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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws babysitting toddler while I give birth

72 replies

RoseD198 · 25/10/2021 13:32

Hi all,

I have a 20 month old toddler and am due a second baby at the end of Jan. My parents live two hours away, but in-laws live 40 mins away - and friends in the same town as us. When I go into hospital to give birth my husband is keen for his parents to look after our toddler (for obvious distance reasons we can’t wait for my parents to get here!) however I have visions of his parents being there while I’m moaning and groaning in pain - which I know I’ll be pissed off about. They’re lovely but I just know I’ll feel uncomfortable being in that vulnerable state at the beginning of labour whilst having them as spectators. I’d much rather my best mate come round and look after him (or hand over to his parents once we’ve gone to the hospital). Am I being unreasonable?! Basically, the last people (not unkindly) I want to see when I’m in pain are the in-laws!!)

OP posts:
Starlight86 · 25/10/2021 13:34

Cant they take your toddler back to their house, or better yet your hubby drop toddler off as soon as you go into labour?

I think your probably making a bit of a big deal about nothing.

If they must be there in the beginning retreat to your bedroom or something.

Twinmumandtoddler · 25/10/2021 13:36

I felt like this too! Had the same issue with the distance. It was fine in the end as I had a c section, but I didn’t want to see them in the morning of either. So DH dropped DD off and I stayed in the car as I was pretty on edge. Also didn’t want to see them when I came home but my Mum was there by then.

If you feel more comfortable definitely ask your friend, you’re pregnant and can do what you want. Hopefully you won’t be in for very long anyway. Smile

SpangoDweller · 25/10/2021 13:37

I wouldn’t want spectators in labour (although there could well be a lengthy time period where you’re not in obvious pain, but clearly in labour) but surely the best thing to do is have them collect DD rather than look after her at your house?

SophieHatterPendragon · 25/10/2021 13:37

Sorry I do think YABU why not just get them to pick up toddler or DH to take toddler to them when you feel like it’s starting to kick off? They don’t need to be there watching you

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 25/10/2021 13:38

Why would they be there unless you’re ready to go into hospital?

WineIsMyCarb · 25/10/2021 13:39

Depends entirely on what your in-laws are like. If I were you I might give them the "I'm in labour, please be on standby but don't get in the car yet" message, then ask them to come when it's getting painful and you're thinking about hospital. Best mate can always come and fill in the gap if you suddenly have to leave. In-laws may well really value being 'needed' on this important day. For me this would come with the caveat that they watch Peppa pig with toddler downstairs while I mean and groan, have a bath and watch TV upstairs if they arrive and it's still early.

Skeumorph · 25/10/2021 13:39

No, not unreasonable.

You're giving birth - you make all these decisions ENTIRELY based on what feels more comfortable for you, as that's in the baby's best interests.

The more comfortable, confident and not inhibited or stressed you feel - the better the birth is likely to go.

If your DH is decent and of normal intelligence, this should be a no-brainer and he should be automatically asking you what you'd feel better doing, as he shoudl also want the labour/birth to be as positive as possible.

A decent man is only 'keen' to see his partner's wishes come first when it comes to labour. Nothing else. His parents' wishes don't even come into it.

A man who doesn't think like this shouldn't be factored in at all.

He either supports you or he leaves well alone and lets you get support elsewhere.

Dixiechickonhols · 25/10/2021 13:40

Just ask them to take dc out or to their house. You can frame it as you don’t want dc to see me in discomfort. Of course you may be induced/c section so not relevant anyway.

Twinmumandtoddler · 25/10/2021 13:41

In-laws may well really value being 'needed' on this important day.

Why does that matter though? no point in trying to people please when you’re in labour.

Immaculatemisconception · 25/10/2021 13:42

Get over yourself FFS.

Skeumorph · 25/10/2021 13:42

I wouldn't have wanted PIL to even know I was in labour. That would be another reason to have friends, as the knowledge that they would be hovering, dialling DH, generally wanting to be IN THERE KNOWING would make me wants to bite heads off.

Yes you could obviously drop off your toddler at theirs but if it's more that you don't want family hovering - friends all the way.

It really is up to you.

YellowMonday · 25/10/2021 13:43

Toddler to your mate's house then parents in law to do the pick up from there?

Agree to frame it a different way. Like to them that you want to keep your toddler out of the way while in early labour.

Chloemol · 25/10/2021 13:45

Why would you want your child to hear you screaming in pain as you give birth? All they will remember is this child causing you to scream

What happens if your home birth goes wrong and you are carted away in an ambulance? I still remember this happening to my mother 50+ years ago, it’s a horrible memory that stays forever

Better the child goes to his grandparents, then they bring him back to meet his sibling

Xmassprout · 25/10/2021 13:46

Will you actually need them there for the earlier stages?

lazyarse123 · 25/10/2021 13:47

In the kindest way possible I think you're being a bit dramatic.
Surely you will be in hospital by the time you get to the yelling stage.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/10/2021 13:48

If you are engaging labouring for a long time at home, then your toddler can go to the in laws surely? Why would you want the toddler distressed at the sounds of you in labour?

Chloemol · 25/10/2021 13:48

Sorry not sure if you are talking about a home birth now, but even in early stages you will be uncomfortable and I know a friend who gave birth within an hour of starting pains with her third child, giv8ng birth on the bathroom floor!

Just send them to the grandparents

FictionalCharacter · 25/10/2021 13:51

Your birth, your choice! Nobody else’s. And you don’t have to please anyone else.

Crunched · 25/10/2021 13:51

I'm sure PIL's are delighted that they will be able to help their DS and you at such a key time. So often (on MN anyway) the parents of the partner seem almost excluded from the birth of their grandchild.
I agree that you will be more relaxed if PIL can take your LO back to theirs or even out for a little trip away from the pacing and groans - if you are any thing like me!- at home.
Try not to focus on this worry though. It will work out fine, and it is great you have both involved PIL and a local pal to lean on.

campion · 25/10/2021 13:55

Your in laws aren't going to want to hear you moaning and groaning, are they? They can just pick up DS and take him out or back to their house, which is what they'd probably expect to do anyway.

You're overthinking this.

2bazookas · 25/10/2021 13:55

Duh?

Scenario A
Labour starts, DH puts you and toddler in car, drives you to hospital then delivers toddler to his parents. Then he returns to hospital to be with you.

Scenario B
Labour starts, Dh calls his parents, puts your bag in car, as soon as they walk through door he hands over toddler and takes you to hospital

No need for PILs to see you in labour either way.

Original poster
RoseD198 · 25/10/2021 13:55

What I probably didn’t mention and should have is that they won’t have my little one at their house - without us being there - because they feel they’re ‘not set up’ to deal with him there 🤷‍♀️ I guess I could get them to take him out but would need to advise on cafes because they won’t be outside in the winter months.

OP posts:
Couchbettato · 25/10/2021 13:55

Could PIL take DS to theirs, or an impromptu stay with DS in a premier Inn where they can eat McDonald's and watch movies or play games and have a little holiday for DS before baby comes home?

I know you have to pre-book these things but if you don't live somewhere busy it's easy to book on the day accomodation.

If you're in hospital longer than a day for whatever reason, then they could migrate back to your house the day after their stay.

LittleMysSister · 25/10/2021 13:58

Surely they just pick up your child and leave??

I wouldn't want them in the house if I was having a home birth. 40 mins is not too far to collect and take for a sleepover at theirs.

Monsterpumpkins · 25/10/2021 14:04

My ils came as I was literally hobbling to the car to go to hospital!