackies it happens less frequently

Also means that you get unwanted attention from men (not envy) but hey I’m sure most of us on here experience or have experienced, that.

Feel like a massive nob for writing this

[HeronLanyon]

I was very pretty when younger. I didn’t see it or know it. I am sure I had privilege as a result. When I look at photos of myself in my 20s/30s I can now see it.
As I’ve got older I think o now look to some tigers as someone who was pretty when young.

[ancientgran]

@PackedintheUK

I was out with a woman who has "pretty privilege" at the weekend and it is certainly true people are different around her.

But actually she's not that pretty. She's slim and blonde (dyed) and her hair, make up and clothes are well done and young, but without them she'd be fairly ordinary. What she does have is bags of confidence and a permanent smile.

I think that is interesting. I was always told I was plain so I thought I was, I look at photos now and think how did I not know that I was pretty. So I was the reverse of your friend.

I asked my mother why everyone made a thing about how plain I was and she said it was because I was the pretty one and they didn't want my sister to feel bad. Great plan and unfortunately I didn't realise till I was too old enjoy it.

[DancingQueen85]

I never noticed it at the time but now I am approaching 40, I have really noticed how little attention I get when I go out. It takes longer to get the waiters attention, longer to get served at the bar etc.

[HeronLanyon]

Others not tigers. As I’ve never seen a tiger not sure how they would have seen me !

[TSSDNCOP]

I'm totally cool with going out with friends that have pretty privilege, I get drinks too as men are just too stupid to say no.

[Gruffalogrinch]

I’ve name changed for this as I would never say this in real life. I wouldn’t say I am conventionally pretty, but I think I am attractive. Various people have said to me over the years that I have a certain “sexiness” (their words NOT mine) and I have noticed how some men can react to me, and also women. Some people seem to react to me thinking I am some sort of man eater/husband stealer and nothing could be further from the truth. I am really happy with my DP.

From my point of view, I am just me. A regular woman trying to age decently (mid 40’s). I like to look good, for me - no one else. For clarity, I dress fairly casually most of the time, I get my hair done and I like to wear a little make up (again for me only). Not into lashes, brows, tanning or any of that. I’m a bit baffled by it to be honest.

[Chimley]

I used to in my late teens, 20s and pre kids 30s. But since then it's very much faded. I noticed when I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a wolf whistle/comment to get annoyed at. There were downsides. But I do believe it exists because I'm now invisible. No I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me!

[RoyKentsHairyBack]

My mum definitely had it and laments it. She found menopause difficult as she became 'invisible'

I have an ok pretty face but am a lardarse and felt there was no point in trying to make the best of my looks. Now in my late 40s I look fine as in ok. Therefore never benefited.

Dd1 is a big of a stunner although only 12. She is tall, has long blonde hair and a pretty face and is already quite noticeable. She has always found it a lot easier to attract people (as in friends, positive teacher attention etc) than her twin sister who is less conventional looking but still pretty in a pixie type way.

That said she's also already experienced the negatives - being shouted at from car whilst in school uniform ffs, having the boys in her class gang up on her because she didn't want to be their girlfriend, being called a dumb blonde by the same boys etc. She's also insecure about her school abilities because she is tagged as the 'pretty' one whilst her sister was the 'brainy' one.

[Mattsmum2]

I think having the confidence to engage with people and being kind are so much more important than looks alone. I must admit in my 30’s I used my sexuality to get what I wanted in a man. That brought me the confidence I now have in my 50’s.

[Thatsplentyjack]

Yes, and when I was young I was very conflicted by it because I wanted to be pretty because, well who doesn't? But I was very aware of the male attention I got, and it made me quite uncomfortable and embarrassed most of the time. Especially when much older men would blatantly stare at me. Also made other girls act pretty nastily too me sometimes, and I was a very shy teenager. Never had the confidence to stick up for myself.
I'm still not bad looking, but heavier and obviously older looking.

[TheChiefJo]

It can be a blessing in some situations and a curse in others.

[brittleheadgirl]

I think I do.
It's very much to do with my size though, I'm very petite and people seem to warm to me and have been referred to as 'adorable' 'cute' 'gorgeous' etc since childhood.
It's useful and irritating in equal measures!!!

[RubyJones9]

@PackedintheUK

I was out with a woman who has "pretty privilege" at the weekend and it is certainly true people are different around her.

But actually she's not that pretty. She's slim and blonde (dyed) and her hair, make up and clothes are well done and young, but without them she'd be fairly ordinary. What she does have is bags of confidence and a permanent smile.

I would also never say this in real life.

But I've got this, I agree with the above. I'm not 'pretty' I'm probably quite average looking really. I'm blonde, average height, size 12, in my late 30's.

But I'm outwardly confident in what I have got, and carry myself that way. I know what suits me. It's definitely a aura that's given off and I've been told more than once I'm 'hot'.

I do believe I've benefited from this yes. And I know others that have.